My Angels from God

I decide

2012-03-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

There has been some unwanted and honestly UN-NEEDED negativity towards someone who was a guest blogger on my blog. I want to put this out there for EVERYONE to read.....

I decide who posts on MY blog. I go to them and ASK them if they would be interested in guest posting or answering some questions for me. I DO NOT allow guest posts that come to me and ask me to post something. I NEVER have and I NEVER will. If you don't like the topics that I discuss or the guest bloggers that I allow on MY blog then you should come to ME!

I have clearly left contact info for ME on my blog.

Sorry that this is harsh and rude but I stand up for what I believe and I believe that harassing a person because of a choice that he or she made is WRONG!!!!!!! I think it's wrong when people come at me for the decision I made to place Ally for adoption. I think it's wrong when people come at me for the decision that I made to adopt Cayden. I also think it's wrong when people come at me or my friends for their decision regarding THEIR CHILDREN!

I will have a guest blogger posting again tonight. Her post will be frank and honestly something that I've been wanting to post for a while.

Adoptive Couple Retreat

2012-02-25T20:01:00.000-08:00

There will be an Adoption Retreat in Orem,UT on MARCH 30-31st, 20012.

This Retreat IS geared mostly towards Adoptive Couples....HOWEVER.... we had several birthparents and a few adoptees last year and they loved it!

Here is our Tentative Schedule
Friday Night:
5:30 -- Arrival
6-6:15-- Keynote--Alex Rowley --Adoptee
6:15-Whenever -- Mix and Mingle

Saturday:
8:30-9:15--Breakfast
9:15-9:45--Keynote : Tiffany Baugh -- An Adoptee and Birthmom
9:45-10:30--Lindsey and Josh Redfern--Advice through the process, face 2 face, and preparation for placements
10:30-11:30--Adoptive Couple Panel--Ashley-International Adoption, Jenn-Foster Adoption, Josh-Domestic Adoption, Leisha-Older Child Adoption
11:30-12:15--Lunch and Musical Number by Alex Rowley
12:15-1:15--Birthmom Speaker(s) Gina Crotts
1:15-2--Closing and Raffle

IF you RSVP to FACEBOOK or EmailBirthmothers4adoption@gmail.com

by March 1st the price is only

40 dollars per couples (5 dollars extra for childcare)

25 dollars per person

Hope to see lots of you there!!!

bmb has a FREE admission to giveaway. Email them at birthmotherbaskets@gmail.com with your favorite positive quote, adoption related or not, be creative!

Also, follow bmb and birthmothers4adoption. The winner will be announced on
Wednesday Feb. 29th

I will be there and can't wait to meet so many adoptive couples!

Handling an Open Adoption

2012-02-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

I've been asked many times "'How do you make an open adoption work without stepping on toes?" Years ago I decided that I would allow the adoption to be run by Lori and Barton. As open as they wanted things would be as open as I was ok having them. So far that has worked for me. HOWEVER I know that my mentality doesn't work for everyone. I know that for some birth mothers they fear that the adoption will at some point close and they will have no control over that. They fear that it will break them and they will be heart broken. I believe those fears are very real fears. They are sometimes very hard to deal with.

How can adoptive parents and birth parents come to an agreement before placement that will make it so that both parties are comfortable with how open the adoption is. Really it's simple. It's a funnel system that has worked for me and has worked for many other adoptive couples. It's really simple in theory and works wonders.

Before placement (I recommend before the baby is even born) the birth mother needs to sit down and write down as CLOSED as she feels she could handle the adoption. Be very specific and don't leave out things you feel are "small" details.

For example I feel that as closed as I could handle would be 1 visit a year with pictures at least once every 6 months.

Before placement the adoptive couple needs to sit down and write down as OPEN as they feel they could handle the adoption. Again be very specific and don't leave things out that you feel "aren't a big deal" now because in the future they may become a big deal.

For example maybe the couple and birth mother live close to each other so something they put down is that the birth mother is welcome to visit but needs to let the couple know at least 2 hours before she comes over (no "surprise" visits). Things like that. If the couple and birth mother live far away something they put down may be that when the birth mother visits she can stay with them in their home for 4 days but that more than that amount of time wouldn't be appropriate. Does that make sense?

Then once both the birth mother and adoptive couple get their list written you need to meet with a case worker or counselor to hash things out. The key is to meet in the middle. Write down your agreement on paper (not that it's legally binding or anything but I think when things are written on paper they feel more "real"). A big part of this is honesty. In order for this to really work you as a birth mother have to be honest with the adoptive couple and not worry about hurting their feelings by you wanting more contact than what they feel comfortable with. And as an adoptive couple you also have to not worry about the birth mothers feelings. Being real with your own feelings is a huge part of this. If you aren't open and honest up front it won't work. You'll start doing visits and you'll be uncomfortable and then that is when things will fall apart.

Use the agreement for 6 months and then go back and readdress it. Make sure that you as a birth mother is open about how the contact has been affecting you. When I say be open that DOES NOT mean you need to tell the adoptive couple how hard adoption is or how hard of a time you are having. By simply saying "I've had a few hard days but I know my decision was right." that lets the couple know that you are grieving and you have pain but you aren't taking that pain out on them. Also make sure as an adoptive couple you are open about how the contact is affecting you and your family.

It may be after 6 months you are ready for more contact and feel that it has been good for you and your family. You need to be open about that. If it hasn't been good for you.... SAY IT!!!! Not being open about your feelings will only lead to problems down the road.

I believe (and this is from experience) that if you as a birth family and adoptive family talk every 6 months with a case worker or counselor about how the contact has been going and set new boundaries it will only make the relationship stronger.

After all this I know that EVERY situation is different and some things that have worked for me won't work for others but I truly believe that this funnel system allows for the best communication between birth family and adoptive family.

I'm willing to answer questions that you may have. ask away and share away.

I am NOT her mother.....

2012-02-07T23:33:00.000-08:00

A dear friend of mine (J) recently made a mormon.org profile. I love that girl and love that she opened up about her adoption experience (she's a birth mother to JJ) and made a profile. In her profile she stated that she was a first time mom. Someone read that and well they thought it would be a good idea to flat out attack my friend.

M stated HERE in her wonderful attack on J:
You say you are a first-time mom to your SECOND born child because you gave the first one away. http://mormon.org/xxxxxxxx. Now, I am not a swearing woman, but WHAT IN THE HELL are you smoking? Are you so intoxicated on the adoption Kool-aid that it runs icy cold through your veins instead of real blood? Is your heart so beyond feeling that you cannot for ONE MOMENT realize the damage your careless attitude and words will cause your TRUE first born child? What kind of mental-gymnastics did you have to go through to come up with this idea or was it something your counselor from LDSFS put into your pretty little head?

Well dear M.... SHE IS A FIRST TIME MOM! It is my belief and many other people's belief that simply because you give birth to a child does not make you their mother. Simply because JJ grew in J's womb does not make her JJ's mother. A mother can be a woman other than the biological parent, especially if she fulfills the main social role in raising the child. In fact if you go to wikipedia the first definition of mother is.... "a woman who has raised a child." So M since you have your panties in such a bind that they are clearly spewing out of your mouth why don't you take on society because society is who has put that definition out there. Society is the one you should be flat out attacking. They also believe that a mother is the woman who raises the child. Which in J's case would be the adoptive mother.

J is a first time mom just as I was a first time mom when I became Cayden's mother. Get off your sad sorry horse and realize that it's not that J is thoughtless or heartless it is that she has respect for JJ's mother. Having respect for her means that she wouldn't claim the label that RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO ANOTHER WOMAN. A woman that she trusted to raise and love the baby girl she brought into this world. The woman that she wanted to be JJ's mother.

Just as J isn't JJ's mother I am not Ally's mother. I didn't fully realize this until after a visit with Cayden and Ally. I realized then that I loved Ally differently than I loved Cayden. And you know there is NOTHING wrong with that because Ally has a mother that loves her, and cares for her. She has a mother that she runs to when her feelings are hurt, she has a mother that calms her fears and tucks in her at night. I remember the visit when I realized that my feelings were different about Cayden and Ally. For a little bit I thought I was wrong to feel differently about them. That was until I realized that I was right. Ally wasn't my daughter and Cayden was my son. I should feel differently toward Cayden because I am the one that he runs to for love, I am the one that clams his fears and tucks him in at night. My blog post about my feelings can be read HERE.

So again M.... You have no right to attack J in such a way nor do you have a right to say that she isn't a first time mom. She in fact as the definition set by society is a first time mom!

Wanting to quit...

2012-01-11T00:20:00.000-08:00

I'm going to vent here for a minute. Get good and angry. Cry even. Say things that I need to say. Get things off of my chest. I need to so I can be ok with things. Read if you want to. I don't really care.

There are times where I want to quit thinking about things. Where I want my mind to stop working so dang hard to remember every little detail of every little thing that I can't control. A few weeks ago I finally reached my breaking point. I know in past posts I have told about Cayden's adoption and that it is a semi-closed adoption. I just want to write about what that semi-closed adoption looked like just recently and what it looks like now.

In the past I talked about Cayden's birth mother with him. There would be times where he would mean to say his birth mothers name but would instead say his god mother's name (the person -besides family- that helped Daniel out the most when he was single parenting) and I would correct him. There would be questions he would ask and be talking about his birth mother but be giving details and things about his god mother and I would correct him. I would remind him on occasion who people were (like "Cayden Jordan is your birth mother and Tiffy is your god mother. That means Tiffy helped take care of you and you grew in Jordan's belly"). I would allow him to text his birth mother and ask questions and even allow him to call her on the phone on occasion. I would notice slight changes in behavior directly following phone conversations but I chalked it up to "adjustment". In the past I updated a blog for Cayden's birth mother, made special gifts for his birth mother on significant holidays (usually the gifts were hand made and included Cayden's hand print or footprints). I use to be very generous with the communication between me and Cayden's birth mother.

I'm sure you've noticed the past tense in all of this.... That is because those things will no longer happen. That sounds so harsh and so blunt. But after the worst nightmare in history of nightmares.... I'M DONE!!!!

You can say I'm a horrible adoptive parent for going back on my word and not allowing Cayden's birth mother to be part of his life. You can tell me all you want that I'm keeping a big part of who he is from him. You can tell me I'm just damaging him and his birth mother. You can tell me the future is only going to be harder because of what I'm keeping from him in the present. Tell me I'm making his birth mothers grief all that much... Go ahead.... tell me...say it 'til you're blue in the face I really don't care any more. I'm done being the nice one! I'm done beating around the bush and not saying things I want to because I'm trying to be nice and "protect" Cayden's birth family... You hear me I'M DONE!!!!!

From now on I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night to my child screaming "MOMMY! MOMMY SAVE ME FROM JORDAN!" I don't want to wake up 3 times a night to my child crying like he's being beaten. I don't want to hold my screaming child and have to tell him "It's ok Cayden. You can't ever be hurt like that again." I shouldn't have to do that. NO mother should have to do that.

I don't want to lie to my child and tell him some of his favorite Christmas presents are from Tiffy when really they are from Jordan. If I told him they were from Jordan he'd never touch them (just like his favorite movie he got from her last Christmas that he attempted to throw away and has yet to watch because he knew it was from her). I don't want to expect things from his birth grandmother and then have to back track and figure something else out. I'm DONE beating around the bush with my child. From now on I won't have to lie to him. I won't have to change the subject. I won't have to "rescue" him from his nightmares.

So now this is what the semi-closed adoption will look like....
I will update a blog every 6 months with 1 picture of Cayden that will be posted for 2 days. If Cayden asks questions I'll answer them but I'm not bringing things up. I'm done correcting him. When he mistakes Tiffy for Jordan I'm going to let him believe that. IF there is ever another gift from his birth mother I'm going to tell him exactly who it's from and when he ends up hiding it or throwing it away I'll take him and buy him a new one. His adoption book has been removed from his book shelf and replaced with a picture book of when we were sealed as a family FOREVER! I don't care if anyone knows he's adopted any more. And I'm not sending or asking for another thing from his birth family. I don't care what the occasion is.

Yep you read the folks... I am mean and harsh and rude and horrible for cutting her out but really.... I can't do it any more. I LOVE open adoption. I think it's healthy and wonderful and healing and so great for the birth family and adoptive family. I HATE that I have to say Cayden's adoption is semi-closed. I don't like it. I wish it were different. But I can't change the past. I can't change that Cayden is terrified of his birth mother and the horrible things that she did to him. I can't change it.... I wish with every fiber of my being that I could. I wish there was a way to erase his memory and replace every bad thing with a good thing. But my wishes on this aren't going to come true. I'm going to have to buck up, face reality and realize that open adoption is NOT healthy for my son.

When Cayden is 18 I will tell him the full extend of things that happened to him in the past. He can choose to involve his birth family or not. Either way... I'm done.

I'm bawling right now because this hurts my soul to do this. I hate being the bad guy! I hate hurting people! I wish more than anything it could be different.... Oh how I wish.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-14T21:57:00.000-08:00

Adult Adoptee

2011-11-27T21:01:00.000-08:00

I reached out to a couple of my birth mother friends for an adult adoptee and was given Camille's contact info... not only is she awesome because she's adopted but because she has the same name as my mother. haha! So here is her story.

Hi, my name is Camille, and I was adopted at birth. To give you an idea of how forthcoming my parents were about me being adopted, I don’t have any memories of a time when I did not know that I was adopted. In my prayers each night, with my parents helping me, I would thank my Heavenly Father for my birthmother and birthfather and pray that they would be happy and know that our family loved them. When I would go to sleep, I would get two hugs and kisses from both of my parents, one from them, and one from my birthparents. Growing up I had very blonde hair, but the rest of my family had dark hair, and when people asked me where my blonde hair came from, I told them “from my birthmother.” It was always just known, talked about, and never a secret from anyone. I always liked that I was adopted too; it made me different, and special in a way. Most people only have one mommy and daddy who love them, but I have two mommies and daddies, and twice the love!

For the most part, I never felt misplaced or strange for being adopted, and my (awesome) mom always had the best explanations for my questions. I remember when I was around three, and my mom was pregnant with my little sister, it dawned on me that I hadn’t grown in my mommy’s tummy, but in someone else’s and that was who my birthmother was. I wrote to my birthmother around my birthday every year, including pictures of myself, drawings I had done, and such, and I loved getting letters back from my birthmom. We were pen pals, and I loved getting mail with my own name on it. When I was about to turn eight, I asked my mom if I could find out what my birthparents looked like, and if I could tell them my first name, and ask for their first name too. She thought it was a great idea, and I remember her helping me with my letter. That birthday letter was amazing, I found out their first names, received several pictures of my birthmom, one of my birthdad, and one of a half sister I didn’t know about! I had never seen anyone who looked like me, and it was so exciting to be able to see who I looked like.

After that year, the letters just unexpectedly stopped. I wrote several times after, but never got any replies back. As I got into my teenage years, I felt hurt and angry at my birthmother for just disappearing without any explanation. Many times, I caught myself wishing that I had never heard anything from her at all, because then it wouldn’t hurt so much to suddenly have that contact taken away. I’m pretty sure that all teens go through some sort of identity crisis, wondering “who they really were.” That uncertainty was greatly amplified because of my adoption, and I would get angry about having all these questions, and not being able to talk to anyone who had the answers. I also would occasionally feel guilty knowing that my birthparents were probably scared and hurt by getting pregnant with me, and I felt like it was in a way my fault for causing this pain.

After several years of no contact, my friends would ask me if I ever wanted to meet my birth family. I knew I would be able to open my files when I turned 21, and that the possibility of meeting them was there, but I wasn’t so sure I wanted to open that door. I was happy with my family, and I was scared of getting hurt again. I know now, that I wasn’t the only one with uncertainty, pangs of guilt, and the perception that it was more to deal with than we were able to handle. After talking it through with my birthmother, I harbor no resentment toward her and only mention it so that other birthmothers won’t repeat the same course of action.

I met my husband during the Fall of 2008 at the university I was attending, and we were married the next June. I was 20 years old and the age that I could open my files was getting closer. My mother-in-law, who was also adopted, would ask me about opening them quite often. I was happy with the family I had, and didn’t feel like I needed to meet my birth family. My mother-in-law had found her birth family about when my husband was born, and loved knowing them. She encouraged me to soften my heart and consider at least opening up some sort of communication with them. I still wasn’t sure about what I would do, but I had until the next March to decide.

One November morning, I got a call from my mom in between classes. My adoption agency had called and told her that my birthmother had started her side of the paper work, and was wondering if I would be interested in starting my own paper work to open my file. I was shocked. After all this time of not hearing from her, she was back and wanted contact again. Over the next few days I went through a wide range of emotions, excited, fear, anger, but more than anything, nervous. I spoke with a counselor at the agency a few times about my options and the possible outcomes. In the end, I decided to go through with it, and at least write to her again. I sent her a letter with my e-mail address, a few wedding pictures of my husband and me, and then I waited.

The day before New Years Eve, I got a letter. Since I had heard from her last, she had gotten married, had another son, and was running a day care center. I ran inside our apartment to check my e-mail. She had gotten my letter the same day, and had already e-mailed me. We spent the next three days e-mailing back and forth almost constantly, just asking and answering each others’ questions.

Eventually we exchanged phone numbers as well, and started texting. I decided that I wanted to meet her face-to-face, and see how that would go. We set a date to meet at the adoption agency. The whole week I was anxious, and driving up, I was a nervous wreck. When we walked into the room, my birthmom and two half siblings were there already. It was so strange seeing them all in real life. She cried seeing me, but strangely, I didn’t. I felt calm, relaxed, and happy to finally be meeting the woman who had so selflessly placed me within my wonderful family, and had given me the opportunity to have such a great life. We talked for a while, looked at pictures, and watched a video they had taken of me while in the hospital. It was going really well, so we decided to go out to dinner together. She called her husband, who met us at the restaurant. The rest of the evening went exceptionally well; joking around, lots of laughing, and I felt an instant connection with their entire family.

My birthmom had some information about my birthdad, and got his e-mail address for me. I sent him an e-mail, and he wanted to communicate with me as well! I had previously had contact with my birthmom when I was younger, but nothing at all with my birthdad, and it had never occurred to me that my birthdad would want to talk to me as well! We e-mailed back and forth as well, and decided to meet up for dinner a few weeks later.

This meeting was a little more awkward. I knew less about him, and he knew far less about me. Plus, he’s a guy, so it was just different communicating with him. He brought his wife and stepdaughter, who I just fell in love with, and throughout the meal, we all warmed up to each other, and had a good time.

Throughout the next few months, I would meet up with either my birthmom or birthdad for different events. Slowly, we have gotten to know each other, and I have loved having them become a part of my life. My parents have been so supportive of this journey of finding my birth family. My mom put it best—in the end, we’re all part of the same heavenly family, and there is plenty of room to love everyone. I feel the same way, the more the merrier and I love having so many family members to love.

Last winter, when my husband and I found out we were pregnant; we had fun telling all four sets of future grandparent the joyous news of the event that would take place in the fall. For my daughter, I feel she has been blessed with twice as many grandparents to love her, and a bunch of extra aunts and uncles to dote on her as well. Of course, we will have to eventually explain to her who is who and how they all fit together, but my birth family will always be there for her, and with that knowledge, I hope she better understands that they too are a special part of her family. I don’t think she will have too tough of a time…double the birthday and Christmas presents from all the grandmas and grandpas! What kid wouldn’t love that! We blessed our baby girl in our church a few weeks ago, and both my birthmom’s and birthdad’s families attended. It was so special to see the family where I came from, the family where I grew up, and my husband’s family all united together to love and support my daughter.

I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to get to know these amazing people, and that they have chosen to build relationships with myself and the rest of my family. I love each of them so much, and can’t imagine my life being any different.

When I was little, my mom told me she thought when we were all in heaven, my birthparents, my parents, and myself were all best friends and that we chose to go through with the adoption on earth so that we could all be more closely connected when we were all here. Adoption has been such a blessing in my life, and I am grateful for it. I feel so blessed to have so many people that love me, and that I love them. I am especially grateful that I have been given the opportunity to be raised by my parents, because they are seriously wonderful people who gave me the best home I could have ever asked for. It is so gratifying for me to think of how inspired my birthparents were to choose my mother and father to raise me. Also It is such a blessing to have them back in my life and how much we have grown to love each other. To me, family is everything, and when it comes to when it comes to having wonderful parents, all I can say is, “My cup truly runneth over.”

Why I blog

2011-11-21T20:18:00.000-08:00

I started this blog because I wanted to help others who are going through or have gone through similar things to me. I've just always felt I needed to share my story. I didn't know why until I was reading through my patriarchal blessing the other night.

you will be a strength at all times and in all places of the truths and the blessing that come from the gospel; you may be an example of righteous living and the love of Christ in your relationships with the youth of the church; that they may become aware through your teaching and your example of the joy that comes from living the commandments and the blessings from being obedient.

It hit me last night that I need to share for the youth of the church. Whether it be a young woman who is currently pregnant or someone that is struggle with living their life right. I need to share. I need to be open about adoption and all of the hard choices that come along with it. I need to be open about all of the blessings that come from it as well.

That is why I shared my story to begin with. I now blog because I need to. I need to get all my feelings out. I don't know what I would do if I didn't. I'm pretty sure I'd go crazy with built up rage and feelings. ha! But I've found something interesting.... The longer I've blogged the more people I've helped. Sharing my story isn't just therapy for me. I feel it's my divine purpose in this life. I believe I HAVE to share in order to live up to the life that God has in store for me. You may think this is "strange" but I pray about every thing I post on this blog. I know that God has a purpose for me and I need to fulfill that purpose. I have days where I sit and wonder why my life has gone the direction it has. And then I read my blessing again and know that others will learn from me. Others will be blessed because of me. THAT is why I blog... FOR OTHERS!

Adoption Blogger Interview-Meet Lois

2011-11-18T10:55:00.000-08:00

I was so happy to participate in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project. It is such a great opportunity to meet wonderful people who have been touched by adoption. I was paired up with Lois. She and her husband are hoping to adopt. In all of my blog hopping I've never read her blog. I enjoyed leaning more about her and what her and her husband have gone through. Feel free to go check out her blog HERE.

Here is the Q & A with her....

Q: Are your boys adopted or biological?
A: We have two sons who are both biological. Our oldest is 8 years old and our youngest is 5 and just started Kindergarten this year.

Q: How have you prepared your boys for "waiting for a baby"?
A: We actually talked to them before we even submitted our application to the agency and asked them how they felt about the possibility of adding a new baby to our family because it will have such a big impact on their lives as well. They both agreed they would like that. Since then we have talked about it a lot and what it would mean to have another child in our family. We talked about how we were adopting this time and the baby would grow in someone else’s tummy and then come to live with us. They are very excited about the possibility and often talk about a possible name, buying a cute outfit, or keeping a special book they love for “the baby.” But it’s a balancing act because we don’t know how long the wait will be, and like all kids they want a baby NOW! So we talk about “if” a lot in case we do not end up adopting for some reason. We’ve been waiting for 2 years so it’s hard for them as well as us.

Q; Do you want to have an open, semi-open, semi-closed, or closed adoption?
A: We are open to any type based on what the expectant parents desire, but ideally we would like an open adoption. We’ve seen so many examples of how it is much better for everyone involved, especially the child to know their birth families and have a relationship of some sort with them. We hope to be able to develop and build this relationship based on mutual agreement. I’ve gotten to know several wonderful birth moms who are in open adoptions and seen how much having an open adoption means to them.
Another reason, we’d ideally like an open adoption is that my mother-in-law placed her first three children for adoption and it was closed. They were reunited a few years ago and it was so hard for them to build a relationship. There was resentment on their part and guilt on hers and it’s taken them a long time to get to a good place, which is still somewhat stressed. Moreover, she missed out on seeing her granddaughters grow up and being a part of their lives.
I hope that by having an open adoption, it will help ease some of these things, and give our child a firm foundation. Plus, the more people to love a child the better.

Q: Do you have any fears about adopting?
A: I think our biggest fear about adopting is just that it will not happen for us and we will not end up adding a child to our family. As prospective adoptive parents, you really have to give up control totally to God and trust that He will bring your little one to you in His time. As a type A person who is a doer/go-getter, this is something that is very difficult to me. I have to accept that although we can do tons of networking, we still just have to wait for an expectant mother to select us, and not just any expectant mother but the one that God has planned. My new favorite verse that is helping me get through this period of waiting is: “Now FAITH is being sure of what we HOPE for and certain of what we do not see.” ~Hebrews 11:1

Q: If you're choosing to have an open adoption what do you feel is going to be the biggest "struggle" for you regarding the birth mother?
A: I think the biggest struggle will be to keep the lines of communication open and honest even when it’s easier to not. Each side of the triad comes into the relationship with fear. Prospective adoptive parents fear the expectant parents won’t like them, that they won’t pick them, that they’ll change their mind, they’ll take the child away after placement if their state allows them to revoke the TPR, the birth mom will regret her decision or just pull away for some unknown reason without explanation. Expectant parents worry that this family isn’t the right one, they aren’t making the right decision for their child, that maybe they should parent, and then after placement that they will say or do something that will close the adoption. Communication is such a key to helping elevate these fears and building a relationship that will grow and last.

