Wednesday, October 17, 2012


When I found out I was pregnant my friends ran.  I had NONE!  I was alone and honestly fine with it at the time.  I didn't want to deal with what other people had to say to me.  Then I went to a birth mother support group and found the most amazing group of friends.  Friends that know what I felt, could tell me how to get through this and friends that through thick and thin have stuck by my side.

I have never been able to find better friends.  Although as time as gone on we don't communicate every day I love them each so much more as time goes on.

Rachel, Kim, Katie, Mindi, Jamie, Michelle, Shannon, and Faf,
You will NEVER be replaced.  You will always be my go to people, and you will always be like sisters to me!  Noone knows me better than you.  Noone ever will.

Love you girls!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Spotlight... Josh and Terra

I want  you all to meet some AMAZING people! 
 Josh, Terra, Caleb and Corbin Cooper

I met Terra almost a year ago.  She was the amazing photographer for my brother and sister-in-law.  You can view her photograph website HERE.  I'm super excited for this spot light.  You know when you spend time with someone and have no idea adoption has touched their life and then down the road a few months find out it has.  It's such an amazing feeling having that type of bond with people.  I had no idea Terra was a HAP (Hopeful Adoptive Parent) while she was doing my brothers engagements, birdal/groomals, and wedding.  I found out a few months later and was so touched.  Terra has such a great personality.  She was so fun to get to know.  Here is a their Q&A.

Q: Tell a little about yourselves (your names, age, where you live, when adoption first touched your
lives, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing with my readers).
A: Josh is 35, a 3D graphics designer and loves being a dad. He also loves going camping, playing video games, cooking (he is always coming up with new recipes), playing sports, and building/creating things.
Terra is 32, a professional photographer, and loves being a mom. She also loves having friends over to play games, go carts, laser tag, playing hide and seek with her boys (she is the best hider in the house ;D) and designing.
Caleb is 7, loves building things with Legos, playing superheroes and playing with (teasing) his little brother. He is very artistic and loves to draw, is great at math and is very social-everyday he asks me which friend he can play with.
Corbin is 3 (almost 4), loves Batman, Ninjago and his "bruder". He loves playing on my iPad or phone-especially Angry Birds, playing with friends, jumping on the trampoline and reading books. He is a Papa's boy and loves to snuggle (which mommy loves!)
We live in Utah, along with almost all of our family. It is nice to have everyone so close. We have seen many of our friends adopt and can see how it has blessed their lives.

Q: Tell a little bit about your journey towards adoption.
A: We have always known we would adopt some day. Adoption is such an amazing process and we are so blessed to be able to participate in it. Our adoption journey began almost ten years ago when I was told that I would most likely not be able to have biological kids, and if I did, it would be hard to carry them. Although the first part of that wasn't true, the last part was. Short version includes a miscarriage, followed by a baby born 10 weeks early (Caleb-3 lbs 3oz), a baby that I was in labor with/bedrest/hospital stays for 10 weeks (Corbin-5 lbs 14 oz) and now know that this is the right time to adopt and are so excited to see what happens! We also are hoping for an open relationship with our birth family that will be best for everyone involved.
Our child will always know how much their birth parents loved her and their sacrifice will never be forgotten in our home. We are so thankful for the opportunity we have to complete our family through adoption. We will be forever thankful to our birthparents.

Q: What do you feel has been the biggest obstacle for you while hoping to adopt?
A: I think it is learning patience and not being able to control your situation. I like to have control over things in my life, and have learned that this will not be one of them. Having said that I think there are more obstacles to come and we are ready (we hope!) for the roller coaster ride!!

Q: How did your families react when you decided to adopt?
A: We have been talking about doing it for years, so it wasn't a shock to them. They are excited to add another member to our family.

Q: What is the most nerve wracking thing about waiting to hear from a birth mother?
A: It is so nerve wracking! We have had one birth mother contact us and you worry about every word you write, try not to be over anxious-which is hard- and check your email FAR too many times in a day. Getting an email is like Christmas!

Q: Have you ever had a face-to-face meeting with a birth mother?
If yes what were your feelings in preparing for it and after meeting the birth mother?
A: No, just email.

Q: What advice to do you have for couples you are preparing to adopt?
A: Showcase your family as they really are and don't try to be someone you are not. Your birth family will be attracted to something about YOU that makes you unique. Try not to get overwhelmed with looking at everyone else's profiles and comparing yourself to them.

Q: What advice do you have for couples that are starting the process of adoption (filling out the
paper work type stuff)?
A: Give yourself a realistic timeline for completing your profile/paperwork/home study etc. Once it is done, try to live your life normally, have fun and try not to let it consume you.

Q: What would you say to women who are pregnant and considering their options?
A: We would say that you are the only one who can make the best decision for your baby, whether it is to parent or to place for adoption. Spend a lot of time on your knees asking God for help in answering your questions. We also would say to get support, whether it is from family, friends or a counselor. There are many free services for mothers and sometimes the best person to talk to is someone that is not close to the situation.

You can view Terra and Josh's Adoption blog HERE.
You can also see their adoption profile HERE
AND... for your viewing pleasure here is their video.  Seriously it's pretty awesome!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

He isn't great... but I must teach love

I read THIS blog post over at Birthmother 4 Adoption and felt a swift kick in the gut when I read it.

"If you teach a child to hate where they came from , they will start to hate themselves."

When I read these words I couldn't help but think of all the negative things I've said about Ally's birth father.   While I don't like or agree with choices he made in the past with regards to Ally I can't allow her to only know those things.  I want her to know that she got her dimples from him, and she got her dance moves from him (because there is no way I look that goofy when I dance LOL).  I want her to know that just because he has made choices I don't like doesn't mean he is a bad person.  He tries his best to be a good father to his daughter.  He has been forgiving of me and the awful things I said to him and I can't help but feel grateful.

