Monday, August 30, 2010

Broken Heart, and Contrite Spirit

I can't explain the relief that I felt handing the signed papers to Kevin. It was like a thousand pound brick was gone that I had been dragging around for months. I knew that with Branden's papers signed the only thing in the way of me placing my baby with her parents would be myself. When I left the agency that day I had a flood of emotions that I didn't exactly know how to feel or even deal with. I felt my heart breaking over the sacrifice I was going to have to make for my daughters well being. But I also knew that it was for her that I was doing it and I would do anything for my children. I knew that in order to do what was being asked of me I would have to turn to the Lord for strength. I found my answer in 2 Nephi chapter 4 verse 32.....

May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my aheart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may bwalk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

I knew that if I continued to live my life as I'd been taught that the Lord would give me strength and carry me through the trials that I had ahead. Trials that at the moment felt all consuming. I didn't know if I could really do what my heart and head were telling me to do. I didn't know if my body would physically allow me to walk away from a dream I had for many many years. The longer I questioned if I had strength I realized that I didn't. I wasn't going to be able to do this one alone like I had so many other things. I needed the help of my savior and I think more importantly of my family.

While I knew that the hardest part of my 9 month journey had not yet come I soon would be faced with everything WAY too quickly!

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