Coming full circle

So after finding out that I may never be able to have kids of my own I realized something (it took me a while to realize this). Something that gave me a WHOLE new perspective on things. Something that made me quit stressing about getting/staying pregnant. I realized that maybe I was put on this earth to let other people know the true benefits of adoption. Maybe I am not able to have more children so that I can more fully experience how wonderful adoption is. Maybe I need to teach other people what it feels like when you love so much you do something for someone else instead of for yourself. I realized that it didn't matter if I would ever carry another child in my womb but that I would forever be a mother. With time I quit counting the days 'til mother nature would come knocking. With time I quit counting the days 'til I was prime to cook. And in that time I was prepared for the trials that would be ahead of me.

In late July I realized that "mother nature" hadn't come knocking for a while. I knew I was pregnant but wasn't about to get excited about it. I immediately took a test(well actually 2)....

Positive. I didn't allow my self to get to excited. I had experienced 2 other positive pregnancy tests that resulted in miscarriages. I immediately made an appointment with my dr. I didn't know how far along I was because "mother nature" with me hadn't been normal lately.

I held my breath the entire ultra sound. Yes I was pregnant but had it implanted correctly. Would it be a viable pregnancy. With my husband in Texas at the time all these feelings were VERY overwhelming! The doctor told me he'd check with another doctor in the office and let me know if everything would be ok. Less than ten minutes later my doctor came back in the room and let me know that while it was still very early everything looked good. The embryo had implanted in a good place and seemed to be viable. But the key in the situation was time and caution. The doctor told me no lifting more than a milk gallon, limit my exercise, and rest as much as possible.

Going back 2 weeks later they did another ultra sound. The baby was growing and looking great. I was sick as sick could be, which was a good sign. The doctor kept me on lifting restrictions and told me that if I could make it to 15 weeks I would be able to carry full term. I am 14 weeks now! I can't believe that in a matter of months I could possibly be sitting in a hospital room, this time holding a baby that without a doubt I will be walking out of the hospital with. I can't believe it and yet at the same time I can't wait for it. I do fear however that if I have a girl I will start re-living the moment of placement (since I will be delivering at the same hospital and everything) and have an emotional break down. But I keep my faith, I know that the Lord will make me strong and I carry on.

Doubt... 3rd birthday

May 10, 2010 was a very hard day for me. A day that I wasn't expecting to be hard. I cried most of the day. This day 3 years ago my baby was born. She was my joy for so long. She was what I lived for, what I improved my life for. I woke up the morning and was sad. Throughout the day I got more and more sad. It didn't make sense to my husband why I was so sad. But there were things going on in my life that I didn't expect, things that I didn't want to happen.

After a miscarriage in December of 2009 I went to see my doctor to make sure everything was ok. They did an ultra sound and found out a couple things. Things that honestly didn't make sense. After a huge description that I didn't exactly understand he told me some DREADFUL news. He said, "Katelyn I have to tell you that your percentage of carrying another pregnancy full term is about 5%. You'll be able to get pregnant but I don't know how long you'll be able to carry the baby."

After leaving the doctor it hit me.... I may not ever have another chance to have a baby. I could possibly have given away my one chance at having a baby! Why would this happen to me? Why would god have me go through with the adoption only to later find out that I wouldn't be able to have my own children. Only later to find out that I would be in the same situation as many adoptive couples. Wanting desperately to have a baby but knowing that it wasn't possible! It wasn't fair!

Ally's third birthday was the first day in YEARS that I truly and honestly felt regret over the decision that I made. I didn't want to feel that way, I didn't know why I was feeling that way. I prayed and prayed and finally realized that I needed to talk to Lori and Barton about things. I had emailed Lori previously and told her that I was struggling with things. She sent me pictures and let me know that they were always there to talk if I wanted to.

That night I called their home in hopes that I could talk with Ally. After talking with Barton about what they had done that day he asked... "Would you like to talk to Ally?" I'm so glad they know what to say when I need it most. The talk with Ally was perfect, just what I needed.

And then... when I later got this picture sent to me. I knew... My daughter was where she was suppose to be. I knew that if I wasn't able to ever carry another child that I had done what was best for the one that I had. I knew that I would be a mother and that everything would work out.

Sealings

There were days along the process that made everything worth it. Those days include Dec 1, 2007... The day Ally was sealed to her parents FOREVER!
The other day was Sept 4, 2010... The day Cayden was sealed to me and Daniel FOREVER!
One of the biggest blessing that have come into my life through adoption is Lori and Barton. The joys they have brought to my life are simply indescribable. Lori is truly like a sister to me, and a daughter to my mother. Having them in the sealing room was such a touching and moving experience. I can't begin to explain how wonderful it was seeing Ally become part of her family forever and then being able to have my son with me forever. It warms my heart, fills my soul, and brings a smile to my face!

Step-Parent Adoption

So in the state of Utah a step parent adoption is a different process than a regular "from birth" adoption. The step parent must live with the child for one year with the biological parent as well. There can't be a period of separation for more than 4 weeks. The birth mother (in our situation) or birth father must relinquish their rights and also CONSENT to the adoption (That's the trickiest part of all). After talking to Cayden's birth mother for a while about things she was reassured that we would still continue to have contact with her and that she would be able to see Cayden grow up. When the time came for the finalization hearing I can't begin to tell you how completely and utterly nervous I was. There had been a few occasions where Cayden's birth mother said she wasn't ok with the adoption happening and she was going to find a way to stop it. I prayed so hard for months that she would be filled with peace, and that she would know that what she had done for her son was the right thing.