Q: Can you describe why you and your husband have chosen adoption?
A: I had some complications with each pregnancy and wasn’t getting any younger. My husband, Ray and I decided that although we really wanted another child. We just didn’t feel like our family was complete yet, but we didn’t want to risk another pregnancy for me or a child. I had been thinking about adoption for a month or so but figured Ray would not go along with it so I had just sort of put it out of my mind. A week or so later he came to me and asked me if I had considered adoption. Um, yes! We started the process to adopt in September 2009.

You can go and read more interviews HERE

WB

2011-11-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: Tell a little about when you first found out you were pregnant.

A: I found out I was pregnant in March of 2010. I was 22 years old, living with my now ex-boyfriend, who is a psychologically abusive alcoholic. We'll call him DB. DB had just lost his job, which caused him to go on a drinking binges for weeks at a time. I was working 20 hours a week at a local daycare making minimum wage. Because DB had just lost his job, he didn't have money for booze, so he would manipulate and abuse me until I gave it to him.

Q: What was your boyfriend's reaction to your pregnancy?

A: At first, DB was shocked. He was convinced he was sterile. Then he was angry, called me a slut and a whore and accused me of having sex with other men. After the initial shock and anger, he still really couldn't believe I was pregnant.

Q: Did you ever consider adoption?

A: Of course. That was my first instinct. I knew that neither DB nor I were in a position to take care of and raise a child. However, when I mentioned adoption to DB, he threatened to kill me if I gave away his child. I didn't think he was serious the first time, but every time I mentioned it, his answer was, "I will find you and kill you if you even think of giving away my child." Of course, I was so emotionally and mentally repressed that I believed him.

Q: Why was having an abortion the decision you felt was right?

A: You have to understand that I was in a very abusive relationship, and I was mentally and emotionally messed up. In fact, "messed up" is an understatement for the emotional state I was in. It's not something you understand until you've been in that kind of relationship. You feel trapped and helpless. After DB threatened to kill me if I gave the baby up for adoption, I had no idea what to do. I knew I couldn't take care of the baby if I kept it and I knew my life was in danger if I gave it away. I started thinking about abortion, but was hesitant to actually do it. About 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I started having dreams about DB killing the baby. In some dreams, DB would be so drunk, he wouldn't hear the baby crying and the baby would die of neglect. In other dreams, DB would get so frustrated with the baby's crying, he would shake the baby or throw the baby against a wall. These dreams were so realistic, I would wake up screaming. After having these dreams for a week, I couldn't take it anymore, and that is when I made the decision to have an abortion.

Q: After your abortion did you ever have feelings that you'd made the wrong decision?

A: This might make some of your readers angry, but in my situation, no. I never felt that I had made the wrong decision. I was so emotionally and mentally unstable, and the circumstances I was in were so horrible and traumatic that I couldn't bring myself to bring a life into the world, knowing exactly what I was bringing my baby into. I know that if I had been in a different situation, I would have kept the baby or given him up for adoption. I say "him" because I'm convinced the baby was a boy.

Q: Have you told people about your abortion? If so, what were their reactions?

A: I've told a few close friends and a family member. I was surprised at the support I received. Most of my friends knew about the relationship I was in and they said they would have done the same thing if they had been in my position.

Q: What advice would you give to women who find themselves pregnant and are considering their options?

A: Do what is right for you, but don't think abortion is the only way out. You'll be surprised at how many people will be there for support. And don't let ANYONE judge you for the choice you make. Those people have no idea what it is like to be in your shoes.

Q:What advice would you give to someone who has recently had an abortion?

A: If you feel the need to talk to someone, DO IT. There are a lot of support groups out there for women who have had abortions. Don't let the guilt and grief overwhelm you to the point where you can't function. Again, never let ANYONE judge you for the choices you make. They have no idea what your circumstances are and what it feels like to be in the position you are.

Craig and Erin

2011-11-15T00:31:00.000-08:00

I met Craig and Erin years ago. I was friends of a friend of Craig's my sophomore year. You know I may have actually dated one of his friends....anyway... we had common friends but weren't really friends. When Daniel and I moved into our current apartment Craig and Erin were in our ward. I talked with Craig a few times and found out they were hoping to adopt. We've kept in contact since and they were willing to do a guest post for me. They are WONDERFUL people. In fact Erin's mom was my brother's favorite math teacher in high school. Just a little fun fact for you.

Here is the Q&A with Craig and Erin

Q: Tell a little about yourselves (your names, age, where you live, when adoption first touched your
lives, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing with my readers).
A: We are Craig and Erin! We met in High School and dated our senior year. Erin is 26 (just barely) and
Craig is 25. We are both from Layton, Utah and just moved to Nebraska this past summer (July 2011), so
Craig could start Law School at University of Nebraska-Lincoln.
Adoption first touched our lives with the placement of our nephew. At that time we didn't know we would
have the opportunity to adopt our own children. We are grateful we have witnessed the blessings of
adoption in our family.

Q: Tell a little bit about your journey towards adoption.
A: Our journey towards adoption is probably just like many others. We always wanted children and started
trying to have children 1 ½ or 2 years after being married. After 12 months of no success, we finally made
the dreaded doctor appointments. We were very fortunate to learn the cause of infertility before starting
any treatments, but were sad to learn that in-vitro fertilization (IVF) would be the only option of having
biological children. Because IVF is so expensive, we decided right away to start the adoption process.
After a few months, our profile was up and we were excited that parenthood was getting closer.
About 6 months after our profile was up, we were able to do one round of IVF which resulted in a
pregnancy. We opted to keep our adoption profile up until after the first trimester. Unfortunately though,
the pregnancy was lost after about 10 weeks. We were devastated about the loss, but at the same time
were grateful we had felt it was right to continue with adoption.

Q: What do you feel has been the biggest obstacle for you while hoping to adopt?
A: Our biggest obstacle probably has been our lack of patience with the process. We are both excited to be
parents and have had a hard time waiting for that day to come. It has been a difficult trial as we have so
many friends and relatives who are all starting families of their own. We are obviously excited for them
and their new journeys, but it also tests our own patience as we wait to begin our family.

Q: How did your families react when you decided to adopt?
A: Both of our families were extremely supportive and willing to help us out in anyway. With Craig’s family,
his oldest brother has adopted their two children and so they have been through the experience and have
seen the wonderful blessings that adoption brings. Erin’s family is excited for us to have children and
have loved and supported us through the entire process.

Q: What is the most nerve wracking thing about waiting to hear from a birth mother?
A: The most nerve-racking thing about waiting to hear from a birth mother is not knowing when that moment
will actually happen. Once our profile is transferred from Layton, UT to Lincoln, NE we will be anxiously
awaiting to hear from a birth mother. We think not knowing if it will be two months or two years is the most
difficult aspect of the adoption process for an adoptive couple.

Q: Have you ever had a face-to-face meeting with a birth mother?
If yes what were your feelings in preparing for it and after meeting the birth mother?
A: We have not had a face-to-face meeting with a birth mother.

Q: What advice to do you have for couples you are preparing to adopt?
A: From our standpoint, we think the most important part of the preparation process is to not forget about
each other. Through all of the emotions and challenges that come through infertility it can be easy to lose
sight of life and the joys that come from it. We have found that going on dates and vacations and finding
time to be with each other have been some of the most rewarding times of our lives.

Q: What advice do you have for couples that are starting the process of adoption (filling out the
paper work type stuff)?
A: To get it done. We found that it can be an overwhelming process to fill out all the paper work, visit
the doctor, find the right photographs and try to write a profile that truly expresses our feelings about
each other, birth mothers, and adoption in general. These struggles made it easy to put off completing
everything we needed to. But the more we worked at it, the more things fell into place and the quicker it
got done.

Q: What would you say to women who are pregnant and considering their options?
A: With neither of us ever being in a similar situation, it is difficult to know what to say other than that we
know it is a challenging time but that it can be also a time for tremendous personal growth. We know that
our Savior has a specific plan for each of us and that as we rely and place our trust in him, he will give us
the guidance we need.

Craig and Erin are hoping to adopt. Since their recent move their profile hasn't been transferred (I'll add it to this post when it is transferred) but here is there adoption blog. craiganderinadopt.blogspot.com

Agency

2011-11-14T23:45:00.000-08:00

Today's blog post is going to more spiritual. I have my reasons for this. Mostly because I think I need to be reminded of it. Over the last few weeks some of my family members have been deeply affected by someone else's agency. One of my cousins brother-in-law took his own life just before Halloween. A week later a young man in the same ward also took his own life. I found out yesterday another one of my cousins had a friend take their own life this last week. As I was thinking about how tragic all of their choices were I was further reminded of my own choices... My own agency.

I will NEVER forget the look my mother gave me as I walked in the door after I told my mom I was pregnant. My choices had a HUGE impact on her life. I didn't realize it at the time. In fact I didn't realize the full impact it had until this event years after placement actually happened.

Do any of us realize the full force our choices can and have made on our loved ones? Do we stop to consider how hurtful they could be.

In May 1975 ELDER DELBERT L. STAPLEY said....
"As sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, we have this gift of free agency to use in our mortal lives. We must be tried, tested, and proved to see if we will choose the right and do all things whatsoever the Lord our God shall command us. As spirit children of God, we have built-in powers of conscience sufficient to develop our free agency in right choices and to acquire qualities of goodness, humility, and integrity of purpose."

While agency can be a great and wonderful thing. It can be hurtful and hard. It can make good people do stupid and hurtful things. It can make the best people look vile. When agency isn't used for good it can ruin lives.

The Liahona Magazine put out an article called The Fulness of the Gospel: Agency in it it stated

"When we use our agency to choose righteousness, God not only blesses us, but our agency is strengthened and enhanced. When our Heavenly Father sees that He can trust us to make correct decisions, He does as any loving parent would do: He blesses us with new opportunities and more responsibility. Thus, if we use our agency wisely, the possibilities for doing good and blessing others become infinite. Obedience always leads to greater agency and increasing possibilities. It is sin that shrinks our options."

While the choices that led up to Ally were poor and wrong I feel like for my situation I made the best possible decision. I used my agency to do what I felt was best for Ally. While I know Branden didn't and still doesn't agree with my decision I feel he knew in his heart it was what HAD to happen.

Agency is a wonderfully cursed thing. I have had days were I wish we didn't have it. Nights when Cayden wakes up screaming for me to save him I wish more than anything someone else's agency hadn't caused him the pain in the past. But we have it... It's a great thing... We must as human beings use our agency for the betterment of man.

Adoption Walk with Me

2011-11-12T20:56:00.000-08:00

This year we added the 6th Annual Adoption "walk with me" 5K. It was GREAT. Cold... but GREAT!

The best part... everything was Orange. Cayden's favorite color is Orange and he was THRILLED that mommy was wearing orange and that everyone else would be wearing orange.

Cayden walked in celebration if his birth mom Jordan. He loved it!

He also loved the fire trucks that were there... TOTAL hit with him!

I was able to meet a few friends IRL for the first time such as Stefanie and Sonya. It's great to make connections because of adoption. And I was able to hang out with Alli and Sterling and Emily. I LOVE them all dearly! I am SO grateful for adoption and the blessings that it has brought into my life. I love celebrating adoption, sharing adoption, and living adoption. I hope that if you have been touched by adoption you will do something to celebrate adoption this month.

Adoption Stats

2011-11-11T21:38:00.000-08:00

Just thought I'd post some interesting adoption stats....
Hope you are educated. I know I was.

There are an estimated 3.3 adoption seekers for every actual adoption.

Less than .1% of adoptions are contested each year.

‎86% of birth mothers and 81% of adoptees support access by adult adoptees to identifying information about their birth parents.

A comprehensive study in 1998 found that 95% of the adoptees who were surveyed expressed a desire to be found by their birth parents.

A comprehensive study in 1998 found that every birth parent who was surveyed wanted to be found by the child they had placed for adoption

‎72% of adopted adolescents want to know why they were adopted, 65% want to meet their birth parents, and 94% want to know which birth parent they looked like.

As many as 100 million Americans have adoption in their immediate family (adopting, placing, adopted)

Approximately 140,000 children are adopted by American families each year.

Approximately 7 million Americans are adopted persons

Approximately 130,000 foster care children were waiting to be adopted in 2007.

From 1999 to 2010 there were 224,615 international adoptions, 141,324 were females and 83,291 were males.

From 1952 to 1972, 8.7% of all premarital births were placed for adoption.
From 1973 to 1981, this percentage fell to 4.1%.
From 1982 to 1988, it fell further to 2%.

Adoption Walk with Me

2011-11-10T22:08:00.000-08:00

The Adoption walk is this Saturday! Can't wait to see you there!!!

Brittany and Tylee

2011-11-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

Just a little background.... I went to Viewmont High with Brittany and her sister Brooke. Brooke was my age and Brittany a year older. I didn't know either very well during high school but was able to reconnect with Brittany on Facebook. When I saw her profile picture I had to ask if her daughter was adopted (she's biracial and both Brittany and her husband are Caucasian). She was great about it and opened up and shared her story with me. I asked if to share her story with all of you. Thank you again Brittany for being willing to share!

Q:Tell a little about yourself (Name, Age, where you live, how adoption has affected your life, anything else you want the readers to know).
A: My name is Brittany, I currently live in Weber County UT. First of all my adoption story is different from the standard adoption. I had the opportunity to adopt my sisters baby. Adopting my daughter h as been the greatest blessing in my life. She brings happiness into our lives on a daily basis.

Q: When did your sister/birth mother start making an adoption plan?
A: My sister, the birth mother, did not realize that she wanted to place her for adoption until he has parented her for five months. Being a single mother was really hard for her, and she decided that Tylee would be better off with a mother and a father and thankfully the first family she thought of was me and my husband. We had been trying to conceive for 3 years. I was and still am so grateful that she was able to be so selfless and give me the greatest gift in the whole world.

Q: How old was your daughter when she was placed with you?
A: Tylee, my daughter, was 6 months old by the time she was able to move into our home.

Q: Was the birth father involved in the adoption plan?
A: The birth father was not very involved in Tylee's life, but enough that we still had to get his permission for the adoption. He was very cooperative.

Q: Do you have an open or closed adoption?
A: I would consider our adoption an open one. My sister can see Tylee whenever she wants. The birth father as well. At this time they both are choosing not to participate very much in Tylee's life.

Q: What is the most unique thing about your adoption?
A: I think the most unique thing about our adoption is the fact that my daughter has some of my blood. ha ha. She was able to keep the same set of original grandparents. I think that helped a lot with the transition into our home.

Q: When you found out your sister/birth mother was pregnant what was your reaction?
A: Looking back on this now, I do feel very guilty. My first reaction when I found out my sister was pregnant was jealousy. My husband and I had a home and jobs and we would be able to provide two loving parents.... my sister didn't even know who the guys was the got her pregnant at first. So i was angry and mad at God and everyone else because i wasn't able to get pregnant and my sister was. I was bitter until precious Tylee arrived into this world. I remember when I would hold her, even before she was legally mine, the whole world would stop turning. She was so amazing and perfect to me. I would joke with my parents all the time after she was born that one day my sister was going to give her to me. Little did I know it would actually come true!

Q: How has that adoption changed your family dynamic (if at all)?
A: Adoption has just made our lives more perfect! It was a big change at first. I mean most people get to start out with a baby that just lays in your arms, we got handed one that could already crawl and get into everything. But after some quick baby proofing and a big change of focus, we got it all sorted out. Since she was our first, she did change a lot of things, but for the better.

Q: Do you plan to adopt more children or have them biologically?
A: At this point in my life I would be happy to have a biological child, but if that doesn't happen in the next year I will adopt again.

Q: What advice do you have for couples who are hoping to adopt?
A: I would tell any couple wanting to adopt that it doesn't matter where the baby comes from. Once they are in your home you completely forget that you didn't conceive them. I am so happy that I chose to adopt. It is seriously the greatest gift in the world.

Questions for jordan

2011-11-08T23:24:00.000-08:00

I've received many emails from readers asking about Cayden's birth mother. Some of the questions I've known the answers to others I didn't. I only thought it fair I ask her to answer the questions. Before I get into the Q&A I want to give a little background. Jordan and my husband Daniel got pregnant in the summer of 2006. Daniel had just graduated from high school and Jordan had just finished her sophomore year. Daniel had just turned 18 and Jordan would turn 17 in November. Daniel and Jordan parented together for 8 months. And then Daniel had Cayden full time. When Cayden turned 1 Jordan had visits on Saturday and Sunday until he turned 2. Cayden's adoption was open until January of 2011 when Daniel and I felt it was best to close his adoption. I still have contact with Jordan and Cayden talks with her on the phone, sends texts, and sometimes emails if he chooses to. He will be able to see her in person when he is old enough to understand the past.

These some of the questions emailed to me...

Q: When you were pregnant with Cayden did you ever consider adoption?
A: Yes I did. I was only 16. I think I would have been crazy to not be scared out of my mind to have a baby.

Q: Why did you choose to parent?
A: Parenting was what I felt was right. I knew when I saw his face I knew I needed to be his mom.

Cayden and Jordan April 2007

Q: How old was Cayden when you allowed Katelyn to adopt him?
A: I signed the papers in February of 2010, just before my daughter was born. He turned 3 that April.

Q: Who was there when you signed the papers?
A: Just me and the notary.

Q: Would it have been easier to sign if you had family there with you?
A: Ya it would have but at the time my family wasn't exactly supportive of my decision.

Q: Is your family supportive of your decision now?
A: They are now but like I said they weren't at first.

Q: What do you think made them become supportive?
A: I think mainly time. But I also think them seeing me comes to terms with it played a part.

Q: Do you wish things were different in your adoption?
A: Not now but in the past. We weren't exactly nice when the process first started. I wish that was different. I also know that things happen for a reason.

Q: What is the number one thing you want Cayden to know about his adoption.
A: The main thing is that I love him and I did what I knew was right and best for him.

Q: What is the number one thing you want for Cayden?
A: To be happy and loved.

Q: Do you still consider yourself his mom?
A: No, I'm his birth mom now. I was his mom for as long as God needed me to be.

Jordan, Cayden, Me (July of 2010)

Q: What has been the hardest part about your adoption?
A: Letting go and moving on. I couldn't do that until I was ok with the adoption.

Q: How has adoption changed you as a mother?
A: I don't take anything with my daughter for granted. I also realized things I did wrong with Cayden and I'll never do those same things with my daughter.

Cayden and Jordan's daughter

Q: How will you explain Cayden's adoption to your children?
A: Honestly I have NO idea. I'd love some advice in that area.

So... if your question wasn't answer it's because Jordan or I didn't feel the need to answer it. Also if you have any other questions or comments for Jordan you're more than willing to leave a comment... I have said it a few times Jordan is and always will be a very special person to me. It doesn't matter what mistakes have been made in the past. I have had moments where I struggle with the past but then I remember that she is struggling with the present. My love for Jordan goes deep and always will. NOTHING will change that.

Guest Post

2011-11-07T10:31:00.000-08:00

I was asked by my dear friend over at Birth mothers 4 Adoption to guest post about How being a birth mother has affected my marriage. Honestly I believe I got lucky with Daniel. Sure we have had moments where he didn't understand things but he always tried his hardest to understand. I think because he understood what pregnancy out of marriage can do to you I think he had a better understanding of some of my feelings. I love my hubby! He's just the best. When I was pregnant with Jaxson I was very emotional. He handled things like a pro! Thank you Daniel for being you. And most of all... Thank you for loving me... baggage and all!

Most hurtful

2011-11-06T18:30:00.000-08:00

I think the most hurtful thing that has ever been said to me about adoption was actually said to me by my 7 year old nephew. "You're not Cayden's real mom."
I guess the first time I heard it I was a little taken off guard but didn't take offense to him saying it. Tonight when I heard it for the 5th time, completely out of the blue, I had to walk out of the room and broke down bawling... My sister-in-law said I needed to explain or to him. I did, the first time he said it to me. You see the situation in their family is a little different. Their oldest is from my sister-in-laws first marriage. However my brother and sister-in-law have been married since their oldest was 3. So she told me to tell him that his oldest sister's dad isn't his real dad but she still calls him dad... Sorry but that's completely different. And to be completely honest I don't think I should have to anymore. The first time he said it to me noone else was around so yes, I did explain it to me (as well as the second, third, and forth time). I think when the parent it their it should be their place to correct their child. Am I wrong?
I then asked my mom how to address it and was told "Oh get over it." that sent me over the edge! Why is it that my family doesn't seem to care? They don't seem to correct the problem. Yes he's 7 but what he is saying is wrong. It should be corrected by someone other than me because clearly me correcting him isn't working. I freaked out and said something I shouldn't have. I was just asking for support, help, answers. Instead I got nothing. I'm frustrated and hurt. I know I need to say something but honestly right now I can't talk/write about it without crying. My biggest fear is that people will say that to Cayden. He's so sensitive that I fear it'll really hurt his feelings. This is one area of adoption that really isn't all that wonderful.

I sleep at night...

2011-11-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

I have received multiple emails asking me how I sleep at night depriving Cayden of the open relationship I have with Ally. I've never justified my decision to close Cayden's adoption to anyone because I've never felt the need to go into detail about the things in Cayden's past. I respect him birth mother too much to do that. But for those who don't know...closing Cayden's adoption was one of the most gut wrenching decision I've made in my life. You can read more about that here...HERE.

However... Regardless of how hard the decision was for me I know without a doubt it was right for Cayden. I can not describe how my heart breaks every night he wakes up screaming for me to "save him". Crying and clinging to me like he's about to die. I would and will do anything to prevent those nights. And since the adoption has been closed the longest he had gone is 3 months night mare free. Three months doesn't sound like a long time but when you take into account when the adoption was open he would have 2 or 3 a night... HUGE progress has been made. So while I wish more than anything Jordan and Cayden could have a healthy relationship in the next little while. Last night's night mare proved other wise. Say what you will but my decision is mine. As Cayden's mother I have the right to do what is best for him... Even if that is closing his adoption.

Failed Adoption...Cherlyn's story

2011-11-04T22:06:00.000-07:00

I have had the pleasure of knowing many wonderful women because of adoption. Cherlyn is one of these women. To be completely honest I can't remember how we connected on Facebook but I am so entirely grateful we did. Cherlyn has helped me through some very hard things when it comes to adoption. It's sad to say we have never met IRL (in real life) but I'm hopeful sometime soon I'll be able to. Up until recently I has no idea Cherlyn and her husband Sean had been through a failed placement. My heart broke as she relayed the following story with me.

My name is Cherlyn and I am always happy to share my family’s journey on the path to adoption. We have a son that we adopted in August 2010 and are currently matched with another due November 22. It has been a path full of so many unexpected surprises, both pleasant and unpleasant. I have always wanted to be a mom. It is something that I knew I would be good at, but as my life went along I really questioned and worried if I would ever be a mother. At the age of 39, I was still single and really felt the proverbial clock ticking. But I also knew that I had to wait for the right person. I didn’t want to get married just for the sake of getting married and being able to have a family. Then one day, I met Sean. As we got to know each other we knew that we were perfect for each other and looked forward to a future together. He has 3 children from a previous marriage, so before I agreed to quit dating others, I had to be sure that he was willing to have more children. He was and we were married in January 2009. We were both 40.

We began right away to try to add to our family. After we had been married 4 months we decided to go to a fertility clinic just to make sure that pregnancy would be possible given our ages. We did all the testing and tried 2 rounds of IVF. When the doctor found out we weren’t totally tied to the idea of our children being our biological children she suggested we adopt. We had already reached that decision on our own after a negative pregnancy test following the 2nd round of IVF. We made the decision in October, selected an agency in Utah and started our home study in November 2009. Sean and I went to the Cayman Islands for our first anniversary. While we were there, a lifelong friend of Sean’s contacted us and told us that his cousin was pregnant and would like to talk to us about placing with us. We were stunned and thrilled. We spoke to her while we were there and she and I really had an amazing connection. She asked us many questions about our family. She asked us if we were religious and I told her we went to church every Sunday and tried to make our home a Christ-centered home. We never discussed what specific denomination we were and I didn’t think twice about it. When I got home, I sent her pictures and a profile and she chose us without meeting us. We live in Virginia and she lived in Nevada and she didn’t feel it was necessary.

