His real reason

After getting a phone call from Branden, (yes you read that right, he some how found my number and decided it would be a good idea to call me) the other night I have a NEW perspective on what was going through his head. For starters he doesn't care about my daughter, he never has. He was such a jerk to me when I decided to place my daughter for adoption not because he was "loosing" his child but because he was loosing me. He STILL compares everyone he dates to me (talk about living in the past) and at one point told the mother of his two children (also his ex-fiance) that he couldn't marry her because she just didn't live up to what I had been to him. Seriously.... I don't even know that I ever loved him! I feel like he was a means to getting Ally to her family and that's it. Some of the hurtful things he said to me got to me, they would get to any person who was pregnant and single, but not because I loved him. I had ALWAYS thought that he reasons for being against the adoption weren't what he was "claiming" they were.... and NOW I know it! He actually told me he's still in love with me.... WTF!!! I responded with "Well I'm completely and utterly 100% in love with my husband and wouldn't change a thing about my life." I am SO glad I handled the situation the way I did!!!

HE DIDN'T KNOW!!!!

After brief email I found out that Branden didn't know alot of things! He didn't know that the papers he signed allowed me complete control over the situation! He didn't know that if he refused to sign the achknowledgment papers he would have forced me to parent! He didn't know his rights! How do you get yourself into a situation like that and NOT KNOW!?! Why would you sign papers and not know?!

I was wrong

So I may have done some things wrong in my adoption experience with Ally... things that I look back on now and wonder if I could change would I. I don't know. It's been just over 4 years since I found out I was pregnant with Ally. Almost 4 years since I told Lori and Barton I would be placing my baby with them. And almost 4 years since I last talked to Branden. But in those 4 years I have to admit I've thought about him often. I've wondered if he's happy and how he's doing. But most of all I've thought about how he relates in such a big part to my life. I've wondered if I regret some of the things I said to Branden when I was pregnant. And while I admit, up until a year ago you couldn't have paid me to say yes, I am truly sorry for the way I handled the situation.

There is a large part of me that wishes Branden would have reacted differently when I expressed my desire to place Ally for adoption. But at the same time, I wonder if his "support" in the situation would have made the decision I made even more difficult. But no matter how difficult it would have made things for me, I know I was wrong. He should have been there at my doctor appointments and check-ups. He should have been there when I went into early labor because of the car accident. He should have been there to worry just as I did when she wasn't breathing at birth. He should have been able to hold her before he had to say good-bye and not after.

There is never any way for me to undo the past and honestly I don't think I would. While I do have regrets about how I handled the situation in regard to Branden I truly believe that had things been differently Ally would not have gotten to where she needed to be on this earth. So while I'm sorry for the things I said and did I believe that I personally needed the situation to be how it was so that I could force myself to have the strength to do what I needed to do.

I have wondered many times if he ever thinks about her like I do. And so because I know my choices had an effect on him that he had very little control over I wanted to offer my memory to him. If he ever wondered what it was like when she was born, I'm willing to share. If he ever wondered what my pregnancy was like, I'm willing to share. If he ever wondered anything and I have the answer, I'm willing to share.

And while I know this doesn't change the past I guess I hope it will ease any pain I may have caused him.

Branden with his 2 daughters

Brandon seeing Ally

After I learned that Lori and Barton were ok with Brandon seeing Ally I kinda freaked out. Ok that's an understatement. My real feelings were that I was being undermined. I had done what was best for my child, and that was keeping Brandon out of her life, and yet in the end everything I did was for not. I felt like my feelings on the situation didn't matter. I was furious with Kevin for even considering it and furious with Lori and Barton for wanting to meet him. In reality they didn't know much about him, because I didn't know much about him, and wanted to know more. I didn't see Brandon opening up to them because of his feelings toward them. I was angry that he would go behind my back to get to the couple.

I emailed Lori and let her know that I was VERY concerned about the whole situation. She emailed me back and let me know that she too was very concerned about it. But that she thought they needed to give him a chance. I tried to tell her how many chances I gave him but I felt like it fell on deaf ears. She emailed me back and said that she had prayed about everything and felt like Brandon wouldn't leave them alone unless they did this.