Of course when it came time for the hearing I was running a few minutes late that morning.... ya classic Katelyn. Our attorney actually called to make sure we would be there.... HA! Wouldn't miss it for the world. Everything went smoothly. Cayden sat and colored with my father while we talked with the Judge. As honestly as soon as the Judge signed those papers my heart was immediatly lighter. I felt like I had been carrying around a 50 pound weight everywhere that I went. My heart was jumping for joy. this little boy that I had dreamed about for years was truly, actually, and utterly MINE! I couldn't believe it!

And then I thought of the finalization hearing that I attended when my daughter's adoption was being finalized. Did her family have similar feelings? Did they worry that I would do something to jepardize what they had worked so hard to build? And then I thought back to when I sat in that court room and watched as Ally's parents were asked if they loved her, asked if they would do anything for her, asked if they were willing to take her on as their own. I can't begin to explain the feelings of peace and calm that filled me that day when I knew that without a doubt my daughter was where she needed to be. She was with her family. I had done the right thing and allowed God's plan to work through me.

At Cayden's finalization

At Ally's finalization

I'll love you forever....

About 6 weeks after I had Ally I had a dream, a dream that made me wonder so many things. In my dream I was sitting in a chair holding the most beautiful baby boy. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling. I kept singing songs and kissing the baby's face. Right before my dream ended I said "As long as your living my baby you'll be." I woke up stunned.

It didn't make sense that I would be holding a baby boy. I had just placed a baby girl for adoption, that would have made so much more sense had my dream been about a baby girl. I went back to sleep but didn't sleep well at all. The next day I couldn't stop thinking about the baby in my dream. Where was he, who was he, why did I need to be his mommy? So many questions and NO answers! For the next three weeks I had the same dream every single night. I realized that for whatever reason there was a little boy that needed me to be his mommy.

I didn't know why but I knew I would, with time, become his mommy. My life went down a different path than I thought it would and I soon forgot about the baby boy in my dreams. Through hard times in life however Heavenly Father kept reminding me with dreams of the same beautiful baby boy.

Right after I moving back home in October of 2008 I had my baby dream for five weeks, every single night. I knew in my heart something had happened and that baby boy needed me to be his Mommy. I cried so many nights because I had no control over the situation. I didn't know where the baby boy was or how to find him.

In January of 2009 I had the same dream again for 2 weeks straight. I knew without a doubt that soon I would find my baby boy and I would be his mommy. In April of 2009 I found my baby boy!!! I met his daddy, on a dating website, and we hit it off. Within days I met Cayden and when I saw him for the first time I just about screamed with joy. I had found my baby boy. Every single time I looked at him I knew.... "As long as your living my baby you'll be."

Cayden soon became attached to me and started calling me mommy. Although Daniel and I tried desperately to get him to call me KK or something other than Mommy he wouldn't. In my heart I knew why. He is my dream baby.

I remember seeing baby pictures of Cayden and my heart skipping a beat here and there. The baby in my dreams was, without a doubt him. I had held him and rocked him in my dreams so many times. I knew he was there, somewhere, but didn't know how to find him.

I can't begin to explain the immediate love the filled my heart. I know that Heavenly Father prepared me to be Cayden's mommy. I can't imagine my life without him! I am SO very blessed to be able to be his mommy!

Through months of arguments and a hostile environment at the place where Cayden's birth mother was living I finally realized why I needed to be a mother to Cayden. It broke my heart to know that there were times when Cayden wasn't safe. I hated being in out house without him on the weekends and hated even more the adjustment days after he would come home. I wanted my baby to be safe and loved all the time. Through many conversations with Cayden's birth mother we realized that things weren't going to change. It then became a matter of prayer and fasting. I offered my heart up to the Lord many times begging him to allow my child to always be safe.

We decided that it would be the right thing for us if his birth mother would allow me to adopt Cayden. At first she wasn't willing to even talk about it. But after a few months of seeing how happy he was in our home and seeing how much he loved me as his mother she signed the papers. I am and always will be grateful for the sacrifice Cayden's birth mother made for me. I wish her the best in everything that she does and I know the love that she does have for Cayden.

When I first found out I was pregnant with Ally there was no way I would have thought that I would become an adoptive mother. The day I placed Ally I never would have dreamed that my son, who is just 3 weeks older than Ally, would be already in the world waiting for me. I truly am blessed to be Ally's birth mother and Cayden's Mommy.

And so to both of my babies... Please Always remember....

"I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as your living my baby you'll be."

This is the Little face I would see in my dreams. Holding this little boy, rocking him back and forth, singing him songs.

A mother's dream

If there is any reason as to why a birth mother and adoptive mother form such a powerful bond the following "dream" will clearly explain it!

From an Adoptive Mother

Days after marrying the love of my life I had a "dream" that forever changed my life. I was dressed all in white standing in front of hundreeds of thousands of people. As I turned I faced my heavenly father and savior Jesus Christ standing in front of me. At that moment I was told that my greatest challenge in life would be that I would never be able to bear children of my own.

I fell to my knees and wept. I pleaded for any other challenge. I begged my Savior to be a mother to just one child. It had been my life long goal and dream to be a mother.

As I knelt in front of my Savior I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to look into the face of a young woman. She lifted me to my feet and then with tears falling down her cheeks she turned to my Savior and Heavenly Father and said, "Tell her to be at peace. I will have one for her." I turned to her in dismay, why would she do this for me? Who was she? How could this be true?