She and I spoke once a week on the phone. We shared our hopes and dreams about the baby girl that she was carrying. She had had a dream that she was watching the baby grow from afar and knew that adoption was the right choice for her. There was a very strong spiritual connection. She wanted to know what plans we were making for the baby. She wanted me to have a baby shower, so my colleagues threw one for us. She was due in May and we decided that I would fly out for an ultrasound and meet her in March. I was soooo excited and so was she. We met and were instantly friends. We spent the day at the agency that would facilitate the adoption, getting the ultrasound, and eating. Her mother was with us. We talked and had a great time. During the conversation, the subject of religion came up. Her mother found out that we were Mormon and said that unless we accepted Christ, Jane (not her real name) would not be placing with us. She felt that Mormons were not Christians. We spoke about this for over an hour. I explained my feelings about Christ and felt that things had ended on a very positive note. Jane walked me to my car and said that she would still be placing with us and not to worry about her mom.

The next morning I drove to the airport fly home and got lost on the way to return the rental car and missed my flight. While I was waiting for the next flight, Jane’s mother called me and told me that Jane felt horrible, but would be selecting another family for the baby. My first impulse was to go get another car and drive to Jane’s to talk to her. I wanted her to tell me the news not her mother. I called my husband who insisted that I stay at the airport and get on the plane and come home. I was dazed and I don’t really remember the flight home. I know I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Jane called and confirmed that she wouldn’t be placing with us. I couldn’t believe it. It hurt so badly, but I also knew that Jane was hurting about her decision because she knew we were the family.

I was so depressed for weeks. I would come home from work and go straight to bed. I turned visitors away. I felt such a tremendous loss. In my mind, that baby was our baby. Jane had told me that so many times and I really believed it. My husband and I went to church and I heard a baby crying and ran from the building in tears. I didn’t know how to get over it and didn’t know anyone who had had a similar experience. I also really missed Jane. Two weeks later Jane and I spoke. We talked a lot about our religion and she still felt that the baby belonged with us. She told me to let her handle things on her end and she would get back to us. She had contact with us for a few more weeks and then we didn’t hear anything. My husband’s friend called us when the baby was born. I called Jane when the baby was a day old. I didn’t expect her to answer, but she did. I asked her what she had decided. She told me that since she couldn’t place the baby with us, she was going to parent. She said if the baby couldn’t be with us, she couldn’t be anywhere else but with her. She did want to place with us, but the reaction of her family was too strong. She and I had email contact for about a year after the baby was born. She wanted to know if we had found another baby and how we were doing. But we have not had any contact for about 6 months now and I am not sure that we will. I wish her the best. I understand that she was in an extremely difficult situation. It was one of the saddest cases of miscommunication I have ever experienced.

Living through a failed adoption prepared me for future contact with other birth mothers in a few different ways. I would never ever again assume that the baby was “mine” until the birth parents relinquish their rights. I enjoy the process, I prepare minimally, and I remember that the baby is theirs until legally it isn’t. I am also over the top in the information that I provide potential birth mothers. I never want there to be a misunderstanding like that again. I say anything and everything to make sure they have all the information to feel good about placing with us. I never want someone to feel that they were tricked into placing with us. I also want them to have what they want for their child and if we are not that, then we are not a match. I have also been much more relaxed in the last two matches. If it isn’t going to happen, there is nothing I can do about it and I have to let it be.

One of the worst things said to me after the baby was born was said to me by Jane’s father. He called me when the baby was about a week old to thank me for my role in his daughter’s decision to keep the baby. That was like a knife to my heart. I told him how I felt about that comment and needless to say, he never contacted me again!

There is always a risk for a failed placement when it comes to adoption. I want others to know that there is life after failed placement. It won’t feel like that at the time, but as time carries you forward you will have reasons to feel blessed. We now have one beautiful son and hope to have another in 3 weeks. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

Thank you so much Cherlyn for sharing. I can only the imagine the heart ache and pain that is felt in the adoptive parents hearts when a failed placement happens to them. I hope and pray that peace will come to them as peace has come to you.

This was posted via iPhone so I hope it looks ok... Much love!

Kim's Q & A about fighting for an open adoption

2011-11-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

I was able to have a little Q & A with a birth mother friend who has been with me from the beginning. Me and Kim have been through the ringer together. We've both made stupid decisions and yet come out all the better. I love her like the sister I never had. I would fly around the world for this girl. I tell you I'd do crazy things for her. I have driven many miles to save this girl and I know she will do the same for me. She is my SheRa!

See what I mean... The most beautiful SheRa I've ever met!

Q: Your adoption started out open and had a define the adoption talk in the hospital, correct?
A: Yes that was the initial agreement. We also said we'd keep in communication and see how to modify as things go along.

Q: How many visits did you have in the first year?
A: About 3. One at for his baby blessing, another extra one, and one at Christmas time.

Q: When did things start to close off?
A: When I started dating my ex husband. He wanted that chapter of my life to come to a close. So 6 months after placement

Q: So was it you choosing to close it or the adoptive couple?
A: Not at all.... We just lost communication and closeness I felt like my requests didn't pull as much weight after I had him. They wanted, especially the adoptive Christian (The adoptive father), to feel like they had "ownership". It was at that point in time I had to fight and be uncomfortably blunt

Q: Do you feel like they've come to terms with that and moved past needing "ownership"?
A: Yes I believe after 4 years and especialy since they've moved to Virginia.

Q: What was the hardest thing for you at first when the contact wasn't what you had planned on?
A: When I asked for at least pictures for 2 years and no efforts were even made. I have no idea what he looked like at 2 and 3 years. I didn't get any pictures for his 2nd and 3rd birthday. It wasn't until I finally pushed and was very blunt when I talked to him and them on his 4th birthday that I got pictures. I have however been able to talk with them on the phone every year for his birthday.

Q: Did they explain why they didn't send pictures?
A: Nope just was a little flaky and used moving as an excuse

Q: Do you think there is anything you could have said or done to prevent the drop in "contact" for lack of better wording?
A: I don't believe I could have done more, comfortably and not feeling like I was being angry...that's the last thing want that beautiful family to experience from me.

Q: Is there something you'd tell another birth mother who is in a similar situation?
A: To stand firm and assert them with what you want and how you want it. Set clear expectations from the get go. Try to visualize how you'll feel. And decide for yourself how you'd like it to be, from the beginning. And trust that they'll be respectful.

Q: Does the birth father have any contact with them?
A: None whatsoever... even tho I know he'd want to see him

Q: Is that the couples choice?
A: More of mine. I planned on him never being in the picture. So I kept it that way. I kind of painted a bad picture of the birth father to Christian and Audra....as we all tend to do. I however didn't tell them anything but the truth.

Q: Do you have contact with the birth father?
A: Yes we have kept in touch over the years he is married and has a daughter now. I'm #3 of 4 baby mama's

Q: Has he expressed to you a desire to see the baby?
A: Yes he wanted to fly me out to PA and then go together to go see Hudson. I said no and at the time my husband wouldn't have ever gone for it.

Q: Would you like for the birth father to have a relationship now?
A: I would if it meant a great deal to him. I know I hurt him terribly so I'd like to make things better for him and IF it was a good thing for Hudson right now or later on

Q: What has been the biggest struggle with the adoption when it comes to your family. They were all really supportive at placement and after. Has there been anything that has been super hard for them?
A: No they've all been greatful for adoption and knew it was for the best

Q: Who have been your support people through your pregnancy and after placement?
A: My mom and one sister who initially remained interested and asked. The let me talk about it freely

Q: What about your adoption do you wish you could change?
A: Not a whole lot just wish to be respected more by everyone and realize I still do and will always have feelings about it. And just more of an open communication from the get go

Q: What advice would you give to other birth mothers?
A: One thing I must say to birth mothers who are expecting is to not let any make you feel shameful. As if this time this miracle this gift of love and HUGE blessing is shameful and to be hidden NO it is one of the most beautiful experiences with my heavenly father

Guest Post

2011-11-02T17:52:00.000-07:00

I was asked to be a guest blogger on a little blog called BirthMom Buds (it's really not that little. HA!) I was honored to be thought of and the topic is something that recently a few of my friends have dealt with as well. Pregnancy after placement. There are emotions and birth mothers face after placement that after a while become stagnant. And then you get pregnant again (even if it's a wanted pregnancy) and all these crazy emotions start coming out. There wasn't anyone there to tell me what I was going through happened to alot of birth mothers. There wasn't anyone to tell me it was normal to feel certain things. SO I'm sharing my story post placement as much as I can. You can click HERE to read the post I did. I'd love your feedback!

Pregnancy Loss

2011-11-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

I have recently felt the desire to talk about things that have an impact on our lives that are not just adoption. They are things that can lead to adoption and things that adoptive couples may have lived through. But the topic today is not about adoption. This is an issue I haven't talked about much. It hurts and it's real and I know FAR too many people who have dealt with the loss of a pregnancy. The most recent is someone I went to high school with. We weren't close in high school but I knew of her and her sister. I heard about her loss shortly after it happened and was struck by this picture.

It is simply beautiful!

Another friend of mine had an ectopic pregnancy with many complications and was farther along than most ectopic pregnancies when they found out. She shared this on her blog.

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked, "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied

With confidence in his voice

I give many women babies

When they leave it is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for the day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God

I want my baby here

He took a breath

and cleared his throat

And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear,

but My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who

had so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

"Mommy, Please don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are okay

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lessons there are through

And on the day that you come home

they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see

What makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

There is no way to heal a broken heart from pregnancy loss. It's a very sensitive subject and shouldn't be taken lightly. Daniel and I have dealt with the pains of pregnancy loss and there is no way to describe the feelings that a mother goes through during that time. I clearly remember laying on the floor pleading that the pain would stop. It was feelings I'd never felt before. I've known the pain of placement. Choosing a better life for my child but in a form loosing them. Never did I imagine that pain I would feel when I would loose my child without a choice. I've often thought of the little babes that were too perfect for this earth. They have a mommy and daddy who love them very much. I can't help but cry when I read the following poem.

I have not turned my back on you

So there is no need to cry.

I'm watching you from heaven

Just beyond the morning sky.

I've seen you almost fall apart

When you could barely stand.

I asked an angel to comfort you

And watched her take your hand.

She told me you are in more pain

Than I could ever be.

She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard

Then gave your hand to me.

Although you may not feel my touch

Or see me by your side.

I've whispered that I love you

While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me

We'll meet again one day.

Beyond the dark and stormy sky

A rainbow lights the way.

To read more about stories about pregnancy loss you can read Emily and Danielle's story. I went to high school with both of these girls and they truly are amazing women. Thank you both for allowing me to share your story of my blog.

Emily's Story and Danielle's Story

I am also posting links to The R House and the awesome things she has written about pregnancy loss

Understanding and Supporting Pregnancy Loss

The Do's and Do Not's

The Grieving Process

These are GREAT resources that can be helpful to many people dealing with this type of a loss.

Worth Waiting

2011-10-31T23:24:00.000-07:00

This movie was sent to me by my mother. On of my brother's responded with... Are you trying to make me feel guilty for eating the chocolate chip? I laughed so hard! I have SO many days were I wish I would have waited. I am grateful for the blessing that Ally was in my life and the blessing that Cayden is in my life every day. It doesn't change the fact that mistakes were made in my past. My father has been quoted many a times as saying "One poor choice does not constitute another." I made a choice by having premarital sex but I didn't continue to make poor choices. I choose what I felt was best for my child and I placed her in a home with loving parents who were ready and able to care for her. Any way... watch the video. It's rather eye opening I think.

November...

2011-10-31T09:33:00.000-07:00

If you don't know November is National Adoption Awareness month. So I have decided (or rather come up with the crazy idea) to post 1 post every day about something dealing with adoption or things like that. Here are some posts to look forward to....
A super cute video about waiting until marriage to have sex
Pregnancy Loss
Fighting for an open adoption (Kim's story)
Surviving a failed adoption (Cherlyn's story)
Placement after Parenting (Amy's story)
Familial adoption (Brittany's story)
Things a birth mother should never hear
From Parenting to Placing to Parenting again (H's story)
Posting about the adoption walk
Hopeful adoptive parents (Halbasch's Story)
Abortion is an option (WB's Q & A)
Choosing an open adoption (Cyd's story)
A new birth mother (Whit's story)
Adult Adoptee (Camille's Story)

Guest Blogger

2011-10-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

I have a friend from high school that started a blog called My Yellow Sandbox and the whole thing took off. She is amazingly talented in so many ways. You should really go check her blog out. She does giveaways and all sorts of great things. While she's on vacation she let me be a guest blogger. Can I just tell you I've NEVER been so nervous about a post in my entire life!!!! I wanted to represent adoption well to readers that may not know or understand what adoption is. I hope I did good and make you all proud. Go HERE to read the post. Comment away and let me know what you think! I'd LOVE some feedback!

Teen mother... Jessica's story

2011-10-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

As you all know I'm a HUGE adoption advocate. Probably will be until the day I die. haha. But that doesn't mean that adoption is right for every situation and everyone. Yes it was right for me but women who find themselves pregnant have options. Parenting, Placement or abortion. I'm pro-life but am hoping to have someone guest blog about what it was like to come to the decision to have an abortion and everything that goes along with it. Anyway... back on subject. I was determined to parent at the beginning of my pregnancy (read more about that HERE) but God had other plans for me. So a friend of mine was willing to answer a few questions about parenting.

This is Jessica, Kade, and Ian.

Q: Tell a little about when you found out you were pregnant.
A: I found out I was pregnant on 2/2/10. I was missing a lot of work because of fainting spells, decreased appetite and exhaustion. I had a hunch I was pregnant but I'm anemic so I thought it could be from that as well. I had actually taken a morning after pill (plan B) the morning after having unprotected sex. Since then, I had crippling stomach cramps and was bleeding regularly (I attributed to this to my anemia). Finally it was too overwhelming. I confronted my mother who took me to the ER. After an ultra sound, some blood work and a urine test it was confirmed that I was 13 weeks pregnant. The doctor was concerned because of the Plan B pill I had taken and told me to see my doctor right away. I knew from that moment on I was going to parent my unborn baby.

Q: Was your boyfriend supportive of your decision to parent?
A: Ian (my boyfriend) has been completely supportive since day one. Family confronted us about choosing adoption or abortion but both of us had our hearts set on parenting. Ian never doubted our decision and was there to help through every step. In June of 2010 he was in a life threatening car accident. He was in the hospital for four days with a broken hip and pelvis. Kade was born a month later and Ian was up on crutches changing diapers and asking "teach me how" whenever a new parenting opportunity arose. I couldn't ask for a better companion to parent with. He has always been determined to be the best dad possible.

Q: How old were you when you got pregnant? how old was your boyfriend?
A: I was eighteen when I got pregnant. Ian was eighteen as well. We both turned nineteen before Kade was born.

Q: How far along were you when you took the morning after pill?
A: I took the morning after pill the morning after having unprotected sex. It's true, they're only 99 percent effective.

Q: After you let your family know your plan to parent were they supportive after that or did you still have some members question your decision?
A: My family has always been supportive of my pregnancy and my decision to parent Kade. I think they were sad, thinking of the opportunities I might miss out on but they've always had faith in me. My mom and grandma were much younger than I was when they had their first children.

Q: Has there been anything you feel you've had to give up or put on hold because you became a teen mother?
A: As far as giving things up or putting things on hold, there are so many things I had planned for my young adulthood. College was one, but I was able to finish school and get my CNA before Kade was born. I also wanted to travel before settling down with a family. That was put on hold but I wasn't as upset as you might think. I have always had it in my mind that this is what I was meant to do. God had a plan for me to be the mother of a child who needed my undivided attention. My great grandma told me, "God gives these children to mothers who he knows will take care of them." and I couldn't agree more. Being a mother is what I've always been destined to be.

Q: You mentioned that both your mother and grandmother were teen moms. Is there anything that they could have said or done to prevent you from being a teen mom?
A: My mother and grandmother were both teen moms. They both have always told me that it's a hard road and had encouraged me to go to college before considering children. Regardless, they are both very proud of me and my accomplishments. No, I don't think there is any more that they could have done to "prevent" me from having sex at a young age.

Q: Did you have a normal pregnancy?
A: My pregnancy was exhausting. I didn't gain very much weight (only 17 pounds), I was always tired and had a lot of stomach pain. My doctor insisted that there was nothing wrong and that Kade was just hell bent on being born. He's always been a fighter.

Q: During your pregnancy what was the worst thing that was said to you?
A: The worst thing said to me during pregnancy wasn't actually said directly to me. It was said about me and I heard it from an unintentional source. People thought because I didn't know that I was pregnant and I was a teenager who loved to party my baby was going to be "messed up". News also got out that I had taken a morning after pill and that the baby had survived. Rumors flew around that my baby would be retarded or still born. People said I was a horrible person for not terminating the pregnancy. Friends of Ian's insisted that the baby wasn't his. It was a big mess for a while. I simply did my best to put it out of my mind and focus on what needed to be done before Kade arrived.

Q: Did you guys consider marriage?
A: Ian and I have talked about marriage and both agree that having an unplanned baby as a teen isn't a reason to be married. Marriage is very sacred and shouldn't be taken lightly. We're best friends and we see eye to eye on how we want to raise Kade. We make decisions together, live together and both work to support Kades needs. Maybe we'll be married some day, but right now we don't find it necessary. Kade has both of his parents here with him, regardless of the fact that we aren't husband and wife.

Q: Once Kade was born what was your biggest concern?
A: Kade was four weeks premature and very small. He weighed only four pounds. He was unable to eat on his own and very jaundice so my main concern was his health. He stayed in the NICU and was tube fed until he could eat on his own. I went home without my baby. The Fairy Tale is that you leave the hospital with your baby in his car seat and balloons tied to your wheelchair. It wasn't like that at all. It was devastating.

Q: Once he finally was home how were things different than you had thought or planned?
A: Once Kade was home, I was relieved but still on edge. We were sent home with Billie lights and had to go to the clinic daily for weight checks. I imagined that I would take my baby home, cuddle him, bathe him and soak in the beauty that is Motherhood. Instead, I worried. I hardly slept, not because he wasn't sleeping, but because I was so concerned about him. He was still so tiny and yellow. He didn't eat much and he slept an unusual amount. By the time he was two months old, he seemed better. Still very sleepy, but we had settled into a routine and I was finally able to just sit back and enjoy him

Q: Do you mind telling about his health problems and when they started?
A: Kade was born without any fingers on his right hand, only little stubs. His thumb doesn't have a middle joint and he doesn't have a wrist joint either. The doctors aren't sure what causes this but said it's fully functional and he will learn to use it just as well as a regular hand. They said if it's painful to him in the future, which they doubt, he may require some physical therapy. We didn't find out about his hand until after he was born.

Kade developed a cough some time around three months old. It was a wet cough that turned him blue and left me in a tizzy calling doctors and rushing him to the emergency room at three in the morning. Over and over I was told that he was fine. It was a cold. It was allergies. Soon, more symptoms started to develop. On the off chance that Kade finished a four ounce bottle, he would be literally dripping in sweat. His hair was soaked, his clothes were soaked and he always fell into a deep sleep after a feeding. At night, when I got him out of his crib for a feeding, the sheets would be soaked as if he had wet the bed only it was sweat. The cough persisted, never easing up regardless of our efforts to rid the house of dust, keep a humidifier running, and sit him in a steamy bathroom to clear his sinuses. Again, I started taking him to the doctor. They told me he's just a sweaty sleeper. He has another cold. He's fine. His diagnosis in the emergency room one night was "a young, over protective mother." I felt so helpless and scared for him. I knew in my heart that something was seriously wrong with him. By January of 2011 his lips and eye lids were beginning to turn blue and he slept constantly. One night I was good and mad at the sheer ignorance of the doctors I had been seeing. After witnessing yet another sputtering coughing fit, I packed Kade up and took him to an after hours doctor whom we had never seen before. When the CNA took his vitals she pulled the nurse in. The nurse listened to his heart and ordered the doctor in. Within ten minutes we were in the lab getting chest x-rays. Another fiftheen minutes later, the doctor told me that Kade's heart was enlarged. It was close to triple the size it should be. He urged me to take him to the emergency room right away. In the emergency room we were told that something was definitely wrong with is heart but because he was so small it was necessary to schedule an echo-cardiogram with Primary Children's. The following Monday, after an EKG, more chest X-rays and an echo-cardiogram it was determined that Kade had two ASD's and a VSD. A Ventrical Septal Defect is a hole in the Ventrical of the heart. Kade's was large enough that his heart was working twice as hard just to keep blood flowing to the extremities. Activities like feeding or even sitting up were like high intensity exercise to him. The reason for Kade's cough was blood pooling in his lungs (phenomena) from his heart leaking excess blood into the lung cavities. The Cardiologist put Kade on multiple heart medications as a last resort to Open Heart Surgery. The medicines made him more sweaty, caused him to wet through his diapers within less than an hour and otherwise seemed to have no effect on his symptoms.

On April 12, 2011 Kade had Open Heart Surgery at Primary Children's Medical Center. They closed the VSD but left the two ASD's (smaller holes) to close on their own as he grows. It was the most terrifying day of my life. I can't even begin to describe the utter terror that I felt for my son. Kade recovered well- dealing with only one infection.

Since, he has had trouble growing. Lingering still at the very bottom of the growth chart. His immune system remains compromised, prompting vaccines that most kids don't get like the Synagis shot- for RSV. There was even a point that we had to wear masks when we were around Kade. And if we wanted to take him out in public, he had to wear a mask.

Q: Has him having heart problems ever made you wonder if your life would have been easier had you made an adoption plan?
A: Kade's heart problems have never made me reconsider my decision to parent. Adoption was discussed only briefly and it was very clear in my heart and in Ians that we would parent Kade ourselves. I have never regretted keeping him and have actually felt it an honor to be the care giver of such a brave, special and loving baby. He has taught me so much about resilience, patience and determination.

Q: What advice would you give for a young woman who find herself pregnant and is considering her options?
A: My advise is this: Pray, Pray, Pray about it and be damn sure that the decision you're making is the one that's right for you. I think when young girls get pregnant with "The Love of Their Life" they often fall into the fantasy that they're going to have this healthy, strong baby who will hit all their milestones on time and eat all their vegetables. It's so important to think of all the possibilities and be prepared for whatever may come your way. When I found out I was pregnant, I had no job, no license, no car. I was partying on the weekends with my friends and had no responsibility. When Kade was born, I had my license, a car, had finished my CNA courses and moved back in with my Mom so I could "settle down." If you choose to parent, you make yourself into a parent- a role model. If you don't think you're ready to transition into adulthood in the course of a few short months, maybe parenting isn't right for you. Parenting isn't right for everyone. I have utmost respect for those who can openly admit that and choose adoption- a better life- for their children. Because of the many loving families who can't have children of their own, I don't advise abortion. I'm not saying you're a bad person if you do choose abortion- but I think adoption should be looked into first.

Q: What advice will you give Kade when he's older to "prevent" him from pre maritial sex?
A: I'm not going to preach abstinence to him because I don't believe that it works. I'll share with him my struggles and relay my expectations of him. I want him to go to college and have a good job. Above all, I want him to know that I trust him. It's said that most teens who choose not to drink, do drugs or have premaritial sex do so because they're afraid of parental disapproval. I want him to be aware of the consequences of his actions and know that we hold him to high standards. I will teach him about protection if he does choose to have sex. Lets face it, teen boys are going to have urges. If these urges get the best of him I want him to be smart about it and be able to come and talk to me afterwards. I hope our relationship is built on trust and Open Communication.

I just want to say thank you to Jessica for being so willing to open up with me about the struggles that come along with parenting. The roads that lead from pregnancy out of marriage are hard. Adoption is hard, parenting is hard, and no matter what anyone says abortion is hard too. The biggest thing to keep in mind is do what you feel is right (and best) for the baby. You can read more about the life of a teen mother on Jessica's blog http://ianjesskade.blogspot.com/.

Telling a new family member....

2011-10-24T23:12:00.000-07:00

I have a brother who is getting married in February. His fiance is simply wonderful! She is perfect for him. I mean I could go on and on about how great she is... but I won't. We haven't really had a chance to sit down and talk about everything and I wonder if she has questions about everything. By everything I mean how adoption has touched my life in so many ways. I mean that's not something that comes up in normal conversation. Usually people ask me about things on Facebook or my blog. People have on occasion asked me questions in person but the setting has to be right. I don't know if it's something that I come out and say...."you can ask me anything, any time you want." or if I just leave it unsaid. I don't want her to feel like she can't ask me about it but at the same time I don't want her to feel like she has to. I don't exactly have a relationship with my brother that I can come right out and ask him if she's asked him about it. I don't know if she's read this blog... if she has she shouldn't have any questions because I'm pretty sure any question she would have had would have already been answered....

So I'm putting this out there... How have you talked to "new" family members about how adoption has changed your life?

