Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Doubt... 3rd birthday

May 10, 2010 was a very hard day for me. A day that I wasn't expecting to be hard. I cried most of the day. This day 3 years ago my baby was born. She was my joy for so long. She was what I lived for, what I improved my life for. I woke up the morning and was sad. Throughout the day I got more and more sad. It didn't make sense to my husband why I was so sad. But there were things going on in my life that I didn't expect, things that I didn't want to happen.

After a miscarriage in December of 2009 I went to see my doctor to make sure everything was ok. They did an ultra sound and found out a couple things. Things that honestly didn't make sense. After a huge description that I didn't exactly understand he told me some DREADFUL news. He said, "Katelyn I have to tell you that your percentage of carrying another pregnancy full term is about 5%. You'll be able to get pregnant but I don't know how long you'll be able to carry the baby."

After leaving the doctor it hit me.... I may not ever have another chance to have a baby. I could possibly have given away my one chance at having a baby! Why would this happen to me? Why would god have me go through with the adoption only to later find out that I wouldn't be able to have my own children. Only later to find out that I would be in the same situation as many adoptive couples. Wanting desperately to have a baby but knowing that it wasn't possible! It wasn't fair!

Ally's third birthday was the first day in YEARS that I truly and honestly felt regret over the decision that I made. I didn't want to feel that way, I didn't know why I was feeling that way. I prayed and prayed and finally realized that I needed to talk to Lori and Barton about things. I had emailed Lori previously and told her that I was struggling with things. She sent me pictures and let me know that they were always there to talk if I wanted to.

That night I called their home in hopes that I could talk with Ally. After talking with Barton about what they had done that day he asked... "Would you like to talk to Ally?" I'm so glad they know what to say when I need it most. The talk with Ally was perfect, just what I needed.

And then... when I later got this picture sent to me. I knew... My daughter was where she was suppose to be. I knew that if I wasn't able to ever carry another child that I had done what was best for the one that I had. I knew that I would be a mother and that everything would work out.

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