Signing

Saturday morning I woke up sore but determined to spend as much time with Ally as physically possible. I called down to the NICU and found out that over the night she had been taken off oxygen and was doing well. I was excited about the fact that I would be able to hold my baby with out all the tubes and wires and be worried that she wasn't breathing right or that the way I was holding her wasn't helping her. I think I just about RAN down to the NICU after I got off the phone. I was brought to tears when I saw my precious baby. I couldn't believe for even just a few days I had the joy of being this little angel's mommy.

Throughout my pregnancy I had worked on a blanket for Ally. Something that I could send with her that would always be from her birth mother. I didn't really ever take a cute picture of it but it was a rag blanket and I thought it was adorable. Debbie, Hannah, and Abbie helped me make it while I was living with them. I liked to call it her "security blanket" while she was in the hopsital.

The inside of Ally's "security blanket"

Ya sorry about the cleavage.... My milk came in Saturday morning and as you can tell..... BAD NEWS!

I really enjoyed being able to feed Ally. By Saturday she had gotten up to eating a whole ounce. It's sounds funny that I was excited about an ounce but it was progress and that was all that mattered!

Part of my plan was to sign relinqishment papers as soon as I could. Normally that would be 24 hours. But because Ally was sick I had to wait 48 hours. I wanted to sign so that Branden couldn't do anything. I wanted everything to be in my control and I knew by signing the papers and soon as I could it would allow me to have more control over the situation. I signed Saturday May 12, 2007 (birth mothers day). I have to say I had a very easy time signing the papers. I think mostly because I had a struggle with my decision the day before and I had made up my mind that it was right then. I also tried to look at the papers as me just signing my name and not really think about it. I didn't want to break down and cry about it. The other problem/solution to not crying was that I had to be off pain medication in order to sign the papers. With a 3rd degree I was on STRONG pain meds about every 4 hours and motrin every 2 or so. The pain was really intense. My case worker couldn't read fast enough. I was in so much pain I could hardly think. My nurse was actually standing in the room holding my pain meds so that as soon as I had signed everything I could hurry and take them. It made for a very long couple of minutes

me signing. It was actually a relief to know that i couldn't change my mind. I had made the final decision and I was following through with my plan.