I wanted to be there, not in the room, but in the agency when he was there. Kevin however didn't think that was a good idea so I once again took matters into my own hands. I decided that I would wait outside the agency and make sure that he didn't get away with my baby (that was my big concern... he'd threatened me a couple different times that if he ever saw Ally he'd take her). I knew the day that Brandon would be there but had to be tricky to find out what time. I showed up ten minutes early and watched Brandon pull up on his brand new Harley (yes since he was such a responsible adult he decided to buy a Harley).

I was furious the entire time. I didn't want him to hold my child. I didn't want him to feel like he was at all apart of the decision that I had made. When he was in there I was SO tempted to walk over to his Harley and just "happen" to knock it over... HAHAHAHA!!!! But of course I didn't. I knew that would just look bad and I wanted to be rid of him. I wanted him out of my life and out of the adoptive couples life.

I don't know what was said during the time he was in there. Lori took a few pictures (oh which I scrapbooked for her but felt like burning the whole time) of him holding Ally. I thought of how amazing Lori and Barton are. They are truly AMAZING!!!

Heaven Help Me!

I had Kevin get me a few copies of the papers that Branden needed to sign. I didn't want ANY excuse from him in regards to loosing them or something stupid like that. I emailed him and let him know that we needed to meet, somewhere private, within the next couple days. He let me know he'd be willing to meet with me that night. He had a lot of things he wanted to say to me in person. My first thought was well this should be good. My next thought was, better take "back up" with me.

I emailed Branden back and let him know I'd meet him that night at 7. I called in a favor from a friend (who also happened to be a trained MMA fighter... like I said "back up") who was supportive of me placing and supportive of the fact that Branden needed it handed to him.

I had never allowed Branden to see me pregnant, my plan was to actually NEVER let him see me pregnant (I didn't want him to know I was HOT pregnant... haha) but at this point I didn't exactly have an option. So I did my best to look as good as I could. My friend told me after the fact that Branden's mouth about hit the floor when he saw me. I immediately said... That's right he did a lot of wrong things to one HOT momma! I'll never forget the feelings of complete and utter worry that I had the whole time I got ready. I was worried that no matter what was said or done he wouldn't sign. I was worried that he'd convince me he loved me or something stupid and I'd change my mind. I was worried that I would say something stupid and let him know who the adoptive couple were (I didn't feel he deserved to know that). I was worried that I'd let him know I was having a girl. I was most of all worried that going and seeing him would make me question the choices that I had made.

We pulled up to his apartment, same one as before, and my heart sunk slightly. Had I known so many months ago pulling up to the same place that my life would take such a dramatic turn would I have still walked through that door? Had I known how he'd treat me would I still have walked through that door? And then the thought hit me.... This isn't part of your plan Katelyn, it's part of God's plan. They need your baby and this was a way for her to get here. I knew then that I would do whatever I needed to in order for him to sign the papers.

He opened the door and a whole new flood of emotions hit me... Hatred, anger, disgust, and every other negative emotion you could think of. I knew nothing he could say would change my mind. He didn't deserve to know anything about my child. He didn't deserve to ever see my child. The only thing he deserved were to be 6 feet under for the things he'd put me through.

The conversation goes as follows.... (My friend's name is Tim: he'll be T, Branden will be B, and I'll be K)

B: I have some things I need to get off my chest
T: I don't think she really cares to hear what you have to say
K: Nope I don't
B: Well I don't care if you want to hear it I'm going to say it anyway.
K: Actually you're not. The only reason I'm here is for you to sign the papers and get out of my life.
B: I'm not going to sign those papers
T: Wanna Bet?
K: At this point Branden you don't have a choice. You either sign these papers or you will no longer be a member of the Air Force. I went over your head, you have two choices. You either sign these or you'll be dishonorably discharged tomorrow.
B: You can't do that.
K: Oh yes I can. And I will. Try me. I will do anything and everything to keep this child from you and from your CRAZY family.
B: My family isn't crazy they are just concerned.
K: No they are crazy. Someone who is concerned doesn't say the things that you and your family have said to me. A person that is concerned doesn't attempt to berate a person like your own mother and grandfather attempted to do.
B: I had nothing to do with that. That was something they chose to do.
K: That's fine. Now you can choose to sign these papers.
B: I don't want to.
K: Guess what... I don't want to be pregnant and I am. I don't want to be here but I am. I don't want to hate you but I do. There are a lot of things because of you that I don't want. I don't exactly have a choice.
B: Don't they have to be signed in front of a notary?
K: I have a friend who is a notary sitting in the car. (I had pulled in another favor from a friend. I worked at a Car Dealership so it wasn't hard to find someone willing to help me out.)
T: I'll stay here while you go get her Kate.
B: You don't need to baby sit me.
T: I'm not baby sitting you. I'm making sure your dumb self doesn't call anyone.
B: Whatever

I went and got my friend.