I then felt another hand on my shoulder and turned to see another young woman. She smiled at me and then again, turned to my Savior and Heavenly father and told them, "Tell her to be at peace. I will have one for her." My heart started to fill with joy. Would these young women truly be willing to make such a sacrifice as one as me? Could it be true?

Then in turn two other young woman put their arm on my shoulder and tearfully turned to my Savior and Heavenly Father and said "Tell her to be at peace. I will have one for her." My heart was so full. I didn't understand the love that I was feeling for these young woman.

I turned to my Savior and he instructed me to always be mindful of these young woman. To pray for them daily, and to always be grateful for the gift that they were giving me.

From that moment on I never doubted that I would adopt all 4 of my children. From that moment on I never doubted the love that I would feel for all 4 of our birth mothers. And to them I say, Thank you! Thank you for being willing to lift me in a time of need. Thank you for being willing to give me something I have no way of repaying you for. Thank you for my children!

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After hearing this I never doubted that my child was meant to be with her family. After hearing this I truly understood the love that is between me and Lori. After hearing this I am grateful for the chance to bless anothers life. But in the following weeks after Ally's placement I would have a similiar dream. A dream that I wouldn't understand but a dream that I would cherish forever!

Brandon seeing Ally

After I learned that Lori and Barton were ok with Brandon seeing Ally I kinda freaked out. Ok that's an understatement. My real feelings were that I was being undermined. I had done what was best for my child, and that was keeping Brandon out of her life, and yet in the end everything I did was for not. I felt like my feelings on the situation didn't matter. I was furious with Kevin for even considering it and furious with Lori and Barton for wanting to meet him. In reality they didn't know much about him, because I didn't know much about him, and wanted to know more. I didn't see Brandon opening up to them because of his feelings toward them. I was angry that he would go behind my back to get to the couple.

I emailed Lori and let her know that I was VERY concerned about the whole situation. She emailed me back and let me know that she too was very concerned about it. But that she thought they needed to give him a chance. I tried to tell her how many chances I gave him but I felt like it fell on deaf ears. She emailed me back and said that she had prayed about everything and felt like Brandon wouldn't leave them alone unless they did this.

I wanted to be there, not in the room, but in the agency when he was there. Kevin however didn't think that was a good idea so I once again took matters into my own hands. I decided that I would wait outside the agency and make sure that he didn't get away with my baby (that was my big concern... he'd threatened me a couple different times that if he ever saw Ally he'd take her). I knew the day that Brandon would be there but had to be tricky to find out what time. I showed up ten minutes early and watched Brandon pull up on his brand new Harley (yes since he was such a responsible adult he decided to buy a Harley).

I was furious the entire time. I didn't want him to hold my child. I didn't want him to feel like he was at all apart of the decision that I had made. When he was in there I was SO tempted to walk over to his Harley and just "happen" to knock it over... HAHAHAHA!!!! But of course I didn't. I knew that would just look bad and I wanted to be rid of him. I wanted him out of my life and out of the adoptive couples life.

I don't know what was said during the time he was in there. Lori took a few pictures (oh which I scrapbooked for her but felt like burning the whole time) of him holding Ally. I thought of how amazing Lori and Barton are. They are truly AMAZING!!!

Visits

I had my first visit with Ally on May 23, just over a week after I placed. We had originally planned that the first visit would be some time in June but I was going through withdraws. Not baby withdraws but family withdraws. Lori, Barton, Spencer, and Brady had become my life for so many months that not seeing them was killer. They were everything to me, they were basically family. I use to get phone calls once a day but after placement I didn't (out of respect for me of course) and I found it much harder to deal with placement. I can't imagine having a completely closed adoption! I called Lori and asked her if I could come spend time with their family, that was the key, I wasn't wanting to just spend time with Ally but spend time with their family as a whole. They are such great and amazing people it's hard not to love them!
The time that I spent with their family that night was SO healing! It was great to not only be able to see that Ally was happy and healthy but to see how much her brothers, mother, and father loved her. I talked with Lori and we decided that from now on we'd let me do the reaching out. Lori felt like she didn't want to over step on anything and if I was doing too much Lori knew the relationship we had and she would feel comfortable saying something. A few weeks later I called Lori and asked if we could get together again. It worked out that we met at Layton Park so the boys could play.
The visits continued at the park until it got to cold for Ally. A couple of times my mom would come with me. All in all it was good to be able to hold Ally. Love her, and as get to see those adorable boys! Although the park visits stopped I still continued to visit with Lori and see Ally. I can't begin to explain the joys that have come into my life because of this wonderful family and because of my wonderful baby.

About a month after I placed Brandon decided to call Kevin at LDSFS and request to see Ally. Kevin called me and I very clearly explained to him that I had notified Brandon when he could have seen Ally (while I was in the hospital after I had signed my papers) and he had chosen not to. Kevin told me that he would talk with Lori and Barton and see what they said. To my utter dismay they said that it would be ok for Brandon to see Ally.....

More of my time with Ally

This won't be the only post for today but because of all the pictures I posted yesterday I thought I'd add just a few today of the time I had with Ally.

This was by far my favorite thing to do with Ally. Take naps! I loved it!

This is the hat that came with the outfit. I seriously think it would have fit a one year old not a new born!

This is the blanket that I made for Ally. She was still hooked up to a heart monitor for a while the first part of the day but was able to be taken off of that around noon.

This was by far my the funniest thing Ally would do. She LOVED when I rubbed her feet... it put her right to sleep... however, the moment I stopped her leg would extend out. SO funny!

