Thursday, August 4, 2011

giving more...

I'm putting this out there for all my adoptive families that read this blog.
I'm wanting to give more to Cayden's birth mother.  Back in November (read more here) we felt that it was best to close Cayden's adoption.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  We allowed her a visit on Christmas that affected Cayden in a negative way.  I was reassured that closing the adoption at that time was a good thing.  As the months went on I felt a pull towards Cayden's birth mother.  I felt like she needed the adoption to be semi-open with just pictures and small updates on a blog.  I know that I don't have any right to tell her what she needs so I emailed her and asked her if she would like to see pictures of Cayden.  She said that she would.  So I updated a blog for her.  I got sick so the updates were fewer than  what I would have liked but when I would look at the "stats" on the blog it hadn't ever been looked at.  I got frustrated.  It felt like I was wasting my time.  I decided then that I'd stop worrying so much about her.  I couldn't keep living my life worrying about if Jordan was healing from everything.  I continued to update the blog a couple times a month but wouldn't ever hear anything from her.  I would always initiate the conversation.
I guess I'm rambling here so here is my question.....
Do you ever feel like you want to have more contact with your birth parents?  Do you feel like you want to do more for them but also feel like they don't want you to?
I'm frustrated with my feelings because I've tried to be as open as possible with her and tell her as much as I can but she doesn't ever open up the way you would expect her to.
Maybe I have this desire because I understand the feelings of longing for contact, wanting more, and wondering.  Maybe she doesn't wonder about him like I wonder about ally every day.  Am I crazy or is this normal?


Stacey said...

My little boy is 11 months now and I am feeling the same way. I have been the one trying to keep it more open but our birth mother has not wanted contact. I don't know what to do. I have tried talking to her and her family but I don't really think they want e-mails and updates. I KNOW she doesn't want contact.

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I love this post... now I know that I am not the only one feeling this way.

Stephanie said...

I'm not sure how I stumbled on to your blog (I was blog hopping) but I wanted to leave a comment and say you are normal! :)I have 4 kids and the younger 2 are adopted and each have different birthmoms. Neither one of my children's birthmoms have very much contact with us (by their choice). One birthmom is on facebook and the other is not. Even though she is on facebook she never talks to me first and I am always the one who contacts her first. When I do contact her she always says how much she thinks about our son. I know that she thinks of him often and loves him but I also think that it is hard for her to contact us and it stirs up emotions she is dealing with. I try to update our blog so when she is ready to see pictures and updates it is there and ready for her. With my daughter's birthmom she is not on our facebook and she does not communicate with us much at all. I text her every so often but I don't usually hear back from her. However I do see that she does look at our blog every couple months or so. Every girl who is a birthmom deals with their grief differently and it is hard to understand sometimes.
I completely understand your feelings of wanting contact with her and worrying about if she is okay. I do the same with our birthmoms. It is hard to want to help them heal but not really be able to do that for them. If I were you I would still post updates to your blog so when the time comes that your child's birthmom is ready to see it, it will be there for her.

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I know when we were first place with our son and his birthmom did not want a lot of contact it was hard. It seems like everyone else who has adopted has these great relationships and seems like they are great friends and like family. It was hard when our situation was not like that... however I have come to learn that my situation is actually more common than the ones who stay close and have regular contact in the months and years after placement.

Good luck to you. I hope things work out for the best for all who are involved.