My Angels from God: I don't know anymore!

I have to start this out with saying that this may be one of the hardest and most personal posts that I'm ever going to write. I have for over 3 years kept the feelings I will write about between me and my ex Chris. I have never shared them with fellow birth mothers, my own mother, Ally's mother or even my husband now. I considered never sharing them as part of my story but I feel that in order for every one who reads this to understand how truly hard placement was for me they need to know EVERYTHING. And everything includes the morning that I spent with Chris...

Date: Friday May 11, 2007

After the brief time that I was able to spend with Ally that first day all I could think was that I was giving away my one chance at being a mother. I didn't sleep at all that night. I tossed and turned and kept thinking that what I was doing was wrong. I knew I needed a support person. At about 5 am I called my boyfriend at the time, Chris. I needed him to be with me. As he layed in my bed with me I told him how I was feeling. I told him that at that moment I HATED Lori and Barton for having everything that I needed in order to keep my baby. I HATED the fact that they were so perfect. I HATED the fact that they wanted my baby. He let me vent. I kept talking about how much I just wanted to keep her. I told him time and time again that we could work it out. Me and him would get married and have a little family and that would be the end of adoption for me. He asked me how Lori and Barton would feel if I decided to parent after the entire time telling then that I was going to place with them?

Honestly at that moment I didn't care about their feelings. All I cared about was the hurt that I was feeling deep inside my soul. The pain that I thought would only get worse if I "gave my child away". I wasn't going to do it. I told Chris that from that point on it was me and him and my baby. Lori and Barton weren't in the picture any more. I sobbed, I cried so hard my head hurt. Chris let me cry, he held me and just let me cry. He didn't say anything. He knew that I was saying what I was because my heart was hurting. After about an hour he sat me up and looked me directly in the eye and said "Lets go see Ally."

As we walked into the NICU (That's right people I walked down this time!) I felt a sudden rush of anger. I was angry that I was in this position, I was angry that I felt so out of control, I was angry that my baby was sick and that my plans had changed. I was VERY angry.

As I sat down and held my baby in my arms I couldn't help but cry. I wanted her to myself. I wanted to give her all the things that she should have, not someone else. I wanted to watch her grow and develop and laugh and cry and do all the things a mother always dreams of doing with the babies!

After about an hour of being there the NICU nurse let us know we could feed Ally. I was thrilled that she was getting strong enough to eat. She only ate about 1/2 an ounce but she was making steps in the right direction. After we fed her we went back to my room to talk a little more.

Chris let me know that the feelings that I was having were normal but that he felt he wasn't suppose to be Ally's father. He let me know that he'd love me and support me in whatever decision I made but that he felt strongly that I should reconsider placing.

After an hour I decided I needed to see Ally. As I walked into the NICU Lori was there feeding Ally. I got angry. Very angry. I felt like she was stealing what little time I had with my daughter away from me. I turned and "ran" (ya I say "ran" because lets be honest I couldn't run at all) back to my room. I was done. They weren't getting my baby. I wasn't going to give them what they were going to steal from me. I was furious and hurt. I didn't even know Lori was there. She didn't even come say hi to me before she went into the NICU, she just went right to Ally. She didn't care about me at all. She just wanted my baby. A baby that she wasn't going to get.

I cried for a good hour. Could I really tell Lori and Barton I was going to keep the baby? Did I have the strength to be a single mother? I didn't know. And so I did what I knew was best, I prayed. I prayed and asked for strength to do what was best for my child whether it be to parent or to place. I asked for strength to get past the feelings that I was having. I asked for comfort and peace to know what to do. And the last thing was that I asked for the Lord to show my why adoption was right.

Not ten minutes later Lori came into my room. She could see that I'd been crying and asked what was going on? I told her that I was just worried about Ally and that I knew everything would work out. She sat down on the edge of my bed and held my hand. She looked me directly in the eye and told me that through everything I had been a direct answer to her prayers and the prayers of her children. She told me that she could never thank me enough for the gift that I had already given to their family. The joys that they had by witnessing Ally's birth was something they could never thank me enough for. My heart inside was breaking. I knew at that moment that my feelings of angry and hatred were wrong. I shouldn't feel angry at these sweet people. I should feel grateful that they would still involve me in the life of this babe that I carried for them. I should feel grateful that the Lord would bless me with such an amazing experience.

How could I have ever thought for a moment that I could be a single mother. I knew that my feelings were normal but I never wanted Lori and Barton to know. I love them too much to hurt them.