Handling an Open Adoption

I've been asked many times "'How do you make an open adoption work without stepping on toes?"  Years ago I decided that I would allow the adoption to be run by Lori and Barton.  As open as they wanted things would be as open as I was ok having them.  So far that has worked for me.  HOWEVER I know that my mentality doesn't work for everyone.  I know that for some birth mothers they fear that the adoption will at some point close and they will have no control over that.  They fear that it will break them and they will be heart broken.  I believe those fears are very real fears.  They are sometimes very hard to deal with.

How can adoptive parents and birth parents come to an agreement before placement that will make it so that both parties are comfortable with how open the adoption is.  Really it's simple.  It's a funnel system that has worked for me and has worked for many other adoptive couples.  It's really simple in theory and works wonders.

Before placement (I recommend before the baby is even born) the birth mother needs to sit down and write down as CLOSED as she feels she could handle the adoption.  Be very specific and don't leave out things you feel are "small" details.

For example I feel that as closed as I could handle would be 1 visit a year with pictures at least once every 6 months.

Before placement the adoptive couple needs to sit down and write down as OPEN as they feel they could handle the adoption.  Again be very specific and don't leave things out that you feel "aren't a big deal" now because in the future they may become a big deal.

For example maybe the couple and birth mother live close to each other so something they put down is that the birth mother is welcome to visit but needs to let the couple know at least 2 hours before she comes over (no "surprise" visits).  Things like that.  If the couple and birth mother live far away something they put down may be that when the birth mother visits she can stay with them in their home for 4 days but that more than that amount of time wouldn't be appropriate.  Does that make sense?

Then once both the birth mother and adoptive couple get their list written you need to meet with a case worker or counselor to hash things out.  The key is to meet in the middle.  Write down your agreement on paper (not that it's legally binding or anything but I think when things are written on paper they feel more "real").  A big part of this is honesty.  In order for this to really work you as a birth mother have to be honest with the adoptive couple and not worry about hurting their feelings by you wanting more contact than what they feel comfortable with.  And as an adoptive couple you also have to not worry about the birth mothers feelings.  Being real with your own feelings is a huge part of this.  If you aren't open and honest up front it won't work.  You'll start doing visits and you'll be uncomfortable and then that is when things will fall apart.

Use the agreement for 6 months and then go back and readdress it.  Make sure that you as a birth mother is open about how the contact has been affecting you.  When I say be open that DOES NOT mean you need to tell the adoptive couple how hard adoption is or how hard of a time you are having.  By simply saying "I've had a few hard days but I know my decision was right." that lets the couple know that you are grieving and you have pain but you aren't taking that pain out on them.  Also make sure as an adoptive couple you are open about how the contact is affecting you and your family.

It may be after 6 months you are ready for more contact and feel that it has been good for you and your family.  You need to be open about that.  If it hasn't been good for you.... SAY IT!!!!  Not being open about your feelings will only lead to problems down the road.

I believe (and this is from experience) that if you as a birth family and adoptive family talk every 6 months with a case worker or counselor about how the contact has been going and set new boundaries it will only make the relationship stronger.

After all this I know that EVERY situation is different and some things that have worked for me won't work for others but I truly believe that this funnel system allows for the best communication between birth family and adoptive family.

I'm willing to answer questions that you may have. ask away and share away.

I am NOT her mother.....

A dear friend of mine (J) recently made a mormon.org profile.  I love that girl and love that she opened up about her adoption experience (she's a birth mother to JJ) and made a profile.  In her profile she stated that she was a first time mom.  Someone read that and well they thought it would be a good idea to flat out attack my friend.

M stated HERE in her wonderful attack on J:
You say you are a first-time mom to your SECOND born child because you gave the first one away. http://mormon.org/xxxxxxxx. Now, I am not a swearing woman, but WHAT IN THE HELL are you smoking? Are you so intoxicated on the adoption Kool-aid that it runs icy cold through your veins instead of real blood? Is your heart so beyond feeling that you cannot for ONE MOMENT realize the damage your careless attitude and words will cause your TRUE first born child? What kind of mental-gymnastics did you have to go through to come up with this idea or was it something your counselor from LDSFS put into your pretty little head?


Well dear M.... SHE IS A FIRST TIME MOM!  It is my belief and many other people's belief that simply because you give birth to a child does not make you their mother.  Simply because JJ grew in J's womb does not make her JJ's mother.  A mother can be a woman other than the biological parent, especially if she fulfills the main social role in raising the child.  In fact if you go to wikipedia the first definition of mother is.... "a woman who has raised a child."  So M since you have your panties in such a bind that they are clearly spewing out of your mouth why don't you take on society because society is who has put that definition out there.  Society is the one you should be flat out attacking.  They also believe that a mother is the woman who raises the child.  Which in J's case would be the adoptive mother.

J is a first time mom just as I was a first time mom when I became Cayden's mother.  Get off your sad sorry horse and realize that it's not that J is thoughtless or heartless it is that she has respect for JJ's mother.  Having respect for her means that she wouldn't claim the label that RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO ANOTHER WOMAN.  A woman that she trusted to raise and love the baby girl she brought into this world.  The woman that she wanted to be JJ's mother.

Just as J isn't JJ's mother I am not Ally's mother.  I didn't fully realize this until after a visit with Cayden and Ally.  I realized then that I loved Ally differently than I loved Cayden.  And you know there is NOTHING wrong with that because Ally has a mother that loves her, and cares for her.  She has a mother that she runs to when her feelings are hurt, she has a mother that calms her fears and tucks in her at night.  I remember the visit when I realized that my feelings were different about Cayden and Ally.  For a little bit I thought I was wrong to feel differently about them.  That was until I realized that I was right.  Ally wasn't my daughter and Cayden was my son.  I should feel differently toward Cayden because I am the one that he runs to for love, I am the one that clams his fears and tucks him in at night.  My blog post about my feelings can be read HERE.

