Wednesday, September 28, 2011


I will admit I use to be a GLEEK.... I however have NO desire to EVER watch the show again.... Why?  Because of the HORRIBLE portrayal of adoption on the last episode.  If you've never seen it before it's a musical type show that up until recently has been very interesting in it's portrayal of adoption.

You must understand that Quinn got pregnant by Puck and they choose to place their baby (Beth) for adoption with Shelby.
Shelby is also Rachel's birth mother.  Shelby has attempted multiple times to have a relationship with Rachel.
Rachel, Quinn, and Puck are all member of the Glee club....

I use to love the fact that a birth mother was an adoptive mother (Shelby).  It hit home with me.  I could relate to that... until in this episode she had someone pay her way into the school so that she could be closer to Rachel.  Many times Rachel has stated she isn't ready for a relationship with her birth mother.  As a birth mother if Ally came to me and stated she needed space or wasn't ready... I'D TAKE THE FRICKIN HINT!
It was wonderful to see that Shelby was wanting to have an open adoption with Quinn and Puck as long as they "got their lives in order".  My heart was warmed during the scene when Puck met his birth daughter and stated that he "would do anything to be part of her life."  I wish Ally had that kind of a birth father.... My heart also broke during the scene that Quinn saw a picture of her birth daughter and became very emotional.  I don't know how it would be to go a long period of time without seeing Ally (or seeing pictures).  I can only imagine the pain that my heart would feel.  But then the crap hit the fan....
I just about threw the remote at the TV when in the ending scene Quinn stated she was becoming who she needed to be to please everyone.  And then just about barfed when she said she was going to fight for full custody of the baby she had placed for adoption.  GLEE why do you do this to me?!  Why do you have to spin such a positive and wonderful thing into something that looks so awful.  Yes there is grief that is involved but come on now... the extent they took Quinn to was obscene.
I was utterly disgusted when Sue told Quinn she "lost her kid."  I mean if I was told that at a time while I was struggling with the placement there's no way I'd be able to hold it together.  I just don't know if I can handle watching it any more.


Parenthood has added adoption into their show.  I haven't watched much Parenthood and I'm a bit behind on things but the 2 episodes I did watch I wasn't impressed with what they've shown... First off a main character asked the coffee girl at work (Zoe) if she could have the baby that she was placing for adoption.  And then when Zoe said no she started avoiding her.  REALLY!!!!  come on!!!  The reason Zoe gave was that she wanted a closed adoption and couldn't handle "giving the baby away to someone she knows."  I just wish that once... just once the media could get the terms right.

Birth mothers DO NOT give their babies away.  We place them for adoption, or place them with their parents.  It was horrible how many times adoption language was used incorrectly.  If you're doing a story on adoption... get your facts straight FOX and NBC!

So yes this is all my opinion but I know I'm not the only one..... I'm not the only birth mother that was upset by a few things.  You can read about more HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE

Sunday, September 25, 2011


I am the only girl in my family.... I have 3 OLDER brother who love me dearly!  I know they do because they never have stopped teasing me.  My mom growing up always said, "They tease you because they love you."  I hope it's true! HAHA!
As you can see we're all kinda.... well.... we're quirky.  We have had our differences in the past... we're siblings so I think that's the norm.  We've all made different choices in life as well.  But through everything we've been there for each other.  I know my brothers each have a very unique relationship with me and they are wonderful in their own way.  They also have special relationships with each other.  Getting them together is such a joyous event.  Noone ever stops laughing!  I hope that Cayden and Jaxson have that same relationship.
I know over the years they will have their differences.  Just as me and my brothers did.  But I hope they will have the same kind of relationships that my brothers have with each other.  I hope that adoption is NEVER one of those differences.
I hope Cayden is still able to make Jaxson smile and giggle and laugh til they are old and wrinkly.  I still can't believe how big they are getting!
To the outside world we all grow old.  But not to brothers and sisters.  We know each other as we always were.  We know each other's hearts.  We share private family jokes.  We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.  We live outside the touch of time.  ~Clara Ortega
I can't help but be eternally grateful for the siblings that Ally was blessed with as well.  They've added 1 more since this picture was taken (a little girl who is adorable mind you) but my heart is over joyed that she will have older brothers to love, protect, annoy, and bond with her.  I am further reminded of the wonderful joys that adoption has brought into my life.
And just becuase we got Jaxson's 6 month pictures taken... Isn't he too cute?!  I found this idea on Pintrest and fell in love with it.  My photographer friend Kati was completely on board with the idea.
And while I've considered not sharing my life in the world of adoption a time or two.  However, I continue to feel that I can help others understand all the complex and individual sides of adoption... So comment away if you will.  I would love to know if this is being read or just simply looked over!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Does being sorry matter?

