Tuesday, August 31, 2010


I have to start this out with some sort of a rationalization..... Has anyone ever had a brownie marshmallow cookie from Cutlers? Well during my pregnancy with Ally I couldn't get enough of those dang things! They were all consuming! I would buy 2 and 3 at a time, go home and freeze 1 or 2 and be set to go for the next day or so. Well those cookies got me into a lot of trouble!

The date... March 6, 2007
My Due Date... May 27, 2007
I had just stopped and gotten a cookie from the Cutlers off of 5th south (in bountiful), you guessed right it was a brownie marshmallow cookie, and was headed to see a patient at a nursing facility off of 4th south(in Bountiful). I was driving along my merry way eating my cookie when all of the sudden the car in front of me slammed on their breaks... I quickly followed but with the added distraction of the cookie wasn't fast enough. I SLAMMED into the back of the car going about 30 MPH. My cookie went flying (the true tragedy of the day was that I didn't get to finish my cookie) and me and my pregnant stomach banged into the steering wheel. I tell you that has to be the worst feeling in the world!

I immediately started to feel my stomach getting rock hard. At first I didn't know what was going on. Then it hit me.... I'm in LABOR!!! This can't be happening, not now. I'm not ready, She's not ready. This isn't happening!!! My next thought was... She's not moving! Something is wrong. The lady that I hit came back (very angrily) to talk to me and when she saw me screaming in pain she realized something was wrong. She asked me what was wrong. I said... "My baby isn't moving, I'm having contractions and I'm only 6 months along. CALL 911 NOW!" Well it may not have been the best thing to yell at her because she froze and then started crying right along with me. Someone else stopped and she told them what had happened and that I thought I was in labor. I yelled "I don't think I'm in labor I know it!" They called 911 while I called my daddy. I made sure I was in between my contractions. I let him know I'd been in an accident and I needed him to come help me (my dad is my life saver!). I quickly hung up and started poking my stomach hoping she'd start moving. No such luck. Ally up until this point in my pregnancy never quit moving. Night and day she moved at least something a foot, a hand, anything. I always felt her move and not feeling her move was the most terrifying thing in the world.

The EMT walked up (mid contraction) and asked me how I was doing. My response was "How do you think I'm doing moron!" Ya not the best question to ask someone who is actively in labor. After checking my blood pressure he got very concerned. My blood pressure was through the roof. "I wonder why" is what he said. Really?! You're a freaking paramedic and you can't figure out why my blood pressure is through the roof?! I was furious!!!

Some one else came up and I grabbed his stethoscope to see if I could hear her heart beat or something. I couldn't hear a blasted thing! I was freaking out! They started timing my contractions. I was having them every 2-3 minutes. And boy were they strong. They got me on the stretcher and into the ambulance. I told them my doctor was at Davis and that I didn't want to go to Lakeview. They let me know I didn't have a choice. WAAAAAH! On the drive to the hospital I tried to pull out my phone to call Lori and let her know what was going on. The paramedic grabbed my phone and said "We have things we need to do, you won't be calling anyone." That was the WRONG thing to say to me.

I sat up, grabbed my phone back and said "Listen I have to let the parents of this child know that I'm in labor. Whatever you have to do can wait. You either let me call them or pull over and I'll walk to the Hospital!" He looked very taken aback but didn't say anything. That's right... don't mess with me!

My timing wasn't exactly the best when I called Lori. She answered after the 2nd ring. I said "Lori there's been an accident. I'm in Labor I need you guys to come to the hospital." And then a contraction hit and I started screaming. Lori started freaking out yelling "Which hospital? Which hospital?" It took everything I had to say "Lakeview" and not scream. The paramedic hung up the phone and said, "They know now can we do what we need to?" All I could think to say was "Fine, Whatever."

Withing minutes my mom was there, attempting to calm me down. She asked if I let Lori know and the paramedic said "Oh yes she did. Wouldn't let us touch her until she did." My mom smiled at me. She knew why it was so important to me. They took me up to labor and delivery and hooked me up to all sorts of machines. I was defiantly in labor. They gave me a few meds to stop the labor but the contractions kept coming. Shortly after they got a new IV put in Barton showed up. He let me know that Lori had to find a sitter for the boys but was frantically attempting to get here. Within minutes Lori was in the room holding my hand crying with me. What a blessing she was to have there with me.

They had an ultra sound technician come in to make sure everything was ok. I can't begin to explain how relieved I was when they let me know she was slowly starting to move and that her heart beat was decreasing a bit(as soon as they hooked me up to the machines the doctors got very concerned because of how fast her heart rate was). We were able to have some of the best ultra sound pictures because of the accident. After a few hours of Meds my body finally started to calm down and so did I.

They released me late that night and told me to check in with my normal doctor in the morning.

I called Dr. Meek in the morning and let him know what had happened. He told me to come right in. He checked me and did another ultra sound. I was dilated to a 3 but he said that everything with the baby looked fine. He told me he wanted me to be on bed rest as much as I could (I'll be honest I was on bed rest at night and that's about it).

The one thing that I remember the most was the true love and concern that both Lori and Barton showed toward me during everything. It helped me get through that day and it would help me get through the months after placement.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Broken Heart, and Contrite Spirit

I can't explain the relief that I felt handing the signed papers to Kevin. It was like a thousand pound brick was gone that I had been dragging around for months. I knew that with Branden's papers signed the only thing in the way of me placing my baby with her parents would be myself. When I left the agency that day I had a flood of emotions that I didn't exactly know how to feel or even deal with. I felt my heart breaking over the sacrifice I was going to have to make for my daughters well being. But I also knew that it was for her that I was doing it and I would do anything for my children. I knew that in order to do what was being asked of me I would have to turn to the Lord for strength. I found my answer in 2 Nephi chapter 4 verse 32.....