So again M.... You have no right to attack J in such a way nor do you have a right to say that she isn't a first time mom.  She in fact as the definition set by society is a first time mom!

Agency

Today's blog post is going to more spiritual.  I have my reasons for this.  Mostly because I think I need to be reminded of it.  Over the last few weeks some of my family members have been deeply affected by someone else's agency.  One of my cousins brother-in-law took his own life just before Halloween.  A week later a young man in the same ward also took his own life.  I found out yesterday another one of my cousins had a friend take their own life this last week.  As I was thinking about how tragic all of their choices were I was further reminded of my own choices... My own agency.

I will NEVER forget the look my mother gave me as I walked in the door after I told my mom I was pregnant.  My choices had a HUGE impact on her life.  I didn't realize it at the time.  In fact I didn't realize the full impact it had until this event years after placement actually happened.

Do any of us realize the full force our choices can and have made on our loved ones?  Do we stop to consider how hurtful they could be.

In May 1975 ELDER DELBERT L. STAPLEY said....
"As sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, we have this gift of free agency to use in our mortal lives. We must be tried, tested, and proved to see if we will choose the right and do all things whatsoever the Lord our God shall command us. As spirit children of God, we have built-in powers of conscience sufficient to develop our free agency in right choices and to acquire qualities of goodness, humility, and integrity of purpose."

While agency can be a great and wonderful thing.  It can be hurtful and hard.  It can make good people do stupid and hurtful things.  It can make the best people look vile.  When agency isn't used for good it can ruin lives.

The Liahona Magazine put out an article called The Fulness of the Gospel: Agency in it it stated

"When we use our agency to choose righteousness, God not only blesses us, but our agency is strengthened and enhanced. When our Heavenly Father sees that He can trust us to make correct decisions, He does as any loving parent would do: He blesses us with new opportunities and more responsibility. Thus, if we use our agency wisely, the possibilities for doing good and blessing others become infinite. Obedience always leads to greater agency and increasing possibilities. It is sin that shrinks our options."

While the choices that led up to Ally were poor and wrong I feel like for my situation I made the best possible decision. I used my agency to do what I felt was best for Ally.  While I know Branden didn't and still doesn't agree with my decision I feel he knew in his heart it was what HAD to happen.

Agency is a wonderfully cursed thing.  I have had days were I wish we didn't have it.  Nights when Cayden wakes up screaming for me to save him I wish more than anything someone else's agency hadn't caused him the pain in the past.  But we have it... It's a great thing... We must as human beings use our agency for the betterment of man.

missing them...

This is something I've never blogged about and never really thought it was common to feel.  But when I read this blog post HERE I realized that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

When I first met Lori and Barton the connection was immediate.  We quickly became friends.  I was pregnant during the holidays and even spent time with their extended families at temple square (you can read that post HERE).  I would frequently text Lori during the week telling her how I was doing and asking what they were doing.  I spent time with their oldest boys and connected with their family.  I didn't really expect much to change after placement and was a bit shocked when it did.

After placement I felt an ache that was different than the one that I felt for Ally.  I felt an ache for 2 people who had become my rock through everything.  2 people who had been by my side through all of the trials through my unplanned pregnancy.  I met Lori and Barton almost 5 years ago this November (wow I can't believe it's been that long).  Lori wouldn't randomly text me throughout the day to ask how I was doing.  I missed that more than I thought I would.  I thought of them as my best friends through my pregnancy and it was like the dropped off the face of the planet after placement.  I don't blame them at all.  They had a new baby to bond with, and 2 boys that needed their attention too.  I just think that NOONE prepared me for that.  I had been told that things may be different but I don't think ANYONE expected me to miss them so deeply.  I cried many days because I felt alone in a way I hadn't ever through my pregnancy.

Lori and Barton didn't understand my feelings and they had their own feelings.  When I wanted to talk to them about things I couldn't because I felt like if I expressed my pain over the situation they would feel like I had regret over my decision.  And maybe if they thought I felt regret they would cut contact and close the adoption.  That was the last thing that I wanted.  I felt like I couldn't be open with them about my feelings and I wish more than anything someone had told me to talk about my feelings.  Let them know that I missed them.  Tell them that they mean the world to you and you still need their support.

As an adoptive mother I will do anything for Cayden's birth mother.  If she ever needed my support I would be there for her.  I believe that Lori and Barton feel the same for me.  I feel like they would be willing to help me if need be.  So my advice, my words of wisdom would be... talk with the couple.  If you know them well enough to miss them, express that to them.  Let them know it's not regret of the decision you made but that it's a longing for their friendship that you miss.

Lori and Barton seeing Ally for the first time.

From an outsider

I had this great idea the other day... Ask an outsider what my placement was like.  The only outsider there was my wonderful photography friend Lindsay (owner of  Lindsay Jane Studios).  

Todd, Luke, Josh, Lindsay

I met Lindsay in the ward I was going to.  We were team teachers for the sunbeams (4-5 year olds), and visiting teaching companions.  She lived across the street from my parents.  We became friends.  When I was pregnant she was kind enough to take these maternity pictures for me. These were taken on valentines day.  It sure made my day better.  

