It gets different

I was told just months after I placed Ally for adoption "It will get better, just give it some time."  I am here to say.  It doesn't get better, it gets different.  

It's been just over a year since I last posted on this blog.  Crazy I know.  I've had a lot of time to develop and change and evolve as a birth mother.  I have had time to worry, question, doubt, and understand many things about the process I have been through that I didn't think I needed to figure out.  

Over the last few years my adoption has changed.  Some days I'm ok with the change, other days I'm not.  Ally is now 1 of 6 children.  I LOVE the fact that she has a big family.  I love that she has brother to tease her, help her and love her.  I also love that she has a sister to love on, share funny stories, play dress up, and be best friends with.  I love everything about their family and the amazing life that she has with them. 

That being said, I am struggling with the amount of contact that we have.  I feel like in the mist of all their adoptions, kids, life, and crazy schedules I've been lost.  Do I blame them, nope.  Does it suck and hurt, yep.  I've tried to make more of an effort to connect but then at the same time worry that I'm being a burden, causing conflict, and in the end will result in less contact.  

It's something that I have battled in myself for the last year or so.  I have tried to figure out how to create more of a relationship without creating strain.  I have asked if it would be easier if I just be included in regular activities like dance recitals and soccer games.  I've asked what I can do to make our open adoption easier and I've come up short.

Over the last few years I have realized how true this statement is.  I have come to accept that my adoption is not always going to be perfect.  I have come to accept that change is hard and is always going to happen.  I have come to accept that while I love Ally's family with all my heart I am not 100% happy in how my adoption is right now.  The grief that comes along with adoption can so intricately be connected to the people and children that we love.  It can be connected with the child you place, the parents you place the child with and the loved ones that supported you through your journey to placement.

He's 2!

WARNING... you are about to look at incredibly cute and rather stunning pictures.  Be prepared to say awww....

What did I tell you, cute right!?  Jaxson is 2.  And to be honest part of me feels like it's dying.  for the longest time I felt like god had given me a gift by having Jaxson be a boy instead of a girl like I had prayed for (read about that here).  It truly has healed my soul in ways that I never thought possible.  I can not tell you the times that I have cried myself to sleep thinking of all the things that I missed out on with Cayden (this was before jaxson was born).  There were nights where I was angry that I got cheated out of his first 2 years.  Nights where I was devestated that I wasn't there every day for Ally's first 2 years.  I mean literally it got under my skin and festered until I didn't think I could ever get over it.

I read a post recently about how we need to share our struggles with those who understand how we are feelings.  Birth mothers share what they are going through with birth mothers, adoptive mothers with adoptive mothers and so on.  The only problem is that I have yet to find someone that gets how I feel.  I have yet to find a birth mother who became an adoptive mother who struggled with secondary fertility issues.  That's a mouth full now isn't it.  So here is my question... Have you?!  Please share!  I'd like to meet someone who understands the fears, worries, struggles, and pain that I do on a daily basis.

You couldn't do it....

Dear Dax Shepard.... You couldn't do it even if you wanted to.  

That is what I wish I could scream at his face.  I wish I could show him that what he says is stupid and wrong.

In a recent story (read here) Dax Shepard made the stupid comment of

"We're giving the child up for adoption". 

 He and Kristen Bell are expecting.  When I read this I wanted to hurl, well that and hurl a brick at his head.  I can not tell you how many times someone has said to me "I don't know how you did it" or " I could never give my baby up for adoption".  To them I have just a few words....

I did not take the easy way out.  I fought, hard, for what I knew was right for my daughter and for what I knew was right for me.  I forced myself to have the strength I needed to in order to do what I did.  So to you who think... "I could never do that."  YOU ARE RIGHT!  You couldn't because you don't have the strength to "hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart."

Placement

Friends

When I found out I was pregnant my friends ran.  I had NONE!  I was alone and honestly fine with it at the time.  I didn't want to deal with what other people had to say to me.  Then I went to a birth mother support group and found the most amazing group of friends.  Friends that know what I felt, could tell me how to get through this and friends that through thick and thin have stuck by my side.

I have never been able to find better friends.  Although as time as gone on we don't communicate every day I love them each so much more as time goes on.

Rachel, Kim, Katie, Mindi, Jamie, Michelle, Shannon, and Faf,
You will NEVER be replaced.  You will always be my go to people, and you will always be like sisters to me!  Noone knows me better than you.  Noone ever will.

Love you girls!