May 14, 2007: Placement

It's hard to start this. There are so many emotions tied to this day. So much happened that I don't know where to begin. Well I guess from the night before....

On Sunday night I stayed in the NICU as long as I could until I just about passed out from being so tired. I told the nurse that I needed the neonatologist to come to my room as soon as he got in. She told me that if I waited another 20 minutes he'd be here. So I waited to talk with him. I wanted to make sure that he and the nursing staff knew that tomorrow would be the last day that I had to spend with my child before I placed her into her mothers arms. I wanted to make sure they release her from the NICU before noon so that I could at least spend some alone time with her. The neonatologist told me he'd do everything he could but couldn't make any promises. In most cases the babies aren't allowed to leave the NICU unless they are leaving the hospital, but because of my "special" circumstance they would see what they could work out. I left the NICU that night feeling some what defeated. I didn't think I'd really get to spend the time with Ally like I wanted to. Now don't get me wrong the time that I had already spent with her was great but let me explain a few things...

• The NICU is not at all private (and in our case Ally was next to a baby who at birth weighed 9 pounds and a set of lungs like a 2 year old! I can't remember his name but there were many times where he cried the ENTIRE time I was holding Ally)
• The NICU is not at all comfortable! Sure they have soft chairs for you to sit on but lets be honest when your backside hurt as badly as mine did I could hardly sit for 30 minutes let alone sit and hold a baby.
• The NICU staff, although I'm sure they tried not to be, was rather annoying. I think there was maybe one time where I held Ally that they didn't come up and check on her. I know they were doing their job but it got old!

So you see... although I'd spent probably a total of a day with her (combining all the time spread out through the days since she was born) none of that time was personal or intimate. I wanted, no more that I need that personal and intimate time with Ally in order feel like I had my "time" with her.

I woke up at 3 am to the phone ringing. At first I didn't understand what was going on, thanks in part to the heavenly pain meds that I was on. When I realized it was my phone I hurried and answered. It was the NICU letting me know that the Neonatologist had released Ally and I could come and get her at any point in time. I was thrilled! I couldn't believe that I was going to really spend time with my baby like I had planned. I hurried down to the NICU to get her. Wheeling her into my room was so comforting and peaceful. I had never spent a moment of time alone with my child. There had always been someone in the same room. I was finally getting the time that I needed with my baby.

One of the very first things I did with her was get her naked! I wanted to check out every inch of her. I wanted to remember everything about her. I wanted to remember her legs, her a hands, her hair (well what little hair she had), I wanted to look over every inch of her and ingrain it into my mind. Throughout the day me and Debbie had fun changing her clothes, feeding her, playing with her and just spending time with her.

As I think through how to describe the feelings I felt I've concluded that the only way to do so it to post LOTS of pictures (they will have subtitles). Hope you can feel what I felt for just a moment through these wonderful pictures (Lindsay Jane studios!)

My sweet baby girl. I can't begin to explain the joys that filled my soul holding her alone in my room knowing that even for must a moment she was mine.

My favorite thing was to hold Ally's little hands. So small and tiny and perfect!

You can see her angel kisses on here eyes. I asked the doctor about them. He said that until she was about 3 or 4 they would turn bright red when she got angry or cried. He told me "there must be someone up in heaven who wants this little girl to feel loved. Those are two very good Angel kisses."

Oh those hands... I just couldn't get enough of them! Lori and Barton actually made a 3D mold of Ally's hand for me. It is truly a treasure!

My middle brother Daniel and his wife Mary had three kids who I love dearly and I wanted them to be able to know Ally in some way. We limited the time that they spent with her (mostly the oldest, Madison, the two boys weren't old enough to understand.) so that they didn't get attached.

This is Mary holding Ally. Without Mary I don't know if I would have chosen the option of Adoption

From left to right: my brother Zach, just older than me. Daniel, the one with the kids. Daddy, he was a wreck that day....

Cater was more interested in her that we thought... he pointed out all her body parts and laughed when she started to squirm. P.S. you can see the ruffles on the butt of the outfit.. my favorite part! It came with a hat but it was HUGE on her!

Wyatt.... he was the life of the day. Kept everyone laughing. This is my joyous donut that I sat on, slept on, basically lived on for a few months... he thought it was AWESOME!

Madison... bless her heart loved my baby Ally with all her heart.

What did I say about Wyatt... Kept us all entertained! Still does too!

A mothers final prayer... As I sat on the edge of that bed I said a prayer with my baby. I prayed that she would grow up to be a strong willed, independent, determined woman. I prayed that she would always look up to her mother as an example. I prayed that she would always feel the love that I have for her. I prayed, well more threatened, that if she ever did anything I did she'd be in a whole load of trouble. And finally I prayed for the strength to do what I knew I must.

That was the longest four steps of my life. Holding my baby in my arms preparing to place her into the arms of her rightful mother. My heart was breaking more than I thought it ever could. I was hoping that something would change and I'd be the strong person I knew I could. But it was simply too hard. I could hardly stand the fact that I was walking away from what I knew I wanted most in life. But I knew, without a doubt, that she was going home.

As I hugged Lori I asked her if she would give Ally a kiss for me every night. She told me that she would and that I would have many chances to kiss her sweet face.

And then... I gave my daughter a final kiss. I loved her more than life itself. I was truly doing God's will in placing her for adoption. I knew at that moment that my life would never be the same.

I hugged Barton and let him know that he was the father of my daughters dreams. He was everything that I knew she needed. He hugged me and let me know that my daughter was the little girl of his dreams and he would do anything and everything to make her happy.

