Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The reason

A friend of mine sent me an email today, she will be called J bird in this post (I can't thank her enough for that email).  She told me that she was "thinking out loud" and it may not make sense but that she thought that maybe the reason this year was hard for me was because... I'm going to put it in her words because it makes me laugh because it's exactly how she would said it.... "you have your own son that you birthed?"  She was some what right.  I spent most of the day in tears and the rest of the time thinking about why I had been crying.  Around the time J bird (I just can't get over how perfect the timing was... she must have been inspired) emailed me I realized something.  The reason I've had such a hard time this year was because I have a greater understanding of what I've really missed out on in Ally's life.   Last year was hard because I felt like I hadn't been able to do the baby things with Cayden.  This year I think it's so hard because I know how great it is and I couldn't do it.

I hated admitting defeat when it came to Ally. I hated admitting that I couldn't do it alone when that was the one thing I wanted to do most. I further hate that I couldn't do it with Branden, not because I was in love with him (because I've realized that I wasn't at all) but because he is her birth father and the person that I should have done that with.

I am so blessed to have Cayden and Jaxson in my life and I wouldn't if I had parented Ally.  I know the path that I am on is the right one but that doesn't mean that the choices I've made to be on this path have been easy.

J bird also said "I don't expect or I don't think anyone should expect you to get over your adoption placement easily or fast. I seriously could not imagine doing it. I bet it is hard. If it takes 10 more years, let it. One day you'll be happy but if it takes long, then you'll be fine. I couldn't imagine getting over something that hard that fast."  I realize reading back my post sounds harsh in the fact that I feel like I should be over this.  I guess the reason I feel that way is because I've moved on with my life. I have a family of my own, my life is going great and I just can't seem to get past it. It's rather frustrating at times. I also think I should be over this because I've known since day one that it was right. I've known all along that Ally wasn't mine to keep. It's hard to know that and yet feel like I've missed out in some way.  I feel like I don't have a right to feel like I missed out.  It's a strange feeling really.

But at the end of the day what I've realized is that the longing feeling that I have inside my heart is for this....
My baby Ally.  The little angel that I held for 4 days.  That I was privileged enough to be able to bring into this world and give to her parents.  It is that brand new, straight from the womb baby that I miss.  And I'll never get that baby back.  So I'll deal with the feelings that I have and continue to pray for peace and comfort.  It will come, it always does.

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