B: I don't want to do this. I feel like you're forcing me to do this.
K: The only thing I'm forcing you to do is make your own choice now to sign these papers.
B: Whatever
T: Sign there, there and there.

After he signed (2 copies) I walked to the door and said... "If you ever try to see my child, contact the adoptive couple, or call me again you'll never live another day."

I got in the car and started crying tears of joy. Everything I thought that would stop my plan from happening had just disappeared. I could really do this. I was going to be able to give my baby everything in life without any risk or chance of things going wrong. In a matter of 10 minutes my life had gone from complex to simple. I would be able to follow through with everything that I wanted for my child. What a relief. I called Kevin and let him know that Branden had signed and I'd bring the papers in as soon as I could. My next call was to Lori and Barton.

K: Branden signed!
L: HOW?!
K: He knew he didn't have any other choices.
L: Seriously?
K: Ya. We don't have to worry about the adoption being stopped now. This baby is yours!

I don't know who was more relieved me or Lori. My life would soon however take a turn that I wasn't ready for.

Grandfather from HADES

I still got emailed from Branden asking me how I was doing and what was going on with the baby. Most of which I completely ignored. There were a few times where I would let him know how miserably sick I was and that he would be better of not asking me. Never did I think that Branden's grandfather would email me. Not only email me, but berate me through email. I am choosing not to post the full contents of the emails because of the rude, horrible, and hurtful things he said. BUT a few key points....

• "I can not believe that a religion such as yours (LDS) would encourage you to give your own flesh and blood away to strangers"
• "I am a strong believe in God's will and you can never tell me or my family that you giving our daughter, granddaughter, and niece away to strangers is God's will."
• "A man of faith once told me, 'The book of Mormon has answers to any question you may have.' I too am a man of faith and I say to you, GO READ YOUR D*M% BOOK AGAIN!"
• "Don't think for a minute I will stand by and let you hurt my family as you plan to."
• "I will take whatever action is needed, even if that means raising the child on my own.

How could anyone think that they knew what was better for my child than me. How could anyone think that making me feel like I was ruining people's lives would help the situation. My response wasn't nice, to say the least.

How dare you email me and tell me things that I don't care to hear. Obviously your family is more dysfunctional than I thought. You need to talk to your grandson before you email me. He doesn't even want the child in the first place. So why don't you get off your high horse and climb a creek and die for all I care. (rude I know but man was I angry) If you think for one second I will let some crazy old man get in the way of giving my child to the family that she belongs to you've got another thing coming. BACK OFF! Email me again and you'll never have a fighting chance of ever seeing this child!

I never did get a response back. I think I made myself clear. But little did I know that my threats would soon be valid and I'd be giving everything I had to make sure this child went where she belonged!

He has to do WHAT?!

As I drove into the agency to talk with Kevin I thought of all the possible "bad" scenario's that could occur. NONE of which is what actually would occur.

I sat down in Kevin's office prepared to fight tooth and nail so that I wouldn't have to have Branden sign the papers.....

Kevin: "Katelyn, in talking with the attorney it looks like Branden is going to have to consent to adoption papers."
Me: "Why? I thought in the state of Utah unless he signed the registry and did all that hull-a-blue the birth mother had the final say."
Kevin: "Well that is true in most cases but because Branden is active duty Airforce he is protected from any legal action being taken against him without his consent and knowledge."
Me: "WHY?!"
Kevin: "There is what's called a Soldiers and Sailors Act. It is great in most cases. However in adoption cases it can really create a problem."
Me: "Is there any way around it?"
Kevin: "If there was we more than likely wouldn't be having this conversation."
Me: "How do I get him to sign them? Do I go to his commanding officer? I can do that if I need to."
Kevin: "No he has to sign the papers willing."
Me: "Well $h!t, that's not going to happen. I can promise you that."
Kevin: "If you really think so we need to start thinking about other choices that you have."

Other choices? I didn't have any other choices. This wasn't my child. I was simply carrying it for Lori and Barton. There had to be some way that I could get him to sign, but how? He had told me he would do everything to stop it and now it looked like it wasn't going very hard for him to stop it.