While I know he wasn't supportive of my decision to place Ally for adoption I know that he sees the life she has and is grateful for how blessed she is.  I want her to know that he loves her very much.

There are always things we need to improve on.  Ways we need to be more Christ like.  Aspects of our lives that could improve.  I am grateful for Jessa and snapping me into shape.

I encourage all of you birth mothers, and adoptive mothers/fathers who don't have very open adoptions with the birth father to write down at least 1 positive attribute of your child's birth father. 1 thing you want your child to know.  1 trait you see in your son/daughter that came from their birth father.  I know it may seem impossible but I promise you.  It will be healing for you and for your child.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

A father

I've had this post saved since before Father's day.  I wanted to post it on Father's day but couldn't... It's a good one (well at least I think it is).

I can not tell you the times I laid awake at night praying that I would be able to find the perfect daddy for my unborn child.  I knew I could have been a great mother to Ally but the biggest thing missing was a great father.  Ally's birth father was less than happy about the surprise pregnancy.  He was in fact pretty sure I needed to "take care of it."  So I knew, without a doubt, that I wouldn't allow someone like that in her life.  The weeks I went through of planning on parenting I kept thinking in the back of my mind, "well what kind of dad is she going to have?"  It was the one nagging thing that made me really, truly, and honestly consider adoption.

I've been asked a few times why I placed Ally for adoption strictly because I wanted her to have a good father.  The answer is simple.... I HAVE AN AMAZING FATHER!  He really is amazing!  I am the youngest of 4 and the only girl.  Yes you read that right, I am the only girl and the youngest.  My daddy has always called me his princess.  I could bat my eyes and my dad would come running.  I was loved beyond believe (not just by my dad) and I knew I was.
Isn't my dad a hoot!  haha!  This was during delivery.  He was my comedic relief!

 I wanted so much for Ally to have exactly what I had.  But there was also a something bigger.  A reason that some people don't understand.  I wanted my daughter to be raised by a father who could bless her, baptize her, and be there when she was married in the temple.  I wanted her to have a father who could give her the blessings of the temple that I wouldn't be able to for a while (You can learn more about temple blessings HERE).  I wanted Ally to have the same blessings in this life as I did.

So while I was looking at couples I was focusing more on what the father said than what the mother said.  How he spoke about the mother and the way he spoke about his children.  And then when I looked at the pictures in Lori and Barton's profile my heart skipped a beat.  He was a hands on, loving, active father like I couldn't give my baby.  As the months went on I continued to grow to look up to Barton.  He was an amazing father to the 2 boys that they had at the time.  I knew that my decision to place was so right because of who Ally's father would be.

A few weeks ago Ally's mom sent me pictures from their recent trip to California (that right there tells me she's with the right family because I LOVE the beach and so do they).  This one struck me as the PERFECT picture!
This is what I wanted for Ally.  She has a father who loves her, cares for her, dotes on her, and is everything and more than what I could have given her at the time.  

I did a recent poll between birth mothers and adoptive mothers.  
Out of 40 women 19 of those women said the birth father of the Adoptee was not at all involved.  8 said the birth father was supportive of the adoption.  5 said the birth father was against the adoption but didn't do anything to stop it.  5 said the birth father signed TPR because the birth mother wanted them to.  3 said the birth father tried to fight the adoption.

Why is it that there are more women who said the birth father wasn't at all involved.  Why do men choose to leave when they should be supporting, accepting, and dealing with the situation?  I have to say how grateful I am that Daniel wasn't one of those fathers.  If he was Cayden wouldn't be with us today.  Instead of being one of those fathers Daniel was supportive, accepting and eventually became a single father at 19.  He did what he needed to when they felt adoption wasn't the right choice for them.  He is an amazing father to Cayden.  He always has been.  I will forever and eternally be grateful that I have Daniel in my life and that is he the father of my boys.  I only hope and pray that men/boys who find themselves in certain situations will do what isn't always the easy thing and take responsibility by either making an adoption plan or a parenting plan.  These babies are brought into this world to be loved, cared for, and nurtured.  We need to do all we can to show them that.
Cayden and Daniel (September 2009)

Monday, May 7, 2012

New determination

So... there are some days in may that are usually hard for me.... May 10 is Ally's birthday, this year the 12th is birth mother's day, mother's day is the 13th, placement day is the 14th, and the anniversary or Deb's passing is the 16th.  I haven't ever blogged about Deb before, there is a reason, maybe one day I will.  Just know that Deb was like a mother to me.  Those days are usually very emotional days.  BUT THIS YEAR... This year I have a new determination.  I am determined to not dwell on the pain of those days but to focus on the joy each of these days holds.

May 10th, 2007 was one of the most amazing days of my life.  Ally being born brought a new life into my soul that I wouldn't have had with out her.  She was at the time my saving grace.  She brought me back to the path I needed to be on and taught me that I had big goals that I wanted to fulfill.

May 12th, 2007 was the day I relinquished my parental right.  There wasn't joy in the moment but now, 5 years later, the joy is beyond imaginable.  Signing those papers allowed her earthly mother and father to give her everything and anything that I wasn't/isn't able to.
May 12, 2012 is birth mother's day.   Birth Mother's Day this year will be a year that I don't think of myself.  It will be a day where I think of those around me.  Those I know that have become birth mother's.  Those I know that have earned the right to be called a birth  mother.  This year I will once again thank Jordan (Cayden's birth mother) for the gift and blessing she gave me by allowing me to be Cayden's mother.  This year I will help Cayden to celebrate her as well.