There are 3 things in my past I wish more than anything I could change.  The first one happened the end of my sophomore year of high school. The second one happened in March of 2008 and the third one... well it happened over a period 6 months in 2009.  At the time I felt no regret over my decisions.  I never thought I was in the wrong.  I did what I thought would make the situation at hand better but it ended up creating more of a mess.  Not many of you will know what I'm talking about.  I'm fine with that.  It's something me and my husband have battled our entire marriage.  A trial we faced because of decisions we made.  I prayed for the peace that my husband felt regarding the situation and I NEVER got it.  It wasn't until recently I realized why... It wasn't my peace to feel.  I just have to have the faith that the decision he made in the situation was the right one.  There were people involved who said and did hurtful things, including myself.  With time our (mine and Daniel's) wounds have began to heal... they are still there and will still hurt for a while.  However it wasn't just me and Daniel involved in the situation.  Does she (the other person involved) still hurt? I have no idea.  Has she begun to heal?  I don't know.  Does she understand our hurt over the situation? No.  Do we understand her hurt over the situation? No.  Will there ever be peace between all 3 of us? No (I hope and pray there can be but I don't think there ever will be).  Does me being sorry for things that were said and done really matter?  I don't know that it matters to her... I don't know that she cares.  To me it means I've grown from the mistakes I've made.  I don't know if she will ever read this.  I don't know that she cares what I have to say.  In all honestly that doesn't matter to me.  What matters to me is that I say it out loud for others to know.  I'm truly, deeply, honestly and 100% sorry about how things turned out.  I'm sorry about things that were said.  I'm sorry about how I reacted to things she said.  I'm sorry the situation couldn't have been different.  Simply because I'm sorry doesn't mean I don't know that the situation was what was best for all involved.  I hope that my sorry can maybe begin to heal a wound I caused unintentionally.  I hope that my sorry can help her realize I'm not the person I was 3 years ago.  But even if she doesn't realize that, I'm still sorry.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Feeling CRAZY

I've thought about posting this for a very long time but didn't because I felt like I was the only one that had these feelings.... I wasn't and I'm not.  There are many reasons why I love open adoption but one of the biggest ones is because of the friends I have made.  Friends that I can turn to in times of need and friends that know they can turn to me in times of need.  Today I had a dear friend messaged me with this message...

I am on verge of mental breakdown at every second. I can't stop crying! I heard its like this with your second baby for a lot of that how it was for you!

Oh my gosh!  All I could say was YES!!!!!  I cried more days than I didn't.  The crazy set of emotions came the moment the pregnancy test was positive.  Even though we were trying to get pregnant, had actually been pregnant 3 times before (and miscarried) I was TERRIFIED to tell people.  Most of all my husband.  By this point we had decided that we wouldn't get our hopes up until we made it to 15 weeks... Can I just say 6 weeks to 15 weeks seems like FOREVER!  I was terrified that he's react how Brandon did and want nothing to do with me or tell me the timing was all wrong or something stupid like that.  I had no reason to worry about that because we'd been trying to get pregnant... the timing was perfect but I was still terrified.

Once we hit 15 weeks (and I could carry more than a gallon of milk) a whole new set of emotions came.  Emotions that I wasn't ready for, didn't know what they were, and honestly didn't feel like dealing with.  So I became an emotional basket case!  I would flip out at Daniel when he would try and help me and then I'd start crying because I got angry with him.  I was really sick the majority of my pregnancy and didn't want Daniel to help me at all.  I had done one pregnancy on my own I was determined to do another that way.

More crazy emotions came out when we found out we were having a boy.  I'm not going to go into too much detail because I already did HERE.  After we found out we'd be having a boy I cried for the better part of 2 weeks.  Ok when I say better part of 2 weeks I really mean I cried every day for 2 weeks pretty much solid. When I had FINALLY come to terms with the fact that I'd be having a boy a whole new set of emotions came at me... Something I wasn't at all prepared for....

I realized for the first time EXACTLY what I missed out on with Ally.  I knew when I decided on adoption there would be things I would miss... but it didn't hit me until I was preparing to do all those things with the baby I was currently carrying.  And then everything was made 100 times worse when I would think about the things that I wasn't able to do with Cayden.  I blogged about it HERE.

There were things that happened after Jaxson was born that would send me off the edge.  Things that normally wouldn't have bugged me made me cry for days, like when someone in our family told everyone about Jaxson's blessing and I wasn't able to do that.  I FREAKED out.  Normally I'm sure it wouldn't have been an issue but because I wasn't able to do that for either Cayden or Ally I felt like they had taken something away from me by telling everyone.

And then after dealing with severe health problems and spending the majority of the first 5 months of Jaxson's life either in the hospital or stuck in bed/recliner I realized something.... Something that also brought clarity to my friend.

All of the feelings and emotions that I felt during and after placement were pushed down and out of the way (not in a bad way) and now that I was in some what of a similar situation (the fact that I was pregnant) those feelings came back.  Emotions that I hadn't dealt with or felt in years were coming back full force.

I still have moments where I "hit crazy town" (haha that's what we call it around these parts) but for the most part knowing why I'm emotional about certain things has brought a ton of peace to the situation.  So I hope I'm not only in this.  I hope I'm not the only one that struggled with certain things after placing a baby for adoption.  I hope me sharing this will help other birth mothers deal with the emotions that come along with the wonderful gifts that we give.

I LOVE every minute of Jaxson's life.  I love the gift that I have been given and the peace that has come from him becoming part of our family.  I love the bond that him and Cayden share and the joy that I see in their faces when they interact.  I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have such sweet boys all to myself!  Aren't they adorable?!