I felt like Branden really had messed up my entire life. I felt so defeated, abandoned, and utterly alone. I had a plan for my child, one that I knew without a doubt was what needed to happen. How is it that I could feel so strongly about adoption only to be told that it couldn't happen? Why would God put me on such a high only to break me down? It wasn't fair to me or to my child.

On the drive home I cried, harder than I believe I'd cried about anything else. Everything that I had believed would happen in the future had just been torn from me. I couldn't parent. It wasn't what was suppose to happen. I knew that if it were up to God I wouldn't parent. But it wasn't anymore. Branden had complete control over the situation, something that I HATED more than anything.

When I got home I told my mom what Kevin had said. She first said exactly what I said.... We'll call up Dave and have him talk to his commanding office (Dave is a very dear friend of ours who also happens to be very highly ranked in the Airforce) and get everything fixed. When I let her know I had already proposed that to Kevin and it wasn't an option I think she felt as angry as I was. And then it hit me... If I place complete control over this situation in the hands of the Lord he will make sure this child goes where she is suppose to. If I allow the Lord to do his work and control my life as I knew he needed to at the time I wouldn't be parenting. I WOULD be giving this child to her parents.

Fighting words

It's taking me quiet the courage to write this posting today, I don't know why but man has it been hard.

Two days after my first doctor appointment with Lori I got a phone call, that of course I had been dreading. It was Branden. I hadn't emailed him back or answered his calls since the whole I'm going to be a supportive boyfriend thing. I wanted to not answer it but for what ever reason I picked up the phone and said "What do you want?" Rude I know but I just didn't feel like dealing with the drama at that point. He told me he didn't know why I wasn't answering his emails (He sent about one a day that I usually moved into a folder without reading them. I didn't want anything he said to make me question my decision.) but that he was very concerned for me. I laughed to myself thinking, I really doubt you're at all concerned for me. I think my reaction was negative towards him because I sensed I knew what his reaction would be when I informed him that I had chose to place the baby for adoption.

I decided to stop wasting his time, and my sleep and let him know about my decision. The conversation wasn't exactly what I had expected:

Me: "I just thought I should let you know that I've chosen to place the baby for adoption. I decided on a couple and met with them last week. The mom went to my last doctor's appointment with me."
Branden: "I'm not going to allow you to give my child away."
Me: "Pretty sure this is my choice, since I'M PREGNANT"
Branden: "I'll do everything in my power to keep my child."
--side note... right there, those few words were my biggest fear in all of this. I didn't want this to be hard on Lori and Barton. I didn't want them to have to fight for their child after I'd placed with them. And I didn't want to be forced to parent either--
Me: "You can say all you want but I know what is best for my child and that is NEVER seeing you!"
Branden: "Well if you think that is what's best then you are crazier than I thought."
Me: "I guess I am. There isn't anything you can do or say to make me change my mind so don't even try."
Branden: "I won't let you do this!"
Me: BARF!!!! "STAY OUT OF MY LIFE! I'm going to place this baby for adoption and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it."
Branden: "Katelyn I have rights, I will make sure MY baby isn't given to strangers."
Click

As soon as I hung up I started bawling! I didn't need to deal with this right now. I already had enough on my mind. I really didn't want him any where near my child, EVER!

I called my mom and let her know what Branden had said. She told me that I needed to first call the doctor and then call Kevin. I called and made another appointment with the doctor for the following day. Then I called Kevin and told him what Branden had said about fighting the adoption. The next thing Kevin said stopped me dead in my tracks.

Kevin: "Katelyn we need to talk in person but you need to know that I talked to our attorney and it looks like Branden is going to have to agree to the adoption."
Me: "Why?"
Kevin: "We really need to talk in person."
Me: "I'll be there in 20 minutes. I'm not waiting to hear this."
Kevin: "Ok, I'll see you then."

The entire drive to the agency I was angry. Angry that Branden had lied to me. Angry that I was pregnant. Angry that my plan wasn't playing out how I'd like it to (much of my plan about the adoption didn't go as planned actually). But mostly angry that there was even a possibility that someone could take this child away from Lori and Barton. I had already told them, promised them a child. It would be heart breaking and devastating if I couldn't give them this baby. I prayed to Heavenly Father that I'd be able to have the strength to endure whatever challenges may be ahead. I just didn't know at that time how big those challenges would be.

