Monday, November 22, 2010


So as I sat watching these two play I couldn't but think about how extremely different my love is for each of them. I love Ally in a very different way than I love Cayden. I love Ally more like a niece than my daughter, which as I've thought about it is completely healthy for me. I love to see her, hear how she's doing, hear her cute little voice, talk to her about everything that is going on in her life, and just watch her play. But as I sat with her the other day I realized how different my love is for her. Some people may say that it's wrong for me to not feel a "mother's love" for her but I just have to say.... I'm not her mother. Lori is, always has been and always will be, her mother. She knows Lori as her mother and knows me as her birth mother.

I am so blessed to have the relationship I do with Lori and Barton. As I was in their home Lori asked Ally who's belly she grew in. Ally didn't even hesitate to point to mine and smile. Would I feel the way I do about adoption if it weren't for Lori and Barton, I don't know. But even bigger blessings have come through Lori, blessings she doesn't even know of.

When Cayden and I got home from visiting with Ally Cayden came up to me, took my face in his sweet little hands, looked into my eyes and said "I grew in Jordan's belly huh mommy?" I couldn't help but smile and say "Yes, you did." Then he said something that I thought wouldn't happen for a LONG time. He said "She's my birth mom huh?!" I was brought to tears and simply nodded my head when he continued and said "That means she loves me alot huh?" I said "Yes" and Cayden got the biggest smile on his face and said, "I like having a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom." I sat and hugged Cayden for as long as he would let me. I can't help but think of the blessing that Lori was in this situation.

Before a few days ago the mention of a birth mom would throw Cayden into an asthma attack but after playing and visiting with other children that have a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom he's become more "ok" with the situation. I don't know if I had more of a closed adoption with Ally if Cayden would have "come to terms" with his "situation" as soon as he did.

So while I love Ally differently than I love Cayden... I can't help but feel extremely blessed to have them both in my life!


Laura said...

I have asked the birth mother of our son how she thinks of our boy and she told me that she loves him like a little brother or a cousin. I seriously thought that she was just telling me that for something to hear.
However, after reading this part of your blog I know that what she told me is true. Doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings for him....doesn't mean she doesn't think of him at all...her love is just different. Thanks!

Shaw Family said...

Laura, I'm so glad that you've been able to be "blessed" in some way by my blog. That is the whole point of why I share! So thank you for sharing that with me!