Adoption Walk

2011-10-24T17:15:00.000-07:00

I hope to meet so many of you at this! Can't wait! Come dressed in Orange!

Shannon Q & A

2011-10-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

So after Shannon shared her wonderful story HERE she also answered a few questions for me. Here is the Q & A session I had with her.

Q: Is there anything you would change about your adoption?
A: One thing I would change is to know how the dynamic of the relationship with the adoptive couple could, and would, change. Yes, they want to be your friends, but there is a purpose for the relationship. Things WILL change, I just wasn't ready for those changes. Having a general or verbal plan wasn't enough about how open the adoption would be. I needed something in writing. The consistency of the communications changed. Life changes, I understand that. Some days I was caught off guard by a picture of Karson, but some days they came right when they needed to.

Q: How do you plan on explaining adoption in the future?
A: As far as Jayden is concerned, I will explain the situation that we were in and let him know that because of love, Karson needed to be safe. Also that Mr. and Mrs. X needed him just as much.

Q: What is the best advice you would give to someone considering placing their child for adoption?
A: I want pregnant women considering adoption to understand that you need to take yourself out the equation when considering to parent or place. The child needs to be the sole beneficiary of your choice. Being a single parent is hard and it will be tough for a long time. Being a birth mother is very hard through placement, but God will reward you for your sacrifice in so many other ways. “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.”

Q: What is the best advice you would give to a birth mother preparing for placement?
A: Please write yourself a letter indicating your reasons for placement. You need to remember your own strength. My own letter helped me find the light in the darkest moments of grief.

Thank you very much for giving me the opportunity to be a guest blogger. I love adoption and I will always be an advocate. One last thing....”BIRTH MOMS ROCK!”

Shannon's story

2011-10-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

I am honored to be a part of this blog. I never planned on being a part of adoption, but does anyone? It doesn't creep into one's life; it it there by divine design. My name is Shannon and I am a birth mother. A little background before I begin to tell my adoption story.

In September of 2006, I gave birth to a baby boy, Jayden Lucas.

His father and I never married, but we have continued to maintain a good relationship. I was a single mother working a full-time job and taking care of this cute little ray of sunshine. Two years later, I met John. We didn't date long before we knew we wanted to get married. He was amazing and made me feel beautiful. He was a little insecure and needed a lot of reassurance. I didn't like it, but also didn't expect perfection, because I wasn't perfect. Many of my family members saw what a strain this relationship had on me and wondered if it was right. They questioned the relationship several times and each time I chalked it up to them being over protective.

On September 27, 2008 we tied the knot and moved into a tiny 2 bedroom apartment in Sunset, Utah. Within 2 weeks he lost his job and I became the sole provider for our home. A few weeks later we found out we were pregnant! This definitely changed many things in the home. I became ill and tired all the time, especially working at a very demanding job then coming home to cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of my husband and 2 year-old. John's demeanor changed drastically. I understand the idea of being a newlywed and wanting to be intimate with your spouse often because its new and legal, hehehe. But when I was sick and exhausted, sex was the furthest thing from my mind. Sometimes I would go to sleep or pretend to be asleep so John would leave me alone. But John needed it more often and we would stay up and argue for two to three hours a night until he got what he wanted, whether I wanted it or not. This happened on an average of three times a week.

My walls were closing in and I was losing my mind. Trying to defend my love for him became an everyday battle. His insecurities were increasing. He needed constant attention and validation. I felt like I was doing everything I could to be the 'good wife'. But my efforts were never good enough. Our arguments increased and intensified. During a few heated discussions he took my head and hit it against the wall. He didn't want me talking to my friends or family, unless he was there. I couldn't go by myself anywhere. I was accused daily of cheating on him. At the end of a night after dinner, John would put Jayden in his room with the gate up and make me sit on the couch with him and watch TV. Jayden was two and cute as a bug. John said that I was babying him too much. I was paying too much attention to Jayden and not my husband. A few more weeks went by and his brother and his brother's wife moved into our living room. They were being kicked out of her father's home and desperately needed a place to stay. So, in our two bedroom apartment lived four adults, two dogs and a 2 year-old. I was the only one working a full-time job and felt like I was being taken advantage of. I knew that I couldn't stay in this situation, but I didn't know how I was going to leave. I prayed and prayed about it, silently, of course, hoping that Heavenly Father would hear me and create a way for me and Jayden to be safe.

The day after Thanksgiving, only two months later, things drastically changed. I came home from work and we started to argue about an ongoing issue. I had put my foot down about it and he didn't like it. Long story short...it took me an hour to get out of the apartment with my son in hand. I drove to a friends house nearby, called police and charges were filed. The next day my family came over to pack me up and move me out. I stayed with my parents for the time being. I was able to successfully file a protective order against him in December. He violated this order several times, never caught and never arrested. Through hiring a lawyer, I found out that he was married twice before, one annulled and one divorce. Plus, there were three other protective orders placed against him at the time. I was angry that he was dishonest with me and kept some very valuable truths from me. He continued to harass me for three months. By March 2009 time I was 6 months pregnant and scared for my life, my son's life, and my unborn child's life. I had done nothing to instigate any action from him, but he sure made every effort to ruin my life. I prayed to Heavenly Father night after night asking, “Why?” I cried all the time. I couldn't focus at work. I couldn't walk to my car by myself. I had to rely on family to help take care of Jayden. I was simply lost. I was relying on everyone else to protect me. But the only one who could protect me was Heavenly Father. He knew my heart. He knew the truth, even though John told so many lies to so many people. The charges against John had been dropped and I couldn't have been more upset.

By this time, I was at a point I didn't know what to do. I searched for answers. A few weeks later, I reached out to a trusted friend and I ended up at LDS Family Services at a birth mother group. I was immediately paired up with a case worker. I didn't want to rush into the idea of placing my child for adoption. I was scared for my life, but more importantly, I was nervous about how this whole nightmare would affect Jayden and my unborn son. Jayden was having separation anxiety and never wanted to leave my side. The thought of me having to share my unborn son with someone who was trying to destroy me disturbed me very much. I cried and prayed continuously. One scripture that gave me hope was Jacob 3:1, “ But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction.” Such power behind these words! Since I was married, a whole new set of concerns spun out on the adoption option. John HAD to relinquish his rights. If he didn't, then I had no choice but to keep my son and share him. This was not an option I wanted to think about.

In March of 2009, I had filed for divorce, but heard nothing back from John. I was almost in a panic mode. Being seven months pregnant time was not on my side. I had to do something and I needed to do it fast. But there wasn't much I could do. I knew in my heart I couldn't keep this child. I went to Heavenly Father in constant fervent prayer. If He wanted me to keep this child, He would provide a way to protect us. If this child wasn't meant to be mine, He would also provide a way to make the adoption possible.

Over the next few weeks I continued to attend the birth mother group which only increased the conviction to place my son. I met with my caseworker who talked me through a lot of concerns. Having an open adoption was my highest priority. Being a single mother I knew what I was losing. Into the month of April I had received my answer that adoption was the only option for us. I didn't know how it was going to happen, but I knew without a doubt that Heavenly Father was going to provide a way for my son to be placed. I started to look through profile books which were put together by my caseworker. I went through two books and found two families that I felt 'in tune' with. I prayed about them and reread their profiles several times a day. The next week we had set up a face-to-face meeting with each family. The first family was awesome and I knew that they were more than capable of taking care of my child, however, I didn't feel connected to them. The second family....whoa! BAM! From the moment they walked into the room, you could feel it. The mom started to cry and I consoled her right away. We talked about how we each came to our adoption situation. The spirit in this room was amazing! I felt no judgement from this wonderful couple, only love. I really didn't have to pray about it, but I did anyway. The next few days were filled with excitement and pain at the same time; giving my child to someone so deserving felt like my heart was being ripped apart but sewn back together with love at the same time. I knew God was pleased with what I was doing.

One factor that had not worked itself out was my husband. It took quite a while for him to agree to relinquish his rights. He had verbally agreed, but had yet to sign the papers. This was brought to the attention of all involved, especially the adoptive family. I had to let them know what was going on and what would happen if John had failed to do his part. They were quite positive because they had received their own confirmation that this child was meant to be a part of their family. My due date was June 10th and we only had six weeks for everyone to get ready for the coming of this special child. One of the things my caseworker suggested I do to get ready was write a letter to myself to keep focus of what I was doing and why. HERE is what I wrote (the names have been changed to protect those involved). I read and reread this letter until I could no longer cry.

By June 1st I was getting anxious to deliver the baby. As any expectant mother can attest to, there comes a point in the pregnancy where you just want to be done. I definitely had mixed emotions about being done. I wanted my body back, but I knew that my child would be gone. My caseworker called me Monday morning and gave me the best news ever! John had signed the papers! Heavenly Father heard and answered many prayers said on behalf of me, this child, and the adoptive couple. I was at work when I received the call and I became so emotional I had to leave. I felt a release of so much anxiety and uncertainty that I was physically exhausted. I definitely spent the next few days resting, praying, and giving thanks!

On Saturday June 7th I was having contractions and went to the hospital. But within a few hours I was released. False alarm! I knew the hour was nigh, but didn't know when. I didn't enjoy the waiting game, but wanted to savor every moment I could with this baby in my ever growing tummy. Early Monday morning I went into active labor. I checked into the hospital at 7:00 am. This time I hoped I wasn't going home. I waited till I was getting the epidural to call my caseworker. The labor was going really fast. I was excited that the couple made it for the birth of their son. I also had close friends and family there to support me. Mr. and Mrs. X, were at my bedside listening to me cry. This was not how I thought the delivery would be when I first found out about the pregnancy. I thought I would have a husband by my side and it would be a joyous occasion. They consoled me, but it was also evident that they were very anxious for their own reasons.

At 10:39 am, Karson was born!

Oh I sobbed. The room was filled with such love and I could not have been more grateful. Mrs. X was able to observe the delivery and cut the cord. There were tears of joy and sounds of excitement throughout the room. An angel was brought into my arms and the next few days went by way too fast. I had some great quiet times with Karson. I quietly told him about our story in a fairy-tale kind of way. I sang him songs and rocked him to sleep. I laid him close to my heart and felt him breathe. These are the moments I wanted to cherish. This is what I was going to miss the most.

Jayden came up to see Karson a few times. He held the baby and kissed his forehead. During the pregnancy I explained to him that baby Karson was going to go live with Mr. and Mrs. X because that's where Heavenly Father wanted him to be. To a two and a half year-old that was all the explanation that was needed at the time.

Two days later, I woke up early, for I knew it was going to be a BIG day.....placement day. I called the nursery and had Karson brough to me so that I could spend more time with him. I took a big breath and said a little prayer to get me through this day. People started arriving early and I knew it would be over soon. A blessing was performed, gifts were exchanged, a story was read, tears were shed, love had grown, a baby was placed from my arms into the arms of Mr. and Mrs. X, and more tears were shed. (I read the amazing story of The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn.)

As soon as it started it ended. I left the hospital with gifts, no baby, and a feeling of comfort. The spirit surrounded me for the next few days as I let everything soak in and tried to comprehend the greatness of adoption. Tears flowed for a few days and when I thought I was done crying a fresh batch appeared.

In preparation for adoption I also wanted to write a letter to Karson, but it didn't come until after placement.

__________

15 June 2009

To My Son, Karson,

It has been just over a week since I gave birth to you and I miss you more than words could ever say. I am your birth mother and I want to tell you a little about our story and how you were placed into the arms of your parents.

A year ago this week your birth father, John, and I met and fell in love. We shared many long conversations over the phone, and then had our first official date on June 20th. He proposed on August 8th and we were married on September 27th. For several reasons, our marriage did not last and we were unable to reconcile our differences. Those reasons will come at another time. This letter is about me and you.

From the time I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic to bring a child into the world, especially directly from the loving arms of our Heavenly Father. You are my second child. You have a half-brother named, Jayden Lucas. I felt incredible joy at the reality of extending my very own family. Due to the circumstances and events that occurred between your birth father and I, we separated two months after we exchanged vows. Many hopes and dreams were shattered and I realized that we had a tough road ahead of us. There were times that I didn't know if I could get through another day. But you and your brother Jayden got me through. The Lord was also there guiding me, comforting me and giving me strength. I am so grateful to our Heavenly Father for being there. Many family members and friends were also there showing unconditional love and support. I will always be thankful for them.

The pregnancy went very well and there were no complications as you grew inside the womb. Some of my favorite moments were of you moving and watching my stomach change shape. From seven months on you were positioned head down and your feet were up by my ribs. At nights, usually around ten or eleven o’clock you would wake up and roll from side to side. I could see your butt move and feel your hands and feet flutter on either side. If you didn’t like the side I was sleeping on your hands and feet would move indicating that you needed more room or for me to roll to the other side. I thought it was way cute to be taking orders from you just by a little kick or nudge. You were very active in the womb and I sometimes wondered if you would ever slow down. I also wondered if you were the one who was moving around, why I was the one who was so tired all the time.

There is a song I sang to you while you were in my tummy. It’s a primary song. I changed the words just a little bit to fit you and what I wanted you to know…

“You are like a star shining brightly
Shining for the whole world to see
You can do and say
Happy things each day
For I know Heavenly Father loves you!”

My hope is that when you hear or sing this song you will think of me. When I hear or sing it, I will not only think of you…I will send love out from my heart to yours. My hope is that you will feel it, accept it and share this love with others.

The decision to place you into an adoptive family did not come without struggles. My initial thoughts and feeling were to keep you, but at the same time I didn’t want your birth father to be able to subject you to anything like what he put Jayden and I through. I prayed and prayed to know what God’s will was concerning you. The more I thought about adoption and the more my faith in the Lord increased, the Spirit confirmed to me that placing you was indeed a part of Heavenly Father’s plan.

Once I knew adoption was the path chosen for us I started on my search for your parents. I prayed as I read through several profiles. A meeting was set up for me to meet Mr. and Mrs. X. As soon as they walked in I gave your mom a great big hug and I knew that this was where you were meant to be. We talked and discussed our situations and how each of us was brought to the choice of adoption. Instantly a bond was created and has continued to grow stronger every day since.

Karson, I have a firm belief that we all met and knew each other in the preexistence. We all accepted certain trials in our lives and this is the miracle that brought us all together. I accepted the privilege to be your birth mother and Mr. and Mrs. X accepted the gift to be your earthly parents. The Lord’s plan of happiness is wonderful and He knows you, Karson; you have a marvelous place in His plan. You are very special to Him. You are special to me, as well.

Karson, you have a special purpose and mission to complete here on earth and only you can do it. God has sent you here with many strengths and talents to fulfill it. Please stay close to the Lord, learn about Him and choose the right. Your parents will teach your about your brother, Jesus Christ and explain the importance of Him in your life. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don’t know what those reasons are until much later, but that is also the beauty of personal revelation through the Spirit.

I hope you become a strong, but gentle, man who strives to do the right. I hope that love, honor and respect become a part of who you are. Accept responsibility for the choices you make; learn from them, grow from them. This will end my first letter to you with many more to come. Please remember I love you very much and that I send my love out to you everyday.

Love,
Shannon
Your Birth Mother

Many people knew what I was going through, although they could not comprehend the grief and loss I had just experienced. They tried their best to console me and it worked temporarily. I often hugged Jayden tightly and he rubbed my tears away. He knew I was hurting and wanted to make me happy. His beautiful smile and big brown eyes couldn't keep me sad for long. He is an amazing spirit and I am grateful to be his earthly mother.

The day after placement I received some pictures of Karson at his new home with his new family.

I received updates about his doctors appointments indicating that he was a very healthy baby. Seeing the joy on the faces of each family member only reiterated that what I had done was right. I never again questioned if I should have placed Karson for adoption. But the question I will never have answered is, “Would he have been as happy with me as he is with them?”

I fear that every birth mother asks herself that question often. We will never know the answer, and its OK. Let me say that again, “It's OK!” Heavenly Father guided us to make the right choice to get these special children to where they needed to be. I shouldn't be selfish wanting to know something that was never going to be anyways. Over the next few months the sadness took over and consumed me. I felt lost. Satan was getting to me and kicking me while I was down. I was also coming down from a very spiritual high. I went back to work, I continued to be a single mother, and I marched forward into my journey to find the joy in life (which is the title of my own blog, The Journey Continues ) Some days were definitely harder than others, but each day life was getting easier. One of the hardest aspects of this adoption was me being a parent to Jayden first and then placing my second child. I knew that I was going to miss a lot of the first things that happen in a baby's life, such as, his first gassy smile, his first roll over, his first giggles, his first chubby leg crawl, his first steps, etc.

After the first year the openness of the adoption was winding down and I wasn't receiving as many emails as I had hoped to. I had to learn not to anticipate so much from them. I thought I had done something wrong in order for them to want to slow down almost to a crawl. It almost felt like we had such an awesome relationship from the time I chose them as the family until the temple sealing. I believe that's the point the communications were starting to drop off. I was confused and lost, again. I felt like I had lost some great friends. They are the type of people you would do anything for and vise versa. I wanted to be like them. I wanted a great marriage and family like they had. Maybe I wanted too much from them. Maybe asking for more consistent communication with them was selfish.

It took me a while to realize that I may have been a constant reminder of what they couldn't have by themselves....children. I also understood that they needed time to bond as a family without me. Some days I think it's because of something I did. I may have showed a little too much grief or opened up a little too much. I still don't know the exact answer, nor do I think I ever will. Maybe I just over analyze things too much. LOL. But one thing is for sure, Karson is safe and always will be. He is surrounded by unconditional love. I think about him everyday and I constantly pray that he will one day understand my sacrifice for him.

Almost two and a half years later I am happily married to an awesome man who loves and adores me. We are busy with our two boys, Jayden and Tyson. Jayden is now 5 and, Tyson, my step-son, is 3.

Marriage itself brings a whole new set of challenges, but I can definitely say that it's a dream compared to the first go-round. At my ripe old age of 32, lol, we're still considering, and praying about, having more children. Health issues have been a factor in our decision, and the Lord will be present in our discussions. For the moment, Tony and I are setting our sights on being sealed in the temple to each other and to our boys.

I am proud to be a birth mother, always will. It is forever a part of my heart and a part of who I am. Adoption is part of me by divine design, not chance.

I can't thank Shannon enough for sharing her adoption story with me. I met Shannon at the birth mother support group we were both attending and knew she was a special woman. Can you tell! Not every birth mother made poor choices and got pregnant out of wedlock. Not every birth mother is a lost teen trying to find her way. Birth mothers come in different packages from different backgrounds and different situations. There is no mold when it comes to adoption. Never has been, never will be!

Things a birth mother shouldn't say to an adoptive mother....

2011-10-16T23:52:00.000-07:00

While I know I'm no where near perfect I do have a pretty good understanding of two of the three sides to adoption. I've tried to say only the right things to Lori and Barton to never allow them to feel like I've felt because of things that have been said to me. And the same goes for Cayden's birth mother Jordan. So because I have NEVER read another post like this from the adoptive mothers point of view I thought I'd share what I've learned.

I'm starting out with a list of blogger birth moms that have posted lists of things not to say to birth mothers. There are some seriously stupid people out there and then there are people who just don't know any better. I've had a few things said to me that hit a soft spot and I didn't exactly know how to respond. So please educate yourself on what types of things a birth mother doesn't exactly need or want to hear.

http://www.thehappiestsad.com/2009/11/how-to-irritate-birth-mother.html
http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/2010/11/19-negative-and-positive-birthmom.html
http://birthmom-buds.blogspot.com/2011/10/theyre-only-words-right.html

Now on to my list of things I feel you should never say to an adoptive mother. While I know I'm no where near perfect I do have a pretty good understanding of both sides of this. I've tried to say only the right things to Lori and Barton to never allow them to feel like I've felt because of things that have been said to me.

He looks just like me. Every day he keeps looking more and more like me. Wow he looks just like his birth father. Yes as an adoptive mother we understand that our looks don't go into the child... we get it... stop rubbing it in!

She is just like I was when I was little. While I believe that nature is part of a child I truly believe that nurture is a bigger part. So while you (a birth mother) as a kid may have danced like a dork I'm pretty sure the adoptive mother also danced like a dork. You get what I mean right?

I'd really feel best if you didn't sing that song to her any more. Please keep in mind that you are the birth mother. You have given up your right to tell the adoptive mother how to parent, what to say, what to do, and where to go when it comes to the child. I know at times it's hard and frustrating that the adoptive couple isn't doing it the way you would.... it isn't your place to tell them to do things differently.

I miss him so much I wish I would have never placed him. While I completely understand those feelings that is the LAST thing an adoptive mother needs to hear. Regret over a placement is real. It hurts. I NEVER wanted Lori and Barton to know I questioned my decision. There is something to be said about a birth mother that will tell someone they never placed the child to begin with. I'm not saying it's not normal to have those feelings but to share them with the adoptive mother/couple... that's crossing a line. The joy that an adoptive couple feels after placement comes at a price, they already know that. Wishing that joy away can be VERY painful!

I think you'd be afraid to know my real feelings. There is a hurt that a birth mother goes through. Feelings that are hard, and real, and hurt so deeply. BUT there is a hurt that an adoptive mother feels as well. Not only the hurt from infertility but the hurt from seeing someone they truly care about go through something so painful. No an adoptive mother can't understand a birth mothers feelings when it comes to adoption. But they have their feelings of their own. Telling them they'd be afraid solves NOTHING!

Are you sure you want another one? Once we place our children into the arms of their adoptive parents their family choices are no longer our choice. Questioning their desire to continue to add to their family is honestly, truly, and NEVER has been our business. The gift a birth mother gives an adoptive mother is wonderful but questioning if they should be wanting more children is uncalled for.

"No one is going to know him like I do. They're not going to know how to comfort him or react to him, he's part me. I know me and he's part me. He has my personality and I get him." I have linked this to a blog post that I was given by the birth mother herself. She said it's ok for me to post the link. Thanks SD! When I read this my heart hurt! It hurt a thousand times! While that was never said to me I hurt just thinking if it were. I have never nor will I ever claim to know Ally better than Lori. While the situation with Cayden and Jordan is different a child grows and changes and I believe the me as his mother knows him better than his birth mother. In fact I can tell you exactly what to say to set him into a tail spin of rage. I know his most favorite stuffed animal to sleep with, where it came from, why it's his favorite, and what happens if he can't find it. I know better than anyone what do say to him to make him calm down and how to explain certain things to him. This seriously dug deep I tell you. Now maybe if I hadn't been on the other side of adoption it wouldn't. I can't answer that anymore.

I know these are only a few. Some haven't been said to me but said to adoptive mother friends of mine. Thank you C I couldn't do some of the things I know I must if it weren't for you! I'm sure there are more that have been said... so feel free to comment and add to the list!

Also here is a list of posts that are coming very soon.
Shannon's story-From marriage to placement
Amy's story-Placement after parenting
Jessica's story- Teen Parenting

And to kick of November (National Adoption Month) I will be doing a guest post on My Yellow Sandbox followed by 1 post every day for the whole month! Can't wait! SO much to look forward to!

Long distance open adoption... Sterling's Story

2011-10-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

I personally don't know what it's like to have my adoptive couple live clear across the country. In fact one of my "demands" was that the couple live in Utah, in fact that they live relatively close to me. Lori and Barton live just 15 minutes away from me and it's PERFECT for me. However I know there are some situations where the adoptive couple a birth mother is considering lives on the other side of the country. I asked a dear friend of mine, Sterling, to tell about how long distance open adoption has been a good thing for her.

Here is her story

When I found out I was expecting in June 2009, the furthest thing from my mind was adoption. I figured, as many do when unwed and pregnant, that I would marry my boyfriend at the time and things would eventually turn into happily-ever-after. When I was a mere six weeks along, it became very apparent that things would not work out. I had already started counseling at LDS Family Services, and was working primarily on my mental health. When I realized that I may need to start preparing to be a single mother, I sought counseling for that as well. My caseworker was wonderful and did not even bring up adoption for many weeks. It was on my mind, though, and one night in August I got online. Girls in my pregnancy support group had been talking about finding their couples online, and I knew I could put in a very specific set of criteria that a couple would need to meet. I thought of it as a little bit of a game at first, and spent hours searching through couples.

As I was searching, something incredible happened. I realized it wasn't a game, and suddenly all of the couples that I was reading about became very real to me. In each one, I saw my sister, my cousin, a neighbor, or a close friend. I realized that, just as I was struggling, these couples had struggled, too. They were hurting. So I sat back and thought for a few minutes. I went to my criteria page and made a few simple changes. I wanted my couple to live in my state (as I had been hearing about all of these amazing open adoptions, I was hoping for the convenience of a close family!), they had to have a dog, and at least one parent had to have a college degree. I wanted them to have no other children, and be willing to adopt children of a different race or special needs (my baby would be caucasian and I had no reason to believe he would have any special needs, but I wanted a couple who would love ANY child, regardless of biological makeup). I had many couples come up on my screen, and I read through each of their letters. I decided to email three of them (my caseworker still didn't know that I was even considering adoption), and within a day I had two responses. The first was from a couple that lived in Utah, nearby me I assumed (from their work history), but they told me that they were already in contact with another birthmother and didn't feel right playing two girls. (I later found them again and they did, in fact, adopt and have a great relationship with that birthmother!)

