Thursday, August 4, 2011

giving more...

I'm putting this out there for all my adoptive families that read this blog.
I'm wanting to give more to Cayden's birth mother.  Back in November (read more here) we felt that it was best to close Cayden's adoption.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  We allowed her a visit on Christmas that affected Cayden in a negative way.  I was reassured that closing the adoption at that time was a good thing.  As the months went on I felt a pull towards Cayden's birth mother.  I felt like she needed the adoption to be semi-open with just pictures and small updates on a blog.  I know that I don't have any right to tell her what she needs so I emailed her and asked her if she would like to see pictures of Cayden.  She said that she would.  So I updated a blog for her.  I got sick so the updates were fewer than  what I would have liked but when I would look at the "stats" on the blog it hadn't ever been looked at.  I got frustrated.  It felt like I was wasting my time.  I decided then that I'd stop worrying so much about her.  I couldn't keep living my life worrying about if Jordan was healing from everything.  I continued to update the blog a couple times a month but wouldn't ever hear anything from her.  I would always initiate the conversation.
I guess I'm rambling here so here is my question.....
Do you ever feel like you want to have more contact with your birth parents?  Do you feel like you want to do more for them but also feel like they don't want you to?
I'm frustrated with my feelings because I've tried to be as open as possible with her and tell her as much as I can but she doesn't ever open up the way you would expect her to.
Maybe I have this desire because I understand the feelings of longing for contact, wanting more, and wondering.  Maybe she doesn't wonder about him like I wonder about ally every day.  Am I crazy or is this normal?