Mothers day... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

I was perfectly content being pregnant through mothers days. With my due date not 'til the 27th of May I would be ok and not go through my first mothers day shortly after placing. Once again my plan was ruined! Not only would I go through my first mothers day shortly after having Ally but I would go through my first mothers day still being Ally's mother!

I woke up around 2am and went down to the NICU to see Ally. The nurse was the first person that day to say "happy mothers day" to me. I did my best not to cry. Was a mother? I felt like it but at the same time I didn't know if I really was a mother. I loved Ally enough to be a mother but I wouldn't be the one that she would call mommy. I wouldn't be the one that she would run to when her brothers picked on her too much. In reality I wouldn't be her mother but on this one day everyone would be calling me her mother. As I held my little girl in my arms I felt like her mother. I loved her like her mother. I wanted her like her mother. I truly was her mother. I then realized that instead of telling everyone I wasn't her mother I had to come to terms with the fact that, yes I was her mother, maybe for a short period of time but I was her mother.

I spent most of the early morning with Ally in the NICU, holding her, telling her stories, feeding her, and doing my favorite thing... cuddling her! Around 6am I went back to my room to sleep, to think, and to get control of my emotions. I cried myself to sleep knowing that I'd only have this one mothers day with my baby.

The day was full of family coming to see me and Ally. Lori and Barton must have known that the day would be hard for me and they didn't come up until later on that evening. It was good to see them but hard all at the same time.

I didn't expect to ever feel like Ally's mother. In fact I didn't exactly want to feel like Ally's mother. I knew that if I had those feelings it would make placing her that much harder. I tried as hard as I could to keep those feelings suppressed but at the same time I knew that if I suppressed them one day I would regret that. Allowing myself to truly feel like her mother on that mothers day was not just a chance. It wasn't simply coincidence that I had Ally before mothers day. It was god's gift to me for me choosing to place her for adoption. I couldn't feel angry, I couldn't feel hurt. I needed to feel grateful for this day.

Through the passing years Mothers day's would continue and my heart would continue to long for the time that I spent with my daughter on that mothers day. That day was a joy that I would hold onto in the long few days to follow.