The second couple emailed me back with news I did NOT want to hear. They did NOT live in Utah as I had hoped... they lived the furthest they could live from me inside the lower 48 states! 2,500 miles away was not something I wanted. They also told me that after placement, there was a strong probability that A (the mom) would have to work so they would have health insurance, as infertility is considered a pre-existing condition and they could not be covered privately.

For reasons I didn't understand at the time, I emailed the second couple back. Something about them made me feel good, and I wanted to know more about them. Over the course of two months, we emailed over a dozen times. As Thanksgiving drew near, they told me they would be visiting family in Utah and Wyoming, and asked if I would want to meet. Just as friends, nothing more. When my caseworker found out, she almost had a heart attack thinking I was about to tell a couple that I was going to place with them without consulting her. I eased her fears and let her know I hadn't even come close to a decision (which wasn't completely true...)

I agreed to meet D and A, and the day after Thanksgiving we met at a restaurant. I wanted neutral ground. When I walked in, D (the dad) gave me a hug, then A gave me a bigger hug. As she told me how nice it was to meet me, I had an instant calm come over me, and I could see myself placing a baby in her arms. I couldn't believe that, without my actually seeking for one, I was receiving an answer. I was so grateful.

It took me another month of battling with myself to decide to announce. On Christmas Eve 2009, D and A found out they were going to be parents to a baby boy born in February 2010. I knew that placing across the country would be difficult, but for every fear I had I also felt comfort and I knew that somehow it was for the best.

February came quickly after that, and soon little D was here. Little D was perfect, beautiful, and everything I had dreamed he would be. I knew he would only be mine for a couple precious days, and that I wasn't sure if I would see him after placement (though D and A had already invited me to be present when they were sealed as an Eternal family after the adoption was finalized).

At placement, it started sinking in that in less than two weeks, this perfect little baby would be two time zones and what seemed like a lifetime away. I was so scared that D and A wouldn't keep in close contact, and I realized that I was fearful of losing my friends as well as this baby.

At the time, I didn't think I would ever recover from placement. When I placed little D in A's arms, I truly felt comfort but I didn't believe I would be okay. I knew it was best for little D though, so I went through with it. I was so happy for him, but aching for me.

D and A had to stay in Utah until ICPC went through, and we knew it would be within 2 weeks. I had assumed that knowing they were close would be comfort. Honestly, it was hell. I wanted to find them, to see them, to hold my little boy. I wanted to feed my baby hunger, because I knew they were staying a mere hour away from me.

The day before they returned home, I asked D and A if I could see them again. They happily obliged, and we got together at another LDS Family Services agency. Seeing them made me feel almost numb. Holding little D didn't feel quite the same. I almost felt that I was blocking everything out. It was so hard seeing them so soon, but I didn't want to wonder later if it would have helped. I think in a small way, it did. But it also made everything even more fresh. The pain, the ache, everything was fresh again.

Before placement, we had agreed on a specific timeline for contact. The first 3 months we would email and they would send pictures weekly. The next 3 months it would be every other week, then once per month until he was a year old.

When I would receive pictures from this sunny beautiful place, I couldn't quite connect. They were in a completely different climate, near the beach, in a world that I wasn't a part of. But they were wonderful, and told me every detail about the things they did. They sent pictures of their home, their dog, their neighborhood, the beach, all of little D's stuff, and they tried to make me feel more connected. Over the course of a few months, I was able to begin moving forward. I ached to see them again, but I knew that if I saw them all the time I wouldn't ever be able to heal. For my own personality, not seeing them for a while was so good for me.

When little D was six months old, I flew down to D and A's home. Seeing them again made me so happy. These were my friends! They had helped me through some extremely difficult times, and they were just as excited to see me. And little D was so big! He had grown so much, and it shocked me... I loved little D so incredibly much, but I didn't feel that I was his mother anymore. He was a child I loved so much, but I didn't feel that I had a right to him. My pride hurt a little bit with the realization, but my heart was finally able to start healing. D and A and little D were a family, in every way. I had helped create that.

When I left, D and A invited me to come back and visit in a couple of months so that we could have some time for just the three (four) of us to get to know each other. I was excited at the prospect, because it was more like a vacation.

Leaving was incredibly hard... the flight home I ached the whole time. For little D, for D and A, for their world. I had felt something being with them that I hadn't felt in a long time. I was struggling, wondering why I ached for them if I didn't feel that I had a right to little D.

After a couple of weeks, I got back into the groove of things and I was able to continue healing. I got more excited about visiting D and A, and when the time came I felt that I was ready.

The second visit was better than the first, and A and I grew very close. We would stay up late talking, we crafted, we shopped, and we laughed together. She offered to let me help with little D, and I would sometimes help (like feeding). Other times I would pass (like diapering). They were so giving, and I knew I was blessed to have them in my life, even though they lived so far away.

They would be coming back out to Utah for Christmas, and holding on to that knowledge made it a little more bearable for me to leave. When they visited in Utah, we had so much fun. I was getting used to having "family" living across the country, and the coming and going wasn't as painful or stressful as it had been in the beginning. I knew that the distance was helping me heal, and helping them become a family without the threat of a "stalker birthmom".

After their Christmas visit, I didn't see them for seven months... when I got married. A and little D came to my wedding, and when I found out they would be there I wondered if it would be difficult. After all, I was letting go of one part of my life and beginning a new part. I did a lot of introspection for a few months leading up to my wedding, and I was able to conclude that if I had placed nearby, I wouldn't have healed as quickly. I would have been desperate and would not have tried to build a new life. I never would have been able to move forward. I wouldn't have been able to let my single life go to be with the man I love for eternity. I am so grateful for adoption, and I am so grateful for each individual story.

D and A may live closer to me in the future, but I know without a doubt that everything turned out how it was supposed to. I would not have been okay if they had been close, even though many other birthmothers are. I HAD to move forward, I didn't have a choice. 2,500 miles is a long distance, and I couldn't hang up my life and hop a Greyhound bus. (I could have, but I would have run out of money very quickly).

Now, D and A and I have a close relationship that involves texting, phone calls, emails and, of course, Facebook. We contact each other whenever we darn well please. I talk to A more than I talk to my own sisters sometimes, and I've been able to get some great marriage advice.

Now, D and A are planning to adopt again. I'm excited because this time, I get to feel mostly joy. I will feel anguish for their birthmother, knowing the pain she will be going through. But I know that D and A are going to be a blessing for someone else, just as they were for me.

Long-distance adoptions are hard... but very worth it. They had time and space to become a family. And Hey, I get a great vacation every couple years or so!

A, Little D and Sterling

D and A are hoping to adopt again, and I would love for little D to have a little sibling! Please share!

You can also read more about Sterling and her adoption story on her blog.

GLEE Petition

2011-10-07T22:29:00.000-07:00

Go and sign the GLEE Petition. I posted about how it made me as a birth mother and adoptive mother feel HERE. I wish I would have come up with this but I didn't so I'm going to spread the word as much as I can. There is a HUGE difference between adoption fact and adoption fiction. People need to get everything sorted out before they started splashing it all over TV. So if you've been affected by adoption go sign so that people can stop hearing/seeing the lies of what adoption is. If you've never been affected by adoption go sign so that YOU can stop hearing/seeing the lies of what adoption is.

missing them...

2011-10-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

This is something I've never blogged about and never really thought it was common to feel. But when I read this blog post HERE I realized that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

When I first met Lori and Barton the connection was immediate. We quickly became friends. I was pregnant during the holidays and even spent time with their extended families at temple square (you can read that post HERE). I would frequently text Lori during the week telling her how I was doing and asking what they were doing. I spent time with their oldest boys and connected with their family. I didn't really expect much to change after placement and was a bit shocked when it did.

After placement I felt an ache that was different than the one that I felt for Ally. I felt an ache for 2 people who had become my rock through everything. 2 people who had been by my side through all of the trials through my unplanned pregnancy. I met Lori and Barton almost 5 years ago this November (wow I can't believe it's been that long). Lori wouldn't randomly text me throughout the day to ask how I was doing. I missed that more than I thought I would. I thought of them as my best friends through my pregnancy and it was like the dropped off the face of the planet after placement. I don't blame them at all. They had a new baby to bond with, and 2 boys that needed their attention too. I just think that NOONE prepared me for that. I had been told that things may be different but I don't think ANYONE expected me to miss them so deeply. I cried many days because I felt alone in a way I hadn't ever through my pregnancy.

Lori and Barton didn't understand my feelings and they had their own feelings. When I wanted to talk to them about things I couldn't because I felt like if I expressed my pain over the situation they would feel like I had regret over my decision. And maybe if they thought I felt regret they would cut contact and close the adoption. That was the last thing that I wanted. I felt like I couldn't be open with them about my feelings and I wish more than anything someone had told me to talk about my feelings. Let them know that I missed them. Tell them that they mean the world to you and you still need their support.

As an adoptive mother I will do anything for Cayden's birth mother. If she ever needed my support I would be there for her. I believe that Lori and Barton feel the same for me. I feel like they would be willing to help me if need be. So my advice, my words of wisdom would be... talk with the couple. If you know them well enough to miss them, express that to them. Let them know it's not regret of the decision you made but that it's a longing for their friendship that you miss.

Lori and Barton seeing Ally for the first time.

From an outsider

2011-10-05T13:35:00.000-07:00

I had this great idea the other day... Ask an outsider what my placement was like. The only outsider there was my wonderful photography friend Lindsay (owner of Lindsay Jane Studios).

Todd, Luke, Josh, Lindsay

I met Lindsay in the ward I was going to. We were team teachers for the sunbeams (4-5 year olds), and visiting teaching companions. She lived across the street from my parents. We became friends. When I was pregnant she was kind enough to take these maternity pictures for me. These were taken on valentines day. It sure made my day better.

In preparing for my hospital stay I asked Lindsay if she would be willing to be in the delivery room and in the room for placement. I knew I wouldn't really remember everything like I wanted to so I thought having pictures of it would help. ALL of the pictures of placement were taken by her. I am forever and eternally grateful for the gift she gave me. So without further ado here is the Q&A session between me and her about placement. If there are any other questions you would like me to ask her feel free to leave them in the comments....

Q: After you heard I was planning on placing Ally for adoption what was your initial reaction?

A: I was happy because I knew how devastated you were when you first found out you were pregnant. You were so young and I know how important it is to be raised in a family with both a mother and a father. I was glad to know that you felt good about your decision. It was also very scary because I think that would absolutely be the hardest thing in the world to do.

Q: What was it like to photograph Ally's birth with Lori and Barton there?

A: I was honored to be asked to take the pictures of Ally's birth and placement. Lori and Barton are wonderful people and I could tell that you already had a good relationship with them. It didn't bother me at all, and made for great photos of Lori and Barton seeing Ally for the first time.

Q: What were your thoughts on Lori and Barton being in the delivery room?

A: I thought it was completely normal since you already had a relationship with them. I thought that it was a beautiful gift you gave them by allowing them to be there in that moment. It didn't feel awkward at all.

Q: What was the hardest part about placement for you?

A: The moment when you actually handed Ally over to Lori. I was already crying throughout the process, but at that moment, I lost it. There were so many opposing emotions in the room. I could feel the pain that you and your family was feeling, and at the same time, feel the joy that was about to be Lori and Barton's.

Q: From a somewhat outsiders point of view, how did my placement affect your view/opinion of adoption?

A: This was the first time that I had been close to someone involved in adoption. I think it is such a beautiful thing looking at it from the perspective of the adoptive parents. It took me 13 months to get pregnant with my first child, and at that time, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to have children. Knowing that if all else failed with getting pregnant, that adoption is there as an option was a comfort to me. I have an enormous amount of respect for girls who carry a child for 9 months and lovingly give them a home with 2 mature parents who can love and take care of that child. I absolutely don't think I could do it.

Q: What is the most memorable moment from placement?

A: Again, the most memorable moment is the hardest moment, but when you handed Ally to Lori and embraced each other. The room was so thick with emotion and was very overwhelming. There was beautiful moment right before I left when I looked back and saw Lori and Barton holding their baby girl with such gratitude.

Q: Has being at my placement impacted you when it comes to being a mother?

A: The main thing that it does to me now that I am a mother to two boys, is that I now know how you feel about that baby girl. I know what it feels like to fall in love with your child the moment he/she is born and it gives me more of an insight into the pain and grief that you must have felt when you did what you did. I admire your courage and strength and love for Ally to place her with such a wonderful family who loves her as much as you do. Thank you again for allowing me to be a part of that moment in your life.

Todd and Lindsay both played a HUGE part in my adoption story. They may not know it but they were huge supporters of me all along the way. I'll never be able to fully thank them for the support they gave me over the years.

Giveaway

2011-10-03T18:56:00.000-07:00

Remeber how I posted about The R House and how Mrs R is amazing and how I often stop by The R House Couture and drool over the great things there... well guess what.... Where Angels Hang Around is doing a giveaway. I of course entered to win and you can too! What would you win...

Well this of course

It's a wonderful 5x5 print.

So go ahead and click on over to http://www.whereangelshangaround.com and enter to win this print. It'll make a great addition to any nursery, bedroom, or even can you imagine this print surrounded by family pictures... WONDERFUL!

GLEE...Parenthood...Adoption

2011-09-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

I will admit I use to be a GLEEK.... I however have NO desire to EVER watch the show again.... Why? Because of the HORRIBLE portrayal of adoption on the last episode. If you've never seen it before it's a musical type show that up until recently has been very interesting in it's portrayal of adoption.

You must understand that Quinn got pregnant by Puck and they choose to place their baby (Beth) for adoption with Shelby.
Shelby is also Rachel's birth mother. Shelby has attempted multiple times to have a relationship with Rachel.
Rachel, Quinn, and Puck are all member of the Glee club....

I use to love the fact that a birth mother was an adoptive mother (Shelby). It hit home with me. I could relate to that... until in this episode she had someone pay her way into the school so that she could be closer to Rachel. Many times Rachel has stated she isn't ready for a relationship with her birth mother. As a birth mother if Ally came to me and stated she needed space or wasn't ready... I'D TAKE THE FRICKIN HINT!
It was wonderful to see that Shelby was wanting to have an open adoption with Quinn and Puck as long as they "got their lives in order". My heart was warmed during the scene when Puck met his birth daughter and stated that he "would do anything to be part of her life." I wish Ally had that kind of a birth father.... My heart also broke during the scene that Quinn saw a picture of her birth daughter and became very emotional. I don't know how it would be to go a long period of time without seeing Ally (or seeing pictures). I can only imagine the pain that my heart would feel. But then the crap hit the fan....
I just about threw the remote at the TV when in the ending scene Quinn stated she was becoming who she needed to be to please everyone. And then just about barfed when she said she was going to fight for full custody of the baby she had placed for adoption. GLEE why do you do this to me?! Why do you have to spin such a positive and wonderful thing into something that looks so awful. Yes there is grief that is involved but come on now... the extent they took Quinn to was obscene.
I was utterly disgusted when Sue told Quinn she "lost her kid." I mean if I was told that at a time while I was struggling with the placement there's no way I'd be able to hold it together. I just don't know if I can handle watching it any more.

AND THEN.....

Parenthood has added adoption into their show. I haven't watched much Parenthood and I'm a bit behind on things but the 2 episodes I did watch I wasn't impressed with what they've shown... First off a main character asked the coffee girl at work (Zoe) if she could have the baby that she was placing for adoption. And then when Zoe said no she started avoiding her. REALLY!!!! come on!!! The reason Zoe gave was that she wanted a closed adoption and couldn't handle "giving the baby away to someone she knows." I just wish that once... just once the media could get the terms right.

Birth mothers DO NOT give their babies away. We place them for adoption, or place them with their parents. It was horrible how many times adoption language was used incorrectly. If you're doing a story on adoption... get your facts straight FOX and NBC!

So yes this is all my opinion but I know I'm not the only one..... I'm not the only birth mother that was upset by a few things. You can read about more HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE

Brothers

2011-09-25T00:54:00.000-07:00

I am the only girl in my family.... I have 3 OLDER brother who love me dearly! I know they do because they never have stopped teasing me. My mom growing up always said, "They tease you because they love you." I hope it's true! HAHA!

As you can see we're all kinda.... well.... we're quirky. We have had our differences in the past... we're siblings so I think that's the norm. We've all made different choices in life as well. But through everything we've been there for each other. I know my brothers each have a very unique relationship with me and they are wonderful in their own way. They also have special relationships with each other. Getting them together is such a joyous event. Noone ever stops laughing! I hope that Cayden and Jaxson have that same relationship.

I know over the years they will have their differences. Just as me and my brothers did. But I hope they will have the same kind of relationships that my brothers have with each other. I hope that adoption is NEVER one of those differences.

I hope Cayden is still able to make Jaxson smile and giggle and laugh til they are old and wrinkly. I still can't believe how big they are getting!

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. ~Clara Ortega

I can't help but be eternally grateful for the siblings that Ally was blessed with as well. They've added 1 more since this picture was taken (a little girl who is adorable mind you) but my heart is over joyed that she will have older brothers to love, protect, annoy, and bond with her. I am further reminded of the wonderful joys that adoption has brought into my life.

And just becuase we got Jaxson's 6 month pictures taken... Isn't he too cute?! I found this idea on Pintrest and fell in love with it. My photographer friend Kati was completely on board with the idea.

And while I've considered not sharing my life in the world of adoption a time or two. However, I continue to feel that I can help others understand all the complex and individual sides of adoption... So comment away if you will. I would love to know if this is being read or just simply looked over!

Does being sorry matter?

2011-09-24T23:23:00.000-07:00

There are 3 things in my past I wish more than anything I could change. The first one happened the end of my sophomore year of high school. The second one happened in March of 2008 and the third one... well it happened over a period 6 months in 2009. At the time I felt no regret over my decisions. I never thought I was in the wrong. I did what I thought would make the situation at hand better but it ended up creating more of a mess. Not many of you will know what I'm talking about. I'm fine with that. It's something me and my husband have battled our entire marriage. A trial we faced because of decisions we made. I prayed for the peace that my husband felt regarding the situation and I NEVER got it. It wasn't until recently I realized why... It wasn't my peace to feel. I just have to have the faith that the decision he made in the situation was the right one. There were people involved who said and did hurtful things, including myself. With time our (mine and Daniel's) wounds have began to heal... they are still there and will still hurt for a while. However it wasn't just me and Daniel involved in the situation. Does she (the other person involved) still hurt? I have no idea. Has she begun to heal? I don't know. Does she understand our hurt over the situation? No. Do we understand her hurt over the situation? No. Will there ever be peace between all 3 of us? No (I hope and pray there can be but I don't think there ever will be). Does me being sorry for things that were said and done really matter? I don't know that it matters to her... I don't know that she cares. To me it means I've grown from the mistakes I've made. I don't know if she will ever read this. I don't know that she cares what I have to say. In all honestly that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that I say it out loud for others to know. I'm truly, deeply, honestly and 100% sorry about how things turned out. I'm sorry about things that were said. I'm sorry about how I reacted to things she said. I'm sorry the situation couldn't have been different. Simply because I'm sorry doesn't mean I don't know that the situation was what was best for all involved. I hope that my sorry can maybe begin to heal a wound I caused unintentionally. I hope that my sorry can help her realize I'm not the person I was 3 years ago. But even if she doesn't realize that, I'm still sorry.

Feeling CRAZY

2011-09-10T02:24:00.000-07:00

I've thought about posting this for a very long time but didn't because I felt like I was the only one that had these feelings.... I wasn't and I'm not. There are many reasons why I love open adoption but one of the biggest ones is because of the friends I have made. Friends that I can turn to in times of need and friends that know they can turn to me in times of need. Today I had a dear friend messaged me with this message...

I am on verge of mental breakdown at every second. I can't stop crying! I heard its like this with your second baby for a lot of people...is that how it was for you!

Oh my gosh! All I could say was YES!!!!! I cried more days than I didn't. The crazy set of emotions came the moment the pregnancy test was positive. Even though we were trying to get pregnant, had actually been pregnant 3 times before (and miscarried) I was TERRIFIED to tell people. Most of all my husband. By this point we had decided that we wouldn't get our hopes up until we made it to 15 weeks... Can I just say 6 weeks to 15 weeks seems like FOREVER! I was terrified that he's react how Brandon did and want nothing to do with me or tell me the timing was all wrong or something stupid like that. I had no reason to worry about that because we'd been trying to get pregnant... the timing was perfect but I was still terrified.

Once we hit 15 weeks (and I could carry more than a gallon of milk) a whole new set of emotions came. Emotions that I wasn't ready for, didn't know what they were, and honestly didn't feel like dealing with. So I became an emotional basket case! I would flip out at Daniel when he would try and help me and then I'd start crying because I got angry with him. I was really sick the majority of my pregnancy and didn't want Daniel to help me at all. I had done one pregnancy on my own I was determined to do another that way.

More crazy emotions came out when we found out we were having a boy. I'm not going to go into too much detail because I already did HERE. After we found out we'd be having a boy I cried for the better part of 2 weeks. Ok when I say better part of 2 weeks I really mean I cried every day for 2 weeks pretty much solid. When I had FINALLY come to terms with the fact that I'd be having a boy a whole new set of emotions came at me... Something I wasn't at all prepared for....

I realized for the first time EXACTLY what I missed out on with Ally. I knew when I decided on adoption there would be things I would miss... but it didn't hit me until I was preparing to do all those things with the baby I was currently carrying. And then everything was made 100 times worse when I would think about the things that I wasn't able to do with Cayden. I blogged about it HERE.

There were things that happened after Jaxson was born that would send me off the edge. Things that normally wouldn't have bugged me made me cry for days, like when someone in our family told everyone about Jaxson's blessing and I wasn't able to do that. I FREAKED out. Normally I'm sure it wouldn't have been an issue but because I wasn't able to do that for either Cayden or Ally I felt like they had taken something away from me by telling everyone.

And then after dealing with severe health problems and spending the majority of the first 5 months of Jaxson's life either in the hospital or stuck in bed/recliner I realized something.... Something that also brought clarity to my friend.

All of the feelings and emotions that I felt during and after placement were pushed down and out of the way (not in a bad way) and now that I was in some what of a similar situation (the fact that I was pregnant) those feelings came back. Emotions that I hadn't dealt with or felt in years were coming back full force.

I still have moments where I "hit crazy town" (haha that's what we call it around these parts) but for the most part knowing why I'm emotional about certain things has brought a ton of peace to the situation. So I hope I'm not only in this. I hope I'm not the only one that struggled with certain things after placing a baby for adoption. I hope me sharing this will help other birth mothers deal with the emotions that come along with the wonderful gifts that we give.

I LOVE every minute of Jaxson's life. I love the gift that I have been given and the peace that has come from him becoming part of our family. I love the bond that him and Cayden share and the joy that I see in their faces when they interact. I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have such sweet boys all to myself! Aren't they adorable?!

giving more...

2011-08-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

I'm putting this out there for all my adoptive families that read this blog.
I'm wanting to give more to Cayden's birth mother. Back in November (read more here) we felt that it was best to close Cayden's adoption. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. We allowed her a visit on Christmas that affected Cayden in a negative way. I was reassured that closing the adoption at that time was a good thing. As the months went on I felt a pull towards Cayden's birth mother. I felt like she needed the adoption to be semi-open with just pictures and small updates on a blog. I know that I don't have any right to tell her what she needs so I emailed her and asked her if she would like to see pictures of Cayden. She said that she would. So I updated a blog for her. I got sick so the updates were fewer than what I would have liked but when I would look at the "stats" on the blog it hadn't ever been looked at. I got frustrated. It felt like I was wasting my time. I decided then that I'd stop worrying so much about her. I couldn't keep living my life worrying about if Jordan was healing from everything. I continued to update the blog a couple times a month but wouldn't ever hear anything from her. I would always initiate the conversation.
I guess I'm rambling here so here is my question.....
Do you ever feel like you want to have more contact with your birth parents? Do you feel like you want to do more for them but also feel like they don't want you to?
I'm frustrated with my feelings because I've tried to be as open as possible with her and tell her as much as I can but she doesn't ever open up the way you would expect her to.
Maybe I have this desire because I understand the feelings of longing for contact, wanting more, and wondering. Maybe she doesn't wonder about him like I wonder about ally every day. Am I crazy or is this normal?