May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my aheart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may bwalk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

I knew that if I continued to live my life as I'd been taught that the Lord would give me strength and carry me through the trials that I had ahead. Trials that at the moment felt all consuming. I didn't know if I could really do what my heart and head were telling me to do. I didn't know if my body would physically allow me to walk away from a dream I had for many many years. The longer I questioned if I had strength I realized that I didn't. I wasn't going to be able to do this one alone like I had so many other things. I needed the help of my savior and I think more importantly of my family.

While I knew that the hardest part of my 9 month journey had not yet come I soon would be faced with everything WAY too quickly!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Heaven Help Me!

I had Kevin get me a few copies of the papers that Branden needed to sign. I didn't want ANY excuse from him in regards to loosing them or something stupid like that. I emailed him and let him know that we needed to meet, somewhere private, within the next couple days. He let me know he'd be willing to meet with me that night. He had a lot of things he wanted to say to me in person. My first thought was well this should be good. My next thought was, better take "back up" with me.

I emailed Branden back and let him know I'd meet him that night at 7. I called in a favor from a friend (who also happened to be a trained MMA fighter... like I said "back up") who was supportive of me placing and supportive of the fact that Branden needed it handed to him.

I had never allowed Branden to see me pregnant, my plan was to actually NEVER let him see me pregnant (I didn't want him to know I was HOT pregnant... haha) but at this point I didn't exactly have an option. So I did my best to look as good as I could. My friend told me after the fact that Branden's mouth about hit the floor when he saw me. I immediately said... That's right he did a lot of wrong things to one HOT momma! I'll never forget the feelings of complete and utter worry that I had the whole time I got ready. I was worried that no matter what was said or done he wouldn't sign. I was worried that he'd convince me he loved me or something stupid and I'd change my mind. I was worried that I would say something stupid and let him know who the adoptive couple were (I didn't feel he deserved to know that). I was worried that I'd let him know I was having a girl. I was most of all worried that going and seeing him would make me question the choices that I had made.

We pulled up to his apartment, same one as before, and my heart sunk slightly. Had I known so many months ago pulling up to the same place that my life would take such a dramatic turn would I have still walked through that door? Had I known how he'd treat me would I still have walked through that door? And then the thought hit me.... This isn't part of your plan Katelyn, it's part of God's plan. They need your baby and this was a way for her to get here. I knew then that I would do whatever I needed to in order for him to sign the papers.

He opened the door and a whole new flood of emotions hit me... Hatred, anger, disgust, and every other negative emotion you could think of. I knew nothing he could say would change my mind. He didn't deserve to know anything about my child. He didn't deserve to ever see my child. The only thing he deserved were to be 6 feet under for the things he'd put me through.

The conversation goes as follows.... (My friend's name is Tim: he'll be T, Branden will be B, and I'll be K)

B: I have some things I need to get off my chest
T: I don't think she really cares to hear what you have to say
K: Nope I don't
B: Well I don't care if you want to hear it I'm going to say it anyway.
K: Actually you're not. The only reason I'm here is for you to sign the papers and get out of my life.
B: I'm not going to sign those papers
T: Wanna Bet?
K: At this point Branden you don't have a choice. You either sign these papers or you will no longer be a member of the Air Force. I went over your head, you have two choices. You either sign these or you'll be dishonorably discharged tomorrow.
B: You can't do that.
K: Oh yes I can. And I will. Try me. I will do anything and everything to keep this child from you and from your CRAZY family.
B: My family isn't crazy they are just concerned.
K: No they are crazy. Someone who is concerned doesn't say the things that you and your family have said to me. A person that is concerned doesn't attempt to berate a person like your own mother and grandfather attempted to do.
B: I had nothing to do with that. That was something they chose to do.
K: That's fine. Now you can choose to sign these papers.
B: I don't want to.
K: Guess what... I don't want to be pregnant and I am. I don't want to be here but I am. I don't want to hate you but I do. There are a lot of things because of you that I don't want. I don't exactly have a choice.
B: Don't they have to be signed in front of a notary?
K: I have a friend who is a notary sitting in the car. (I had pulled in another favor from a friend. I worked at a Car Dealership so it wasn't hard to find someone willing to help me out.)
T: I'll stay here while you go get her Kate.
B: You don't need to baby sit me.
T: I'm not baby sitting you. I'm making sure your dumb self doesn't call anyone.
B: Whatever

I went and got my friend.

B: I don't want to do this. I feel like you're forcing me to do this.
K: The only thing I'm forcing you to do is make your own choice now to sign these papers.
B: Whatever
T: Sign there, there and there.

After he signed (2 copies) I walked to the door and said... "If you ever try to see my child, contact the adoptive couple, or call me again you'll never live another day."

I got in the car and started crying tears of joy. Everything I thought that would stop my plan from happening had just disappeared. I could really do this. I was going to be able to give my baby everything in life without any risk or chance of things going wrong. In a matter of 10 minutes my life had gone from complex to simple. I would be able to follow through with everything that I wanted for my child. What a relief. I called Kevin and let him know that Branden had signed and I'd bring the papers in as soon as I could. My next call was to Lori and Barton.

K: Branden signed!
L: HOW?!
K: He knew he didn't have any other choices.
L: Seriously?
K: Ya. We don't have to worry about the adoption being stopped now. This baby is yours!

I don't know who was more relieved me or Lori. My life would soon however take a turn that I wasn't ready for.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

It's a GIRL... don't tell me it's not!

We had the appointment set on January 5th to find out for sure that I was having a girl. I let Lori and Barton know that they HAD to be there. I also told my mom she needed to be there. I went into the appointment knowing my baby would be a girl named Allison Grace (Beautiful name right!) Lori and Barton made sure to let me know if it wasn't a girl they would love to have another little boy. I honestly thought my heart would break if it was a boy. We sat in the doctors office waiting our turn. When it came our time I turned to the Ultra sound Tech and had the following conversation....

Me: "Don't tell me if it's not a girl."
Her: "Won't you kind of know if I don't say anything."
Me: "I don't care. This baby needs to be a girl. They (pointing to Lori and Barton) need to have a baby girl."
Her: "Ok, I guess."