I didn't realize at first how hard placement would be for my parents. They too were making a huge sacrifice. They were walking away from a grandchild that they loved and cared for dearly. Their hearts were breaking not only to see the baby go but to see their baby hurting so much. I will always and forever be saddened by the fact that I hurt my parents so deeply.

As I walked out of that room my heart broke into a billion pieces. I had just walked away from my daughter. I fell to the ground and started shaking. I couldn't do it. I wanted more than anything to walk back into the room and just hold my baby. I said over and over... "I can't do this. This isn't fair! I can't give my baby away!" And then my mother in all her wisdom lifted my to my feet and told me. "It's done." It sounds harsh but I think at that moment she didn't know what else to say. She didn't know how to help her child who was hurting more than anyone in the entire world. As we walked to the elevator my heart broke again as I heard my sweet 6 year old niece ask, "Daddy, why doesn't KK want to keep her baby?" She didn't get it. She could see the hurt that I was feeling and she didn't get it. How could she get it. To see me in pain and see that I had walked away from a baby... It didn't make sense to her.

In the elevator I begged and pleaded with my savior to give me peace, to help me through this. I knew that without him there was no way I would be able to go on living. There is no way I would want to go on living. As I walked out of the hospital I was filled with the most overwhelming peace. The daughter that I had carried was no longer mine. Yes, I was her mother in a way that Lori never could be and Lori is her mother in a way I never would be. But together through our faith and through adoption we are mothers.

Mothers day... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

I was perfectly content being pregnant through mothers days. With my due date not 'til the 27th of May I would be ok and not go through my first mothers day shortly after placing. Once again my plan was ruined! Not only would I go through my first mothers day shortly after having Ally but I would go through my first mothers day still being Ally's mother!

I woke up around 2am and went down to the NICU to see Ally. The nurse was the first person that day to say "happy mothers day" to me. I did my best not to cry. Was a mother? I felt like it but at the same time I didn't know if I really was a mother. I loved Ally enough to be a mother but I wouldn't be the one that she would call mommy. I wouldn't be the one that she would run to when her brothers picked on her too much. In reality I wouldn't be her mother but on this one day everyone would be calling me her mother. As I held my little girl in my arms I felt like her mother. I loved her like her mother. I wanted her like her mother. I truly was her mother. I then realized that instead of telling everyone I wasn't her mother I had to come to terms with the fact that, yes I was her mother, maybe for a short period of time but I was her mother.

I spent most of the early morning with Ally in the NICU, holding her, telling her stories, feeding her, and doing my favorite thing... cuddling her! Around 6am I went back to my room to sleep, to think, and to get control of my emotions. I cried myself to sleep knowing that I'd only have this one mothers day with my baby.

The day was full of family coming to see me and Ally. Lori and Barton must have known that the day would be hard for me and they didn't come up until later on that evening. It was good to see them but hard all at the same time.

I didn't expect to ever feel like Ally's mother. In fact I didn't exactly want to feel like Ally's mother. I knew that if I had those feelings it would make placing her that much harder. I tried as hard as I could to keep those feelings suppressed but at the same time I knew that if I suppressed them one day I would regret that. Allowing myself to truly feel like her mother on that mothers day was not just a chance. It wasn't simply coincidence that I had Ally before mothers day. It was god's gift to me for me choosing to place her for adoption. I couldn't feel angry, I couldn't feel hurt. I needed to feel grateful for this day.

Through the passing years Mothers day's would continue and my heart would continue to long for the time that I spent with my daughter on that mothers day. That day was a joy that I would hold onto in the long few days to follow.

Signing

Saturday morning I woke up sore but determined to spend as much time with Ally as physically possible. I called down to the NICU and found out that over the night she had been taken off oxygen and was doing well. I was excited about the fact that I would be able to hold my baby with out all the tubes and wires and be worried that she wasn't breathing right or that the way I was holding her wasn't helping her. I think I just about RAN down to the NICU after I got off the phone. I was brought to tears when I saw my precious baby. I couldn't believe for even just a few days I had the joy of being this little angel's mommy.

Throughout my pregnancy I had worked on a blanket for Ally. Something that I could send with her that would always be from her birth mother. I didn't really ever take a cute picture of it but it was a rag blanket and I thought it was adorable. Debbie, Hannah, and Abbie helped me make it while I was living with them. I liked to call it her "security blanket" while she was in the hopsital.

The inside of Ally's "security blanket"

Ya sorry about the cleavage.... My milk came in Saturday morning and as you can tell..... BAD NEWS!

I really enjoyed being able to feed Ally. By Saturday she had gotten up to eating a whole ounce. It's sounds funny that I was excited about an ounce but it was progress and that was all that mattered!

Part of my plan was to sign relinqishment papers as soon as I could. Normally that would be 24 hours. But because Ally was sick I had to wait 48 hours. I wanted to sign so that Branden couldn't do anything. I wanted everything to be in my control and I knew by signing the papers and soon as I could it would allow me to have more control over the situation. I signed Saturday May 12, 2007 (birth mothers day). I have to say I had a very easy time signing the papers. I think mostly because I had a struggle with my decision the day before and I had made up my mind that it was right then. I also tried to look at the papers as me just signing my name and not really think about it. I didn't want to break down and cry about it. The other problem/solution to not crying was that I had to be off pain medication in order to sign the papers. With a 3rd degree I was on STRONG pain meds about every 4 hours and motrin every 2 or so. The pain was really intense. My case worker couldn't read fast enough. I was in so much pain I could hardly think. My nurse was actually standing in the room holding my pain meds so that as soon as I had signed everything I could hurry and take them. It made for a very long couple of minutes

me signing. It was actually a relief to know that i couldn't change my mind. I had made the final decision and I was following through with my plan.