Birth Grandparents

2011-07-03T01:18:00.000-07:00

I was able to attend a Michael McLean concert in May put on by LDSFS. It was very eye opening for me. I learned so much about myself but I learned even more about my parents. I was blessed to sit next to my dear friend Rachel and her AMAZING parents Rick and Kathy (truly love these people to death and I love spending Saturday's at their home in WY). There was a part in the concert where Micheal McLean started talking about his grandchild. He told about when his first grandchild was born he had a real awakening for what birth grandparents go through. It was through the words that he spoke that my eyes were opened to the pain my decisions in life have put my parents though. The decision of adoption was right, true, and perfect for me and the situation. That doesn't mean that it didn't come with emotions, complications, and heart ache.

In the book From God's Arms To My Arms To Yours by Michael McLean there is a section called "The Others" It says....

"When a birth mother makes the hard decision that her child is meant to be in another home, it affects more people more deeply than she could ever imagine. Not only is a birth father having to face letting go of this child, but everyone else in their extended families is too: aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. And though the families may support and even be proud of the choice, it's still hard, especially for the grand parents. It means letting go of all the memories they expected to make together--trips to the cabin, cookie-baking sessions, sleepovers, spoiling and applauding and loving. Grandparents have a special place in their hearts dedicated to giving their grandchildren everything they want. It takes true courage and the truest kind of love to be willing to give them everything they need. "

The song called 'Hardest for Me' was written with birth grandparents in mind. It's a song that truly touches my heart....

I'd start this out saying that my heart is breaking. But that wouldn't truly convey the depth of my feeling. It's no use concealing the things I don't know how to say. You'll be leaving and I'll be grieving a dream that never will be. It's a hard test when what's best for you is hardest for me. When this decision made such a revision. In plans I held tightly before. My fear was that it wasn't clear to me giving you up was really giving you more. 'Cause anyone loving you more than I already do was hard to believe. It's a hard test when what's best for you is hardest for me. Its' a taste of the bitter that lets us know better. Why one suffered in Gethsemane. It's a hard test when what's best for you is what's hardest for me.

As I sat there next to Kathy, Rachel and Rick I realized the true sacrifice that my parents had made. The sacrifice that all birth grandparents make. Until that moment I didn't truly understand the tears that were shed in the hospital by my family members, especially my parents. For the longest time I believed that the tears my parents shed the day of placement were because I was in pain. I think I believed that because if I truly knew the reason of their tears it would have torn me in two. I still cry when I think about it to this day. Yes my mother and father were shedding a few tears for the pain that I was dealing with but the majority of their tears was because of their own pain. The pain of loosing a grandchild.

My mother has said that the best thing in the world is being a Nana. She is the best Nana that my son's could ever ask for. She does everything she possibly can for them and loves them to no end. She never skipped a beat when Cayden joined our family. They had an instant connection. Her love for him never changed, it's been there from the beginning. She's ALWAYS been his Nana. When I see the joy she brings into my son's lives I sometimes get a little heart sick for the loss that she must have felt.

But I always remember that although there was loss there was also great joy.

This is only 1 of Ally's AMAZING grandparents but having met them all I can say that they are ALL incredible people. The joy that they bring to Ally is exactly what makes the hard choice all worth it. The smiles, hugs, and laughter that they share with their grandchildren is an astounding blessing. Without the miracle of adoption they wouldn't have the grandchildren they do. It's amazing the love that can shine through a grandmothers smile. It's amazing the love that comes along with adoption.

I wonder

2011-05-23T23:25:00.000-07:00

I was able to visit with Ally today. I spent part of the morning at her house watching her and Cayden run around the back yard and play together while I talked with Lori. It was joy I tell you, pure joy. And as I was talking to Lori I wondered if the relationship that I have with them will ever fade. I asked Lori her thoughts on the matter, because frankly she's like my best friend and I tell her everything, and was some what relieved and yet surprised by her answer. "Yes I think with time the contact will lessen, but that's ok." Part of me believes that too. As my life continues, as my family grows, and as their lives continue I believe the contact will diminish. Am I ok with that? I think I am. I LOVE having an open adoption and I know that if the contact does diminish that at any point in time I could talk to them about it and make a change if I wanted to. I'm grateful for the relationship I have with them. There are days where I hold onto every ounce of that relationship to get me through the day. But those days are become fewer and father between and I'm becoming more myself without them. It's wonderful how our relationship is now. I cherish the friendship that I have with every member of their family. I love that I can ask Lori personal questions and know that she understand me. I truly believe we met before this life and have been reunited through the joy of adoption. More than anything I love that I'm not tied down to anything. I can progress and change and it's a good thing. I can move forward with my life. Some people may say that I'm forgetting my child, that I'm being a horrible mother for being ok with that. Some people may think that because I am ok with the contact diminishing that I don't care for Ally. Those people are wrong. I will always and forever care for that little girl. She holds a piece of my heart that will never be touched by another living soul. But because I care that doesn't mean I have to continue to live stagnant in my life. I love the relationship that I have with the adoptive couple and I wouldn't change how it is.... right now. Time will change it. And I have to be ok with that.

Robby, Ally, and Jaxson. Cayden refused to be in the picture the stink head!

The reason

2011-05-10T23:22:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine sent me an email today, she will be called J bird in this post (I can't thank her enough for that email). She told me that she was "thinking out loud" and it may not make sense but that she thought that maybe the reason this year was hard for me was because... I'm going to put it in her words because it makes me laugh because it's exactly how she would said it.... "you have your own son that you birthed?" She was some what right. I spent most of the day in tears and the rest of the time thinking about why I had been crying. Around the time J bird (I just can't get over how perfect the timing was... she must have been inspired) emailed me I realized something. The reason I've had such a hard time this year was because I have a greater understanding of what I've really missed out on in Ally's life. Last year was hard because I felt like I hadn't been able to do the baby things with Cayden. This year I think it's so hard because I know how great it is and I couldn't do it.

I hated admitting defeat when it came to Ally. I hated admitting that I couldn't do it alone when that was the one thing I wanted to do most. I further hate that I couldn't do it with Branden, not because I was in love with him (because I've realized that I wasn't at all) but because he is her birth father and the person that I should have done that with.

I am so blessed to have Cayden and Jaxson in my life and I wouldn't if I had parented Ally. I know the path that I am on is the right one but that doesn't mean that the choices I've made to be on this path have been easy.

J bird also said "I don't expect or I don't think anyone should expect you to get over your adoption placement easily or fast. I seriously could not imagine doing it. I bet it is hard. If it takes 10 more years, let it. One day you'll be happy but if it takes long, then you'll be fine. I couldn't imagine getting over something that hard that fast." I realize reading back my post sounds harsh in the fact that I feel like I should be over this. I guess the reason I feel that way is because I've moved on with my life. I have a family of my own, my life is going great and I just can't seem to get past it. It's rather frustrating at times. I also think I should be over this because I've known since day one that it was right. I've known all along that Ally wasn't mine to keep. It's hard to know that and yet feel like I've missed out in some way. I feel like I don't have a right to feel like I missed out. It's a strange feeling really.

But at the end of the day what I've realized is that the longing feeling that I have inside my heart is for this....

My baby Ally. The little angel that I held for 4 days. That I was privileged enough to be able to bring into this world and give to her parents. It is that brand new, straight from the womb baby that I miss. And I'll never get that baby back. So I'll deal with the feelings that I have and continue to pray for peace and comfort. It will come, it always does.

Sad vs Angry

2011-05-09T13:20:00.000-07:00

Remember this post HERE where I was really struggling with things last year on Ally's birthday. I thought for sure this year would be better. I thought I'd be happy with how things were going and I wouldn't have to deal with any issues from placement. Man was I wrong. The only difference is that this year I'm not sad, I'm angry. Angry at what though. I don't know. I can't tell you that I'm angry I placed her for adoption because I'm not. I've never been more proud of that decision. I've never been more sure of that decision. I've tried to talk to my husband about things but he just keeps saying "It's been 4 years shouldn't you be over this by now." That statement just makes me even more angry because I think the exact same thing. It's been 4 years shouldn't I be over this by now. But that's the thing. I am over this. I have moved on with my life. I have my own family, a new baby, a very active 4 year old so why can't I just have an easy year! It's so frustrating, it's maddening...

And it just hit me... that's why I'm angry!!! I'm angry that when I think about tomorrow I get sad. I'm angry that when I thought about birth mother's day and mother's day I got sad. I'm angry that I haven't gotten past this yet! How long is it going to take me? It's so annoying that I still get sad about it. I know what I did was right. I'm ok with what I did. I know my daughter is with her family. WHY?!

Birth Mothers Day

2011-05-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

Most people outside the world of adoption do not know about birth mother's day. Many people inside the adoption world do not know about birth mother's day. It's not a day marked on calendars or a day a "typical" family would celebrate. It is however a day I hold dear to my heart and a day that has brought me peace and comfort throughout my adoption journey. It is a day that I always celebrate (even if my husbands thinks I shouldn't) because I am a birth mother and because a birth mother sacrificed for me and has given me Cayden. Birth mother's day is the saturday before mothers day. The first birth mother's day that I experienced was actually the day I signed my rights away (you can read more about it HERE), something I felt so strongly about that it was very easy for me to do. The first mother's day I experienced was in the hospital, with Ally (you can read more about it HERE). Both days were hard for me because I didn't know exactly what I should feel. On birth mother's day I didn't feel I had done anything special to deserve the title (because at that point I hadn't) and on mother's day I didn't feel I deserved to be called Ally's mother (because I wasn't). Over the years birth mother's day became crucial in my healing process. Every year I would spend time by myself thinking about the choice I had made, thinking about the baby I had given an amazing life to. However healing birth mother's day was for me mother's day seemed to be increasingly harder as the years went on. 2009 was the hardest year for me to date. I had just met Daniel and my emotions were pretty high at the time. Cayden had also just become part of my life but I wasn't positive how things were shaping up with his birth mother. I was sort of in limbo. Each year has improved and with Jaxson being added to our family this mother's day will be even more special.
I never dreamed in a thousand years I would have the privledge of being every roll a mother could ever be. My heavenly father has truly blessed me with many little lives and I'm eternally grateful.

This year birth mothers day will be a day I am even more thankful for Jordan and the sacrifice she made for me. Because the adoption has become semi-closed there are certain things I wish I could do for her that I can't. Things that would be counter productive in Cayden's healing process (there will be a post about how that is going/not going to come in the next couple hours I hope) and yet very productive in Jordan's healing process I believe. So this birth mother's day I will cry a tear in my behalf and hers.

This year mother's day will be a day where I celebrate my boys and the wonderful things they have brought to my life. I can't imagine not having Cayden ask me a thousand questions while driving down the road and having Jaxson screaming at the top of his lungs the entire time (he HATES his car seat).

So please recognize the birth mother in your life this saturday. Whether she is someone you don't know very well or someone who had given you the gift of motherhood she is someone special. LET HER KNOW THAT!

Birth Parent Panel

2011-05-02T23:36:00.001-07:00

I had the great privilege of sitting on a birth parent panel this past weekend. For those of you who don't know what a birth parent panel is....

A birth parent panel is where birth parents (for the most part birth mothers because most birth fathers aren't involved or they don't like to talk about things) are asked questions about their adoption experience. The questions range from what made you decide on adoption to share your advice for adoptive couples. It's very insightful for many adoptive couples who have NEVER been on the other side of adoption. While the adopting side is very positive and happy the placement side can be and usually is very negative and sad. While there are moments that are happy and good when it comes to placement the simple decision to place your child for adoption is heart breaking, no matter what the situation is. So for adoptive couples to be able to hear first hand what it's like it better prepares them for the road ahead of them.

Any way back to what I was saying. At the panel I realized a few things about me and my adoption(s).

The first thing is that I am INCREDIBLY blessed to have the support of EVERY single member of my family. Not one of my aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents questioned my decision to place Ally for adoption. They were completely supportive of my decision and were at times my rock in times of need.
The second thing I realized was that I am so blessed to be part of Lori and Barton's life. They have continued to include me in their life, although I know at times it is a struggle because of their busy schedules, and I am truly beyond thankful. Getting to know them for my entire pregnancy I bonded with them, both of them not just Lori, and it would have crushed me to not stay in contact with them. I think of Lori as a sister and Barton a big brother. I can turn to them with anything at any time. They are completely understanding of everything and SO supportive of me.
Third I realized that because I decided on the adoptive couple so soon I was able to feel comfortable enough with them to have them spend lots of time with me and Ally in the hospital. I was able to watch as Ally's mother cut the cord and as her father loving looked on as she was all cleaned up. I will NEVER forget being wheeled into the NICU and having Barton sitting watching over his daughter. He is the man I always dreamed my daughter would have in her life and I am eternally grateful for him.
Forth I realized that I need to do more to share the positive aspects of my adoption(s) with others. While things with Cayden's adoption haven't always been positive there are aspects of it that are very positive. People need to know what I've been through because I have a firm testimony that by sharing my experiences it can help others through the struggles they are going through.

So with that I'll end with an amazing quote by an amazing man....

"Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them, that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished His parental rights or interest in these His little ones.Now, love them, take care of them."
President Gordon B. Hinckley

Physical vs Emotional

2011-04-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

I will NEVER forget the emotional pain that day (May 14, 2007) holds. The feeling that life itself was ending, that my heart would stop beating. I will NEVER forget that pain....

This pregnancy however I've had to endure a different kind of pain. Physical pain. A pain that, trust me, I would take a thousand times over instead of the emotional pain. The physical pain of this pregnancy started on January 12 (DANG paper route :)) and unfortunately didn't end at delivery like I was hoping. My physical pain has continued throughout nursing. It's not done yet either. After 10 days of antibiotic shots in my butt (talk about extreme burning pain) I'm still suffering from the worst case of mastitis (breast infection) that my doctor has ever seen. You know you're the "worst case scenario" when they ask to take a picture for future reference. The physical pain from mastitis, on top of continuing to nurse, on top of healing from delivery has been more than I can bare at times. I've broken down crying many times telling my mom or Daniel that I'm done, I quit, I can't take it anymore.

And then I remember sitting on the edge of that hospital bed saying goodbye to my baby Ally.
I remember... I can do hard things.
I can and will do anything for my children. I will willing take this physical pain because my child will benefit. I will take this physical pain because I've already done the worst emotional pain any human being can handle. I will take this physical pain because I am a mother!

Jaxson Parley

2011-04-05T00:14:00.000-07:00

Introducing the newest addition to my circle of motherhood. Jaxson Parley Shaw.

Being able to be a birth mother, adoptive mother, and biological mother has brought many blessings into my life. I am eternally grateful for the blessings adoption has brought to my life and even more grateful for the peace the newest addition has brought to my soul. I am loving every minute of my life right now and can't wait to share more moments of how adoption will continue to touch my life.

"Siblings"

2011-02-12T22:13:00.001-08:00

So I've been asked a couple different times...
Who is Ally to Cayden? or Do you feel like Ally and Jaxson are brother and sister? Do you feel that Cayden and Sopheya (Cayden's birth mothers daughter) are brother and sister?
I further thought about these questions when I read this posting on The r house. So while I KNOW I may get negative feedback from what I'm about to say I'm going to put my views out there....
So first you must know a few names and how they relate to me and my adoption story

Cayden- My son...technically he is my step-son, however I adopted him
Jaxson- the child I am currently pregnant with
Ally- the baby I placed for adoption
Jordan- Cayden's birth mother
Sopheya- Jordan's daughter
Branden-Ally's birth father
Scarlet-Branden's daughter

First question I will answer....
Q: Do you tell Cayden and Sopheya is his sister?
A: No I don't. Jordan relinquished her rights before Sopheya was born. It's not like a foster situation where the two children interact and know each other. Cayden doesn't have any sisters but will soon have a little brother.

Q: Who does Cayden think Ally is?
A: Cayden knows that Ally "grew in my belly" just like he grew in Jordan's belly.

Q: Do you view Ally and Scarlet as sisters?
A: NOT AT ALL! Ally's ONLY sister is named Olivia and was born on October 8, 2011.

Q: Will you view Jaxson and Ally and brother and sister once he's born?
A: Honestly no. Ally will always be part of our family in the fact that we'll call her a family friend but she's not a sister to any of the children that Daniel and I will have.

So I'm putting it out there... Do you have any questions that you'd like me to answer. I promise I'll answer them all honestly. They can be about being an adoptive mom, a birth mom, a regular mom, anything at all. Ask away!

Sooner than I thought

2011-02-06T01:32:00.001-08:00

My entire pregnancy with Jaxson I have been anticipating the day I would have to once again walk into the Labor and Delivery department of Davis Hospital. I knew it would be hard. I knew I would have emotions and feelings to deal with that I haven't had ever (or in a long time). What I didn't know is how much I would remember and how those memories would affect me SO much.

Thursday night around 10pm I had one really hard contractions, followed in 3 minutes by another really hard contraction and so on until 11pm when they stopped all together for about 30 min. I didn't want to wake Daniel up and so I waited it out. I had 2 contractions in 40 minutes and thought I was in the clearing. I went to bed and didn't think much of it. However Friday morning when I woke up I was fine... until about 10am. The pains began again and boy were they strong. From 10am to about 11am I was having contractions about 7 minutes apart. Around 11am they stopped and again I didn't have any for 30 minutes. I stayed in bed all day but consistently had strong contractions. I called the doctors office and was told I needed to go into the hospital (that was around 1:30pm). I packed my bag and Cayden's bag and waited for Daniel to get home from work (that's around 3:40pm) and then we headed to the hospital. The nurse led me to Room 6 (Not 4 thankfully, that would have been a nightmare) and I got changed while Daniel and Cayden went down to admit me. I tried to take as much time as possible knowing that being lone in the labor and delivery room wouldn't be good for my emotions. after I got dressed in the lovely green gown they supply i sat in the chair next to the bed, silently dreading the moment I had to get in it. As I looked around the room a flood of memories came over it. It was almost like I was there as a spectator watching Ally be born. Barton sitting in one corner by my head, my dad in the other. Lori and my mom watching in awe as that sweet little angel entered this world. as I began to sob, somewhat uncontrollably I remembered the heart stopping feelings I had right after Ally was born. Not hearing her cry was one of the most terrifying sounds of silence I have ever lived through. I was soon brought back to reality by the sounds of my own sobs. I knew I needed to get myself together before the nurse came in so she didn't think i was crying about the pain. when the nurse did come in I asked if I HAD to get in the bed. She looked at me and said "well, you're in early labor. So ya, you do." She had a look in her eyes that almost said... you've got to be kidding me, not another crazy pregnant lady. So I quickly replied, "It's not a big deal it's just that the last time I got in a labor and delivery bed it was to give birth to a baby I placed for adoption." Her expression quickly softened and she said "Oh. I'm sorry. Yes you kind of need to get in the bed now." A few minutes later Cayden and Daniel came back up and I was quickly reminded by my so sweet "almost 4 year old" that my decisions in the past were right. As I sat in that bed listening to my babies heart beat I realized my journey was coming full circle.

The biggest difference this time around is Daniel. He was SO sweet! When I told him I had been having a hard time he made sure he was as close to me as possible. when my dad came to get Cayden, Daniel made sure to give me a hug and a kiss before he left the room. He told me four times, "I'll be back in just a few minutes. If you need anything call me." He was SO incredibly sweet. By 7pm I knew Daniel had to be hungry because I was completely and utterly starving. Ice ships and 1/2 a Popsicle only made me more hungry too. I literally had to threaten him so he would go get food. He was simply adorable! I can't believe how lucky I am to have such an amazing man willing to stay by my side. I am SO blessed!

Bugged

2011-01-06T18:06:00.001-08:00

Before you start reading this you must know I am using this blog as therapy for the day... I have to get some things off my chest even if they are harsh!

The last couple days I have been ALL SORTS OF BUGGED!!! Not with everything... Just with one thing.... Cayden. That sounds horrible so let me explain. I am bugged that I wasn't there from birth to 2 years. I am bugged that I missed SO many big things in his life. I am bugged that I wasn't able to do the things with him that I'll do with Jaxson. I am just bugged about it.

All my bugged-ness turned to sadness after reading Cayden a book he got for Christmas called I love you so...

It starts like this...
"I love you."
"How much?"
"SO much."
"How much is 'so'?"
"WAY, Way more than you know..."
I love you as BRILLIANT as each sparkling star, and as WAY OUT as space, I love you THAT far.
I love you as GIGANTIC as a great lion's roar, and as DEEP as the ocean, I love you MUCH more.
"That is a lot," you say, "but HOW did it start? WHERE did love come from to be in your heart?" YOU put it there, really, when you and I met. And I knew for certain WITHOUT you I'd fret.
From MY HEAD to my TOES, I was feeling inside a devotion for you SO DEEP and SO WIDE. And now it's ENORMOUS and wonderfully real and hard to describe HOW MUCH I feel!

And then the part that really gets me....
I CAN'T IMAGINE life before YOU came along... me there singing senseless, no MEANING to my song.
Call it MEANT TO BE or simply blessed fate, you fill my heart WITH LOVE.... and for THAT I celebrate.

I know without a doubt that I was and always have meant to be Cayden's mommy. I loved him from the moment I met him and have NEVER stopped. The thing that bugs me so much is that the person who could have had the moments with him that I miss so much walked out at 8 months and hardly looked back. Only when bugged beyond belief did she even care to think about him. AND THEN.... she hurt him, she yelled at him, she did unspeakable things to him! I have days where I HATE her! I have moments where I want to tell her how I really feel. I don't think I'll ever be ok with what she did. I don't think I'll ever get over some of these feelings.

I am grateful she allowed me to adopt Cayden but honestly... did she have a choice? It was god's plan and I know it was meant to be. But I have days where I wish beyond wish that I could have been there when she walked out.
I have days don't want to tell her anything about Cayden anymore. She doesn't deserve it! She did so much to hurt him that I don't know that she deserves to see him ever again. The last visit went SO horribly that honestly I don't know that I'll ever let her see him until he's fully grown. I don't know that I'll update her blog for a while because again... she doesn't deserve it!
Well I've got it out there.... Do I feel horrible about the feelings that I have, sometimes. Do I wish it were different, yes! Am I wrong in cutting her out, probably. Is it best for Cayden, WITHOUT A DOUBT!!!

Adoptive Couple Retreat

2010-12-29T13:30:00.000-08:00

Last year I had the chance to be on the birth mother panel for this retreat. It was such an awesome experience and I was able to meet so many great people. I learned so much about being an adoptive mother and was able to teach others about what a birth mother goes through. I am very excited to be able to help out with the retreat again this year. Although I may go into labor and won't be able to be there I'm excited non the less... So ADOPTIVE COUPLES.... you are invited!!! Pass the info along to someone you know who you think could benefit... I'd love to meet you and see you there! http://retreatforadoptivecouples.blogspot.com/

MINE!

2010-12-16T00:44:00.001-08:00

Well for starters I must admit that I have been slacking at posting things on here. I've started many things but don't find the motivation to finish them Life as a stay at home mom has left me less and less time on the computer (it's defiantly a good thing) which means less and less updates on the blogs. Although I'm usually up until 2 am every night (yes Mr. Jaxson doesn't know how to allow his mommy to sleep) I don't have the motivation required to blog. But tonight I HAVE to blog. I was scanning through friends blogs when I came across a video posted on one of my high school friends blogs. It's a video she put together of the birth of her son. Honestly I have to tell you that I cried. Why did I cry you ask. Well at first I couldn't figure it out. And then it hit me. I was watching her hold HER son, love HER son, be with HER husband, and share those moments with him. I realized in those moments that I've attempted to distance myself from all of those things. Up until this blog posting I have NEVER called myself Jaxson's mommy. I have attempted to not feel some things I think every mother has felt. Yes it's strange, no it's probably not normal, but it's what I've been doing. I'm thinking the reason is because that is what I did my last pregnancy. I am a creature of habit and maybe because I didn't allow myself to feel certain things during my pregnancy with Ally I feel that I shouldn't with this pregnancy. Well I'm going to put forth a great effort to make that stop.

The following statements may come out wrong but I can't think of any other way to say it. Jaxson Parley is MY child! I don't have to share him with anyone, EVER! I don't have to ask to see pictures or share pictures with others. I don't have to call for a visit or be called for a visit. He is completely, utterly, 100% MINE!!!

As I've thought about the fact that we're having a boy (yes I've come to terms with it and am enjoying it) I've come to realize the reason we're having a boy. We're having a boy for me! There are some things about Cayden's adoption that are really hurtful to me. Things that I don't often share with other people. Some of those things include the fact that I wasn't there for so many important things and Daniel doesn't really remember them (because he's Daniel) so he can't share them with me. I wasn't there when Cayden smiled for the first time, I don't even know how old he was for that. I wasn't there when he rolled over for the first time, crawled for the first time, laughed for the first time... ok you get the point. So many of his first time things I wasn't there for. I have to admit I have been VERY jealous of all my friends that get to experience those first time things with their babies. Not only am I jealous of them but I sometimes find myself jealous (and slightly angry toward) of Jordan. She was there for some of those moments and the ones that she wasn't there for it was her own choice to not be. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be ok that I wasn't there for Cayden's first birthday and she was. I hope I will be, I have faith that I will be, I pray that I will be.