After a few minutes of Ultrasounding (ya I didn't know what else to call it) she turned to me and with the biggest smile on her face said....
"It's a girl!"
I started crying and screaming (ya I don't know why screaming) and crying some more. Lori and Barton hugged each other. And my mom was well, my mom.

Me and Lori talked for a little bit afterwords and she let me know how happy they are to be getting a girl. I let Lori know that I was SO happy that she would be the mommy to this little girl.

After we all parted ways I went for another drive.... Only this time I didn't make it very far. I pulled over just out side of the hospital (the exact hospital that I would actually deliver and place at). It hit me.... I would be having a daughter. Something I had dreamed of for years. And then the swift realization came.... I wouldn't be doing all the things with a daughter like I had hoped. I wouldn't get to teach her how to play the piano. I wouldn't get to do her hair and dress her up. I would get to go to her soccer games. I wouldn't get to dress her up in her dance outfits and watch her up on stage. I wouldn't get to sing her to sleep every night and then listen to her sing back to me. I wouldn't get to send her off to school for the first time. The list of things that I wanted to do with my daughter but couldn't kept going through my head. How could I have the strength to give away the one thing that I had been dreaming of nearly my entire life?

I cried, a cry that hurt my soul to the very depths. I knew I HAD to walk away from all those dreams I had, I had no other choice. I knew that my daughter would have so much more with Lori and Barton but man did it hurt admitting that. I allowed myself to fully cry for about 10 minutes and the realized that what I was giving my daughter through placement was far more than what I would ever give her if I parented. I knew then that I would be doing the BEST thing for my child and I wasn't going to let anyone stop me.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Christmas with HER family

My heart and my head were fighting over whether or not I could really follow through with what I knew I needed to do. I knew that placing my daughter for adoption was the right thing to do. But was I really strong enough to do that? Could I really have a child, spend a little time with her, and then send her on her way (some of my thought processes were a bit messed up)?

Christmas that year was WONDERFUL! I was able to spend so much time with Lori and Barton and their boys. The highlight of Christmas for me was going down town with their family (including Barton's parents and siblings) and seeing the lights at Temple Square. I don't know if Lori and Barton will ever know how special that time was for me. Not only was it special but is was crucial.

Seeing the strong bond that Barton had with his mother and father touched my heart is so many ways. As I watched Barton interact with his parents I could feel the love and respect he had for them. The love that each of Barton's siblings had for me upon first meeting me was something I didn't know I needed. I didn't know how much my own family dynamics would play apart in my placement. I didn't know then that I wanted for my child what I had with my extended family. A friendship and a love that makes the world seem livable. I don't think Barton's siblings will ever know the impact that they had on my life in those few (very cold) hours I spent with them. Those hours ground into my heart the immense love my child would have. Not only from her brothers and parents but from her aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.

I asked for many things that Christmas that I don't even remember if I got. But the one thing that I know I received was the love of complete strangers. Strangers that had accepted me for my mistake and loved me any way. Strangers that showed me love but also showed love for each other. I knew, without a doubt that my unborn child was loved by them. And that soon, she would be the newest member of their family.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Grandfather from HADES

I still got emailed from Branden asking me how I was doing and what was going on with the baby. Most of which I completely ignored. There were a few times where I would let him know how miserably sick I was and that he would be better of not asking me. Never did I think that Branden's grandfather would email me. Not only email me, but berate me through email. I am choosing not to post the full contents of the emails because of the rude, horrible, and hurtful things he said. BUT a few key points....
  • "I can not believe that a religion such as yours (LDS) would encourage you to give your own flesh and blood away to strangers"
  • "I am a strong believe in God's will and you can never tell me or my family that you giving our daughter, granddaughter, and niece away to strangers is God's will."
  • "A man of faith once told me, 'The book of Mormon has answers to any question you may have.' I too am a man of faith and I say to you, GO READ YOUR D*M% BOOK AGAIN!"
  • "Don't think for a minute I will stand by and let you hurt my family as you plan to."
  • "I will take whatever action is needed, even if that means raising the child on my own.
How could anyone think that they knew what was better for my child than me. How could anyone think that making me feel like I was ruining people's lives would help the situation. My response wasn't nice, to say the least.

How dare you email me and tell me things that I don't care to hear. Obviously your family is more dysfunctional than I thought. You need to talk to your grandson before you email me. He doesn't even want the child in the first place. So why don't you get off your high horse and climb a creek and die for all I care. (rude I know but man was I angry) If you think for one second I will let some crazy old man get in the way of giving my child to the family that she belongs to you've got another thing coming. BACK OFF! Email me again and you'll never have a fighting chance of ever seeing this child!

I never did get a response back. I think I made myself clear. But little did I know that my threats would soon be valid and I'd be giving everything I had to make sure this child went where she belonged!

Time to move....

I knew it would come to this... I wasn't ready though. Although I had been very open about my pregnancy with my family I had chosen only a few VERY close friends to tell, a few being my photographer--who also happened to be my best friend at the time (www.lindsayjanestudios.com), and the bishop of the ward that I was in. The ward that we were in at the time was the ward that my mother had grown up in, my grandfather had been bishop and stake president of and I felt that if a lot of people knew I was pregnant, I'd be disgracing my family.

I remember that Sunday morning very clearly. I had popped over night, I wasn't "that" pregnant but I couldn't hide it any more. My clothes weren't fitting me and no amount of "suck and tuck" grandma panties were going to help me. Walking into the church I was desperately trying to "suck in" my stomach but gave up when nothing changed. Almost to the doors of the church my mother turned to me and with a slight glare stated very harshly "SUCK IN YOUR STOMACH!" My heart broke inside. I had hurt my mother and continued to hurt her every day. That was the point that I knew I needed to move. I couldn't stay in the place that my parents called home and embarrass them because of my poor choice. I just didn't know where I would go.

