Monday, September 6, 2010

Finally Meet her!

Around 11pm I sent my Dad and Barton home. I was at about a 4 and the progress was going to be slow. I told them I'd call them when I was at about an 8. That way Barton would be able to keep the kids at home that night. It wasn't logical to have the two men stay. After they left we started to get situated for the night. I tried to tell my mom and Lori that the couch pulled out into a bed and it would be more comfortable than sleeping sitting up but they sure didn't listen.

Thanks to the joys of modern medicine (my epidural) I only woke up through out the night a few times (each time the nurse came to check me) and the rest of the night slept pretty good. Every time I was woken I would turn to see my mom and Lori.... The first time Lori had her head on the arm of the couch and my mom had her head right in Lori's butt. The next time it had switched and by the third time they both had their heads in the middle of the couch with their feet hanging over the edge.

Every time the nurse would check me they would increase my pitocin, hoping to speed up the process a bit, and also increase the IV fluids (by the time I was ready to deliver I had been pumped full of 10 L of fluid!) By about 4 am (the last time they checked me) I was sick of sleeping in the sitting up fashion. I decided I would lay the bed flat... Not the best idea. I woke up an hour later and was having a heck of a time breathing. I called the nurse and told her I was having a hard time breathing. She and a CNA came RUNNING into the room to see my bed flat. Well by doing that it allowed the epidural to travel up my body instead of just sticking to my lower half.... I then realized I could barely move my arms. I started to freak out. They put me on an oxygen mask blowing full blast.

I then admitted to the nurse that I had pushed the button to give me more medicine into my epidural about every hour or so. I wanted to make sure I didn't feel a thing... come to find out later, that may not have been the best idea. Around 5am the nurse came back in to see how I was doing and if I could feel my arms again. I finally could! She checked me again and told me that I was almost to a 9.

I called Barton, my dad, and my photographer and let them know it would be happening shortly. They all made their way to the hospital. My father was the first to arrive since my parents lived only a few minutes away from the hospital(followed closely by Lindsay-my photographer, she lived across the street from my parents) and the first thing he did was turn on the Today Show... kinda my father's morning ritual. Barton got there last and the nurse came in right after to to check me.

for those of you who have never been on an oxygen mask it is MISERABLE! Your nose gets dry your mouth gets dry and it's just plain annoying!
I was to a 10. She told me it was time to start pushing. Since I didn't exactly do any sort of birth class I had no idea what to do. When she told me to push I sat there thinking "push what?" How am I suppose to "push" when I can't feel a dang thing down there? I eventually figured things out. Took a minute though. The nurse, my mom, and Lori were all very helpful. My dad and Barton however......
They sat in either corner of the room "watching" the Today Show. They would occasionally ask how I was doing but that was it. I think it was very strange for them, I personally didn't care. In fact I was so glad that Barton was there and was going to be able to witness the birth of his daughter.

I continued to push, and push, and push, and push. I have NEVER felt so utterly exhausted in my life! Every time the nurse would say it's time to push again all I wanted to do was lay there and cry. I was tired and my head hurt and I was hungry (for me that's a VERY bad combination!)
Through the 2 hours that I pushed my mother would occasionally check out what was going on.
She is the funniest woman in the world when she doesn't try to be. She kept saying "Look I can see her head! She's crowing! Oh but then she went back in!" or she'd say "I can't believe this is really happening. You're like really having a baby!"
Thank you Lindsay for this picture! I LOVE it! There were a few moments where neither Lori or my mother were helping me push... They were "watching" what was going on.

After 1 1/2 hours the doctor came in and got all ready. That meant it was almost time to stop pushing (so I thought) but little did I know I'd be pushing for another 1/2 hour. My dad was the comic relief through most of it (as usual) and ended up being great to have there.

After over 12 hours of Labor Allison Grace entered this world around 7 am on May 10, 2007. Her mother Lori was able to cut the cord. As they laid my baby girl on my chest I could feel my heart breaking. I knew this precious life was mine like she could never be Lori's but also in a way Lori's like she could never be mine.

Lori and Barton looking at their precious baby girl minutes after she was born.
After they took Ally over to the little place to clean her up I wondered why I wasn't hearing her cry. They were rubbing her, lifting up her arms, flicking her feet... NOTHING. I started freaking out a little. There was something wrong with my baby and I knew it. I kept asking over and over again, "Why isn't she crying? What's going on?" but no one had answered for me. I could hear the struggle my baby was having. She wasn't breathing and the nurses were doing everything they could to get her to breathe on her own. The rushed through the process of weighing her, getting her foot prints, and everything else that needed to be done.
Then they quickly wrapped her in a blanket and rushed her away to the NICU. I told the nurse that Lori and Barton were to go wherever my little girl went. She told me it wasn't policy and that they wouldn't be allowed (WRONG thing to say to me). I let her know that if Lori and Barton were not treated as the baby true parents I would have her job! I didn't want my baby to ever be alone. The nurse finally agreed and Lori and Barton both walked out of the room to follow the nurse to the NICU.
The time that passed felt like YEARS, in reality it was about 20 minutes. Enough time for the doctor to stitch up my 3rd degree episiotomy (ya not at all fun and if you don't know what that is... look it up sorry I won't go into detail about that) and leave the room. Lori and Barton came back in the room along with their pediatrician. He told me that at this point in time they didn't know what was wrong with Ally. He knew that she wasn't breathing and that they were having to help her breathe but he didn't know why she wasn't breathing. He said they needed to run more tests to find out what was wrong but that it could be a number of things. There was a possibility it had something to do with her heart not working properly, her brain being damaged, or "if we were lucky" it would just be her lungs.

He walked out of the room and Lori and Barton followed. As soon as they walked out of the room I began sobbing! Why would the Lord bring me this far only to make it SO much harder for me to do what was right for my child? I kept saying over and over again "I can't have a sick baby! I can't have a sick baby! I can't have a sick baby!" My choice was hard enough as it was. How could God expect me to walk away from a sick baby? I honestly didn't think I could do it. I knew that she was suppose to be part of Lori and Barton's family but it just seemed too hard for me. It wasn't what was suppose to happen. I couldn't have my baby die before she started her life. That didn't seem fair, not to me, not to Lori and Barton, and especially not to her.

I did the only thing I knew to do. I prayed. I beg and pleaded that the Lord will allow my child to live and be strong and that he would give me the strength to do his will and place her into the loving arms of her mother. I wish I could say I felt instant peace but honestly... the peace didn't come for a few days.

My plan was ruined. I was only going to spend 2 days with her and then place, that wasn't going to be possible her not being able to breathe on her own and all. I didn't know if I was going to be able to spend any time with her. Would I ever be able to hold my child like I wanted before I had to say good-bye? At that moment it all seemed impossible. Through out the day I continued to pray and plead with my Lord and Savior that her life would be spared and that I would have the strength to do as he told me to do.

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