May 13, 2012 is Mother's day.  I have an AMAZING mother who does SO much for me and my children.  She has been by my side through thick and thin even when I'm sure she would have much rather sent me to the loony pin.  This year I will make sure she knows how thankful I am for all the love and support she has shown me through the years

This year I will make sure and let Lori know how truly grateful I am to her.  How grateful I am for the example she has been to me through the years.  This year I will let her know that I couldn't ask for a better mother for Ally than her.  She is an inspiration to me and has been everything I could have ever hoped for Ally to have.  But more than Ally's mother she's ALWAYS been a friend to me.  She's always showed genuine care and concern for me and I am so grateful she has.

May 14, 2007 was one of the hardest most gut wrenching days of my life.  In the moment I thought my world was falling apart.  I felt like I was being torn in two and had no way of saving myself.  Placing Ally into her mother's arms was undeniably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  BUT it was by far the BEST thing I have ever done.  
May 14, 2012... I am going to write a personal and private letter to Ally.  I will mail it to her mother and she can give it to her when she feels it is right.  I want Ally to fully understand why I made the decision I did.  I want her to know that never for one second have I forgotten about her.  I want her to know that I will always be honored to be her birth mother and the person who was blessed to bring her into this world and give her to the eternal family that she was ALWAYS meant to be with.

May 16, 2009 is a day I will never forget.  That day I lost a dear friend of mine.  Someone who was an amazing example of love, sacrifice, passion, selflesness and the person who made the most impact on my life with regards to adoption.  After a heroic battle with cancer Deb returned to live with our Father in heaven and forever watch over me and my children.  The void she left will never be filled.  I cried harder that day than I ever had in 2 years.
May 16, 2012 I will remember the legacy Deb left with me.  I will be happy that I was blessed with as many years with deb as I was.  Anthony and Dave will always be special people in my life and this year I will celebrate them along with their mother and wife.  This year I will have flowers delivered to her grave site at Arlington national Cemetery (thank you Cherlyn) to celebrate the time that we spent together.  The months I cared for her while she was ill and the years she taught me SO much about EVERYTHING!

Is it going to be easy, probably not.  But I can't allow the hard feelings of all of this hold me down this month.  I have to rise above it and become a stronger person because of everything that those days mean to me.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Prep work

April is a month that is slightly emotional for me.   From the 14th to about the 20th I'm a little on edge and my mind sometimes gets the best of me.  But for as emotional as I am during April, come May I'm a mess!  This year I'm fearing it'll be even worse... This year all the dates fall on the same day as the year Ally was born.  May 10th is Monday, Mothers day is the 13th and the 14th is the Monday following Mother's day.  It may be that it doesn't matter all that much and I just have the normal emotions that I've had every year since Ally was born.  I'm doing some "prep work" to maybe get my emotions under control.  That along with some other things are making me super emotional.  What do you do every year to prepare for your birth child's birth day and placement day?

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Unconventionally Open...

While I was pregnant with Ally I met SO many wonderful people who I consider some of my best friends.  They are people that no matter what is going on in my life, no matter how long it's been since we talked last, or what we are talking about they are always there for me.  They help me in times of need and I know that in their times of need they can turn to me and ask me for help.  Many of those friends have shared parts of their stories on my blog.  I am grateful for their willingness to share and answer my questions.  Recently I helped out with the Adoptive Couple Retreat.  This was the second (suppose to be 3rd but last year I was in labor with Jaxson so I wasn't able to help) time I helped.  The first time I was on the birth mother panel and this time I facilitated the panel.  Gina over at Birth Mother Baskets was on the panel as well as Alli and another birth mother.  I've known Alli for nearly 5 years but I didn't know part of her story like I thought I did.  So she was willing to share with me and my readers how her open adoption became unconventially open after she placed her daughter 6 1/2 years ago.
Alli and her birth daughter Sam
Hi, I’m Alli and I blog over at Neither Rhyme Nor Reason ( Katelyn and I met while she was pregnant with Ally and have been friends since. I love reading her blog and I’m glad she asked me to guest post!

 I placed Samantha in October 2005. I can’t believe it’s been six and a halfyears! Back then things were a littledifferent than they are now. Forinstance, hopeful adoptive couple profiles weren’t online yet. When I decided to place my baby I was given about seven paper profiles to look through. Also, we chose and announced to our families before we ever had a face to face meeting. Probably the biggest difference between then and now is the amount of “openness” LDS Family supports. When I was pregnant all correspondence wassupposed to be left with the front desk at the agency. Letters would be opened and personal information would be removed before it was passed on.

 Many of the girls who placed the same time as me made open adoption plans with their adoptive families that consisted of letters and pictures for the first year and then once a year until the child turned 18. Samantha’s parents had already adopted one child and had avery open relationship with her bithmother. They wanted the same thing for Samantha.

After we met face to face they decided they wanted to be able to communicate and meet without having social workers determine where we went and what was said. Since a good seven years have passed since all of this happened, different people are remembering this differently, but we all remember an email address hidden on the back of a picture that was sent throughthe agency. After that, things opened up considerably!

While we were exchanging mail through the agency and continued to meet with social workers, we had our own, much less structured relationship, on the side. It has been wonderful! I am so grateful that open adoptions are the new normal and I’m grateful I am able to be a part of one, even though I could easily have been part of an adoption plan that included nothing more than a letter a year!