Later that night my prayers were answered by this wonderfully amazing family.
My mothers sister Debbie and her husband Alan. That night Debbie called my mom and dad and let them know that they would be willing to open their home to me. Allow me to live their through the majority of my pregnancy. My dad at first said no because he worried what impact me living there (pregnant) might have on their 3 children. My mom said we'd talk about it. When my mom and dad sat me down and told me what Debbie and Alan had called and told me I almost cried, Heavenly Father had answered my prayers. While I too was concerned about the impact it may have on their three children Debbie let us know that they had already asked their children and that they had, as a family, decided it would be fine.

So I packed up my stuff and the next night moved to Draper. Debbie the Relief Society President, and Alan the just release bishop were WONDERFUL to say the least. Their ward was full of angels who accepted me for who I was not the mistake that I had made. They made me feel welcome and loved, something I thought wouldn't happen in my "condition".

I would still occasionally go up to Layton and spend time with the family, INSIDE. But the freedom that I had in draper was amazing. Debbie and Alan--and their kids--are angels to me, Always will be.

To skip forward a bit (the day of placement) I need to give Debbie more credit where credit is due. It was a Monday--one that I'm sure she could have spent doing other things--, the only day that I was able to spend alone with Ally in my room. I had told family and friends that I didn't want them to come and see me. It was my time with Ally. I told everyone that but Debbie. I wanted, no I needed her there with me. She once again was my angel. She sat with me, cried with me, took pictures of me and Ally, bought clothes for Ally (she had one too many blow outs), and was there when I once again needed her.

I don't know if I would have been able to do what I did if it weren't for my angel family. Every single one of my aunts at one point came to see me and let me know how proud of me they were. They spent time with me, held me when I needed them to, and buoyed up my spirits when no one else could. So to Andrea, Paula, Debbie, Sandra, and Grandma--Thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU!!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

He has to do WHAT?!

As I drove into the agency to talk with Kevin I thought of all the possible "bad" scenario's that could occur. NONE of which is what actually would occur.

I sat down in Kevin's office prepared to fight tooth and nail so that I wouldn't have to have Branden sign the papers.....

Kevin: "Katelyn, in talking with the attorney it looks like Branden is going to have to consent to adoption papers."
Me: "Why? I thought in the state of Utah unless he signed the registry and did all that hull-a-blue the birth mother had the final say."
Kevin: "Well that is true in most cases but because Branden is active duty Airforce he is protected from any legal action being taken against him without his consent and knowledge."
Me: "WHY?!"
Kevin: "There is what's called a Soldiers and Sailors Act. It is great in most cases. However in adoption cases it can really create a problem."
Me: "Is there any way around it?"
Kevin: "If there was we more than likely wouldn't be having this conversation."
Me: "How do I get him to sign them? Do I go to his commanding officer? I can do that if I need to."
Kevin: "No he has to sign the papers willing."
Me: "Well $h!t, that's not going to happen. I can promise you that."
Kevin: "If you really think so we need to start thinking about other choices that you have."

Other choices? I didn't have any other choices. This wasn't my child. I was simply carrying it for Lori and Barton. There had to be some way that I could get him to sign, but how? He had told me he would do everything to stop it and now it looked like it wasn't going very hard for him to stop it.

I felt like Branden really had messed up my entire life. I felt so defeated, abandoned, and utterly alone. I had a plan for my child, one that I knew without a doubt was what needed to happen. How is it that I could feel so strongly about adoption only to be told that it couldn't happen? Why would God put me on such a high only to break me down? It wasn't fair to me or to my child.

On the drive home I cried, harder than I believe I'd cried about anything else. Everything that I had believed would happen in the future had just been torn from me. I couldn't parent. It wasn't what was suppose to happen. I knew that if it were up to God I wouldn't parent. But it wasn't anymore. Branden had complete control over the situation, something that I HATED more than anything.

When I got home I told my mom what Kevin had said. She first said exactly what I said.... We'll call up Dave and have him talk to his commanding office (Dave is a very dear friend of ours who also happens to be very highly ranked in the Airforce) and get everything fixed. When I let her know I had already proposed that to Kevin and it wasn't an option I think she felt as angry as I was. And then it hit me... If I place complete control over this situation in the hands of the Lord he will make sure this child goes where she is suppose to. If I allow the Lord to do his work and control my life as I knew he needed to at the time I wouldn't be parenting. I WOULD be giving this child to her parents.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Fighting words

It's taking me quiet the courage to write this posting today, I don't know why but man has it been hard.

Two days after my first doctor appointment with Lori I got a phone call, that of course I had been dreading. It was Branden. I hadn't emailed him back or answered his calls since the whole I'm going to be a supportive boyfriend thing. I wanted to not answer it but for what ever reason I picked up the phone and said "What do you want?" Rude I know but I just didn't feel like dealing with the drama at that point. He told me he didn't know why I wasn't answering his emails (He sent about one a day that I usually moved into a folder without reading them. I didn't want anything he said to make me question my decision.) but that he was very concerned for me. I laughed to myself thinking, I really doubt you're at all concerned for me. I think my reaction was negative towards him because I sensed I knew what his reaction would be when I informed him that I had chose to place the baby for adoption.

I decided to stop wasting his time, and my sleep and let him know about my decision. The conversation wasn't exactly what I had expected:

Me: "I just thought I should let you know that I've chosen to place the baby for adoption. I decided on a couple and met with them last week. The mom went to my last doctor's appointment with me."
Branden: "I'm not going to allow you to give my child away."
Me: "Pretty sure this is my choice, since I'M PREGNANT"
Branden: "I'll do everything in my power to keep my child."
--side note... right there, those few words were my biggest fear in all of this. I didn't want this to be hard on Lori and Barton. I didn't want them to have to fight for their child after I'd placed with them. And I didn't want to be forced to parent either--
Me: "You can say all you want but I know what is best for my child and that is NEVER seeing you!"
Branden: "Well if you think that is what's best then you are crazier than I thought."
Me: "I guess I am. There isn't anything you can do or say to make me change my mind so don't even try."
Branden: "I won't let you do this!"
Me: BARF!!!! "STAY OUT OF MY LIFE! I'm going to place this baby for adoption and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it."
Branden: "Katelyn I have rights, I will make sure MY baby isn't given to strangers."