In preparing for my hospital stay I asked Lindsay if she would be willing to be in the delivery room and in the room for placement.  I knew I wouldn't really remember everything like I wanted to so I thought having pictures of it would help. ALL of the pictures of placement were taken by her.  I am forever and eternally grateful for the gift she gave me.  So without further ado here is the Q&A session between me and her about placement.  If there are any other questions you would like me to ask her feel free to leave them in the comments....

Q: After you heard I was planning on placing Ally for adoption what was your initial reaction?

A: I was happy because I knew how devastated you were when you first found out you were pregnant. You were so young and I know how important it is to be raised in a family with both a mother and a father. I was glad to know that you felt good about your decision. It was also very scary because I think that would absolutely be the hardest thing in the world to do.

Q: What was it like to photograph Ally's birth with Lori and Barton there?

A: I was honored to be asked to take the pictures of Ally's birth and placement. Lori and Barton are wonderful people and I could tell that you already had a good relationship with them. It didn't bother me at all, and made for great photos of Lori and Barton seeing Ally for the first time.

Q: What were your thoughts on Lori and Barton being in the delivery room?

A: I thought it was completely normal since you already had a relationship with them. I thought that it was a beautiful gift you gave them by allowing them to be there in that moment. It didn't feel awkward at all.

Q: What was the hardest part about placement for you?

A: The moment when you actually handed Ally over to Lori. I was already crying throughout the process, but at that moment, I lost it. There were so many opposing emotions in the room. I could feel the pain that you and your family was feeling, and at the same time, feel the joy that was about to be Lori and Barton's.

Q: From a somewhat outsiders point of view, how did my placement affect your view/opinion of adoption?

A: This was the first time that I had been close to someone involved in adoption. I think it is such a beautiful thing looking at it from the perspective of the adoptive parents. It took me 13 months to get pregnant with my first child, and at that time, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to have children. Knowing that if all else failed with getting pregnant, that adoption is there as an option was a comfort to me. I have an enormous amount of respect for girls who carry a child for 9 months and lovingly give them a home with 2 mature parents who can love and take care of that child. I absolutely don't think I could do it.

Q: What is the most memorable moment from placement?

A: Again, the most memorable moment is the hardest moment, but when you handed Ally to Lori and embraced each other. The room was so thick with emotion and was very overwhelming. There was beautiful moment right before I left when I looked back and saw Lori and Barton holding their baby girl with such gratitude.

Q: Has being at my placement impacted you when it comes to being a mother?

A: The main thing that it does to me now that I am a mother to two boys, is that I now know how you feel about that baby girl. I know what it feels like to fall in love with your child the moment he/she is born and it gives me more of an insight into the pain and grief that you must have felt when you did what you did. I admire your courage and strength and love for Ally to place her with such a wonderful family who loves her as much as you do. Thank you again for allowing me to be a part of that moment in your life.

Todd and Lindsay both played a HUGE part in my adoption story.  They may not know it but they were huge supporters of me all along the way.  I'll never be able to fully thank them for the support they gave me over the years.

Brothers

I am the only girl in my family.... I have 3 OLDER brother who love me dearly!  I know they do because they never have stopped teasing me.  My mom growing up always said, "They tease you because they love you."  I hope it's true! HAHA!

As you can see we're all kinda.... well.... we're quirky.  We have had our differences in the past... we're siblings so I think that's the norm.  We've all made different choices in life as well.  But through everything we've been there for each other.  I know my brothers each have a very unique relationship with me and they are wonderful in their own way.  They also have special relationships with each other.  Getting them together is such a joyous event.  Noone ever stops laughing!  I hope that Cayden and Jaxson have that same relationship.

I know over the years they will have their differences.  Just as me and my brothers did.  But I hope they will have the same kind of relationships that my brothers have with each other.  I hope that adoption is NEVER one of those differences.

I hope Cayden is still able to make Jaxson smile and giggle and laugh til they are old and wrinkly.  I still can't believe how big they are getting!

To the outside world we all grow old.  But not to brothers and sisters.  We know each other as we always were.  We know each other's hearts.  We share private family jokes.  We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.  We live outside the touch of time.  ~Clara Ortega

I can't help but be eternally grateful for the siblings that Ally was blessed with as well.  They've added 1 more since this picture was taken (a little girl who is adorable mind you) but my heart is over joyed that she will have older brothers to love, protect, annoy, and bond with her.  I am further reminded of the wonderful joys that adoption has brought into my life.

And just becuase we got Jaxson's 6 month pictures taken... Isn't he too cute?!  I found this idea on Pintrest and fell in love with it.  My photographer friend Kati was completely on board with the idea.

And while I've considered not sharing my life in the world of adoption a time or two.  However, I continue to feel that I can help others understand all the complex and individual sides of adoption... So comment away if you will.  I would love to know if this is being read or just simply looked over!

Feeling CRAZY

I've thought about posting this for a very long time but didn't because I felt like I was the only one that had these feelings.... I wasn't and I'm not.  There are many reasons why I love open adoption but one of the biggest ones is because of the friends I have made.  Friends that I can turn to in times of need and friends that know they can turn to me in times of need.  Today I had a dear friend messaged me with this message...

I am on verge of mental breakdown at every second. I can't stop crying! I heard its like this with your second baby for a lot of people...is that how it was for you!

