Monday, May 9, 2011

Sad vs Angry

Remember this post HERE where I was really struggling with things last year on Ally's birthday.  I thought for sure this year would be better.  I thought I'd be happy with how things were going and I wouldn't have to deal with any issues from placement.  Man was I wrong.  The only difference is that this year I'm not sad, I'm angry.  Angry at what though.  I don't know.  I can't tell you that I'm angry I placed her for adoption because I'm not.  I've never been more proud of that decision.  I've never been more sure of that decision.  I've tried to talk to my husband about things but he just keeps saying "It's been 4 years shouldn't you be over this by now."  That statement just makes me even more angry because I think the exact same thing.  It's been 4 years shouldn't I be over this by now.  But that's the thing.  I am over this.  I have moved on with my life.  I have my own family, a new baby, a very active 4 year old so why can't I just have an easy year!  It's so frustrating, it's maddening...

And it just hit me... that's why I'm angry!!!  I'm angry that when I think about tomorrow I get sad.  I'm angry that when I thought about birth mother's day and mother's day I got sad.  I'm angry that I haven't gotten past this yet!  How long is it going to take me?  It's so annoying that I still get sad about it.  I know what I did was right.  I'm ok with what I did.  I know my daughter is with her family.  WHY?!

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