As soon as I hung up I started bawling! I didn't need to deal with this right now. I already had enough on my mind. I really didn't want him any where near my child, EVER!

I called my mom and let her know what Branden had said. She told me that I needed to first call the doctor and then call Kevin. I called and made another appointment with the doctor for the following day. Then I called Kevin and told him what Branden had said about fighting the adoption. The next thing Kevin said stopped me dead in my tracks.

Kevin: "Katelyn we need to talk in person but you need to know that I talked to our attorney and it looks like Branden is going to have to agree to the adoption."
Me: "Why?"
Kevin: "We really need to talk in person."
Me: "I'll be there in 20 minutes. I'm not waiting to hear this."
Kevin: "Ok, I'll see you then."

The entire drive to the agency I was angry. Angry that Branden had lied to me. Angry that I was pregnant. Angry that my plan wasn't playing out how I'd like it to (much of my plan about the adoption didn't go as planned actually). But mostly angry that there was even a possibility that someone could take this child away from Lori and Barton. I had already told them, promised them a child. It would be heart breaking and devastating if I couldn't give them this baby. I prayed to Heavenly Father that I'd be able to have the strength to endure whatever challenges may be ahead. I just didn't know at that time how big those challenges would be.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Bishop Meek?

After meeting with Lori and Barton we exchanged numbers and set up another meeting out side of the agency. After getting together I asked Lori if she would like to come to my dr appointment with me. I wanted this to be as much their pregnancy as it was mine. They weren't able with their first 2 adoptions to experience any of it. I wanted Lori to feel as though she was carrying her own child. As we sat in the room waiting for the dr Lori told me how special this was for her. She had never been to the dr for an appointment such as this. My heart broke for her. This woman I already cared deeply for would never know the joy of feeling her child move within her. She would never give birth. She would never breast feed. It was at that moment that I decided that Lori and Barton would be in the room when THEIR child was born.
In walked Dr. Meek and I could see Lori's face change. She then said, "Bishop Meek?" He turned and said "Lori Dale?" Come to find out Dr. Meek was the Bishop that sent Lori on her mission. This wonderful Dr had truly become part of the circle of people that God needed to bring into my life. Through the months to come Dr Meek would play a key role in allowing Lori and Barton to experience my pregnancy full force. Ever appointment that they came to, not only did he let them know how I was doing, but also how the baby was doing. He talked to me many different times about the choice I was making and how strong he thought I was. I will never forget how Dr Meek assured me that he would let the hospital staff know that Lori and Barton were to be treated as equal parts of the process. He even called in, on vacation, when I delivered early to let the staff know. What a great man!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Perfect Meeting

Dear Katelyn-
We cannot express how happy we are at this moment. What a fun way to find out that you have chosen us; with our others we just got a phone call. How cute is this basket of fun baby things. You are so sweet. Thank you.--We just wish so much that we could pick up the phone and call you-or even better-have them tell us you are in the next room and we could just go over and hug you and meet you in person. --They say we can meet face-to-face soon, and we are thrilled about that.
--We met Talaisha and she said we could call you, but she tried and couldn't get you. So we'll continue to try to express our feelings through this letter. We just already love you. -I was at my mom's house when I was talking to Stefanie (our caseworker) so I left our boys with her to come to the Centerville office. We cannot wait to tell our boys. Just yesterday Spencer told us at breakfast that we have got to have more kids come to our family so we can fill up our empty chairs at the table. PLUS just a few days ago we had a couple we didn't know every well over for breakfast on a Sunday morning {SIDE NOTE--This is the SAME Sunday that I prayed about placing with them--end of side note} and Spencer announced to them that we're going to have a new baby come to our family. I was dying inside since they just looked at me like- "Is this true?" Luckily Barton explained things to them. So needless to say, the boys will be ecstatic whether this sweet baby is a boy or a girl. "That is how we feel. We would love either one so much. There are such good things about either one.
Katelyn, you have been in our prayers-of course we didn't know exactly who you were, but we continually prayed that Heavenly Father will help the birth mother who is ours feel that connection. We are just so excited to meet you in person.
You were so kind about us in the letter you wrote us; we want to assure you that we will do all we can to be the best parents that your baby could ever ask for. We loved learning a little about you in the letter, an can't wait to meeting you in person SOON! Sorry if this letter seems jumbled; our minds are just racing with excitement right now.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. As you can imagine ours will be like no other we've ever experienced.
Lori and Barton

Doesn't that just give you chills. I didn't get this later until after I had actually met Lori and Barton. I missed their phone call so after I finished taking care of a few things I called them back. I luckily caught them just in time. I had things I needed to do in Salt Lake so I headed their from Roy. I don't remember the conversation we had on the phone, I only remember pulling up to the agnecy and wondering, how in the world did I get here. I told Lori and Barton... "I have to go, I'll be right there."

I walked into the agency and down the hall and Lori's head peaked out from inside a room, my heart skipped a beat. I was really meeting them. They had no idea I was there when I hung up. That was probably the best few hours that I spent with them. Getting to know more about them, their lives, their personalities. And letting them know more about me, my life and my very stranger personality. We met and vowed that we would see each other soon.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Basket of Thanks

I wished in so many ways that I could tell Lori and Barton about their newest addition in person. However, since I had never met them I needed a way to do it as a surprise. Because I had decided so soon in my pregnancy that I was placing I didn't have "proof" that I would be having a girl. So in their basket I included both baby boy and baby girl things. I remember getting the boy stuff and thinking..."well this is sure a waste of money!"...but I didn't want to promise them something without the proof.
This is the basket that I put together. I also wrote a letter letting them know that I wanted them to adopt my baby and that as I read through their letter I truly felt of the love that they had for eachother and for both of their children.I asked my case worker if I could tell them on Thanksgiving. I mean wouldn't that be the coolest thanksgiving ever.... find out your getting a baby... AWESOME! My case worker however told me that the agency would be closed and they wouldn't have a way of getting the basket to Lori and Barton that day. I settled for the wednesday before. I dropped the basket off in the morning and was told that their case worker would some how get them into the office so that they would be surprised by the basket. Little did their case worker know how hard she was going to have to beg and plead for them to come into the office.