Oh my gosh!  All I could say was YES!!!!!  I cried more days than I didn't.  The crazy set of emotions came the moment the pregnancy test was positive.  Even though we were trying to get pregnant, had actually been pregnant 3 times before (and miscarried) I was TERRIFIED to tell people.  Most of all my husband.  By this point we had decided that we wouldn't get our hopes up until we made it to 15 weeks... Can I just say 6 weeks to 15 weeks seems like FOREVER!  I was terrified that he's react how Brandon did and want nothing to do with me or tell me the timing was all wrong or something stupid like that.  I had no reason to worry about that because we'd been trying to get pregnant... the timing was perfect but I was still terrified.

Once we hit 15 weeks (and I could carry more than a gallon of milk) a whole new set of emotions came.  Emotions that I wasn't ready for, didn't know what they were, and honestly didn't feel like dealing with.  So I became an emotional basket case!  I would flip out at Daniel when he would try and help me and then I'd start crying because I got angry with him.  I was really sick the majority of my pregnancy and didn't want Daniel to help me at all.  I had done one pregnancy on my own I was determined to do another that way.

More crazy emotions came out when we found out we were having a boy.  I'm not going to go into too much detail because I already did HERE.  After we found out we'd be having a boy I cried for the better part of 2 weeks.  Ok when I say better part of 2 weeks I really mean I cried every day for 2 weeks pretty much solid. When I had FINALLY come to terms with the fact that I'd be having a boy a whole new set of emotions came at me... Something I wasn't at all prepared for....

I realized for the first time EXACTLY what I missed out on with Ally.  I knew when I decided on adoption there would be things I would miss... but it didn't hit me until I was preparing to do all those things with the baby I was currently carrying.  And then everything was made 100 times worse when I would think about the things that I wasn't able to do with Cayden.  I blogged about it HERE.

There were things that happened after Jaxson was born that would send me off the edge.  Things that normally wouldn't have bugged me made me cry for days, like when someone in our family told everyone about Jaxson's blessing and I wasn't able to do that.  I FREAKED out.  Normally I'm sure it wouldn't have been an issue but because I wasn't able to do that for either Cayden or Ally I felt like they had taken something away from me by telling everyone.

And then after dealing with severe health problems and spending the majority of the first 5 months of Jaxson's life either in the hospital or stuck in bed/recliner I realized something.... Something that also brought clarity to my friend.

All of the feelings and emotions that I felt during and after placement were pushed down and out of the way (not in a bad way) and now that I was in some what of a similar situation (the fact that I was pregnant) those feelings came back.  Emotions that I hadn't dealt with or felt in years were coming back full force.

I still have moments where I "hit crazy town" (haha that's what we call it around these parts) but for the most part knowing why I'm emotional about certain things has brought a ton of peace to the situation.  So I hope I'm not only in this.  I hope I'm not the only one that struggled with certain things after placing a baby for adoption.  I hope me sharing this will help other birth mothers deal with the emotions that come along with the wonderful gifts that we give.

I LOVE every minute of Jaxson's life.  I love the gift that I have been given and the peace that has come from him becoming part of our family.  I love the bond that him and Cayden share and the joy that I see in their faces when they interact.  I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have such sweet boys all to myself!  Aren't they adorable?!

Birth Grandparents

I was able to attend a Michael McLean concert in May put on by LDSFS.  It was very eye opening for me.  I learned so much about myself but I learned even more about my parents.  I was blessed to sit next to my dear friend Rachel and her AMAZING parents Rick and Kathy (truly love these people to death and I love spending Saturday's at their home in WY).  There was a part in the concert where Micheal McLean started talking about his grandchild.  He told about when his first grandchild was born he had a real awakening for what birth grandparents go through.  It was through the words that he spoke that my eyes were opened to the pain my decisions in life have put my parents though.  The decision of adoption was right, true, and perfect for me and the situation.  That doesn't mean that it didn't come with emotions, complications, and heart ache.

In the book From God's Arms To My Arms To Yours by Michael McLean there is a section called "The Others"  It says....

"When a birth mother makes the hard decision that her child is meant to be in another home, it affects more people more deeply than she could ever imagine.  Not only is a birth father having to face letting go of this child, but everyone else in their extended families is too: aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.  And though the families may support and even be proud of the choice, it's still hard, especially for the grand parents.  It means letting go of all the memories they expected to make together--trips to the cabin, cookie-baking sessions, sleepovers, spoiling and applauding and loving.  Grandparents have a special place in their hearts dedicated to giving their grandchildren everything they want.  It takes true courage and the truest kind of love to be willing to give them everything they need.  "

The song called 'Hardest for Me' was written with birth grandparents in mind.  It's a song that truly touches my heart....

I'd start this out saying that my heart is breaking.  But that wouldn't truly convey the depth of my feeling.  It's no use concealing the things I don't know how to say.  You'll be leaving and I'll be grieving a dream that never will be.  It's a hard test when what's best for you is hardest for me.  When this decision made such a revision.  In plans I held tightly before.  My fear was that it wasn't clear to me giving you up was really giving you more. 'Cause anyone loving you more than I already do was hard to believe.  It's a hard test when what's best for you is hardest for me.  Its' a taste of the bitter that lets us know better.  Why one suffered in Gethsemane.  It's a hard test when what's best for you is what's hardest for me.

As I sat there next to Kathy, Rachel and Rick I realized the true sacrifice that my parents had made.  The sacrifice that all birth grandparents make.  Until that moment I didn't truly understand the tears that were shed in the hospital by my family members, especially my parents.  For the longest time I believed that the tears my parents shed the day of placement were because I was in pain.  I think I believed that because if I truly knew the reason of their tears it would have torn me in two.  I still cry when I think about it to this day.  Yes my mother and father were shedding a few tears for the pain that I was dealing with but the majority of their tears was because of their own pain.  The pain of loosing a grandchild.  