I would hope that hopeful adoptive couples would be willing to consider open adoptions. Even if you keep privacy barriers, such as meeting at parks and restaurants instead of homes, I have seen so much good from a birthmother knowing their child and a child knowing where they come from and that they are loved by every side. I love open adoption!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Want to welcome Valerie Bo

I have a dear friend who happens to be a birth mother, ya I have a lot of them, and she just had her first baby with her husband.  My friend Sterling blogs over at Diary of a Birth Mom and was also kind enough to do a guest post for me about being in a long distance open adoption HERE.  I just have to say I'm so incredibly proud of Sterling!  I know having a baby post placement isn't the easiest thing in the world.  Well actually it can be an emotional roller coaster.  And being a new mother post placement is an even bigger emotional roller coaster (I blogged about it all HERE).  Miss Valerie Bo decided that she needed to stay in until I could see her mommy pregnant one last time.  HEE HEE!  Love you Sterling and Brad and SO excited to meet miss Valerie Bo!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

25 Strangers Project

I had the awesome chance to be able to be part of a special project being done by a local photographer.  The project was called 25 Strangers.  I was the first stranger and have to say that Jenifer Allen was amazing!  I HIGHLY recommend her! You can check out her post about me HERE.  She makes me sound pretty amazing.  I'm pretty sure I'm not as awesome as she says I am. haha!  Be sure to go and read!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Do you know....

There is a group of people who feel it is their job to convince pregnant women considering adoption that they should parent their child rather than place the child for adoption.  This group of people may have experiences with placement and adoption BUT this group of people DOES NOT know what it feels like to make an adoption plan, feel so incredibly right about it, and then have it driven into your head and heart that you're decision you're about to make is wrong.  They DO NOT know what it feels like to decide to parent and wonder EVERY DAY how your child's life could have been better had you made the decision to place them for adoption.  They DO NOT understand the heartache of wondering how you'll make ends meet so that your children won't suffer.  They also DO NOT know the heart ache of parenting a child you felt all along should have been placed for adoption only a few weeks down the road do what you felt was right from day one.

It drives me INSANE when these people become so extremely coercive that they ruin people's lives!  I'm not saying that I know how it feels.  I'm not at all saying I understand those feelings.  BUT I have dear friends who do know those feelings all too well.  They live those feelings EVERY SINGLE DAY!

There is a good, a bad, and an ugly side to everything.  I've come to realize that in my short little life.  Nothing is perfect.  While I have had a very positive experience with adoption there are women out there who haven't.  I'm not at all saying they shouldn't be allowed to state their feelings and opinions.  Go at it.  Share away.  But you telling someone "wanting the baby to have a father isn't reason enough to place" because that is your reason and the birth father ended up coming around isn't right.  Being on a man hunt to find as many expectant mothers out their and convince them that placement is horrible and wrong and they will FOREVER regret their decision is down right DISGUSTING!  And then you say you'll "support" them... by how... tell them to "just keep holding on".  Oh yes that's the support they need when they feel like their world is falling apart and they've made the worst mistake of their life and the life of their child.

I'm not on a man hunt to find as many pregnant women who are pregnant and not in ideal situations to convince them to place their child for adoption.  I have a blog where I boldly state my feelings about adoption, single parenting, and co-parenting.  I have in no way gone out of my way to change someone's mind about their decision.  I have in no way gone out of my way to convince someone the decision they made for themselves and their future family was a wrong and "horrible" one.  Quiet frankly anyone who does that is in fact the "evil" and coercive crap they speak out about so often!

So grab a cup and pour yourself some good old kool aid!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Just another Hard day

It's really not easy... Today I attempted to update Jaxson's baby book.  I didn't get very far though.  I did really good updating his book monthly until he got sick in November and then I just haven't had the time.  As I was reading through things my heart was breaking.  Odd I know.  I kept thinking about all the things I didn't know about Cayden as a baby and all the things I didn't know about Ally growing up.  Ally's mother is wonderful at keeping me updated but that isn't the same.  There are little things that you don't think about that I wonder.  I mean as open as our relationship is I don't know what Ally's first word was.  In fact I don't know what Cayden's first word was because neither his father, birth mother, nor paternal grandparents can come up with the same freaking answer (that actually makes me really mad).
Jaxson's first word was Papa.  He LOVES my dad!  You say papa and his face lights up he runs to the door and is ready to go see his papa.  If ever my dad is around he is the first person he runs to.  I'm not joking he LOVES my dad.
There are things that I think down the road Cayden may ask me and honestly I won't have the answer.  It hurts that I don't know the answers and it makes me angry too.  I wish I could ask his birth mother but every time I have I haven't exactly gotten a straight answer, not to mention there is a gap of 4 months where she never saw him.  Those 4 months were from 8  months to a year... so who knows if she even knows the answers to the questions that I have.  Ya it's really frustrating!
I know that I could ask Lori and and all of my questions about Ally but honestly I kind of feel like it shouldn't be that big of a deal.  Lori is amazing and sends me updates on the days where I just need the.  The days where I can't stop thinking and wondering about Ally.  I ALWAYS get an update on the days that I need one.  I know I can ask the questions that I wonder but I don't want to add to the stress of their already busy lives.  In all honestly I sometimes feel like I'm a burden on their family.  They have 5 adopted children 2 older than Ally and 2 younger than Ally.  The 2 older were open but have progressively become less and less open just because lives get busy and such.  The 2 younger 1 is completely closed and the other is semi open.  I'm also the ONLY local (and by local I mean that we live 15 maybe 20 minutes apart the others are across the country) birth mother.  There are times where I feel like they are burdened by my desire to have contact.  Not because of anything they say or do but because they have a crazy busy life.
Do any of you birth mothers out there feel that way?
Do you ever feel guilty for wanting more contact or asking for a visit?
Lately that's my problem.  I would love to see Lori and the kids but I feel so guilty asking for a visit and being a burden.  I don't want to burden their beautiful family at all.  I can't really explain these feelings well and it's frustrating.
As of late I've opened up Cayden's adoption a little bit more.  You'll remember just recently that I was done and was cutting contact to the minimum... I am now updating a blog for his birth family when I have time.  Every time I wonder about Ally and how she's doing I also wonder if Jordan is thinking about Cayden.  I can't say that I know or think she is but I still wonder.
April is the beginning of a really emotional couple months for me.  Cayden's birthday is ALWAYS bitter sweet for me and that leads into Ally's birthday, birth mother's day, and mothers day.  I try to focus on the present but the pains of the past always seem to come shooting back.  Even looking forward to the future of what my family has coming for us doesn't seem to overshadow the past and what I missed.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012