I sometimes feel really stupid for being jealous for those times that I wasn't able to be there in Cayden's life because I get to spend the rest of Cayden's life with him. I can't explain why I feel the way I do, I just know that I do. I wonder if sometimes people who adopt children through foster care feel that way? And then I think about Jaxson and the fact that he is MINE and I will be there for all of those moments and I will be able to do all of the things I didn't get to with Cayden and I smile. I am so grateful that while I prayed desperately to have a girl Heavenly Father listened to my prayers and went on his jolly little way planning out my life how it needed to happen.

And then I have this heart stopping fear.... Will Cayden be jealous of Jaxson because mommy was there for his first birthday and not Cayden's? Will Cayden be jealous of Jaxson because I've always been in his life? I hope he won't. I pray he won't. But what if he does? What will I do? How will I let Cayden know that although I have always been in Jaxson's life I still love him just the same. I still think of him as MINE as well, but mine in a different way. Maybe there is another reason we're having a boy first, so that it wouldn't create even more problems for Cayden.

So I am vowing right here and now to who ever reads this that I will begin to feel like a mother to Jaxson. I will allow myself to want to feel him move. I will allow myself to not be miserable all the time. I will allow myself to smile over the fact that MY son is growing healthy and strong. I will allow myself to know that I will be a good mother to MY son and that he will be loved by ME!

24 weeks 4 days

His real reason

2010-11-29T15:29:00.001-08:00

After getting a phone call from Branden, (yes you read that right, he some how found my number and decided it would be a good idea to call me) the other night I have a NEW perspective on what was going through his head. For starters he doesn't care about my daughter, he never has. He was such a jerk to me when I decided to place my daughter for adoption not because he was "loosing" his child but because he was loosing me. He STILL compares everyone he dates to me (talk about living in the past) and at one point told the mother of his two children (also his ex-fiance) that he couldn't marry her because she just didn't live up to what I had been to him. Seriously.... I don't even know that I ever loved him! I feel like he was a means to getting Ally to her family and that's it. Some of the hurtful things he said to me got to me, they would get to any person who was pregnant and single, but not because I loved him. I had ALWAYS thought that he reasons for being against the adoption weren't what he was "claiming" they were.... and NOW I know it! He actually told me he's still in love with me.... WTF!!! I responded with "Well I'm completely and utterly 100% in love with my husband and wouldn't change a thing about my life." I am SO glad I handled the situation the way I did!!!

HE DIDN'T KNOW!!!!

2010-11-27T18:44:00.000-08:00

After brief email I found out that Branden didn't know alot of things! He didn't know that the papers he signed allowed me complete control over the situation! He didn't know that if he refused to sign the achknowledgment papers he would have forced me to parent! He didn't know his rights! How do you get yourself into a situation like that and NOT KNOW!?! Why would you sign papers and not know?!

Love....

2010-11-22T18:45:00.001-08:00

So as I sat watching these two play I couldn't but think about how extremely different my love is for each of them. I love Ally in a very different way than I love Cayden. I love Ally more like a niece than my daughter, which as I've thought about it is completely healthy for me. I love to see her, hear how she's doing, hear her cute little voice, talk to her about everything that is going on in her life, and just watch her play. But as I sat with her the other day I realized how different my love is for her. Some people may say that it's wrong for me to not feel a "mother's love" for her but I just have to say.... I'm not her mother. Lori is, always has been and always will be, her mother. She knows Lori as her mother and knows me as her birth mother.

I am so blessed to have the relationship I do with Lori and Barton. As I was in their home Lori asked Ally who's belly she grew in. Ally didn't even hesitate to point to mine and smile. Would I feel the way I do about adoption if it weren't for Lori and Barton, I don't know. But even bigger blessings have come through Lori, blessings she doesn't even know of.

When Cayden and I got home from visiting with Ally Cayden came up to me, took my face in his sweet little hands, looked into my eyes and said "I grew in Jordan's belly huh mommy?" I couldn't help but smile and say "Yes, you did." Then he said something that I thought wouldn't happen for a LONG time. He said "She's my birth mom huh?!" I was brought to tears and simply nodded my head when he continued and said "That means she loves me alot huh?" I said "Yes" and Cayden got the biggest smile on his face and said, "I like having a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom." I sat and hugged Cayden for as long as he would let me. I can't help but think of the blessing that Lori was in this situation.

Before a few days ago the mention of a birth mom would throw Cayden into an asthma attack but after playing and visiting with other children that have a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom he's become more "ok" with the situation. I don't know if I had more of a closed adoption with Ally if Cayden would have "come to terms" with his "situation" as soon as he did.

So while I love Ally differently than I love Cayden... I can't help but feel extremely blessed to have them both in my life!

I was wrong

2010-11-17T22:39:00.001-08:00

So I may have done some things wrong in my adoption experience with Ally... things that I look back on now and wonder if I could change would I. I don't know. It's been just over 4 years since I found out I was pregnant with Ally. Almost 4 years since I told Lori and Barton I would be placing my baby with them. And almost 4 years since I last talked to Branden. But in those 4 years I have to admit I've thought about him often. I've wondered if he's happy and how he's doing. But most of all I've thought about how he relates in such a big part to my life. I've wondered if I regret some of the things I said to Branden when I was pregnant. And while I admit, up until a year ago you couldn't have paid me to say yes, I am truly sorry for the way I handled the situation.

There is a large part of me that wishes Branden would have reacted differently when I expressed my desire to place Ally for adoption. But at the same time, I wonder if his "support" in the situation would have made the decision I made even more difficult. But no matter how difficult it would have made things for me, I know I was wrong. He should have been there at my doctor appointments and check-ups. He should have been there when I went into early labor because of the car accident. He should have been there to worry just as I did when she wasn't breathing at birth. He should have been able to hold her before he had to say good-bye and not after.

There is never any way for me to undo the past and honestly I don't think I would. While I do have regrets about how I handled the situation in regard to Branden I truly believe that had things been differently Ally would not have gotten to where she needed to be on this earth. So while I'm sorry for the things I said and did I believe that I personally needed the situation to be how it was so that I could force myself to have the strength to do what I needed to do.

I have wondered many times if he ever thinks about her like I do. And so because I know my choices had an effect on him that he had very little control over I wanted to offer my memory to him. If he ever wondered what it was like when she was born, I'm willing to share. If he ever wondered what my pregnancy was like, I'm willing to share. If he ever wondered anything and I have the answer, I'm willing to share.

And while I know this doesn't change the past I guess I hope it will ease any pain I may have caused him.

Branden with his 2 daughters

Grateful

2010-11-14T20:28:00.000-08:00

Today I can't help but be grateful. Who am I kidding. I can't help but be grateful every day for Lori and Barton. They are simply AMAZING! Through everything I have been through since placement, including a failed marriage in which Barton walked me through the divorce process, they have ALWAYS been so supportive of me. Through the big events in my life they have always been there. Lori continually amazes me at how wonderful a mother she is to all their 5 children! They have never once made me feel unwelcome in their home. They have never once made me not feel special. They have always understood my feelings and been very helpful in everything I've gone through in the last little while. I truly don't know who I'd be if it weren't for them. They are angels in my life. So because I know Lori reads this blog ;).... Thank you thank you thank you!

Why?

2010-11-11T22:07:00.000-08:00

Why am I always the one that has to live my fears? Why am I always the one that has to live through things the hard way? Why am I always the one that has to be a test waffle? Why do I have to have so many dang fears that are ALL related to continuing my family?

To better understand why I'm asking all these WHY questions you must first know some pretty good news. I say pretty good but in reality I've been waiting for this day for MONTHS now. My husband and I found out today that our baby (due 3-26-11) will be a BOY!

Everything is healthy and growing perfectly. With that said I've been crying on and off since we found out (not until we left the clinic though) and I cried myself to sleep too. I thought at first I was crying because I didn't want a boy. But it wasn't until I talked with a friend that I realized why I have been crying so much.... It's not because I'm not happy we're having a boy. It's not because my heart was set on a girl. It's because I keep remembering sitting on the edge of that hospital bed holding Ally thinking that one day I'd take home my own daughter and then walking out of the room, falling to the floor and thinking that I'd never have another baby girl. A baby boy will be wonderful for Cayden and for our family. I'm excited to do all the boy things and what not but no matter how much I am excited and know it's right I just can't shake the feelings that I might never have what I gave Lori and Barton. I know without a doubt that what I did was right. I have never wanted it any other way. I know the decision and sacrifice I made was right and true but some times my emotions/fears get the best of me.

So as I continue to cry I realize that it's healthy and normal and I think alot of birth mothers feel this way, at least I hope they do and I'm not just crazy.

Closing an Adoption

2010-11-10T09:09:00.000-08:00

I NEVER thought I would be the one saying that a closed adoption would be a good situation for a child. But as the weeks have gone on with Cayden acting out and having his asthma attacks I've realized that what is best for my child is not what I feel is best in a classic adoption situation.
For weeks I have questioned if Cayden ever accept the fact that he has a birth mother and a mother. After days like I've been through in the past few weeks I don't know that he ever will. I've done my best to only answer his question about his adoption when he ask them. But he never seems to like the answers that I come up with.

The other day Cayden was angry or sad ALL day. He woke up crying, went down for a nap crying, woke up again crying. Ate his food in tears. Everything he did he cried about. Every time I would ask him why he was crying his answer was short and simple.... "I don't want to have a mommy and a daddy and a birth mom. I only want to have a mommy and a daddy." I told him that "having a mommy and a daddy and a birth mom means that there are more people that love you." That didn't sit well with him.

He would at times ask "Mommy, who is Jordan?" To which my response was either "She's your birth mom" or "You grew in her belly"(the answers that we have ALWAYS given Cayden when he asks about Jordan). But any time he brought her up it would turn into a crying fit, which would become an asthma attack, which would turn into a panic attack and ultimately end in lots of tears and me holding him blowing in his face hoping he'd calm down and breathe.

I don't get it any more. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it. Daniel thinks we just don't answer his questions when they are about Jordan. UM... hello have you met Cayden? If you don't answer his question he only freaks out more and throws a bigger fit. I'm considering taking Cayden in to see a specialist of something because it isn't healthy for him. The things he remembers from his past scare me (they would scare any mother if they had happened to their child) and I wish he could forget them but for some reason, he doesn't. He remembers them with detail that I find astounding. He tells me at times he hurts where he hurt yesterday. When I ask what he's talking about the details always go back to real events that happened over a year ago, some even longer.

I'm worried, I'm not sleeping, and I feel like it's all going to come crashing down some day, some day soon.

A few days ago I asked Cayden why he'd been so "naughty" lately. He responded with something I'd NEVER thought about. Something that breaks my heart as a mother, birth, and adoptive mother. Before I explain any further you need to know what Cayden said. He said, "I don't want Christmas to come. If I'm naughty it won't come." When I asked him why he didn't want Christmas to come (even though he's been telling me every day what he wants for Christmas) you said "Because that's when Jordan comes." My heart broke as I realized how truly traumatized Cayden is right now in his life. At 3 1/2 he doesn't want Christmas to come because he was scared of seeing Jordan. I told Cayden that this year Christmas would just be Mommy and Daddy and Cayden and that he wouldn't have to see anyone that he didn't want to. It's SO sad that he can't think of anything else but negative. It's sad that he's having to deal with emotions that most people don't ever have to, and he's only 3 1/2!

So, we went to talk to his doctor. And as hard as this is for me to say it's something that I know is right and true. Something I've prayed about and finally found peace in. While I will still be open and willing to talk about Jordan with Cayden I've had to realize that an open adoption is not what is healthy and best for him. I tried for the longest time to hold out hope that things would change but I don't know that it will. Having such an open adoption with Ally and having to have a closed adoption with Cayden is VERY hard for me. But it's not me that matters. It's him. I love him more than life and only want what's best for him. So tonight, I hold him a little closer, I sing to him a little more. And share my heart with him like never before.

Jordan (Cayden's birth mother), Cayden, and Me

Fears

2010-10-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

I've realized this pregnancy that I have many fears... Fears that I don't think are normal but that for whatever I'm experiencing. So here is my list.

I fear that I will never have a baby girl and that I lost out on that chance

I fear that when this baby comes I will have the same feelings of placement all over again

I fear that if this baby doesn't come out completely healthy I'll have an emotional break down.

I fear that I will love this baby more than Cayden.

I fear that Cayden won't get the time and attention that he needs.

I fear that somehow I won't love this baby like I love Cayden.

I fear I'm going to have an emotional break down if we find out we're having a boy.

I fear that Daniel won't understand if I have an emotional break down if we find out we're going to have a boy.

I fear that with everything going on in life I won't be the mother to my children like I know I need to be.

I fear that I'll make it to 32 weeks and the baby will be born still born or something.

My list could go on and on about things I fear will happen or will not happen. I think that at times my fears run my life. I dote on Cayden making sure he gets as much love and attention from me as he possibly can before the baby comes. Then at the same time I worry that all the attention I'm giving him is only going to make the transition that much harder. And what if for some reason I feel a different love for a baby that I carried than I do for Cayden. To me right now it makes no sense. I would do anything and everything for Cayden. I love him more than life itself and I can't imagine loving him any less. But what if it's a different kind of love. Is that even possible? When am I going to get to the point that I quit fearing what could be and live for what is? Is that ever possible after the loss (and yes I just said loss) of placing a child for adoption? I still don't know if any of this makes sense and I don't know if it ever will to someone that hasn't lived through the heart ache and pain that I have. I often wish I could talk with Emma Smith. While her situation was different she too felt the loss of loosing a child but then gaining 2 through "adoption". Her strength and testimony is amazing to me. To think that she would bury so many of her children rattles my mind. Out of 7 pregnancies she would only have the joy of raising but a handful of her children. Out of my 5 pregnancies so far(including this one) I will only have the joy of hopefully raising 1 of those children. Yes I have been truly blessed by Cayden. I can't imagine what I would do without that little man. And I believe Emma felt the same way when Joseph and Julia Murdock were brought into her life. Do I have the kind of faith that it takes to be a woman such as Emma? I fear (yes that dreadful word) at times that I may not. I pray that I do. I pray that the Lord will give me strength to carry me through all that I know is ahead of me. And yes I have fears, what I believe are valid fears, that at times seem insurmountable. And today was one of those days. This last week has been one of those weeks. Will I ever really be able to not hurt from Ally's placement?

And for your reading enjoyment
18 weeks pregnant

Emi's Placement

2010-09-30T15:19:00.000-07:00

The night of the 24th I woke up in tears. I didn't understand it then but realize now that I knew that in a matter of hours Amy wouldn't be mine. The day of placement was the hardest day I have ever had to live through. My 3 brothers and parents were there. I consider it a blessing to have had my brothers there, it has made the relationship that we all have so much stronger. That morning wasn't to bad, we all sat at the agency and talked for a while before the adoptive couple got there. Maggie and Ben walked through the door and I couldn't help but let Maggie hold Amy. She told me that is was ok for me to hold her the whole time. We took pictures, talked, had a good time, and then I heard the worst words in my life. "It's time Em." I knew they were right but I just didn't want to believe it. I walked over to Maggie and place Amy in her arms. I gave Amy one last kiss and then hugged Maggie and Ben. My family did the same as we walked out of the room, away from Amy. As soon as the door closed I fell to the floor will with the most amazingly agonizing yet joyful cry.

I felt every emotion at that moment. I was so happy that one I didn't have to grow up yet, two that I didn't have to deal with Dave forever, and three that Amy had a family that was simply wonderful. But all at the same time I was so mad that they took my baby, that Dave was a creep, and that i couldn't do it myself. I felt sadness, happiness, anger, joyful, jealousy, but you know what... it was all worth it, and for the best.

I in all my life and still to this day, never thought I could and would go through with placing Amy for adoption. But because of it I am a much better person. I am thankful for it. I don't even want to consider where I would be or what I would be doing if I had parented Amy and if I had stayed with Dave. That night in the hotel room Amy woke up a couple times and I had a confirming witness that I was doing the right thing. I knew I couldn't do it alone.

After placement, I morned the best way I could, the way that helped me. I went on vacations! A lot pf people may think this is really mean, but I got over the adoption pretty fast. I mean of course I was sad and would cry about it and miss Amy from time to time but I never wondered what she was doing thanks to an open adoption. I knew that I had done the right thing and that God had helped me, that how I got through so fast and so well.

Shortly after I placed Amy for adoption I met my now husband of 1 year. After a few months of Dave stalking me my family and friends did what needed to be done. My husband text him and let him know he needed to leave me alone. After some very angry yet quiet funny texts from him we decided texting him wasn't enough. So then my friend, the one who asked me to write this, talked to him and told him I had a restraining order against him and to leave me alone. Thanks to my husband and friend I haven't heard anything since, thank goodness.

Its been 3 years, I am wife, a mother and a birth mother. I love my life, I love what I did, and I love who I am. I don't regret anything that I have done in my life and never will. Being a mom now, I realize what I did was the best, it's hard work and I have help and it's still stressful. I would have never been able to do it on my own. I thank the Lord every day for what he has done for me and what he had given. Without him I don't know what would have happened to me.

Thank you, Thank you to my Friends. Thank you to my brothers and sisters, and my nieces, for being there. Thank you to my husband for staying by my side knowing what I had just gone through. Thank you for staying by my side through my hormones, my outbursts of cries for missing her and just sitting there and hugging me. That is ture love right there. Thank you to my parents, for putting up with my teenage crap, and supporting me in everything, I can't thank you enough.

And then the drama begins! Emi's story part 3

2010-09-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

After they left all I wanted to do was sleep, and so did my dad he fell asleep in the rocking chair while my mom sat held Amy. Not to long after, this lady walked in. I thought my parents knew her, and they thought I knew her. Ended up that no one knew her. She came in, sat down and said I'm a friend of Dave's mother and I'm here to talk to you about adoption. We all like ummmm excuse me, Oh hell no! My dad doesn't get mad easily but when he does, it's scary. After this lady came in my dad was so mad. Not only did this girl wake us up from our nap but she is going to talk to me about adoption and try to get me parent. It wasn't going to fly with my parents. I have NEVER in my whole life seen my dad that mad, he was so mad my mom had to calm him down. The lady kept saying I'm here to talk to emily not you, what nerve!!! My parents looked at her and looked at me and said do you want to listen to her. I didn't really want to but I knew that if I did Dave would understand that I had listened and new all of my choices and still made the decision to place Amy for adoption. She let me know that she place a baby for adoption 25 years ago and it was the biggest mistake she had ever made. She said she has no idea how he is and if he is still alive. She said that she has been told that Dave and his family didn't know anything that was going with this pregancy and baby and that it was wrong of me to not let them in. Not only were we all mad that they sent some crazy lady (oh who was also a ex mormon and now a christine minister, she made that VERY clear) but now this crazy lady was trying to tell me that what i was doing was

A: wrong

B: that Dave and his family had no part of this and

C: that they thought that they were not apart if this.

Um hello they had just been up to see me and Amy. Thankfully my parents were there because they said everything I wanted to say but couldn't because of my medicine and anexity. They let her know that they haveve been apart of this they have known everything. They let them know that they had just seem Amy. They would know know what would happen with Amy because we decided on a open adoption, we would get pictures and letters so we would know. I could not go on living if I didn't know how she was. Just because she isn't technically mine doesn't mean i don't care about her. I love her more then anything. That's why choose adoption. After we explained everything she sat there blank, she didn't know any of that, Dave and his mom told her a completely different story. She was there for about an hour. And as soon as we felt I changed my name and moved rooms. Within minutes Kevin, the supervisor with LDSFS, came in and told me he had bad news.

For a time frame....Amy was born May 20th at 11:45 pm. I got woken up at 7:30 am and all this crazy lady stuff happen before 10 am. It hadn't even been 1 day after having an emergancy c-section. Amy's parents were there too. He turned to me and said "Dave went and signed the papers. The adoption is stopped for now."

I couldn't believe it! Dave had said he wouldn't sign the papers if we allowed him to see her. I was mad. But I think more sad than anything. I was so hurt that Ben and Maggie (Amy's adoptive couple) were there and heard everything. Dave got up and walked out of the room followed shortly by Maggie. My mom didn't leave my side from then on, she was not going to let anyone go near me and my baby. A few hours later we were talking to cops and lawyers trying to figure everything out.

In all of this I didn't really get to spend any time with Amy. Between all of the drama with Dave, his family, the adoptive parents, some friends, and the medicine I don't remember holding her at the hospital at all. Two days after Amy was born Kevin came in told me that because of the situation I would probably have to place that same day. Kevin had talked with Dave and he had agreed to sign his rights away, but of course there was a catch. Dave wanted to speak to me with the baby for a half hour. I immediately said no, that my parents had to be there. After some talking he agreed to let my mom stay with me. Because of safety reasons (so Dave said) he would only meet at the agency. So I was released early from the hospital and headed to the agency.

Small side note from Katelyn.... I was furious that first of he'd stop the adoption and then secondly basically force Emi to check out early. Having just placed a baby (a week before Emi went into labor) I knew what it felt like to feel like nothing was going right and to think that you'd never be able to spend time with your baby. I told Emi that she needed to DEMAND that she have extra time. I didn't want her having some of the feelings of regret and wonder that I did.

Me, My mom and the baby said in the room waiting for Dave. When he walked in I said "Would you like to hold her?" I wanted to allow him to so that he could never say I didn't let him be involved. He looked at my mom and then said "No, because if I do I'll just take her and run." I knew then that Amy wouldn't ever be safe around him and I was SO desperate to place. I handed Amy to my mom and sat there expecting him to ask me to reconsider, that he'd change and we'd be a big happy family. I thought may apologize for all the crap he'd put me through in the last 2 days. But instead he talked about cars. For 30 minutes all he talked about was cars. He had made me and Amy leave the hospital when we shouldn't have so that he could talk about cars for 30 minutes! After 30 minutes he stood up and left, that was it. He went signed his rights away for the second time.

I worried that if I placed that day I would have regrets so I talked with my case worker, the adoptive couple and my parents and decided that I did need more time. We came to a agreement that I could get 2 more nights with her in a hotel. I was so excited that I would have time with her like I wanted. I signed away my rights the day that Dave did. I spend 2 joyful days in a hotel with her, holding her, cuddling her, and doing everything I ever wanted to with her. I placed her into Maggie and Ben's arms on May 25 2007. I don't have words to express to Ben and Maggie the awesome gift that they gave me by giving me those extra days with her, they mean the world to me.

Emi's Story Part 2

2010-09-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

Meeting them for the first visit was so amazing. I was so scared to meet them, I didn't know if I should hug them. I didn't know what to say really. Thankfully my parents were there to help talk, (I don't do very well talking to people that I just meet, ask my husband, I get really bad anxiety). We walked in and they were just perfect, so funny too. It was easy to talk to them, I was so excited to be placing my baby girl with them, I wanted the pregnancy to be over just so they could have their baby!

Everything was going perfect, I found and met the family, Dave was on board for now. And I was able to be a teenager again, well after the baby was out I'd be able to. Things took a turn for the worst...Next thing I knew, Dave went and signed the first part of the papers to stop the adoption. I was furious that he was going to do this to his own child. He thought he was going to be such a great dad and that he would be raising her. But when it really came down to it, if I wasn't able to place the baby for adoption he'd never get custody. He would be a horrible father who only cared about himself and didn't have a job. He wouldn't have any way to take care of her. All he cared about was himself not me or the baby. But as much as I knew he wouldn't be able to get the baby, and I knew the adoption would go through, I was so scared because he would try and stop the adoption all together. I had to go back and try and figure out how to raise Amy on my own. How was I suppose to tell this wonderful family who just found out they were going to be getting a baby that they weren't going to get her.

Time went on and with some convincing Dave signed away his rights, thank goodness. Things were back on track. I couldn't believe how soon Amy would be here, I only had 3 weeks left. But at the same time it seemed so far away. The last couple of weeks were so hard having to deal with Dave. He always made threats that were so frustrating to me. It was a serious roller coaster ride. He actually threatened to burn LDS family services down. And said at one point that he would kill the adoption supervisor.

I told Dave I would let him know when I was going into labor. At the time I was ok with him being there when my daughter was born, I only thought it was fare. I went into labor, well false labor i guess, not really. I started getting contractions that were sporadic, they would be 5 to 10 min apart and then a hour later I would get one. I went into the hospital and let Dave know that I was heading there and that I would let him know what was going on. I went in and they said that I was at a 2 and to not come back until my contractions were 3 to 5 min apart. We went home and my mom made me walk on the treadmill. We all wanted to the baby to be out and pretty much to get just all this over with. I was SO ready to be not pregnant anymore.