My mother has said that the best thing in the world is being a Nana.  She is the best Nana that my son's could ever ask for.  She does everything she possibly can for them and loves them to no end.  She never skipped a beat when Cayden joined our family.  They had an instant connection.  Her love for him never changed, it's been there from the beginning.  She's ALWAYS been his Nana.  When I see the joy she brings into my son's lives I sometimes get a little heart sick for the loss that she must have felt.

But I always remember that although there was loss there was also great joy.

This is only 1 of Ally's AMAZING grandparents but having met them all I can say that they are ALL incredible people.  The joy that they bring to Ally is exactly what makes the hard choice all worth it.  The smiles, hugs, and laughter that they share with their grandchildren is an astounding blessing.  Without the miracle of adoption they wouldn't have the grandchildren they do.  It's amazing the love that can shine through a grandmothers smile.  It's amazing the love that comes along with adoption.

  

I wonder

I was able to visit with Ally today.  I spent part of the morning at her house watching her and Cayden run around the back yard and play together while I talked with Lori.  It was joy I tell you, pure joy.  And as I was talking to Lori I wondered if the relationship that I have with them will ever fade.  I asked Lori her thoughts on the matter, because frankly she's like my best friend and I tell her everything, and was some what relieved and yet surprised by her answer.  "Yes I think with time the contact will lessen, but that's ok."  Part of me believes that too.  As my life continues, as my family grows, and as their lives continue I believe the contact will diminish.  Am I ok with that? I think I am.  I LOVE having an open adoption and I know that if the contact does diminish that at any point in time I could talk to them about it and make a change if I wanted to.  I'm grateful for the relationship I have with them.  There are days where I hold onto every ounce of that relationship to get me through the day.  But those days are become fewer and father between and I'm becoming more myself without them.  It's wonderful how our relationship is now.  I cherish the friendship that I have with every member of their family.  I love that I can ask Lori personal questions and know that she understand me.  I truly believe we met before this life and have been reunited through the joy of adoption.  More than anything I love that I'm not tied down to anything.  I can progress and change and it's a good thing.  I can move forward with my life.  Some people may say that I'm forgetting my child, that I'm being a horrible mother for being ok with that.  Some people may think that because I am ok with the contact diminishing that I don't care for Ally.  Those people are wrong.  I will always and forever care for that little girl.  She holds a piece of my heart that will never be touched by another living soul.  But because I care that doesn't mean I have to continue to live stagnant in my life.  I love the relationship that I have with the adoptive couple and I wouldn't change how it is.... right now.  Time will change it.  And I have to be ok with that.

Robby, Ally, and Jaxson.  Cayden refused to be in the picture the stink head!

The reason

A friend of mine sent me an email today, she will be called J bird in this post (I can't thank her enough for that email).  She told me that she was "thinking out loud" and it may not make sense but that she thought that maybe the reason this year was hard for me was because... I'm going to put it in her words because it makes me laugh because it's exactly how she would said it.... "you have your own son that you birthed?"  She was some what right.  I spent most of the day in tears and the rest of the time thinking about why I had been crying.  Around the time J bird (I just can't get over how perfect the timing was... she must have been inspired) emailed me I realized something.  The reason I've had such a hard time this year was because I have a greater understanding of what I've really missed out on in Ally's life.   Last year was hard because I felt like I hadn't been able to do the baby things with Cayden.  This year I think it's so hard because I know how great it is and I couldn't do it.

I hated admitting defeat when it came to Ally. I hated admitting that I couldn't do it alone when that was the one thing I wanted to do most. I further hate that I couldn't do it with Branden, not because I was in love with him (because I've realized that I wasn't at all) but because he is her birth father and the person that I should have done that with.

I am so blessed to have Cayden and Jaxson in my life and I wouldn't if I had parented Ally.  I know the path that I am on is the right one but that doesn't mean that the choices I've made to be on this path have been easy.

J bird also said "I don't expect or I don't think anyone should expect you to get over your adoption placement easily or fast. I seriously could not imagine doing it. I bet it is hard. If it takes 10 more years, let it. One day you'll be happy but if it takes long, then you'll be fine. I couldn't imagine getting over something that hard that fast."  I realize reading back my post sounds harsh in the fact that I feel like I should be over this.  I guess the reason I feel that way is because I've moved on with my life. I have a family of my own, my life is going great and I just can't seem to get past it. It's rather frustrating at times. I also think I should be over this because I've known since day one that it was right. I've known all along that Ally wasn't mine to keep. It's hard to know that and yet feel like I've missed out in some way.  I feel like I don't have a right to feel like I missed out.  It's a strange feeling really.

But at the end of the day what I've realized is that the longing feeling that I have inside my heart is for this....

My baby Ally.  The little angel that I held for 4 days.  That I was privileged enough to be able to bring into this world and give to her parents.  It is that brand new, straight from the womb baby that I miss.  And I'll never get that baby back.  So I'll deal with the feelings that I have and continue to pray for peace and comfort.  It will come, it always does.

Sad vs Angry

Remember this post HERE where I was really struggling with things last year on Ally's birthday.  I thought for sure this year would be better.  I thought I'd be happy with how things were going and I wouldn't have to deal with any issues from placement.  Man was I wrong.  The only difference is that this year I'm not sad, I'm angry.  Angry at what though.  I don't know.  I can't tell you that I'm angry I placed her for adoption because I'm not.  I've never been more proud of that decision.  I've never been more sure of that decision.  I've tried to talk to my husband about things but he just keeps saying "It's been 4 years shouldn't you be over this by now."  That statement just makes me even more angry because I think the exact same thing.  It's been 4 years shouldn't I be over this by now.  But that's the thing.  I am over this.  I have moved on with my life.  I have my own family, a new baby, a very active 4 year old so why can't I just have an easy year!  It's so frustrating, it's maddening...