Bound to Parent

I had made up my mind. I was going to parent and I didn't care what anyone said about it. I emailed the birth father.

Branden,
I just wanted to let you know that I am keeping this child. It is by the way your child. And you need to be prepared to help me. If you don't I will take you to court for everything you are worth.
Your pregnant EX-girlfriend Katelyn

Nice touch at the end right. Had to make sure he knew that I no longer wanted him in my life that way. His response was something I don't think I was really ready for.

Katelyn,
I'm sorry that my reaction was so strong, in a negative direction, about our situation. That is correct I said OUR. I want to support you in your choice to parent. I have asked if I can be re-stationed in Utah so that I can be the man that I'm support to. Start looking for a house! Let me know when your next dr appointment is.
Hoping to be yours,
Branden

What do you say to that. I was completely ready to fight for what I believed he should do and now he was ready and willing to help me? How was that possible? Could everything really be working out how I had wanted it to?

I didn't think for two seconds that life with Branden wasn't exactly what I wanted. All I knew was that the father of the baby was in the picture again. HELLO talk about Joy!

I had another appointment with Talaisha and she asked me how my week was. I told her all about how Branden had stepped up and was going to help me. She told me that was great. Then she did something that I didn't expect. She asked me if I could see myself being 100% happy with Branden. You know that thought had never crossed my mind. And honestly I was glad that it hadn't. No I wouldn't be 100% happy with Branden, he wasn't and probably would never believe the same things that I did. He would never be able to give out children a priesthood blessing, he would not be the one to bless our children. He would never take me to the temple. So no I wouldn't be 100% happy with him but did that really matter? Did I have to have everything when I had done a whole lot to mess up my life?

Well Talaisha had done it to me again. Made me second guess the decision that I had come to. Well maybe not Talaisha, maybe...quiet possibly...it was God making me second guess.

After my appointment with Talaisha I emailed Branden.

Branden,
I don't know if I can be with you. I don't know if I can keep this baby. I don't know a lot of things right now but I do know that I don't want to look at houses.
Katelyn

In a matter of an hour my strong willed opinion of keeping my baby had changed. Maybe I should have NEVER emailed Branden. What if he didn't want me to give the baby away? That quickly became a question that I knew the answer to.

Call from Iraq

So a bit of background about Ally's birth father, Brandon. He's in the Airforce, we met on myspace (yes I know, STUPID!) and dated for a few months before he was deployed to Iraq. He called me multiple times a day for the first week or so when he was still in transit but once he got into Iraq he let me know he'd only be able to call me once a week. He was able to check his email more often though. I emailed him as soon as I found out I was pregnant and let him know that I had something important that I needed to tell him. I was very worried about what his reaction would be. Because of the time difference he called me around 2 am. I was scared to death to tell him. I didn't know what his reaction would be. I didn't know what he would say about it and I didn't know where he stood on some very important concepts. Because we didn't share the same faith I had no idea how he felt about adoption and about abortion. I quickly found out his stand on both of those things.

The conversation went as follows
Branden: "Hey, you said you had something important to tell me, what's up?"
Me: "Ya I do, I want to make sure first of all that you're alone and that you're sitting down"
Branden: "Well I can't really be alone, this place is like a call center type thing but yes I'm sitting down. Will you just tell me what's going on."
Me: "Ok, I guess you don't have a choice of being alone. I need you to know that I'm pregnant."
Branden: "You're what?"
Me: "I'm pregnant, with child, having your kid!"
Branden: "How do you know it's my kid?"
Me: "Cuz you're the only one I've had sex with"
Branden: "How do I know that?"
Me: "I'm not going to argue about whether or not this is your child while you're on the opposite side of the world."
Branden: "Well then what are you going to do about it?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Branden: "You need to go have an abortion."
Me: "I will NEVER do that!"
Branden: "Well you can't keep it, you'll ruin it."
Me: "Well thank you very much."
Branden: "Well I don't want a kid right now."
CLICK

Never before in my life have I been so hurt, betrayed, alone, and terrified. I was going to have to do this all on my own. I knew then that I did need to go to the Agency and make sure I had all my facts straight. Branden had made going to the agency a little bit easier. But walking through those doors was one of the hardest things I would do up to that point in my life.
This wasn't the last I'd hear from Branden or the lat time his words would hurt me. Just wait for what he does!