I don't know anymore!

I have to start this out with saying that this may be one of the hardest and most personal posts that I'm ever going to write. I have for over 3 years kept the feelings I will write about between me and my ex Chris. I have never shared them with fellow birth mothers, my own mother, Ally's mother or even my husband now. I considered never sharing them as part of my story but I feel that in order for every one who reads this to understand how truly hard placement was for me they need to know EVERYTHING. And everything includes the morning that I spent with Chris...

Date: Friday May 11, 2007

After the brief time that I was able to spend with Ally that first day all I could think was that I was giving away my one chance at being a mother. I didn't sleep at all that night. I tossed and turned and kept thinking that what I was doing was wrong. I knew I needed a support person. At about 5 am I called my boyfriend at the time, Chris. I needed him to be with me. As he layed in my bed with me I told him how I was feeling. I told him that at that moment I HATED Lori and Barton for having everything that I needed in order to keep my baby. I HATED the fact that they were so perfect. I HATED the fact that they wanted my baby. He let me vent. I kept talking about how much I just wanted to keep her. I told him time and time again that we could work it out. Me and him would get married and have a little family and that would be the end of adoption for me. He asked me how Lori and Barton would feel if I decided to parent after the entire time telling then that I was going to place with them?

Honestly at that moment I didn't care about their feelings. All I cared about was the hurt that I was feeling deep inside my soul. The pain that I thought would only get worse if I "gave my child away". I wasn't going to do it. I told Chris that from that point on it was me and him and my baby. Lori and Barton weren't in the picture any more. I sobbed, I cried so hard my head hurt. Chris let me cry, he held me and just let me cry. He didn't say anything. He knew that I was saying what I was because my heart was hurting. After about an hour he sat me up and looked me directly in the eye and said "Lets go see Ally."

As we walked into the NICU (That's right people I walked down this time!) I felt a sudden rush of anger. I was angry that I was in this position, I was angry that I felt so out of control, I was angry that my baby was sick and that my plans had changed. I was VERY angry.

As I sat down and held my baby in my arms I couldn't help but cry. I wanted her to myself. I wanted to give her all the things that she should have, not someone else. I wanted to watch her grow and develop and laugh and cry and do all the things a mother always dreams of doing with the babies!

After about an hour of being there the NICU nurse let us know we could feed Ally. I was thrilled that she was getting strong enough to eat. She only ate about 1/2 an ounce but she was making steps in the right direction. After we fed her we went back to my room to talk a little more.

Chris let me know that the feelings that I was having were normal but that he felt he wasn't suppose to be Ally's father. He let me know that he'd love me and support me in whatever decision I made but that he felt strongly that I should reconsider placing.

After an hour I decided I needed to see Ally. As I walked into the NICU Lori was there feeding Ally. I got angry. Very angry. I felt like she was stealing what little time I had with my daughter away from me. I turned and "ran" (ya I say "ran" because lets be honest I couldn't run at all) back to my room. I was done. They weren't getting my baby. I wasn't going to give them what they were going to steal from me. I was furious and hurt. I didn't even know Lori was there. She didn't even come say hi to me before she went into the NICU, she just went right to Ally. She didn't care about me at all. She just wanted my baby. A baby that she wasn't going to get.

I cried for a good hour. Could I really tell Lori and Barton I was going to keep the baby? Did I have the strength to be a single mother? I didn't know. And so I did what I knew was best, I prayed. I prayed and asked for strength to do what was best for my child whether it be to parent or to place. I asked for strength to get past the feelings that I was having. I asked for comfort and peace to know what to do. And the last thing was that I asked for the Lord to show my why adoption was right.

Not ten minutes later Lori came into my room. She could see that I'd been crying and asked what was going on? I told her that I was just worried about Ally and that I knew everything would work out. She sat down on the edge of my bed and held my hand. She looked me directly in the eye and told me that through everything I had been a direct answer to her prayers and the prayers of her children. She told me that she could never thank me enough for the gift that I had already given to their family. The joys that they had by witnessing Ally's birth was something they could never thank me enough for. My heart inside was breaking. I knew at that moment that my feelings of angry and hatred were wrong. I shouldn't feel angry at these sweet people. I should feel grateful that they would still involve me in the life of this babe that I carried for them. I should feel grateful that the Lord would bless me with such an amazing experience.

How could I have ever thought for a moment that I could be a single mother. I knew that my feelings were normal but I never wanted Lori and Barton to know. I love them too much to hurt them.

This is Chris holding Ally. I will always have a special place in my heart for Chris. There are NEVER enough thank yous for what he gave me that day.

Sick Baby Ally

An hour after the pediatrician came in and just about destroyed my whole world he came back to tell me what they had found out. We were lucky, very lucky that the only problem Ally had was that her lungs didn't produce surfactant. The explanation the doctor gave me is that without surfactant the lungs are unable to expand, they stick together causing lungs to collapse (which is what happened with Ally). Back in the day this was a problem but now they've come up with surfactant shots that reverse what had happened and allow Ally's lungs to function normally. I was SO relieved that there wasn't going to be permanent damage and that she wouldn't be "sick" for an extended period of time.

As I sat in the bed waiting to see my baby the NICU nurse came in. She told me that she had a picture of the baby to show me. I got SO excited. I couldn't want to see her little face, she how she was looking (the last time I'd seen her was from across the room and she was blue in the face, not the best memory). And then she shows me this....

talk about worst picture in the world! All I saw was everything Ally was hooked up to and not really saw my baby.