And it just hit me... that's why I'm angry!!!  I'm angry that when I think about tomorrow I get sad.  I'm angry that when I thought about birth mother's day and mother's day I got sad.  I'm angry that I haven't gotten past this yet!  How long is it going to take me?  It's so annoying that I still get sad about it.  I know what I did was right.  I'm ok with what I did.  I know my daughter is with her family.  WHY?!

Birth Mothers Day

Most people outside the world of adoption do not know about birth mother's day.  Many people inside the adoption world do not know about birth mother's day.  It's not a day marked on calendars or a day a "typical" family would celebrate.  It is however a day I hold dear to my heart and a day that has brought me peace and comfort throughout my adoption journey.  It is a day that I always celebrate (even if my husbands thinks I shouldn't) because I am a birth mother and because a birth mother sacrificed for me and has given me Cayden.  Birth mother's day is the saturday before mothers day.  The first birth mother's day that I experienced was actually the day I signed my rights away (you can read more about it HERE), something I felt so strongly about that it was very easy for me to do.  The first mother's day I experienced was in the hospital, with Ally (you can read more about it HERE).  Both days were hard for me because I didn't know exactly what I should feel.  On birth mother's day I didn't feel I had done anything special to deserve the title (because at that point I hadn't) and on mother's day I didn't feel I deserved to be called Ally's mother (because I wasn't).  Over the years birth mother's day became crucial in my healing process.  Every year I would spend time by myself thinking about the choice I had made, thinking about the baby I had given an amazing life to.  However healing birth mother's day was for me mother's day seemed to be increasingly harder as the years went on.  2009 was the hardest year for me to date.  I had just met Daniel and my emotions were pretty high at the time.  Cayden had also just become part of my life but I wasn't positive how things were shaping up with his birth mother.  I was sort of in limbo.  Each year has improved and with Jaxson being added to our family this mother's day will be even more special.
I never dreamed in a thousand years I would have the privledge of being every roll a mother could ever be.  My heavenly father has truly blessed me with many little lives and I'm eternally grateful.

This year birth mothers day will be a day I am even more thankful for Jordan and the sacrifice she made for me.  Because the adoption has become semi-closed there are certain things I wish I could do for her that I can't.  Things that would be counter productive in Cayden's healing process (there will be a post about how that is going/not going to come in the next couple hours I hope) and yet very productive in Jordan's healing process I believe.  So this birth mother's day I will cry a tear in my behalf and hers.

This year mother's day will be a day where I celebrate my boys and the wonderful things they have brought to my life.  I can't imagine not having Cayden ask me a thousand questions while driving down the road and having Jaxson screaming at the top of his lungs the entire time (he HATES his car seat).

So please recognize the birth mother in your life this saturday.  Whether she is someone you don't know very well or someone who had given you the gift of motherhood she is someone special.  LET HER KNOW THAT!

Love....

So as I sat watching these two play I couldn't but think about how extremely different my love is for each of them. I love Ally in a very different way than I love Cayden. I love Ally more like a niece than my daughter, which as I've thought about it is completely healthy for me. I love to see her, hear how she's doing, hear her cute little voice, talk to her about everything that is going on in her life, and just watch her play. But as I sat with her the other day I realized how different my love is for her. Some people may say that it's wrong for me to not feel a "mother's love" for her but I just have to say.... I'm not her mother. Lori is, always has been and always will be, her mother. She knows Lori as her mother and knows me as her birth mother.

I am so blessed to have the relationship I do with Lori and Barton. As I was in their home Lori asked Ally who's belly she grew in. Ally didn't even hesitate to point to mine and smile. Would I feel the way I do about adoption if it weren't for Lori and Barton, I don't know. But even bigger blessings have come through Lori, blessings she doesn't even know of.

When Cayden and I got home from visiting with Ally Cayden came up to me, took my face in his sweet little hands, looked into my eyes and said "I grew in Jordan's belly huh mommy?" I couldn't help but smile and say "Yes, you did." Then he said something that I thought wouldn't happen for a LONG time. He said "She's my birth mom huh?!" I was brought to tears and simply nodded my head when he continued and said "That means she loves me alot huh?" I said "Yes" and Cayden got the biggest smile on his face and said, "I like having a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom." I sat and hugged Cayden for as long as he would let me. I can't help but think of the blessing that Lori was in this situation.

Before a few days ago the mention of a birth mom would throw Cayden into an asthma attack but after playing and visiting with other children that have a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom he's become more "ok" with the situation. I don't know if I had more of a closed adoption with Ally if Cayden would have "come to terms" with his "situation" as soon as he did.

So while I love Ally differently than I love Cayden... I can't help but feel extremely blessed to have them both in my life!

Doubt... 3rd birthday

May 10, 2010 was a very hard day for me. A day that I wasn't expecting to be hard. I cried most of the day. This day 3 years ago my baby was born. She was my joy for so long. She was what I lived for, what I improved my life for. I woke up the morning and was sad. Throughout the day I got more and more sad. It didn't make sense to my husband why I was so sad. But there were things going on in my life that I didn't expect, things that I didn't want to happen.

