Closing an Adoption

I NEVER thought I would be the one saying that a closed adoption would be a good situation for a child. But as the weeks have gone on with Cayden acting out and having his asthma attacks I've realized that what is best for my child is not what I feel is best in a classic adoption situation.
For weeks I have questioned if Cayden ever accept the fact that he has a birth mother and a mother. After days like I've been through in the past few weeks I don't know that he ever will. I've done my best to only answer his question about his adoption when he ask them. But he never seems to like the answers that I come up with.

The other day Cayden was angry or sad ALL day. He woke up crying, went down for a nap crying, woke up again crying. Ate his food in tears. Everything he did he cried about. Every time I would ask him why he was crying his answer was short and simple.... "I don't want to have a mommy and a daddy and a birth mom. I only want to have a mommy and a daddy." I told him that "having a mommy and a daddy and a birth mom means that there are more people that love you." That didn't sit well with him.

He would at times ask "Mommy, who is Jordan?" To which my response was either "She's your birth mom" or "You grew in her belly"(the answers that we have ALWAYS given Cayden when he asks about Jordan). But any time he brought her up it would turn into a crying fit, which would become an asthma attack, which would turn into a panic attack and ultimately end in lots of tears and me holding him blowing in his face hoping he'd calm down and breathe.

I don't get it any more. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it. Daniel thinks we just don't answer his questions when they are about Jordan. UM... hello have you met Cayden? If you don't answer his question he only freaks out more and throws a bigger fit. I'm considering taking Cayden in to see a specialist of something because it isn't healthy for him. The things he remembers from his past scare me (they would scare any mother if they had happened to their child) and I wish he could forget them but for some reason, he doesn't. He remembers them with detail that I find astounding. He tells me at times he hurts where he hurt yesterday. When I ask what he's talking about the details always go back to real events that happened over a year ago, some even longer.

I'm worried, I'm not sleeping, and I feel like it's all going to come crashing down some day, some day soon.

A few days ago I asked Cayden why he'd been so "naughty" lately. He responded with something I'd NEVER thought about. Something that breaks my heart as a mother, birth, and adoptive mother. Before I explain any further you need to know what Cayden said. He said, "I don't want Christmas to come. If I'm naughty it won't come." When I asked him why he didn't want Christmas to come (even though he's been telling me every day what he wants for Christmas) you said "Because that's when Jordan comes." My heart broke as I realized how truly traumatized Cayden is right now in his life. At 3 1/2 he doesn't want Christmas to come because he was scared of seeing Jordan. I told Cayden that this year Christmas would just be Mommy and Daddy and Cayden and that he wouldn't have to see anyone that he didn't want to. It's SO sad that he can't think of anything else but negative. It's sad that he's having to deal with emotions that most people don't ever have to, and he's only 3 1/2!

So, we went to talk to his doctor. And as hard as this is for me to say it's something that I know is right and true. Something I've prayed about and finally found peace in. While I will still be open and willing to talk about Jordan with Cayden I've had to realize that an open adoption is not what is healthy and best for him. I tried for the longest time to hold out hope that things would change but I don't know that it will. Having such an open adoption with Ally and having to have a closed adoption with Cayden is VERY hard for me. But it's not me that matters. It's him. I love him more than life and only want what's best for him. So tonight, I hold him a little closer, I sing to him a little more. And share my heart with him like never before.

Jordan (Cayden's birth mother), Cayden, and Me