I have been told a couple times that I am the trifecta of motherhood.  The first time someone said it to me I laughed.  I'd never thought about it before.  Having been able to experience every aspect of motherhood has been wonderful, heart breaking, painful, joyful, and sometimes down right scary.  There have been times where I've been asked if the love is the same.  It's usually by future adoptive parents of birth mothers that worry they'll never love another child like they loved the one they placed.  I can attest to you that FOR ME I love Cayden just like I love Jaxson.  And over the years I've realized that I love them both the same way I loved Ally.  I've said before (HERE) that I realized the love I have for Ally was different from the love I have for Cayden.  I've never wondered if I would love Jaxson more than I love Cayden.  He's my son just as much as Jaxson is.  Being able to see adoption from both sides has been an amazing struggle.  I have times where the pain of placement seems unbearable.  Days where I question with everything in my soul if I made the right decision.  But those days are few and far between and those days are the days where Lori knows I need contact and Lori knows I need an update.  I NEVER have to ask how things are going on my "hard days."  The update just comes and my doubts are gone, my pain is eased and I am again back into my "new normal".  So does being the trifecta of motherhood make me different than most, yes.  But it also comes with it's own set of challenges.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Whose baby is it?

This post is something I have wanted to write for a really long time.  My lack of experience with situations made it impossible to do so.  HOWEVER a friend of mine has experience with this current topic.  Adoption is a beautifully bitter thing at times.  It can be heart breaking if it works and if it doesn't work.  I can only imagine the pain that hopeful adoptive couples must deal with after a failed placement.  


These are her words, said perfectly how I imagined they should be.

Before I knew that there was a possibility for our family to include, through adoption, a daughter, then a son, and another son, there were other women who knew these children and loved these children as much as I ever could. These women were these children’s FIRST mothers. These women knew and felt the life of their child growing inside of them before I ever knew that my potential children existed. Before I knew they existed, these women were thinking, praying, and loving their babies as they made the decision to give them life and did their best to make decisions about what their best life would look like. When I met each of these three women I felt a special connection to these women who were the first to mother and love these children. I was so honored when each of them selected us to parent their child and asked me to share motherhood with them. I had a very special relationship with each expectant mother and I along with each one of them felt “it was meant to be.” We talked about our similarities, our hopes and dreams for the baby, our love for each other, and how everything just seemed right.

Needless to say, we were crushed, as was our first expectant mother, when we discovered 3 months into the match that she could not live with us raising her daughter in our religion. I know she was as devastated as we were. We loved each other and she felt that the baby was ours, but no matter how she looked at it, she determined that we were no longer a match for her. It was shocking and it was difficult and no matter how much I had felt that the baby was mine, the fact of the matter was the baby was still hers and solely hers. No matter how devastated we were she deserved the respect that a mother deserves as she loves her child and tries to make the best decision for that baby. And because the baby was hers and solely hers, she deserved my continued love and respect. I was sad, but a never made or supported disparaging remarks about her. How could I? She had made a decision that she could live with. I learned that expectant mothers have to live with their choices and I wanted only to support choices that they could live with. I wanted our family to be a choice that they could live with. I also learned that while I wanted to be involved with expectant mothers throughout their pregnancies and I hoped for positive relationships, I knew that I could never forget that these babies were 100% theirs until they signed the papers. I also knew that I wanted the expectant mothers who would choose us to be 100% comfortable that we were the ones that they wanted to place their child with. That they wanted to be a part of our family as much as we wanted them to be a part of our family.

If they were not, I wanted them to be free to go find the match that was perfect for them.

I often think about that sweet little girl that I thought would be mine. I think of our connection and I miss her mother and I miss the fact that I didn’t get to know her. We met our next expectant mother soon after our first did not work out. There were so many similarities between us and I love her so much. We even have the same hands. Weird, right? I really wanted her to know everything about us, good and bad, so that she could make an informed decision that she could live with. I answered every hard question without sugar coating and in a very up front manner. She needed to know if we were what she wanted and hoped for herself and her child. We were so blessed when she decided that we were and shared motherhood with me. Then we were blessed to meet another woman 10 months after placement of our first son. She chose us as well. She is like a sister to me. Throughout her pregnancy, I reminded her whose baby it actually was so that she could make the best decision for her and her son.

We were so blessed that she shared motherhood with me as well. When the legal papers were signed terminating parental rights, most people assume that the baby became mine and my husband’s. When our adoptions finalize I suppose that legally they are ours and only ours. But adoption is much more than legality.

Remember these women loved their children as only a mother does before I knew they existed.  A mother’s love is what led them to the decision to give life, and to place their babies with us. A mother’s love NEVER ends just as my love for our beautiful sons will NEVER end. Without these wonderful women, I would never have even had a sliver of a chance to be a mother. Because of them I get to experience raising two amazing little boys. I love our sons with a love so intense that I didn’t even know it was possible and so do their first mothers. I want the best for my boys and so do their first mothers. I want my boys to have character and integrity and happiness and so do their first mothers. So while legally these beautiful babies are mine, I know that they will never be 100% mine and mine alone and I am more than okay with that. Not only do I have these beautiful boys in my life, I have their wonderful first families who I cannot imagine my life without. So, I guess the answer to whose baby is it is twofold. The baby belongs 100% to the expectant family until papers are signed. Forever after that, the baby belongs to both.