Lori was at home playing with the boys when Steph, their case worker, called them. She told Lori that she would need to talk to both her and Barton. They did a conference call. Steph told them that because of some changes that were being made at the agnecy they would need to come in that day and fill out some extra paper work to get things moved over online. Lori wasn't very happy about that. Her response was... "Can't we do it after the Holiday? We have family in town and would like to be with them tonight" Steph understood but secretly knew that Lori and Barton would really want to come in for their package. She tried her best to not tell them but finally had to say to them... "There is something here that I think you guys would really like to see." Lori immediatly said she would find a sitter for the boys and would be there in no more than 10 minutes. Barton however was still lost. He didn't understand what the big deal was. Lori decided that instead of ruin the surprise for him she would just demand that he leave work immediatly and head to the agency... my kind of woman... He did as he was told. They met at the agency and were over joyed to find out that they would be receiving a baby. They tried to call me but because I was at work I didn't answer the first time. They then wrote me an email. One that to this day I hold dear to my heart.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Week 7 from Heaven

I made many phone calls that Saturday to family and close friends letting them know that I thought I had found the family that I would place the baby with. I asked them all if they would please pray and fast on Sunday (the next day) for me to receive the correct answer to my prayer about my baby. All day on Sunday I clearly felt the love of all my family and friends as I carefully considered the option of Adoption for my child.

I very clearly remember kneeling down in my closet, in front of my full length mirror so I could see my physical reaction to the answers I would receive, and praying to Heavenly Father. I asked him, "Father is this the family for my baby?" and clear as day I heard over my right shoulder a voice that was so familiar I thought at first it was my own earthly Father. "Yes Katelyn. They need your baby girl." I quickly turned to see what was behind me and, of course, nothing.

I knew two things for sure that I have NEVER doubted. I was going to have a girl, I didn't need modern medicine to tell me I was. And the child that I was carrying was meant to come to this earth and be placed in the loving arms of Lori and Barton.

I called my case worker that night and told her that Lori and Barton were the family. She told me she'd place a soft hold on them and we'd talk at our next appointment on Thursday. I told her "This is them. I want to tell them this week that they'll be getting a baby. But them on firm hold." There was no stopping me. My decision was made, although the decision wasn't really mine it was gods. I knew I was acting as his servant to get this infant to her earthly home. My case worker said that if I was completely sure of my choice we would put a firm hold on them. I told her I wouldn't ever change my mind.

I let my parents know that I knew Lori and Barton were the family and of course, they already had the feeling that they were.

In the upcoming days getting a basket of stuff together to let them know I was placing with them would be one of the most gratifying and most heart breaking things. I would be admitting that although I'd always wanted to be a mother, this child I would carry would not be mine. I will never forget walking into the store and buying Ally's first blanket and wondering why the Lord thought I was strong enough to let a child go. Why the Lord thought I was right to bring this child into the world. And then when I would finally meet Lori and Barton, all of my fears and doubts would vanish.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

List of Demands

After I emailed Branden and let him know that I wasn't sure what I wanted I called and made an appointment with Talaisha for the following day. I wanted to know what I should do next if I was going to choose adoption for my child. When I met with Talaisha she told me that I needed to come up with a list of things that I would want in an adoptive couple. It could range from very personal things to strictly physical things. I left the agency with the determination that I was going to imagine up the most PERFECT people in the world. That way when I didn't find their profile I would still parent. Here is the list that I came up with:

The father: needed to be taller than 5'11" but couldn't be shorter than 6'4", needed to have brown hair brownish-green eyes(that is the color Branden had), needed to have served a mission, needed to have at least a 4 year degree, needed to weigh between 150-200 pounds (that's right I even went to weight), needed to hold a calling in the church, needed to be from utah, needed to like doing things outdoors, needed to like horses, needed to have at least one brother of his own.

The mother: needed to be taller than 5'4" but shorter than 5'8", needed to have blonde hair, needed to have blue eyes, needed to be fair to olive complextion, needed to weigh between 140-160 pounds, needed to have served a mission, needed to have at least a 4 year degree, needed to be willing to be a stay at home mom, needed to be from utah, needed to like doing things outdoors, needed to like horses, needed to like scrapbooking, needed to know how to sew, needed to have at least one sister of her own.

I also didn't want them to have any other children. I wanted this to be their first, I wanted this to be special for them.

Can you see how I some what set myself up for failure. I gave a list similar to this to my case worker and let her know if she found anyone that matched this to put them in a list for me to look at, that was Monday.

Thursday I met with her, she had a 3 ring folder full of profiles, I looked through a few and immediatly gave them back, weren't right for me AT ALL! The thrid profile in the binder was a cute couple, only problem was that she wasn't willing to be a stay at home mom.

I turned the page and my heart stopped...

"I recognize these people. Where have I seen them from? How do I know them?" My heart started beating faster and faster. Did someone I personally know need a baby? Did they know that I was pregnant. I couldn't shake the feeling that I knew this cute little family. I had a birth mother support group following my appointment with my case worker, and the entier 2 hours I couldn't get them out of my mind. Was this what it felt like to find a family your child? I didn't think I'd ever find someone so perfect.

I took their profile home and showed them to my mom. She said the exact same thing, "I recognize them from somewhere." Maybe this wasn't the family for my child but someone that we had known from somewhere.

My mom said it would be a good idea to really pray about it and see if they were the family that needed my baby. I did just that in the days to come and would have my answer from God in a way I didn't think I'd ever receive an ansewr.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Bound to Parent

I had made up my mind. I was going to parent and I didn't care what anyone said about it. I emailed the birth father.