I really have to try to remember what happened.... It was SO long ago and I was on pretty intense pain medicine....I was in labor for 3 days, have you ever tried to sleep at night with contractions?..... yeah not fun! I went to the hospital and they told me that I was at a 3 but to see if I was in active labor they had me walk around for a hour hoping that I would dilate more. My dad and I walked around the whole labor and delivery floor for a hour while I was in active labor having contractions and arguing with Dave over text message. I think that was one of the worst hours ever! After the hour went by they checked me and I was only at a 3 1/2 but they couldn't send me more because I was in active labor.... sorry BUT NO CRAP I WAS IN ACTIVE LABOR!!! Only problem was that since I was only at a 3 1/2 I could couldn't get the epidural. I had to wait until I was at a 4, that is the stupidest thing ever! My dad and i walked around for another hour. By this time we I had decided that I didn't want Dave to be there. I had a feeling it would only be worse. I did have the adoptive couple there, my parents and one of my moms dear friends, whom I love more then ever. Dave continued to bug me, wanting to come up. I was insistent that I didn't want him there. He called right in the middle of a contraction, so of course I didn't answer. Sorry but I am not going to and can't look at my tummy and say...Hey baby stop trying to come out Dave and his stupid mom are calling. Yeah doesn't work like that... Because I didn't answer all hell broke lose. We went back into the room to find out that Dave's step-father called just yelling at my mom saying that they had every right to see this baby and that they needed closure. He said that if they didn't see her they would go sign the papers, and blah blah blah. The called all night long. They finally checked me and I was at a 4! I was so excited because that meant I got the epidural :) yay! The nurse came back in a few minutes later and checked me again. When they first checked me she was head down and all ready to go. But when they came back in to break my water things had changed in a matter of 10 minutes. She had gone from perfect to breach. Next thing I know they were planning an emergency c-section and shoving papers in face. I had the epidural and some other medicine so I was already pretty out there. I didn't know what was going on, all I knew was that I need a fathers blessing right then and there.

Because Amy had turned so quickly it meant that they needed to get her out quickly. I understood that but I had to have a fathers blessing. For whatever reason someone kept saying "no we don't have time." I don't know who was saying no, but who ever it was, they can kiss my butt. Thankfully one of the nurses that was there said..."There is always time for a blessing". So my moms friends, bless her heart, stood out side the door and blocked anyone from coming in or out. It all went by fast. First I found out she was breach then the next thing I knew I was looking at the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. From the time I got the epidural to when she came out it took like 45 minutes.

I don't remember the rest of the night. I just remember waking up in the morning to a phone call from my mom. She was calling to tell me that she had gotten a call from Dave's mom saying that if they didn't see Amy they would go and sign the papers to stop the adoption. My mom said that was fine and to not sign the papers. She told them to go to the hospital at 8 am, it was like 7:30 when she called me. She told me not to let anyone in the room until she or my dad got there, but that I needed to inform the nurse what I had to change my name back to my real name. I was listed under and fake so they couldn't come up and try something. I didn't really know what was going on, I was so out there because of the medicine they had given me. I was trying really hard to pay attention but just couldn't. My mom and dad got there just in time to switch everything back to normal. The next thing I knew in walks Dave, his mom and step dad. I had a feeling things wouldn't go smoothly but I had no idea they would get so crazy.

When Dave came to the hospital with his family they wanted to spend a few minutes with just me. They wanted to make sure I really wanted to place Amy for adoption, and of course try their hardest to talk me out of it. I sat and listened to his mom crying while holding her. She turned to me and said "I can't believe you want to get rid of this angel" and then.... "Don't you think she needs to be with her parents?" To which I said "She is going to be with her parents". She didn't like that too much and said "I mean her real parents." I just shrugged it off. I really wasn't worth the time. Dave held her for about 10 minutes and then went out side and smoked. I truly can't believe that after dragging me through the dirt about everything and begging to see her he only held her for 10 freaking minutes! Dave told me he wanted to talk to me. With me on all sorts of medicine it wasn't exactly the time for a talk but I knew it had to happen. He turned to me and said "Do you still want to do this?" I looked him straight in the eye and said "I am on so many drugs and I still want to do this." He then asked me if I would feel the same with out the medicine. I thought for a minute and realized that my answer was simple. "Yes" It doesn't matter when it would have happened I knew that placing Amy for adoption was right. He said fine, and that was it. They left and I finally sighed with relief. I thought it was all over. I thought I was going to be able to place Amy for adoption and not worry about Dave getting in the way. I guess that's what I get for thinking.

Emi's Story Part 1

2010-09-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

Through the process of adoption I have met MANY great and wonderful people. Most of which I consider my dearest and closest friends. The following story is from one of those dear and close friends who's adoption story had many bumps along the way. I remember first meeting this lovely young woman and thinking... Oh dear she's up in the clouds... I've got to do something... That something ended up building a bond between us that truly can not be broken.

Because of safety reasons the names of all involved have been changed.

I met Dave, who I thought was the "love of my life", when I was in 7th grade, about age13. We started out as just friends and after a while began dating. I was so happy. In about 9th grade his mom and step dad decided to move a ways away. When I found out he was moving, I was sad. But if you knew me then you'd know that I got over guys really fast. So I wrote him a note (cuz we were in jr. high and that is how you broke up with everyone in jr. high) and said my good byes. We were still friends and stayed in contact, but I moved on, started dating other guys and having fun with life. But for some reason he was always in the back of my mind. We talked on the phone a lot and always talked about me going down to visit him and him coming up to see me. He came up sometimes but not nearly as many times as I went down to see him.

One day Dave called me and told me he was near where I live, I was so excited. Although I did have a boyfriend at the time. People always told me I was stupid to be with a guy like Dave, but for some reason, I thought he was different. He is different, just not in a good way that's for sure. When he called me telling me that he was in town, the conversation was rude on his end, as always. The first thing he said was "hey, I'm in town, want to have sex?" I was only 15 at the time, had a boyfriend and didn't feel well. When I told him all that he response was "so". I told him I wouldn't do that to my boyfriend but he came to my house anyway. We hung out and well I'm not exactly sure how things happened. All I know is we had sex. It was so weird, it wasn't all romantic like the movies show it, it wasn't really that great. And after I felt so bad that I had cheated on my boyfriend...well...kinda. At that point in my life I didn't care about anybody but myself and Dave.

We started to get more serious and started talking about marriage. Dave got me a ring, and we started planning, I was only 16. Things started going down hill from there....He wanted me to be in constant contact with him. If he called and I didn't answer I got yelled. I had to tell him when I was going to the rest room, and when I got in and out of the shower, he was being so controlling. I denied all of it. He was only doing it because he cared and because he loved me. I kept making up excuses on why he was treating me like crap and I was blaming myself. Every time I talked to him about it, it was always my fault. Things got so bad that I couldn't even talk to my family for that long. He always thought I was cheating on him, and would always check my phone. I didn't care much because I had nothing to hide. However if I would ask to see his phone, he wouldn't let me, or he would go and delete everything before handing it to me. It made me made but worst of all it hurt. I knew what he was doing. I knew he was cheating on me, but I pushed it aside because he said he loved me. I was going to marry this guy... he would never hurt me like that, so i thought.

So where are we, he is now controlling and mentally abusive, just to sum up what happened. I couldn't talk to anyone, and of course I couldn't have friends. I lost so many good friends because of him, And worst of all he was trying to take me away from my family. I still didn't care, it was just about us, well just about him. I was only his trophy. When girls would shut him down or would move on, he knew I would be there, that's what abusers do. By this point I was 17, and "loving" life oh so much. I had a good job and great guy, all of his controlling behaviors kept going on, but it was because he loved me, he was protective.

I am not like all the other girls who used all this protection and still got pregnant on their first time, it took me a long time, and we were not careful. I am surprised I don't have like 5 kids already. We had one pregnancy scare but got really excited. He really wanted to be a dad and I really wanted him to love me. I didn't really want a baby. I knew I was WAY too young. We found out I wasn't pregnant but Dave said that we just tell everyone I was, and when I was off my period then we would get pregnant. The plan was perfect. After one test run under water and one test that was negative my parents realized I wasn't pregnant.

Next thing I knew it was December, my mom had just had really bad back surgery and I knew I was pregnant but hadn't told anyone. I was debating on when I should tell my mom, hoping for good time. But you know when it comes to telling your parents your pregnant there really isn't a good time. I told my mom first because I knew she would go a little easier on me other then my dad. I got the courage, walked in and said "Mom....I don't remember the last time I had my period." I was pretty sure I was going to get yelled at from head to toe. But my wonderful mom sat there calmly and said, "uh oh, really? How long do you think its been?" I honestly had no idea, maybe a month in a half, maybe 2 months. Me, my mom and my sister all went to the store to get a test. It was the longest 3 minutes of my life. The test came up positive. I broke down I hugged my sister and just bawled my eyes out, I felt so bad, I thought my whole family was going to hate me.

I had my dad tell my mom because I was a mess. I remember walking into the kitchen and seeing my dads face. He wasn't mad, he wasn't crying, it didn't look like he was disappointed, I can't explain it. I think mostly hurt. When I saw his face I broke down even more, I gave him a huge hug and told him I was so sorry and that I loved him.

After the shock of me being pregnant died down, I went outside to call Dave and let him know I was pregnant. I think he subconsciously knew because he would say things about me being pregnant all the time. When I called him and told him "Well, I'm pregnant" he said "For sure this time?" I told him "yep". His response should have been the first red flag for me... "I'm going to be a dad!!!! It's time for a victory smoke! I'll call you later!" Instead of being with his pregnant girlfriend he was out smoking with a friend... this wasn't going to make one happy family. But again, I didn't care, I loved him, he loved me and I was going to make the best out of it.

My first doctor appointment was so scary. I knew I was too young for a child and wasn't at all ready. My mom, Dad, and Dave came with me. My mom and I went in for an ultra sound and my doctor said "yep your pregnant" Looking at screen and seeing my sweet baby was so beautiful! It ended up that I was actually 16 weeks along. I was almost half way done! I had no idea I was that far along. I was just getting out of my second trimester, it was crazy! After seeing my baby I got way excited. I was going to be a mom! This was my baby, no matter what. After the doctor appointment my mom and I walked into the waiting room and showed my dad and Dave the ultra sound picture. I thought he would get as excited as I did. He didn't. He didn't even know what he was looking at. All he did was say "cool". I was so embarrassed, why would he just say cool. But of course I let it go, just like I had let everything go.

The next thing I remember was meeting with my case worker, she was so sweet! (I LOVE YOU BY THE WAY!! if you were reading this, you know who you are). When I told her I was keeping the baby she surprisingly was supportive. She made sure I knew how hard and expensive it was going to be. We went through everything, From rent right down toilet paper, and everything in between. I couldn't believe how much everything would cost. Dave said he would help out but since he didn't have a job I didn't really see that ever happening. We talked about the stress of being a single teen mom. I still didn't care, I was going to single parent and everything is going to be awesome!

I continued to meet with my caseworker and she invited me to a support group. I didn't really understand it, I just thought I was going to go in and people were going to tell me to give my baby away and try to change me. I decided to give it a try. The first group I went to I was scared the whole time! I walked in and all I heard was yelling. I sat down and didn't listen at all. I was so scared and I didn't know why this girl was just yelling at another girl. It turned out that girl yelling was a birth mother who was very pro adoption and was letting me know how stupid I was being. Now that girl and I are best friends and I love her dearly, but oh man for a long time I hated her. I kept going to group and talking with a case worker but not really listening to a think anyone had to say until one group when Dave came. He was asked by a guest what he thought of the situation and his response was, "I wanna keep the kid." I think it finally hit me that he wasn't at all ready to be a father.

special note from Katelyn... Yes I am that girl that yelled at her. I wanted her to see how selfish she was being. After talking with Emi many times we both realized that had I not yelled she may never have changed her mind. The guest that was there was my brother Daniel and his wife Mary who knew what it was like to deal with pregnancy out of marriage.

Dave kept treating me like crap, he became even more mean than before. I finally reached my breaking point. I couldn't handle it anymore. My family told me he was never going to change and that they truly believed adoption would be best for Amy (the baby). My dad and I were driving some where and I asked him if he really thought adoption was best. I had never seen my dad cry but when I asked him that he started to tear up. He said "As much as it hurts, yes I do think it's best." I was heart broken. Why did my whole family think I should give my baby away to some one else. I went through the pros and cons of everything and I couldn't deny that adoption seemed to be right. I tried to ignore it for a long time. When I finally decided to place Amy for adoption, it was just a huge relief. For the first time in a long time I felt free, well kinda.

The day I decided I was going to place was a very stressful and scary day. I went down to Dave's house for a family reunion. Now just a little back round on the birth father... besides being a complete jerk, he also smoked, NEVER showered, never! Never did laundry, and never even brushed his teeth! This boy was so gross and so smelly it was so nasty. A huge fight started while I was at his parents house and to make a long story short after threatening to hit people he left and later called me and told me he had just signed up for the army. I knew he was lying, but just said ok, that was dumb. That was finally what made me decide that my baby needed a good family not the crap that she would have to live through with Dave. I decided it was time I tell my parents.

When I went told my parents, they were so happy but at the same time sad. They saw a new me. They saw that huge weight lifted off of me and could see that I was happy. Dave on the other hand was not happy so very confused. I told him the reason was because Amy didn't deserve the kind of life I knew she would live if I parented. He didn't understand why I was going to place the baby for adoption. I made it clear she needed a better life. For the first time in a long time I wasn't thinking about myself or about Dave. I was thinking thinking about my daughter, for some one else.

I went in to talk with my case worker a few days later. I couldn't wait to tell her the news. She was so happy for me, but knew that time was limited (I only had like 6 or 7 weeks left) and that we needed to get down to business. She kept asking what I wanted in a couple. I'd never put much thought into it because I was going to keep the baby. The only thing I knew was this baby was going to be a with different family and they needed to have blond hair. I knew my daughter was going to have blond hair. As I went threw profiles I didn't really know what I wanted, but i kept looking. After a while I found such a cute couple, all of them were blond which was great because the baby would fit right in. They seemed perfect. I told Dave and at the time he was agreeing with the adoption. It didn't last for long though. He changed his mind so many times. He said that the only way I could place was if he picked the family. His mom had really good family friend who knew a couple that couldn't have babies and were on the adoption list. I told him that I would look at the couple and see what felt right. I asked my case worker if she could pull up their profile. I just got a great feeling from them. I read their profile and they were so funny. The mom was creative and loving and so pretty, and the dad was so funny, they had a little girl that they adopted who was just gorgeous! I wanted to know what my family thought...they loved them to! It was so hard because I had already found a couple. When I had to make a final decision I ended up picking the family that Dave had picked. I hate to admit that he helped pick them, but he did, kinda.

Coming full circle

2010-09-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

So after finding out that I may never be able to have kids of my own I realized something (it took me a while to realize this). Something that gave me a WHOLE new perspective on things. Something that made me quit stressing about getting/staying pregnant. I realized that maybe I was put on this earth to let other people know the true benefits of adoption. Maybe I am not able to have more children so that I can more fully experience how wonderful adoption is. Maybe I need to teach other people what it feels like when you love so much you do something for someone else instead of for yourself. I realized that it didn't matter if I would ever carry another child in my womb but that I would forever be a mother. With time I quit counting the days 'til mother nature would come knocking. With time I quit counting the days 'til I was prime to cook. And in that time I was prepared for the trials that would be ahead of me.

In late July I realized that "mother nature" hadn't come knocking for a while. I knew I was pregnant but wasn't about to get excited about it. I immediately took a test(well actually 2)....

Positive. I didn't allow my self to get to excited. I had experienced 2 other positive pregnancy tests that resulted in miscarriages. I immediately made an appointment with my dr. I didn't know how far along I was because "mother nature" with me hadn't been normal lately.

I held my breath the entire ultra sound. Yes I was pregnant but had it implanted correctly. Would it be a viable pregnancy. With my husband in Texas at the time all these feelings were VERY overwhelming! The doctor told me he'd check with another doctor in the office and let me know if everything would be ok. Less than ten minutes later my doctor came back in the room and let me know that while it was still very early everything looked good. The embryo had implanted in a good place and seemed to be viable. But the key in the situation was time and caution. The doctor told me no lifting more than a milk gallon, limit my exercise, and rest as much as possible.

Going back 2 weeks later they did another ultra sound. The baby was growing and looking great. I was sick as sick could be, which was a good sign. The doctor kept me on lifting restrictions and told me that if I could make it to 15 weeks I would be able to carry full term. I am 14 weeks now! I can't believe that in a matter of months I could possibly be sitting in a hospital room, this time holding a baby that without a doubt I will be walking out of the hospital with. I can't believe it and yet at the same time I can't wait for it. I do fear however that if I have a girl I will start re-living the moment of placement (since I will be delivering at the same hospital and everything) and have an emotional break down. But I keep my faith, I know that the Lord will make me strong and I carry on.

Doubt... 3rd birthday

2010-09-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

May 10, 2010 was a very hard day for me. A day that I wasn't expecting to be hard. I cried most of the day. This day 3 years ago my baby was born. She was my joy for so long. She was what I lived for, what I improved my life for. I woke up the morning and was sad. Throughout the day I got more and more sad. It didn't make sense to my husband why I was so sad. But there were things going on in my life that I didn't expect, things that I didn't want to happen.

After a miscarriage in December of 2009 I went to see my doctor to make sure everything was ok. They did an ultra sound and found out a couple things. Things that honestly didn't make sense. After a huge description that I didn't exactly understand he told me some DREADFUL news. He said, "Katelyn I have to tell you that your percentage of carrying another pregnancy full term is about 5%. You'll be able to get pregnant but I don't know how long you'll be able to carry the baby."

After leaving the doctor it hit me.... I may not ever have another chance to have a baby. I could possibly have given away my one chance at having a baby! Why would this happen to me? Why would god have me go through with the adoption only to later find out that I wouldn't be able to have my own children. Only later to find out that I would be in the same situation as many adoptive couples. Wanting desperately to have a baby but knowing that it wasn't possible! It wasn't fair!

Ally's third birthday was the first day in YEARS that I truly and honestly felt regret over the decision that I made. I didn't want to feel that way, I didn't know why I was feeling that way. I prayed and prayed and finally realized that I needed to talk to Lori and Barton about things. I had emailed Lori previously and told her that I was struggling with things. She sent me pictures and let me know that they were always there to talk if I wanted to.

That night I called their home in hopes that I could talk with Ally. After talking with Barton about what they had done that day he asked... "Would you like to talk to Ally?" I'm so glad they know what to say when I need it most. The talk with Ally was perfect, just what I needed.

And then... when I later got this picture sent to me. I knew... My daughter was where she was suppose to be. I knew that if I wasn't able to ever carry another child that I had done what was best for the one that I had. I knew that I would be a mother and that everything would work out.

Sealings

2010-09-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

There were days along the process that made everything worth it. Those days include Dec 1, 2007... The day Ally was sealed to her parents FOREVER!
The other day was Sept 4, 2010... The day Cayden was sealed to me and Daniel FOREVER!
One of the biggest blessing that have come into my life through adoption is Lori and Barton. The joys they have brought to my life are simply indescribable. Lori is truly like a sister to me, and a daughter to my mother. Having them in the sealing room was such a touching and moving experience. I can't begin to explain how wonderful it was seeing Ally become part of her family forever and then being able to have my son with me forever. It warms my heart, fills my soul, and brings a smile to my face!

Step-Parent Adoption

2010-09-20T14:18:00.000-07:00

So in the state of Utah a step parent adoption is a different process than a regular "from birth" adoption. The step parent must live with the child for one year with the biological parent as well. There can't be a period of separation for more than 4 weeks. The birth mother (in our situation) or birth father must relinquish their rights and also CONSENT to the adoption (That's the trickiest part of all). After talking to Cayden's birth mother for a while about things she was reassured that we would still continue to have contact with her and that she would be able to see Cayden grow up. When the time came for the finalization hearing I can't begin to tell you how completely and utterly nervous I was. There had been a few occasions where Cayden's birth mother said she wasn't ok with the adoption happening and she was going to find a way to stop it. I prayed so hard for months that she would be filled with peace, and that she would know that what she had done for her son was the right thing.

Of course when it came time for the hearing I was running a few minutes late that morning.... ya classic Katelyn. Our attorney actually called to make sure we would be there.... HA! Wouldn't miss it for the world. Everything went smoothly. Cayden sat and colored with my father while we talked with the Judge. As honestly as soon as the Judge signed those papers my heart was immediatly lighter. I felt like I had been carrying around a 50 pound weight everywhere that I went. My heart was jumping for joy. this little boy that I had dreamed about for years was truly, actually, and utterly MINE! I couldn't believe it!

And then I thought of the finalization hearing that I attended when my daughter's adoption was being finalized. Did her family have similar feelings? Did they worry that I would do something to jepardize what they had worked so hard to build? And then I thought back to when I sat in that court room and watched as Ally's parents were asked if they loved her, asked if they would do anything for her, asked if they were willing to take her on as their own. I can't begin to explain the feelings of peace and calm that filled me that day when I knew that without a doubt my daughter was where she needed to be. She was with her family. I had done the right thing and allowed God's plan to work through me.

At Cayden's finalization

At Ally's finalization

I'll love you forever....

2010-09-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

About 6 weeks after I had Ally I had a dream, a dream that made me wonder so many things. In my dream I was sitting in a chair holding the most beautiful baby boy. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling. I kept singing songs and kissing the baby's face. Right before my dream ended I said "As long as your living my baby you'll be." I woke up stunned.

It didn't make sense that I would be holding a baby boy. I had just placed a baby girl for adoption, that would have made so much more sense had my dream been about a baby girl. I went back to sleep but didn't sleep well at all. The next day I couldn't stop thinking about the baby in my dream. Where was he, who was he, why did I need to be his mommy? So many questions and NO answers! For the next three weeks I had the same dream every single night. I realized that for whatever reason there was a little boy that needed me to be his mommy.

I didn't know why but I knew I would, with time, become his mommy. My life went down a different path than I thought it would and I soon forgot about the baby boy in my dreams. Through hard times in life however Heavenly Father kept reminding me with dreams of the same beautiful baby boy.

Right after I moving back home in October of 2008 I had my baby dream for five weeks, every single night. I knew in my heart something had happened and that baby boy needed me to be his Mommy. I cried so many nights because I had no control over the situation. I didn't know where the baby boy was or how to find him.

In January of 2009 I had the same dream again for 2 weeks straight. I knew without a doubt that soon I would find my baby boy and I would be his mommy. In April of 2009 I found my baby boy!!! I met his daddy, on a dating website, and we hit it off. Within days I met Cayden and when I saw him for the first time I just about screamed with joy. I had found my baby boy. Every single time I looked at him I knew.... "As long as your living my baby you'll be."

Cayden soon became attached to me and started calling me mommy. Although Daniel and I tried desperately to get him to call me KK or something other than Mommy he wouldn't. In my heart I knew why. He is my dream baby.

I remember seeing baby pictures of Cayden and my heart skipping a beat here and there. The baby in my dreams was, without a doubt him. I had held him and rocked him in my dreams so many times. I knew he was there, somewhere, but didn't know how to find him.

I can't begin to explain the immediate love the filled my heart. I know that Heavenly Father prepared me to be Cayden's mommy. I can't imagine my life without him! I am SO very blessed to be able to be his mommy!

Through months of arguments and a hostile environment at the place where Cayden's birth mother was living I finally realized why I needed to be a mother to Cayden. It broke my heart to know that there were times when Cayden wasn't safe. I hated being in out house without him on the weekends and hated even more the adjustment days after he would come home. I wanted my baby to be safe and loved all the time. Through many conversations with Cayden's birth mother we realized that things weren't going to change. It then became a matter of prayer and fasting. I offered my heart up to the Lord many times begging him to allow my child to always be safe.

We decided that it would be the right thing for us if his birth mother would allow me to adopt Cayden. At first she wasn't willing to even talk about it. But after a few months of seeing how happy he was in our home and seeing how much he loved me as his mother she signed the papers. I am and always will be grateful for the sacrifice Cayden's birth mother made for me. I wish her the best in everything that she does and I know the love that she does have for Cayden.

When I first found out I was pregnant with Ally there was no way I would have thought that I would become an adoptive mother. The day I placed Ally I never would have dreamed that my son, who is just 3 weeks older than Ally, would be already in the world waiting for me. I truly am blessed to be Ally's birth mother and Cayden's Mommy.

And so to both of my babies... Please Always remember....

"I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as your living my baby you'll be."

This is the Little face I would see in my dreams. Holding this little boy, rocking him back and forth, singing him songs.