Thank you Cherlyn for sharing your insight with me and all my readers.  Please remember that if you are facing a failed placement your actions and words speak volumes of what you really believe adoption is.  No mother should ever be told by another woman that they are praying or hoping the child will be placed with them after having made the decision to parent.  It is harsh and cruel.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Jaxson is turning 1

I am kind of making a big deal out of Jaxson's first birthday.  For a few reasons.... first of which is that I wasn't at Cayden's first birthday nor was I at Ally's first birthday.  I am fine with both now.  HOWEVER I still have moments where I wish more than anything I could have been with Cayden on such a special day.  So me making a big deal about Jaxson's first birthday is a way for me to deal with things that I don't have control over in the past.
Second reason is because Jaxson being part of our family is a miracle!  After 3 miscarriages I felt like I was NEVER going to have another baby.  I was heart broken and sad a lot of the time.  I was starting to cope with the fact that maybe biological children weren't in my near future.  That was when I found out I was pregnant with Jaxson.  I had a VERY rough pregnancy and was lucky to get him here safe.  I can't thank my Heavenly Father enough for giving me this perfect little boy to raise.  We are SO blessed to have his spirit in our home.  So I'm going all out... and you know what... I'm happy to do it!

Friday, March 2, 2012

I decide

There has been some unwanted and honestly UN-NEEDED negativity towards someone who was a guest blogger on my blog.  I want to put this out there for EVERYONE to read.....

I decide who posts on MY blog.  I go to them and ASK them if they would be interested in guest posting or answering some questions for me.  I DO NOT allow guest posts that come to me and ask me to post something.  I NEVER have and I NEVER will.  If you don't like the topics that I discuss or the guest bloggers that I allow on MY blog then you should come to ME!

I have clearly left contact info for ME on my blog.

Sorry that this is harsh and rude but I stand up for what I believe and I believe that harassing a person because of a choice that he or she made is WRONG!!!!!!!  I think it's wrong when people come at me for the decision I made to place Ally for adoption.  I think it's wrong when people come at me for the decision that I made to adopt Cayden.  I also think it's wrong when people come at me or my friends for their decision regarding THEIR CHILDREN!

I will have a guest blogger posting again tonight.  Her post will be frank and honestly something that I've been wanting to post for a while.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Choosing to Parent

Many of you will remember this post about C and The R House.  C had made an adoption plan and was planning on placing with The R House.  While C made an adoption plan early in her pregnancy she faced many trials and struggles along the way.  In the end C made the decision to parent.  There is NOTHING wrong with that decision.  NOTHING AT ALL!  While C made an adoption plan that in no way means that she had already placed the child.  S (the baby C had) was never any one's baby but hers.  So because SO many people have wondered and asked questions here are some that I asked C.  If you have questions for C you can email them to me or leave them as a comment.  If you have something negative to say about C and her decision.  KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!

While dealing with a failed adoption for the adoptive couple is heart breaking and extremely hard I have yet to touch on what a failed adoption is like for the birth mother who chooses to parent.

Note from C....Please... Let me add that I'm answering these to its full depth, hurt, and raw emotion. Whomever reads, please note these are my words, my feelings/thoughts, and my life. Don't judge me.

Q: You made an adoption plan and met with the adoptive couple. Did you try and distance yourself from them or did you "fully invest" in the relationship?
A:  I made an adoption plan with a wonderful family. Although the adoptive mom was my favorite from the beginning, the dad was a "grow on". I think that had a lot to do with my male figures in my life. I never tried to distance myself from the adoptive mom, never. She was the most caring, loving, woman I've ever met. I didn't really have anything I felt "invested" with the adoptive dad. I don't think the distance came into play with the adoptive mom and I until my decision was being questioned by myself. That's when the distance came and I know they noticed it as well as me.

Q: What was the biggest impact on your decision to parent?
A:  I'm being honest right? My other children. Point, period, and blank. People are probably going to say how selfish I am regarding this, but all in all, my biggest choice to parent was the fact that my kids knew it, wanted her, and my daughter took adoption to a level I wish nobody did. It hurt and their feelings cut like a knife. I knew no matter struggles or walking through fire with them on my back to protect them... I couldn't take "their" sister away.

Q: Do you feel like you made an adoption plan to early? (that is worded horribly but it doesn't come out right.... what I mean is... do you think you should have connected the adoptive couple later in your pregnancy?)
A:  Honesty will come here as well. YES I feel like I made a plan too early. But that was me, well, our choice, and I felt the earlier the better. Well, I figured that was the "norm", I didn't know, but it was right to me after Ru (father) brought it up. I think that an expectant parent should be at least 6 months before she's "sure" about placing. Although, that "sure" could still change, I think that the thought out process should be through that time. I never second guessed my decision NOT once until December time.

Q: Was your family supportive of your decision to make an adoption plan?  If not did they impact your decision to parent?
A:  Family? What's that? I don't have any "family". I've got my children and my mother. My mother supported me, but now she's so in love with S. My children weren't supportive, well, Summer, the twins did NOT know my "adoption" choice. I felt they were too young. And my mother asked me repeatedly if I was sure about parenting.

Q: Is the birth father supportive of your decision to parent?
A:  Yes he is supportive in MY choice to parent. He just isn't as involved as I thought he would be. I know this is a process, he's coming around, slowly.

Q: Was the birth father supportive of your decision to make an adoption plan?
A:  At first, yes! 100% absolutely. Until the idea of two all Caucasian people would be raising our child. Then it went to he couldn't live with himself if he placed. After about 4 months pregnant, I was positive he'd never sign the papers, but I knew the APs and I would still find a way.

