As I sat in the bed waiting to see my baby the NICU nurse came in. She told me that she had a picture of the baby to show me. I got SO excited. I couldn't want to see her little face, she how she was looking (the last time I'd seen her was from across the room and she was blue in the face, not the best memory). And then she shows me this....
talk about worst picture in the world! All I saw was everything Ally was hooked up to and not really saw my baby.
How could she think this would be good at all for me? She said she had another one.... I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!
How is this any better? I still can't still my baby?!
I was more concerned for Ally at that point than ever before. I had to wait for my epidural to wear off before I could even go see her. Pushing the button so many times may have been a bad idea! I think that had to be the longest few hours of my life. Lori came in and checked on me a couple times. I let her know that at any point the boys were more than welcome to come up and see the baby. She told me that although they wanted to the NICU staff wouldn't let anyone see the baby until I had. Let me tell you I was once again furious. She told me that Barton was sitting outside the door waiting to go in but they wouldn't let him. I've never been so mad in my entire life. I called down to the NICU and let them know that what they were doing was wrong and that Lori, Barton and their children could see this baby any time they wanted to. It was their child just as much as it was mine.
This wasn't what I wanted. My baby was alone and her daddy was trying desperately to get to her. It just wasn't right. I asked Lori if she could have Barton come down to my room. I had my dad and Barton there and I asked if they could both give Ally a father's blessing. I wanted my father, and her father to use their priesthood to make sure everything would be "hunky dory" I wish I could have been there. I heard it was touching (dang drugs) and very powerful. I also let Barton know that he would be able to sit with Ally and if the staff said other wise to have them call me.
By the time the drugs wore off I was anxious to see my baby. I was wheeled down to the NICU (ya no way I was going to walk) and as soon as they open the door I see Barton sitting next to his daughter reading her a book. My heart was filled with joy. I wish I had a camera. That moment is forever ingrained in my mind. When I have hard days I often think of Barton, sitting with his little girl (he couldn't touch her of course) reading to her. That was all I ever wanted for my baby. To have a daddy that would care for her as much (if not more) than I could.
As I came in Lori and Barton left to give me some time to be with her. I am still so grateful for how much they cared about how much time I spent will Ally. It meant the world to me. As I sat with her I remember feeling like I was loosing a huge part of my soul. Like something inside of me was breaking with every blink of my eye. My precious baby couldn't be mine, as much as I wanted it, it couldn't happen.
This is my sick baby Ally. The IV that she had in her hand was moved to her other hand, then to each foot and finally to her head. That by far was the most painful thing to watch my baby suffer.
The first few moments that I got to hold Ally were wonderful.
I asked the nurse if I could hold her. She said that would be ok but only for a moment. When they placed my baby girl in my arms I knew without a doubt that she wasn't truly mine. That she was meant to go to another home. That she was meant to have a different mother. I held her for as long as the nurse would let me (about 2 minutes) and then begged and pleaded for them to let me hold her still. The nurse (oh my gosh I can't tell you how HORRIBLE she was! Still makes me angry to this day!) said to me. "Your time with her is over." WHAT?! Who do you think you are Lady?! I said "Do you understand that I have very limited time with my daughter." Her response was, "You either put her back our you're going to kill her." I was terrified and angry and hurt and defeated. I couldn't spend the time with my baby like I wanted. I wasn't going to be able to do all the things I had hoped I would be able to do. This wasn't fair! I turned to the nurse and told her that she wouldn't be taking care of my child any more. She said there wasn't anything I could do about it. I went to the nurse supervisor and let her know what she had said to me. My daughter wasn't so sick that I couldn't continue to hold her for a few more minutes. The nurse just had "other things to do" and didn't want to sit there and make sure I was ok.
That lady never talked to me, touch my child, or looked my direction again! As I was wheeled back to my room I finally felt some sort of peace. I knew I had the strength to to this. I knew I needed to, for my baby. No it wasn't that I needed to. It was that I HAD to. I had to do this hard thing in order for my child to be blessed!