Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I was wrong

So I may have done some things wrong in my adoption experience with Ally... things that I look back on now and wonder if I could change would I. I don't know. It's been just over 4 years since I found out I was pregnant with Ally. Almost 4 years since I told Lori and Barton I would be placing my baby with them. And almost 4 years since I last talked to Branden. But in those 4 years I have to admit I've thought about him often. I've wondered if he's happy and how he's doing. But most of all I've thought about how he relates in such a big part to my life. I've wondered if I regret some of the things I said to Branden when I was pregnant. And while I admit, up until a year ago you couldn't have paid me to say yes, I am truly sorry for the way I handled the situation.

There is a large part of me that wishes Branden would have reacted differently when I expressed my desire to place Ally for adoption. But at the same time, I wonder if his "support" in the situation would have made the decision I made even more difficult. But no matter how difficult it would have made things for me, I know I was wrong. He should have been there at my doctor appointments and check-ups. He should have been there when I went into early labor because of the car accident. He should have been there to worry just as I did when she wasn't breathing at birth. He should have been able to hold her before he had to say good-bye and not after.

There is never any way for me to undo the past and honestly I don't think I would. While I do have regrets about how I handled the situation in regard to Branden I truly believe that had things been differently Ally would not have gotten to where she needed to be on this earth. So while I'm sorry for the things I said and did I believe that I personally needed the situation to be how it was so that I could force myself to have the strength to do what I needed to do.

I have wondered many times if he ever thinks about her like I do. And so because I know my choices had an effect on him that he had very little control over I wanted to offer my memory to him. If he ever wondered what it was like when she was born, I'm willing to share. If he ever wondered what my pregnancy was like, I'm willing to share. If he ever wondered anything and I have the answer, I'm willing to share.

And while I know this doesn't change the past I guess I hope it will ease any pain I may have caused him.

Branden with his 2 daughters

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