It gets different

I was told just months after I placed Ally for adoption "It will get better, just give it some time."  I am here to say.  It doesn't get better, it gets different.  

It's been just over a year since I last posted on this blog.  Crazy I know.  I've had a lot of time to develop and change and evolve as a birth mother.  I have had time to worry, question, doubt, and understand many things about the process I have been through that I didn't think I needed to figure out.  

Over the last few years my adoption has changed.  Some days I'm ok with the change, other days I'm not.  Ally is now 1 of 6 children.  I LOVE the fact that she has a big family.  I love that she has brother to tease her, help her and love her.  I also love that she has a sister to love on, share funny stories, play dress up, and be best friends with.  I love everything about their family and the amazing life that she has with them. 

That being said, I am struggling with the amount of contact that we have.  I feel like in the mist of all their adoptions, kids, life, and crazy schedules I've been lost.  Do I blame them, nope.  Does it suck and hurt, yep.  I've tried to make more of an effort to connect but then at the same time worry that I'm being a burden, causing conflict, and in the end will result in less contact.  

It's something that I have battled in myself for the last year or so.  I have tried to figure out how to create more of a relationship without creating strain.  I have asked if it would be easier if I just be included in regular activities like dance recitals and soccer games.  I've asked what I can do to make our open adoption easier and I've come up short.

Over the last few years I have realized how true this statement is.  I have come to accept that my adoption is not always going to be perfect.  I have come to accept that change is hard and is always going to happen.  I have come to accept that while I love Ally's family with all my heart I am not 100% happy in how my adoption is right now.  The grief that comes along with adoption can so intricately be connected to the people and children that we love.  It can be connected with the child you place, the parents you place the child with and the loved ones that supported you through your journey to placement.