Q: What was the hardest thing about informing the hopeful adoptive couple about your decision?
A:  Oh my heavens! Everything. Nothing was easy. Nothing at all. The hardest was how to word it. Then how to send it. Then how to accept it on my end. Then doubting myself. I love the adoptive mother like super so much. She's honestly a great woman. I wish with every inch of my being that she's blessed with everything she's ever wanted. I'm still completely mortified about telling her. I ache thinking about it.

Q: Have you ever questioned if you made the right decision? (I know birth mothers question their decision at times. Have you ever had times where you wonder if your life and S's life would be different had you placed.)
A:  YES!! I think all the time. Especially those nights where I'm up in the middle of the night and say, she should have been theirs. Or times when I know its going to be extremely hard to do this, I think about it. I think about it when I'm down too. Its all because the adoptive mom. And S deserves the best. So, that's why I'm busting my rear to give all 4 the best I can of everything.

Q: Did your "change of heart" have to do with the potential adoptive family, or if it had to do with placing at all? (i.e. did you not feel comfortable with placing after all.)
A:  NO! The APs had nothing to do with placing. At all. However, I did start thinking about how we (children and I) were going to see S living half way across the country.

Q: What first prompted you to think about parenting after making an adoption plan (i.e. getting a job, getting offered support from someone, reading something, relationship with the baby's father changing, etc.)
A:  Around Thanksgiving I started feeling that, "oh crap, can you really do this?" I researched older siblings and adoption and commented on a blog written by a lady named Lisa. I explained what I was curious about. That got me in contact with a lady who had a daughter and recently placed a son. Reading her story, seeing others in similar situations as mine... Seeing how their "kept" children were handling adoption? They weren't. They were depressed and miserable. Maybe if my kids were closer it would have been different, nobody knows. But once I saw that - sealed the deal. Plus Ru and I got talking and bonding more. He said he was ready to be a father, a family.

Q: Why did you feel like parenting was the right decision for you?
A:  Can you feel? I didn't think I was strong enough to go through the adoption after my kids & Ru, so parenting was something that was the "right decision" for me! Of course, now I'm smitten and looking at her now makes me want to kiss her...

Q: Do you still think about the family that was going to adopt S?
A:  Do I? Ahhhh! I stalk her pages. I kept waiting for her response since she blogs after letting her know... I think of them OFTEN! I have memoirs too. Doesn't help.

Q: Did you have major doubts through the whole process or only question your decision right at the end?
A:  Never major doubts throughout, I questioned, but normal of course. My mind wasn't confused until about Thanksgiving.

Q: When was the moment that you decided to parent? Was there an actual moment? Or Action? Or maybe something that was said or something not said?
A:  Around New Years, I knew I was sure I couldn't go through with it. So, I text the APs first birth mom and she told me to tell them ASAP. I even sent her the email to check to make sure it was okay. I couldn't keep them thinking, I had to let them know as soon as I was sure.

Q: Do you still think adoption is a good thing? Or did the process change your perspective?
A:  I think its good in "some" circumstances. Infant adoption (although my APs did NOT coerce or try to "buy" my baby) is what its seemed to turn to. I think birth mothers (which they might, but never heard of) get counseling offering them ways to keep and parent before placing. And there's millions in foster care... Why an infant? That's my one big issue now that I've did this.

Q: Is parenting what you thought was best for YOU? Or is that what you thought was best for the BABY and if so, Why?
A:  Best for my FAMILY. Which makes us all happy. Us 4 anyways. I would base off pure familial connection. I'm not saying its best for me nor the baby, but I'm happy I do it everyday.

Q: Do you feel like parenting is the "plan" god had for you and S?
A:  Once I started doubting my placing and choosing to parent. I read more into, "be fruitful and multiply" and "God never gives you more than you can handle". On top of the natural mother information on babies thriving with their natural/first mothers, meaning its what's best, yeah! I honestly believe that Gods plan was to parent S. I've learned and changed so much that maybe she's just what he ordered.

Q: Do you still have a relationship with the adoptive couple?
A:  Not really. And I don't foresee there ever being one. I mean, we've tried the email, but its not the same. It just DON'T feel right. I mean, I feel horrible for ripping their adoption chance away, although I've got a complete clear conscience and very at peace with my decision. Its still hard. I know they're mad, but its like we went from awesome to blech. I don't hold it against them though.

Q: Do you plan on telling S down the road that you made an adoption plan?
A:  Yes!! Her items she received from the APs, if you're friends on my fb, you can see that anything from them, it says "from MY ---- " (Adoptive Moms name). I want S to know of all the good people in the world, and she's totally unforgettable.

Q: Did you feel pressured to place at the time you made an adoption plan?
A:  As I said before, never pressured or coerced into placing. Especially at the time we made the adoption plan. Everything was more in "my court" and I had the ball at all times.

Q: Are you happy now that you are parenting? If you're not happy now, did you feel pressured to parent instead of place?
A:  Parenting is an experience. Its hard, I won't lie. Not even from a financial aspect, from an emotional one. I've had moments where I breakdown crying because she won't sleep, but what mother don't!? I love S and it feels definitely different this go round. I honestly wish I would have waited for all of my babies. The age I'm at is perfect to have your first!

Q: If there was pressure, did those who pressured you step up to help and are they still helping?
A:  Doesn't really apply. But its just me, I don't get help.

Q: Do you feel you have all the support you need to be parenting now?
A:  No, I could definitely use more. But hey, I'm making the best of what I do have.

Q: Do you feel now that you have all the accurate information back when you made an placement/parenting decision and were able to make the right choice for you and S?
A:  Definitely. I was a research fanatic. I found out so much stuff, I even know adoption laws in NC. Pretty wild, but I feel I could counsel others

Q: If you don't feel it was right, what info do you feel you didn't have or wasn't accurate?
A:  Never got wrong information, however, there's something I think that needs incorporated. Not that my situation warranted it, but ALL expectant mothers should be shown, told, and guided through everything that is available out there for them to parent first. If placing is still "IT" for them, so be it. But I do believe that's a lot of the "changed my mind" that takes place.