I just wanted to let you know that I am keeping this child. It is by the way your child. And you need to be prepared to help me. If you don't I will take you to court for everything you are worth.
Your pregnant EX-girlfriend Katelyn

Nice touch at the end right. Had to make sure he knew that I no longer wanted him in my life that way. His response was something I don't think I was really ready for.

I'm sorry that my reaction was so strong, in a negative direction, about our situation. That is correct I said OUR. I want to support you in your choice to parent. I have asked if I can be re-stationed in Utah so that I can be the man that I'm support to. Start looking for a house! Let me know when your next dr appointment is.
Hoping to be yours,

What do you say to that. I was completely ready to fight for what I believed he should do and now he was ready and willing to help me? How was that possible? Could everything really be working out how I had wanted it to?

I didn't think for two seconds that life with Branden wasn't exactly what I wanted. All I knew was that the father of the baby was in the picture again. HELLO talk about Joy!

I had another appointment with Talaisha and she asked me how my week was. I told her all about how Branden had stepped up and was going to help me. She told me that was great. Then she did something that I didn't expect. She asked me if I could see myself being 100% happy with Branden. You know that thought had never crossed my mind. And honestly I was glad that it hadn't. No I wouldn't be 100% happy with Branden, he wasn't and probably would never believe the same things that I did. He would never be able to give out children a priesthood blessing, he would not be the one to bless our children. He would never take me to the temple. So no I wouldn't be 100% happy with him but did that really matter? Did I have to have everything when I had done a whole lot to mess up my life?

Well Talaisha had done it to me again. Made me second guess the decision that I had come to. Well maybe not Talaisha, maybe...quiet possibly...it was God making me second guess.

After my appointment with Talaisha I emailed Branden.

I don't know if I can be with you. I don't know if I can keep this baby. I don't know a lot of things right now but I do know that I don't want to look at houses.

In a matter of an hour my strong willed opinion of keeping my baby had changed. Maybe I should have NEVER emailed Branden. What if he didn't want me to give the baby away? That quickly became a question that I knew the answer to.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Walking into the agency

I parked as close to the agency doors as I could, that way the walk would be short. Little did I know that parking where I could see the doors would make it so that I emotionally wasn't able to let my physical body get out of the car. I sat in my car, gripping the steering wheel telling myself that no matter what they said I was going to parent. They couldn't convince me to give my baby away. Ten minutes later I finally decided that sitting in my car was doing me no good. So I opened the door, walked to the doors and slowly opened the left one (still to this day, I always go in that left door). I sat down and waited for a case worker. In walked miss tall blonde and beautiful, also known as Talaisha. She walked me down a long hall and into a private room. I wish I could remember everything that she said. I remember her asking me what the birth father had said. I broke down crying. She let me know that I still had option even though Branden didn't want to be involved. She walked me through the finances of everything and let me know how hard single parenting would be. I told her I didn't care how hard it would be, it's my child and I'm going to keep it. Then the words that struck me to the core. "If that's the choice you make Katelyn then I will support you 100%. But why don't you pray about it first."

I felt like saying... pray about it? Seriously! I'm pregnant! You think Heavenly Father is going to listen to a word I have to say? Ya I don't think so. But instead the word "ok" came out of my mouth.

I drove home in a daze. Wondering if praying about this really would help me. I had committed the most horrible of sins and yet I was being told to pray. Would Heavenly Father hear me or would he just shut me out like I felt he would? I didn't know if it was even worth trying but I had told someone I would do something. So I needed to follow through.

When I got home I walked into my parents house, down the stairs and into my bedroom. I was never one for praying on my knees but this time I felt if I was going to pray about it, I better do it the right way. I knelt beside my bed and for the first time in months prayed vocally to my Heavenly Father. My prayer was most unconventional. I asked why I had gotten pregnant when I had done everything right to not get pregnant, birth control and condoms. The thought then struck me, you had sex Katelyn(DUH!). I then asked, "Father, what do I do?" The response was not what I wanted, expected or thought would happen. I had an overwhelming feeling that I was being prayed for by a dear family that needed and wanted my child. I quickly ended my prayer and went for a drive.

As I got in the car I had decided that God was no longer a part of my life. If He, in all his wisdom, thought it best to give my child away I couldn't and wouldn't believe in him. If only I could have seen then what would come in the next few weeks. The grace of God would be with me, and through much prayer and fasting I would again pray vocally.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Call from Iraq

So a bit of background about Ally's birth father, Brandon. He's in the Airforce, we met on myspace (yes I know, STUPID!) and dated for a few months before he was deployed to Iraq. He called me multiple times a day for the first week or so when he was still in transit but once he got into Iraq he let me know he'd only be able to call me once a week. He was able to check his email more often though. I emailed him as soon as I found out I was pregnant and let him know that I had something important that I needed to tell him. I was very worried about what his reaction would be. Because of the time difference he called me around 2 am. I was scared to death to tell him. I didn't know what his reaction would be. I didn't know what he would say about it and I didn't know where he stood on some very important concepts. Because we didn't share the same faith I had no idea how he felt about adoption and about abortion. I quickly found out his stand on both of those things.

The conversation went as follows
Branden: "Hey, you said you had something important to tell me, what's up?"
Me: "Ya I do, I want to make sure first of all that you're alone and that you're sitting down"
Branden: "Well I can't really be alone, this place is like a call center type thing but yes I'm sitting down. Will you just tell me what's going on."
Me: "Ok, I guess you don't have a choice of being alone. I need you to know that I'm pregnant."
Branden: "You're what?"
Me: "I'm pregnant, with child, having your kid!"
Branden: "How do you know it's my kid?"
Me: "Cuz you're the only one I've had sex with"
Branden: "How do I know that?"
Me: "I'm not going to argue about whether or not this is your child while you're on the opposite side of the world."
Branden: "Well then what are you going to do about it?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Branden: "You need to go have an abortion."
Me: "I will NEVER do that!"
Branden: "Well you can't keep it, you'll ruin it."
Me: "Well thank you very much."
Branden: "Well I don't want a kid right now."