Spotlight... Josh and Terra

I want  you all to meet some AMAZING people! 

 Josh, Terra, Caleb and Corbin Cooper

I met Terra almost a year ago.  She was the amazing photographer for my brother and sister-in-law.  You can view her photograph website HERE.  I'm super excited for this spot light.  You know when you spend time with someone and have no idea adoption has touched their life and then down the road a few months find out it has.  It's such an amazing feeling having that type of bond with people.  I had no idea Terra was a HAP (Hopeful Adoptive Parent) while she was doing my brothers engagements, birdal/groomals, and wedding.  I found out a few months later and was so touched.  Terra has such a great personality.  She was so fun to get to know.  Here is a their Q&A.

Q: Tell a little about yourselves (your names, age, where you live, when adoption first touched your
lives, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing with my readers).
A: Josh is 35, a 3D graphics designer and loves being a dad. He also loves going camping, playing video games, cooking (he is always coming up with new recipes), playing sports, and building/creating things.
Terra is 32, a professional photographer, and loves being a mom. She also loves having friends over to play games, go carts, laser tag, playing hide and seek with her boys (she is the best hider in the house ;D) and designing.
Caleb is 7, loves building things with Legos, playing superheroes and playing with (teasing) his little brother. He is very artistic and loves to draw, is great at math and is very social-everyday he asks me which friend he can play with.

Corbin is 3 (almost 4), loves Batman, Ninjago and his "bruder". He loves playing on my iPad or phone-especially Angry Birds, playing with friends, jumping on the trampoline and reading books. He is a Papa's boy and loves to snuggle (which mommy loves!)

We live in Utah, along with almost all of our family. It is nice to have everyone so close. We have seen many of our friends adopt and can see how it has blessed their lives.


Q: Tell a little bit about your journey towards adoption.
A: We have always known we would adopt some day. Adoption is such an amazing process and we are so blessed to be able to participate in it. Our adoption journey began almost ten years ago when I was told that I would most likely not be able to have biological kids, and if I did, it would be hard to carry them. Although the first part of that wasn't true, the last part was. Short version includes a miscarriage, followed by a baby born 10 weeks early (Caleb-3 lbs 3oz), a baby that I was in labor with/bedrest/hospital stays for 10 weeks (Corbin-5 lbs 14 oz) and now know that this is the right time to adopt and are so excited to see what happens! We also are hoping for an open relationship with our birth family that will be best for everyone involved.
Our child will always know how much their birth parents loved her and their sacrifice will never be forgotten in our home. We are so thankful for the opportunity we have to complete our family through adoption. We will be forever thankful to our birthparents.


Q: What do you feel has been the biggest obstacle for you while hoping to adopt?
A: I think it is learning patience and not being able to control your situation. I like to have control over things in my life, and have learned that this will not be one of them. Having said that I think there are more obstacles to come and we are ready (we hope!) for the roller coaster ride!!


Q: How did your families react when you decided to adopt?
A: We have been talking about doing it for years, so it wasn't a shock to them. They are excited to add another member to our family.


Q: What is the most nerve wracking thing about waiting to hear from a birth mother?
A: It is so nerve wracking! We have had one birth mother contact us and you worry about every word you write, try not to be over anxious-which is hard- and check your email FAR too many times in a day. Getting an email is like Christmas!


Q: Have you ever had a face-to-face meeting with a birth mother?
If yes what were your feelings in preparing for it and after meeting the birth mother?
A: No, just email.


Q: What advice to do you have for couples you are preparing to adopt?
A: Showcase your family as they really are and don't try to be someone you are not. Your birth family will be attracted to something about YOU that makes you unique. Try not to get overwhelmed with looking at everyone else's profiles and comparing yourself to them.


Q: What advice do you have for couples that are starting the process of adoption (filling out the
paper work type stuff)?
A: Give yourself a realistic timeline for completing your profile/paperwork/home study etc. Once it is done, try to live your life normally, have fun and try not to let it consume you.


Q: What would you say to women who are pregnant and considering their options?
A: We would say that you are the only one who can make the best decision for your baby, whether it is to parent or to place for adoption. Spend a lot of time on your knees asking God for help in answering your questions. We also would say to get support, whether it is from family, friends or a counselor. There are many free services for mothers and sometimes the best person to talk to is someone that is not close to the situation.

You can view Terra and Josh's Adoption blog HERE.

You can also see their adoption profile HERE

AND... for your viewing pleasure here is their video.  Seriously it's pretty awesome!