After a miscarriage in December of 2009 I went to see my doctor to make sure everything was ok. They did an ultra sound and found out a couple things. Things that honestly didn't make sense. After a huge description that I didn't exactly understand he told me some DREADFUL news. He said, "Katelyn I have to tell you that your percentage of carrying another pregnancy full term is about 5%. You'll be able to get pregnant but I don't know how long you'll be able to carry the baby."

After leaving the doctor it hit me.... I may not ever have another chance to have a baby. I could possibly have given away my one chance at having a baby! Why would this happen to me? Why would god have me go through with the adoption only to later find out that I wouldn't be able to have my own children. Only later to find out that I would be in the same situation as many adoptive couples. Wanting desperately to have a baby but knowing that it wasn't possible! It wasn't fair!

Ally's third birthday was the first day in YEARS that I truly and honestly felt regret over the decision that I made. I didn't want to feel that way, I didn't know why I was feeling that way. I prayed and prayed and finally realized that I needed to talk to Lori and Barton about things. I had emailed Lori previously and told her that I was struggling with things. She sent me pictures and let me know that they were always there to talk if I wanted to.

That night I called their home in hopes that I could talk with Ally. After talking with Barton about what they had done that day he asked... "Would you like to talk to Ally?" I'm so glad they know what to say when I need it most. The talk with Ally was perfect, just what I needed.

And then... when I later got this picture sent to me. I knew... My daughter was where she was suppose to be. I knew that if I wasn't able to ever carry another child that I had done what was best for the one that I had. I knew that I would be a mother and that everything would work out.

A mother's dream

If there is any reason as to why a birth mother and adoptive mother form such a powerful bond the following "dream" will clearly explain it!

From an Adoptive Mother

Days after marrying the love of my life I had a "dream" that forever changed my life. I was dressed all in white standing in front of hundreeds of thousands of people. As I turned I faced my heavenly father and savior Jesus Christ standing in front of me. At that moment I was told that my greatest challenge in life would be that I would never be able to bear children of my own.

I fell to my knees and wept. I pleaded for any other challenge. I begged my Savior to be a mother to just one child. It had been my life long goal and dream to be a mother.

As I knelt in front of my Savior I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to look into the face of a young woman. She lifted me to my feet and then with tears falling down her cheeks she turned to my Savior and Heavenly Father and said, "Tell her to be at peace. I will have one for her." I turned to her in dismay, why would she do this for me? Who was she? How could this be true?

I then felt another hand on my shoulder and turned to see another young woman. She smiled at me and then again, turned to my Savior and Heavenly father and told them, "Tell her to be at peace. I will have one for her." My heart started to fill with joy. Would these young women truly be willing to make such a sacrifice as one as me? Could it be true?

Then in turn two other young woman put their arm on my shoulder and tearfully turned to my Savior and Heavenly Father and said "Tell her to be at peace. I will have one for her." My heart was so full. I didn't understand the love that I was feeling for these young woman.

I turned to my Savior and he instructed me to always be mindful of these young woman. To pray for them daily, and to always be grateful for the gift that they were giving me.

From that moment on I never doubted that I would adopt all 4 of my children. From that moment on I never doubted the love that I would feel for all 4 of our birth mothers. And to them I say, Thank you! Thank you for being willing to lift me in a time of need. Thank you for being willing to give me something I have no way of repaying you for. Thank you for my children!

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After hearing this I never doubted that my child was meant to be with her family. After hearing this I truly understood the love that is between me and Lori. After hearing this I am grateful for the chance to bless anothers life. But in the following weeks after Ally's placement I would have a similiar dream. A dream that I wouldn't understand but a dream that I would cherish forever!

More of my time with Ally

This won't be the only post for today but because of all the pictures I posted yesterday I thought I'd add just a few today of the time I had with Ally.

This was by far my favorite thing to do with Ally. Take naps! I loved it!

This is the hat that came with the outfit. I seriously think it would have fit a one year old not a new born!

This is the blanket that I made for Ally. She was still hooked up to a heart monitor for a while the first part of the day but was able to be taken off of that around noon.

This was by far my the funniest thing Ally would do. She LOVED when I rubbed her feet... it put her right to sleep... however, the moment I stopped her leg would extend out. SO funny!

May 14, 2007: Placement

It's hard to start this. There are so many emotions tied to this day. So much happened that I don't know where to begin. Well I guess from the night before....

On Sunday night I stayed in the NICU as long as I could until I just about passed out from being so tired. I told the nurse that I needed the neonatologist to come to my room as soon as he got in. She told me that if I waited another 20 minutes he'd be here. So I waited to talk with him. I wanted to make sure that he and the nursing staff knew that tomorrow would be the last day that I had to spend with my child before I placed her into her mothers arms. I wanted to make sure they release her from the NICU before noon so that I could at least spend some alone time with her. The neonatologist told me he'd do everything he could but couldn't make any promises. In most cases the babies aren't allowed to leave the NICU unless they are leaving the hospital, but because of my "special" circumstance they would see what they could work out. I left the NICU that night feeling some what defeated. I didn't think I'd really get to spend the time with Ally like I wanted to. Now don't get me wrong the time that I had already spent with her was great but let me explain a few things...

• The NICU is not at all private (and in our case Ally was next to a baby who at birth weighed 9 pounds and a set of lungs like a 2 year old! I can't remember his name but there were many times where he cried the ENTIRE time I was holding Ally)
• The NICU is not at all comfortable! Sure they have soft chairs for you to sit on but lets be honest when your backside hurt as badly as mine did I could hardly sit for 30 minutes let alone sit and hold a baby.
• The NICU staff, although I'm sure they tried not to be, was rather annoying. I think there was maybe one time where I held Ally that they didn't come up and check on her. I know they were doing their job but it got old!

