Physical vs Emotional

I will NEVER forget the emotional pain that day (May 14, 2007) holds.  The feeling that life itself was ending, that my heart would stop beating.  I will NEVER forget that pain....

This pregnancy however I've had to endure a different kind of pain.  Physical pain.  A pain that, trust me, I would take a thousand times over instead of the emotional pain.  The physical pain of this pregnancy started on January 12 (DANG paper route :)) and unfortunately didn't end at delivery like I was hoping.  My physical pain has continued throughout nursing.  It's not done yet either.  After 10 days of antibiotic shots in my butt (talk about extreme burning pain) I'm still suffering from the worst case of mastitis (breast infection) that my doctor has ever seen.  You know you're the "worst case scenario" when they ask to take a picture for future reference.  The physical pain from mastitis, on top of continuing to nurse, on top of healing from delivery has been more than I can bare at times.  I've broken down crying many times telling my mom or Daniel that I'm done, I quit, I can't take it anymore.

And then I remember sitting on the edge of that hospital bed saying goodbye to my baby Ally.
I remember... I can do hard things.  
I can and will do anything for my children.  I will willing take this physical pain because my child will benefit.  I will take this physical pain because I've already done the worst emotional pain any human being can handle.  I will take this physical pain because I am a mother!

Jaxson Parley

Introducing the newest addition to my circle of motherhood.  Jaxson Parley Shaw.

Being able to be a birth mother, adoptive mother, and biological mother has brought many blessings into my life. I am eternally grateful for the blessings adoption has brought to my life and even more grateful for the peace the newest addition has brought to my soul.  I am loving every minute of my life right now and can't wait to share more moments of how adoption will continue to touch my life.

"Siblings"

So I've been asked a couple different times...
Who is Ally to Cayden? or Do you feel like Ally and Jaxson are brother and sister? Do you feel that Cayden and Sopheya (Cayden's birth mothers daughter) are brother and sister?
I further thought about these questions when I read this posting on The r house. So while I KNOW I may get negative feedback from what I'm about to say I'm going to put my views out there....
So first you must know a few names and how they relate to me and my adoption story

1. Cayden- My son...technically he is my step-son, however I adopted him
2. Jaxson- the child I am currently pregnant with
3. Ally- the baby I placed for adoption
4. Jordan- Cayden's birth mother
5. Sopheya- Jordan's daughter
6. Branden-Ally's birth father
7. Scarlet-Branden's daughter

First question I will answer....
Q: Do you tell Cayden and Sopheya is his sister?
A: No I don't. Jordan relinquished her rights before Sopheya was born. It's not like a foster situation where the two children interact and know each other. Cayden doesn't have any sisters but will soon have a little brother.

Q: Who does Cayden think Ally is?
A: Cayden knows that Ally "grew in my belly" just like he grew in Jordan's belly.

Q: Do you view Ally and Scarlet as sisters?
A: NOT AT ALL! Ally's ONLY sister is named Olivia and was born on October 8, 2011.

Q: Will you view Jaxson and Ally and brother and sister once he's born?
A: Honestly no. Ally will always be part of our family in the fact that we'll call her a family friend but she's not a sister to any of the children that Daniel and I will have.

So I'm putting it out there... Do you have any questions that you'd like me to answer. I promise I'll answer them all honestly. They can be about being an adoptive mom, a birth mom, a regular mom, anything at all. Ask away!

Sooner than I thought

My entire pregnancy with Jaxson I have been anticipating the day I would have to once again walk into the Labor and Delivery department of Davis Hospital. I knew it would be hard. I knew I would have emotions and feelings to deal with that I haven't had ever (or in a long time). What I didn't know is how much I would remember and how those memories would affect me SO much.