Never before in my life have I been so hurt, betrayed, alone, and terrified. I was going to have to do this all on my own. I knew then that I did need to go to the Agency and make sure I had all my facts straight. Branden had made going to the agency a little bit easier. But walking through those doors was one of the hardest things I would do up to that point in my life.
This wasn't the last I'd hear from Branden or the lat time his words would hurt me. Just wait for what he does!

Monday, August 9, 2010

The Talk

You know that feeling when you get somewhere but don't at all remember the ride there.... that's the exact way I felt when I pulled in the driveway to my parents house. I don't remember what I thought the whole way home. I remember pulling in the garage and silently cursing, my mother was already home. Which meant she had time to stew and get good and angry. I didn't really want to hear how I'd messed up my life, thank you those thoughts already occurred to me, or how my mother felt I was a disappointment. I decided I'd get good and defensive and not listen to a word she was going to say. Can you tell I was a teenager?

I walked in the door to find my mother sobbing. Instantly my heart broke. How could I think I had ruined my life? My mother had just learned that her baby girl (I'm the youngest and only girl) had made a mistake so huge that now there was another life involved. How could I have thought I didn't want to hear how much of a disappointment I was? I'd completely and utterly let my mother down. Every dream she had ever had for me was just washed right out the window. I walked over to her and she instantly bear hugged me.

We both cried for a few minutes and then my mom in all her wisdom said "Ok Katelyn, we have two choices here." Once again... two choices? My mom just started talking, making no sense what so ever so I told her to stop talking and think. Her response to that was "I'm trying, it's kind of hard to do right now." Well let me tell you, I completely agreed. My mom decided we needed to get a dr. appointment so we called our good friend and family physician Mike Beus and asked who he's recommend as an OBGYN. He told my mom about a friend of his that had just gotten back from serving as a mission president and was looking to build his practice some. We made an appointment with Dr. Steven Meek for the following day. Little did I know the role Dr Meek would take on in my process.

After that my mom said, "I need to call Kevin now." My response was "Kevin who, and why?" Come to find out Kevin is my mothers fathers twin sisters son (so in reality my mom's cousin). I immediately objected stating "Thanks mom but I would rather not have this go through the family before I tell my own father!" Then she explained that Kevin had just moved back to Utah after living in Virginia for many years. He was the new Adoption Supervisor at the Centerville branch of LDS Family Services. When I learned that my first thought was, Why the H does everyone want me to give this baby away, my second was, NO WAY am I talking to my mothers cousin about this, and the third was, When and how am I going to tell Brandon-the birth father (random I know).

I told my mother I didn't care what she did but I was NOT going to give the baby away. She sat me down and said this to me....
"You have two choices in all of this Katelyn. You either choose to move out, do it all on and learn life the hard way. Or you have the choice of giving this baby to some couple out there that needs and wants a baby. Some one who isn't 18 and who is married and can handle having a kid. Take your pick. But if you pick the first one, your father and I will not be helping. You will do everything on your own. I will babysit occasionally and do the normal Nana things but I am not, let me repeat that. I am not raising another child. I raised 4 kids and I'm going to be a Nana now."

That thought had never crossed my mind, in fact when she said it I got mad. Why would she think that I couldn't do this? Why would she think that I wasn't ready or willing or able to be a mom? Why would she think that the father of the baby wouldn't help? Little did I know what the father would do.

My mom called Kevin and made an appointment for me to come in and talk with him and a case worker in a few days. Those few days would make a world of difference in the choices that I would make down the line.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Two weeks

Two weeks later I went back to that same free clinic in Ogden. Same cute old lady did the test, took me back in the same room to tell me the results. And then these words came out of her mouth... "Congratulations! You're pregnant! How do you plan on telling your husband?" First thoughts through my mind... well my life is screwed... First words out of my mouth... "I'm 18 and NOT married." I don't think I'll ever forget the look on her face, sheer shock and embarrassment. Then... "Well here's a hand out on how to tell your parents" HAHAHA!!! Some lame packet on how to tell my parents was NOT, let me repeat that, NOT going to help me! At that point all I could think was.... My mom is going to kill me. The first person I called was of course my sister-in-law Mary, who had come with me the first time. She told me that everything would work out and that I should more than likely tell my mom, sooner rather than later. Then she told me something that I truly believe was prompted from Heavenly Father. "Katelyn I really think you need to go talk to someone at LDS Family Services." I brushed it off because I knew what that meant, she thought adoption was a good choice for my situation. I hung up with Mary and dialed my mom's number. I sat there for five minutes staring at the phone, praying that she wouldn't kill me. I finally gained the courage to call my mom. She picked up after about the 3rd ring. I was kind of hoping she wouldn't answer and then I could just not tell her. Our conversation goes as follows:
Mom: "Hey Kate what's up"
Me: "Are you sitting down"
Mom: "Ya I'm driving, why?"
Me: "Pull over."
Mom: "Why?"
Me: "Just pull over."
Mom: "ok, what's going on?"
Me: "Mom, I'm pregnant"
Those three words are words you don't want to hear from my mother. They are not good words. As I drove from Ogden to Layton what Mary had said about LDS Family Services kept running through my mind. But being my stubborn self I pushed it aside and told myself that I was keeping this baby, no matter what anyone said. Little did I know the conversation I was about to have with my mother.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The beginning

I honestly and truly believe finding out your pregnant when you aren't in a serious committed relationship is the MOST terrifying thing in the world. I honestly believe I knew from the minute I was pregnant but that pregnancy test is sort of a mandatory in my book. When I first thought I was pregnant I went to my sister-in-law, who I use to go to when I knew I was in trouble, and asked her what to do. She told me about a free clinic in Ogden where I could get a pregnancy test done. I asked if she'd go with me. The next day we went in and I was only slightly relieved to hear that the test was negative. I say I was only slightly relieved because in my heart... I knew I was pregnant. The sweet old lady that told me and my sister-in-law the results said that if in 2 weeks I still hadn't started I should come back for another test. I automatically knew I'd be back.