How could she think this would be good at all for me? She said she had another one.... I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!

How is this any better? I still can't still my baby?!

I was more concerned for Ally at that point than ever before. I had to wait for my epidural to wear off before I could even go see her. Pushing the button so many times may have been a bad idea! I think that had to be the longest few hours of my life. Lori came in and checked on me a couple times. I let her know that at any point the boys were more than welcome to come up and see the baby. She told me that although they wanted to the NICU staff wouldn't let anyone see the baby until I had. Let me tell you I was once again furious. She told me that Barton was sitting outside the door waiting to go in but they wouldn't let him. I've never been so mad in my entire life. I called down to the NICU and let them know that what they were doing was wrong and that Lori, Barton and their children could see this baby any time they wanted to. It was their child just as much as it was mine.

This wasn't what I wanted. My baby was alone and her daddy was trying desperately to get to her. It just wasn't right. I asked Lori if she could have Barton come down to my room. I had my dad and Barton there and I asked if they could both give Ally a father's blessing. I wanted my father, and her father to use their priesthood to make sure everything would be "hunky dory" I wish I could have been there. I heard it was touching (dang drugs) and very powerful. I also let Barton know that he would be able to sit with Ally and if the staff said other wise to have them call me.

By the time the drugs wore off I was anxious to see my baby. I was wheeled down to the NICU (ya no way I was going to walk) and as soon as they open the door I see Barton sitting next to his daughter reading her a book. My heart was filled with joy. I wish I had a camera. That moment is forever ingrained in my mind. When I have hard days I often think of Barton, sitting with his little girl (he couldn't touch her of course) reading to her. That was all I ever wanted for my baby. To have a daddy that would care for her as much (if not more) than I could.

As I came in Lori and Barton left to give me some time to be with her. I am still so grateful for how much they cared about how much time I spent will Ally. It meant the world to me. As I sat with her I remember feeling like I was loosing a huge part of my soul. Like something inside of me was breaking with every blink of my eye. My precious baby couldn't be mine, as much as I wanted it, it couldn't happen.

This is my sick baby Ally. The IV that she had in her hand was moved to her other hand, then to each foot and finally to her head. That by far was the most painful thing to watch my baby suffer.

The first few moments that I got to hold Ally were wonderful.

I asked the nurse if I could hold her. She said that would be ok but only for a moment. When they placed my baby girl in my arms I knew without a doubt that she wasn't truly mine. That she was meant to go to another home. That she was meant to have a different mother. I held her for as long as the nurse would let me (about 2 minutes) and then begged and pleaded for them to let me hold her still. The nurse (oh my gosh I can't tell you how HORRIBLE she was! Still makes me angry to this day!) said to me. "Your time with her is over." WHAT?! Who do you think you are Lady?! I said "Do you understand that I have very limited time with my daughter." Her response was, "You either put her back our you're going to kill her." I was terrified and angry and hurt and defeated. I couldn't spend the time with my baby like I wanted. I wasn't going to be able to do all the things I had hoped I would be able to do. This wasn't fair! I turned to the nurse and told her that she wouldn't be taking care of my child any more. She said there wasn't anything I could do about it. I went to the nurse supervisor and let her know what she had said to me. My daughter wasn't so sick that I couldn't continue to hold her for a few more minutes. The nurse just had "other things to do" and didn't want to sit there and make sure I was ok.

That lady never talked to me, touch my child, or looked my direction again! As I was wheeled back to my room I finally felt some sort of peace. I knew I had the strength to to this. I knew I needed to, for my baby. No it wasn't that I needed to. It was that I HAD to. I had to do this hard thing in order for my child to be blessed!

Dinner

I ran across these pictures today in my scrapbook. I scanned them in and thought I would share. This is of me (actively in labor) at the Common Bonds dinner. The first is with me and Mindi one of my dearest friends who is also a birth mother. She was my strength through much of my upcoming trial during the hospital stay. She also happens to be my hair stylist... she's amazing!

This is Jamie. She is not a birth mother but choose to parent and was such an inspriation in my life, still is.

Finally Meet her!

Around 11pm I sent my Dad and Barton home. I was at about a 4 and the progress was going to be slow. I told them I'd call them when I was at about an 8. That way Barton would be able to keep the kids at home that night. It wasn't logical to have the two men stay. After they left we started to get situated for the night. I tried to tell my mom and Lori that the couch pulled out into a bed and it would be more comfortable than sleeping sitting up but they sure didn't listen.

Thanks to the joys of modern medicine (my epidural) I only woke up through out the night a few times (each time the nurse came to check me) and the rest of the night slept pretty good. Every time I was woken I would turn to see my mom and Lori.... The first time Lori had her head on the arm of the couch and my mom had her head right in Lori's butt. The next time it had switched and by the third time they both had their heads in the middle of the couch with their feet hanging over the edge.

Every time the nurse would check me they would increase my pitocin, hoping to speed up the process a bit, and also increase the IV fluids (by the time I was ready to deliver I had been pumped full of 10 L of fluid!) By about 4 am (the last time they checked me) I was sick of sleeping in the sitting up fashion. I decided I would lay the bed flat... Not the best idea. I woke up an hour later and was having a heck of a time breathing. I called the nurse and told her I was having a hard time breathing. She and a CNA came RUNNING into the room to see my bed flat. Well by doing that it allowed the epidural to travel up my body instead of just sticking to my lower half.... I then realized I could barely move my arms. I started to freak out. They put me on an oxygen mask blowing full blast.