Thursday night around 10pm I had one really hard contractions, followed in 3 minutes by another really hard contraction and so on until 11pm when they stopped all together for about 30 min. I didn't want to wake Daniel up and so I waited it out. I had 2 contractions in 40 minutes and thought I was in the clearing. I went to bed and didn't think much of it. However Friday morning when I woke up I was fine... until about 10am. The pains began again and boy were they strong. From 10am to about 11am I was having contractions about 7 minutes apart. Around 11am they stopped and again I didn't have any for 30 minutes. I stayed in bed all day but consistently had strong contractions. I called the doctors office and was told I needed to go into the hospital (that was around 1:30pm). I packed my bag and Cayden's bag and waited for Daniel to get home from work (that's around 3:40pm) and then we headed to the hospital. The nurse led me to Room 6 (Not 4 thankfully, that would have been a nightmare) and I got changed while Daniel and Cayden went down to admit me. I tried to take as much time as possible knowing that being lone in the labor and delivery room wouldn't be good for my emotions. after I got dressed in the lovely green gown they supply i sat in the chair next to the bed, silently dreading the moment I had to get in it. As I looked around the room a flood of memories came over it. It was almost like I was there as a spectator watching Ally be born. Barton sitting in one corner by my head, my dad in the other. Lori and my mom watching in awe as that sweet little angel entered this world. as I began to sob, somewhat uncontrollably I remembered the heart stopping feelings I had right after Ally was born. Not hearing her cry was one of the most terrifying sounds of silence I have ever lived through. I was soon brought back to reality by the sounds of my own sobs. I knew I needed to get myself together before the nurse came in so she didn't think i was crying about the pain. when the nurse did come in I asked if I HAD to get in the bed. She looked at me and said "well, you're in early labor. So ya, you do." She had a look in her eyes that almost said... you've got to be kidding me, not another crazy pregnant lady. So I quickly replied, "It's not a big deal it's just that the last time I got in a labor and delivery bed it was to give birth to a baby I placed for adoption." Her expression quickly softened and she said "Oh. I'm sorry. Yes you kind of need to get in the bed now." A few minutes later Cayden and Daniel came back up and I was quickly reminded by my so sweet "almost 4 year old" that my decisions in the past were right. As I sat in that bed listening to my babies heart beat I realized my journey was coming full circle.

The biggest difference this time around is Daniel. He was SO sweet! When I told him I had been having a hard time he made sure he was as close to me as possible. when my dad came to get Cayden, Daniel made sure to give me a hug and a kiss before he left the room. He told me four times, "I'll be back in just a few minutes. If you need anything call me." He was SO incredibly sweet. By 7pm I knew Daniel had to be hungry because I was completely and utterly starving. Ice ships and 1/2 a Popsicle only made me more hungry too. I literally had to threaten him so he would go get food. He was simply adorable! I can't believe how lucky I am to have such an amazing man willing to stay by my side. I am SO blessed!

Bugged

Before you start reading this you must know I am using this blog as therapy for the day... I have to get some things off my chest even if they are harsh!

The last couple days I have been ALL SORTS OF BUGGED!!! Not with everything... Just with one thing.... Cayden. That sounds horrible so let me explain. I am bugged that I wasn't there from birth to 2 years. I am bugged that I missed SO many big things in his life. I am bugged that I wasn't able to do the things with him that I'll do with Jaxson. I am just bugged about it.

All my bugged-ness turned to sadness after reading Cayden a book he got for Christmas called I love you so...

It starts like this...
"I love you."
"How much?"
"SO much."
"How much is 'so'?"
"WAY, Way more than you know..."
I love you as BRILLIANT as each sparkling star, and as WAY OUT as space, I love you THAT far.
I love you as GIGANTIC as a great lion's roar, and as DEEP as the ocean, I love you MUCH more.
"That is a lot," you say, "but HOW did it start? WHERE did love come from to be in your heart?" YOU put it there, really, when you and I met. And I knew for certain WITHOUT you I'd fret.
From MY HEAD to my TOES, I was feeling inside a devotion for you SO DEEP and SO WIDE. And now it's ENORMOUS and wonderfully real and hard to describe HOW MUCH I feel!

And then the part that really gets me....
I CAN'T IMAGINE life before YOU came along... me there singing senseless, no MEANING to my song.
Call it MEANT TO BE or simply blessed fate, you fill my heart WITH LOVE.... and for THAT I celebrate.


I know without a doubt that I was and always have meant to be Cayden's mommy. I loved him from the moment I met him and have NEVER stopped. The thing that bugs me so much is that the person who could have had the moments with him that I miss so much walked out at 8 months and hardly looked back. Only when bugged beyond belief did she even care to think about him. AND THEN.... she hurt him, she yelled at him, she did unspeakable things to him! I have days where I HATE her! I have moments where I want to tell her how I really feel. I don't think I'll ever be ok with what she did. I don't think I'll ever get over some of these feelings.


I am grateful she allowed me to adopt Cayden but honestly... did she have a choice? It was god's plan and I know it was meant to be. But I have days where I wish beyond wish that I could have been there when she walked out.
I have days don't want to tell her anything about Cayden anymore. She doesn't deserve it! She did so much to hurt him that I don't know that she deserves to see him ever again. The last visit went SO horribly that honestly I don't know that I'll ever let her see him until he's fully grown. I don't know that I'll update her blog for a while because again... she doesn't deserve it!
Well I've got it out there.... Do I feel horrible about the feelings that I have, sometimes. Do I wish it were different, yes! Am I wrong in cutting her out, probably. Is it best for Cayden, WITHOUT A DOUBT!!!