Thursday, August 26, 2010

Christmas with HER family

My heart and my head were fighting over whether or not I could really follow through with what I knew I needed to do. I knew that placing my daughter for adoption was the right thing to do. But was I really strong enough to do that? Could I really have a child, spend a little time with her, and then send her on her way (some of my thought processes were a bit messed up)?

Christmas that year was WONDERFUL! I was able to spend so much time with Lori and Barton and their boys. The highlight of Christmas for me was going down town with their family (including Barton's parents and siblings) and seeing the lights at Temple Square. I don't know if Lori and Barton will ever know how special that time was for me. Not only was it special but is was crucial.

Seeing the strong bond that Barton had with his mother and father touched my heart is so many ways. As I watched Barton interact with his parents I could feel the love and respect he had for them. The love that each of Barton's siblings had for me upon first meeting me was something I didn't know I needed. I didn't know how much my own family dynamics would play apart in my placement. I didn't know then that I wanted for my child what I had with my extended family. A friendship and a love that makes the world seem livable. I don't think Barton's siblings will ever know the impact that they had on my life in those few (very cold) hours I spent with them. Those hours ground into my heart the immense love my child would have. Not only from her brothers and parents but from her aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.

I asked for many things that Christmas that I don't even remember if I got. But the one thing that I know I received was the love of complete strangers. Strangers that had accepted me for my mistake and loved me any way. Strangers that showed me love but also showed love for each other. I knew, without a doubt that my unborn child was loved by them. And that soon, she would be the newest member of their family.

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