I then admitted to the nurse that I had pushed the button to give me more medicine into my epidural about every hour or so. I wanted to make sure I didn't feel a thing... come to find out later, that may not have been the best idea. Around 5am the nurse came back in to see how I was doing and if I could feel my arms again. I finally could! She checked me again and told me that I was almost to a 9.

I called Barton, my dad, and my photographer and let them know it would be happening shortly. They all made their way to the hospital. My father was the first to arrive since my parents lived only a few minutes away from the hospital(followed closely by Lindsay-my photographer, she lived across the street from my parents) and the first thing he did was turn on the Today Show... kinda my father's morning ritual. Barton got there last and the nurse came in right after to to check me.

for those of you who have never been on an oxygen mask it is MISERABLE! Your nose gets dry your mouth gets dry and it's just plain annoying!

I was to a 10. She told me it was time to start pushing. Since I didn't exactly do any sort of birth class I had no idea what to do. When she told me to push I sat there thinking "push what?" How am I suppose to "push" when I can't feel a dang thing down there? I eventually figured things out. Took a minute though. The nurse, my mom, and Lori were all very helpful. My dad and Barton however......

They sat in either corner of the room "watching" the Today Show. They would occasionally ask how I was doing but that was it. I think it was very strange for them, I personally didn't care. In fact I was so glad that Barton was there and was going to be able to witness the birth of his daughter.

I continued to push, and push, and push, and push. I have NEVER felt so utterly exhausted in my life! Every time the nurse would say it's time to push again all I wanted to do was lay there and cry. I was tired and my head hurt and I was hungry (for me that's a VERY bad combination!)

Through the 2 hours that I pushed my mother would occasionally check out what was going on.

She is the funniest woman in the world when she doesn't try to be. She kept saying "Look I can see her head! She's crowing! Oh but then she went back in!" or she'd say "I can't believe this is really happening. You're like really having a baby!"

Thank you Lindsay for this picture! I LOVE it! There were a few moments where neither Lori or my mother were helping me push... They were "watching" what was going on.

After 1 1/2 hours the doctor came in and got all ready. That meant it was almost time to stop pushing (so I thought) but little did I know I'd be pushing for another 1/2 hour. My dad was the comic relief through most of it (as usual) and ended up being great to have there.

After over 12 hours of Labor Allison Grace entered this world around 7 am on May 10, 2007. Her mother Lori was able to cut the cord. As they laid my baby girl on my chest I could feel my heart breaking. I knew this precious life was mine like she could never be Lori's but also in a way Lori's like she could never be mine.

Lori and Barton looking at their precious baby girl minutes after she was born.

After they took Ally over to the little place to clean her up I wondered why I wasn't hearing her cry. They were rubbing her, lifting up her arms, flicking her feet... NOTHING. I started freaking out a little. There was something wrong with my baby and I knew it. I kept asking over and over again, "Why isn't she crying? What's going on?" but no one had answered for me. I could hear the struggle my baby was having. She wasn't breathing and the nurses were doing everything they could to get her to breathe on her own. The rushed through the process of weighing her, getting her foot prints, and everything else that needed to be done.

Then they quickly wrapped her in a blanket and rushed her away to the NICU. I told the nurse that Lori and Barton were to go wherever my little girl went. She told me it wasn't policy and that they wouldn't be allowed (WRONG thing to say to me). I let her know that if Lori and Barton were not treated as the baby true parents I would have her job! I didn't want my baby to ever be alone. The nurse finally agreed and Lori and Barton both walked out of the room to follow the nurse to the NICU.
The time that passed felt like YEARS, in reality it was about 20 minutes. Enough time for the doctor to stitch up my 3rd degree episiotomy (ya not at all fun and if you don't know what that is... look it up sorry I won't go into detail about that) and leave the room. Lori and Barton came back in the room along with their pediatrician. He told me that at this point in time they didn't know what was wrong with Ally. He knew that she wasn't breathing and that they were having to help her breathe but he didn't know why she wasn't breathing. He said they needed to run more tests to find out what was wrong but that it could be a number of things. There was a possibility it had something to do with her heart not working properly, her brain being damaged, or "if we were lucky" it would just be her lungs.

He walked out of the room and Lori and Barton followed. As soon as they walked out of the room I began sobbing! Why would the Lord bring me this far only to make it SO much harder for me to do what was right for my child? I kept saying over and over again "I can't have a sick baby! I can't have a sick baby! I can't have a sick baby!" My choice was hard enough as it was. How could God expect me to walk away from a sick baby? I honestly didn't think I could do it. I knew that she was suppose to be part of Lori and Barton's family but it just seemed too hard for me. It wasn't what was suppose to happen. I couldn't have my baby die before she started her life. That didn't seem fair, not to me, not to Lori and Barton, and especially not to her.

I did the only thing I knew to do. I prayed. I beg and pleaded that the Lord will allow my child to live and be strong and that he would give me the strength to do his will and place her into the loving arms of her mother. I wish I could say I felt instant peace but honestly... the peace didn't come for a few days.

My plan was ruined. I was only going to spend 2 days with her and then place, that wasn't going to be possible her not being able to breathe on her own and all. I didn't know if I was going to be able to spend any time with her. Would I ever be able to hold my child like I wanted before I had to say good-bye? At that moment it all seemed impossible. Through out the day I continued to pray and plead with my Lord and Savior that her life would be spared and that I would have the strength to do as he told me to do.