Sunday, October 24, 2010


I've realized this pregnancy that I have many fears... Fears that I don't think are normal but that for whatever I'm experiencing. So here is my list.

  • I fear that I will never have a baby girl and that I lost out on that chance

  • I fear that when this baby comes I will have the same feelings of placement all over again

  • I fear that if this baby doesn't come out completely healthy I'll have an emotional break down.

  • I fear that I will love this baby more than Cayden.

  • I fear that Cayden won't get the time and attention that he needs.

  • I fear that somehow I won't love this baby like I love Cayden.

  • I fear I'm going to have an emotional break down if we find out we're having a boy.

  • I fear that Daniel won't understand if I have an emotional break down if we find out we're going to have a boy.

  • I fear that with everything going on in life I won't be the mother to my children like I know I need to be.

  • I fear that I'll make it to 32 weeks and the baby will be born still born or something.

My list could go on and on about things I fear will happen or will not happen. I think that at times my fears run my life. I dote on Cayden making sure he gets as much love and attention from me as he possibly can before the baby comes. Then at the same time I worry that all the attention I'm giving him is only going to make the transition that much harder. And what if for some reason I feel a different love for a baby that I carried than I do for Cayden. To me right now it makes no sense. I would do anything and everything for Cayden. I love him more than life itself and I can't imagine loving him any less. But what if it's a different kind of love. Is that even possible? When am I going to get to the point that I quit fearing what could be and live for what is? Is that ever possible after the loss (and yes I just said loss) of placing a child for adoption? I still don't know if any of this makes sense and I don't know if it ever will to someone that hasn't lived through the heart ache and pain that I have. I often wish I could talk with Emma Smith. While her situation was different she too felt the loss of loosing a child but then gaining 2 through "adoption". Her strength and testimony is amazing to me. To think that she would bury so many of her children rattles my mind. Out of 7 pregnancies she would only have the joy of raising but a handful of her children. Out of my 5 pregnancies so far(including this one) I will only have the joy of hopefully raising 1 of those children. Yes I have been truly blessed by Cayden. I can't imagine what I would do without that little man. And I believe Emma felt the same way when Joseph and Julia Murdock were brought into her life. Do I have the kind of faith that it takes to be a woman such as Emma? I fear (yes that dreadful word) at times that I may not. I pray that I do. I pray that the Lord will give me strength to carry me through all that I know is ahead of me. And yes I have fears, what I believe are valid fears, that at times seem insurmountable. And today was one of those days. This last week has been one of those weeks. Will I ever really be able to not hurt from Ally's placement?

And for your reading enjoyment
18 weeks pregnant