So you see... although I'd spent probably a total of a day with her (combining all the time spread out through the days since she was born) none of that time was personal or intimate. I wanted, no more that I need that personal and intimate time with Ally in order feel like I had my "time" with her.

I woke up at 3 am to the phone ringing. At first I didn't understand what was going on, thanks in part to the heavenly pain meds that I was on. When I realized it was my phone I hurried and answered. It was the NICU letting me know that the Neonatologist had released Ally and I could come and get her at any point in time. I was thrilled! I couldn't believe that I was going to really spend time with my baby like I had planned. I hurried down to the NICU to get her. Wheeling her into my room was so comforting and peaceful. I had never spent a moment of time alone with my child. There had always been someone in the same room. I was finally getting the time that I needed with my baby.

One of the very first things I did with her was get her naked! I wanted to check out every inch of her. I wanted to remember everything about her. I wanted to remember her legs, her a hands, her hair (well what little hair she had), I wanted to look over every inch of her and ingrain it into my mind. Throughout the day me and Debbie had fun changing her clothes, feeding her, playing with her and just spending time with her.

As I think through how to describe the feelings I felt I've concluded that the only way to do so it to post LOTS of pictures (they will have subtitles). Hope you can feel what I felt for just a moment through these wonderful pictures (Lindsay Jane studios!)

My sweet baby girl. I can't begin to explain the joys that filled my soul holding her alone in my room knowing that even for must a moment she was mine.

My favorite thing was to hold Ally's little hands. So small and tiny and perfect!

You can see her angel kisses on here eyes. I asked the doctor about them. He said that until she was about 3 or 4 they would turn bright red when she got angry or cried. He told me "there must be someone up in heaven who wants this little girl to feel loved. Those are two very good Angel kisses."

Oh those hands... I just couldn't get enough of them! Lori and Barton actually made a 3D mold of Ally's hand for me. It is truly a treasure!

My middle brother Daniel and his wife Mary had three kids who I love dearly and I wanted them to be able to know Ally in some way. We limited the time that they spent with her (mostly the oldest, Madison, the two boys weren't old enough to understand.) so that they didn't get attached.

This is Mary holding Ally. Without Mary I don't know if I would have chosen the option of Adoption

From left to right: my brother Zach, just older than me. Daniel, the one with the kids. Daddy, he was a wreck that day....

Cater was more interested in her that we thought... he pointed out all her body parts and laughed when she started to squirm. P.S. you can see the ruffles on the butt of the outfit.. my favorite part! It came with a hat but it was HUGE on her!

Wyatt.... he was the life of the day. Kept everyone laughing. This is my joyous donut that I sat on, slept on, basically lived on for a few months... he thought it was AWESOME!

Madison... bless her heart loved my baby Ally with all her heart.

What did I say about Wyatt... Kept us all entertained! Still does too!

A mothers final prayer... As I sat on the edge of that bed I said a prayer with my baby. I prayed that she would grow up to be a strong willed, independent, determined woman. I prayed that she would always look up to her mother as an example. I prayed that she would always feel the love that I have for her. I prayed, well more threatened, that if she ever did anything I did she'd be in a whole load of trouble. And finally I prayed for the strength to do what I knew I must.

That was the longest four steps of my life. Holding my baby in my arms preparing to place her into the arms of her rightful mother. My heart was breaking more than I thought it ever could. I was hoping that something would change and I'd be the strong person I knew I could. But it was simply too hard. I could hardly stand the fact that I was walking away from what I knew I wanted most in life. But I knew, without a doubt, that she was going home.

As I hugged Lori I asked her if she would give Ally a kiss for me every night. She told me that she would and that I would have many chances to kiss her sweet face.

And then... I gave my daughter a final kiss. I loved her more than life itself. I was truly doing God's will in placing her for adoption. I knew at that moment that my life would never be the same.

I hugged Barton and let him know that he was the father of my daughters dreams. He was everything that I knew she needed. He hugged me and let me know that my daughter was the little girl of his dreams and he would do anything and everything to make her happy.

I didn't realize at first how hard placement would be for my parents. They too were making a huge sacrifice. They were walking away from a grandchild that they loved and cared for dearly. Their hearts were breaking not only to see the baby go but to see their baby hurting so much. I will always and forever be saddened by the fact that I hurt my parents so deeply.

As I walked out of that room my heart broke into a billion pieces. I had just walked away from my daughter. I fell to the ground and started shaking. I couldn't do it. I wanted more than anything to walk back into the room and just hold my baby. I said over and over... "I can't do this. This isn't fair! I can't give my baby away!" And then my mother in all her wisdom lifted my to my feet and told me. "It's done." It sounds harsh but I think at that moment she didn't know what else to say. She didn't know how to help her child who was hurting more than anyone in the entire world. As we walked to the elevator my heart broke again as I heard my sweet 6 year old niece ask, "Daddy, why doesn't KK want to keep her baby?" She didn't get it. She could see the hurt that I was feeling and she didn't get it. How could she get it. To see me in pain and see that I had walked away from a baby... It didn't make sense to her.

In the elevator I begged and pleaded with my savior to give me peace, to help me through this. I knew that without him there was no way I would be able to go on living. There is no way I would want to go on living. As I walked out of the hospital I was filled with the most overwhelming peace. The daughter that I had carried was no longer mine. Yes, I was her mother in a way that Lori never could be and Lori is her mother in a way I never would be. But together through our faith and through adoption we are mothers.