Q: If in the future S finds herself pregnant would you be supportive of her making an adoption plan?
A:  Ahhh! Such a harsh one. Ha. I have two S's and have thought about this in great depth. It would really have to be dependent on the situation. I wouldn't tell her she couldn't if she felt like adoption was best. BUT I would tell her everything I know to make an informed decision. NO I DON'T want my baby girls being teen moms like I was. That's why I pray I've educated enough on sex and marriage.

Q: How have you been treated by various people (the adoptive parents, birth mother friends, etc.) when you told them you decided to parent?
A:  The APs and their 1 birth mother I talked to before, we don't talk anymore. I don't feel we ever will. Now the adoptive mom's "followers" and friends have had nice and harsh words to say. I've been called everything but a white woman. I've been told I'm selfish, they feel sorry for S, I'm a bad mom, among others. This doesn't even bother me anymore. I got bashed for saying I was placing, but I got brutally attacked when I chose to parent. But its okay, the ones that attacked me will reap what they sow. It was sad, pathetic, and utterly childish. I've even saved every email to go back and read what they've said. Then say to myself, "welp proved them wrong, hahahaha."

Q:  Not many people know that I sent you a profile for a hopeful adoptive couple that is a mixed race couple (if that's not politically correct you can change it) who also lives in North Carolina. You stated in the answers above that 1 Ru didn't like that the adoptive couple was Caucasian and 2 that you would see S living half way across the country..... Did seeing the hopeful adoptive couple in NC and mixed race have any impact on you and Ru? I mean did it make you think maybe you could place with them because of the race difference and the distance?
A: Totally see what your saying and I honestly was so dead set on if anyone is to have her, the parents I had picked out were it. I liked the other profile, the closeness, the sense of knowing that they could share heritage. My problem is they never emailed me back. It might have been different.

C and S
Life always throws lemons and people make lemonade. Mines a little off and threw me some grapes. So I'm making wine... "I always get better with age."

Once again if you have any other questions you would like to ask C you can email them to me at or leave them as a comment on this post.

I want to thank C for answering the questions with honesty.  I know some of them weren't easy but you have shed light on a subject that most people don't consider.  Making an adoption plan and then choosing to parent isn't an easy decision.  HOWEVER it can be the right decision if you feel that is what is best for the child involved.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Adoptive Couple Retreat

There will be an Adoption Retreat in Orem,UT on MARCH 30-31st, 20012.

This Retreat IS geared mostly towards Adoptive Couples....HOWEVER.... we had several birthparents and a few adoptees last year and they loved it!

Here is our Tentative Schedule
Friday Night:
5:30 -- Arrival
6-6:15-- Keynote--Alex Rowley --Adoptee
6:15-Whenever -- Mix and Mingle

9:15-9:45--Keynote : Tiffany Baugh -- An Adoptee and Birthmom
9:45-10:30--Lindsey and Josh Redfern--Advice through the process, face 2 face, and preparation for placements
10:30-11:30--Adoptive Couple Panel--Ashley-International Adoption, Jenn-Foster Adoption, Josh-Domestic Adoption, Leisha-Older Child Adoption
11:30-12:15--Lunch and Musical Number by Alex Rowley
12:15-1:15--Birthmom Speaker(s) Gina Crotts
1:15-2--Closing and Raffle

by March 1st the price is only 
40 dollars per couples (5 dollars extra for childcare)
25 dollars per person

Hope to see lots of you there!!! 

bmb has a FREE admission to giveaway. Email them at with your favorite positive quote, adoption related or not, be creative! 

Also, follow bmb and birthmothers4adoption. The winner will be announced on
Wednesday Feb. 29th

I will be there and can't wait to meet so many adoptive couples!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Handling an Open Adoption

I've been asked many times "'How do you make an open adoption work without stepping on toes?"  Years ago I decided that I would allow the adoption to be run by Lori and Barton.  As open as they wanted things would be as open as I was ok having them.  So far that has worked for me.  HOWEVER I know that my mentality doesn't work for everyone.  I know that for some birth mothers they fear that the adoption will at some point close and they will have no control over that.  They fear that it will break them and they will be heart broken.  I believe those fears are very real fears.  They are sometimes very hard to deal with.

How can adoptive parents and birth parents come to an agreement before placement that will make it so that both parties are comfortable with how open the adoption is.  Really it's simple.  It's a funnel system that has worked for me and has worked for many other adoptive couples.  It's really simple in theory and works wonders.

Before placement (I recommend before the baby is even born) the birth mother needs to sit down and write down as CLOSED as she feels she could handle the adoption.  Be very specific and don't leave out things you feel are "small" details.

For example I feel that as closed as I could handle would be 1 visit a year with pictures at least once every 6 months.

Before placement the adoptive couple needs to sit down and write down as OPEN as they feel they could handle the adoption.  Again be very specific and don't leave things out that you feel "aren't a big deal" now because in the future they may become a big deal.

For example maybe the couple and birth mother live close to each other so something they put down is that the birth mother is welcome to visit but needs to let the couple know at least 2 hours before she comes over (no "surprise" visits).  Things like that.  If the couple and birth mother live far away something they put down may be that when the birth mother visits she can stay with them in their home for 4 days but that more than that amount of time wouldn't be appropriate.  Does that make sense?

Then once both the birth mother and adoptive couple get their list written you need to meet with a case worker or counselor to hash things out.  The key is to meet in the middle.  Write down your agreement on paper (not that it's legally binding or anything but I think when things are written on paper they feel more "real").  A big part of this is honesty.  In order for this to really work you as a birth mother have to be honest with the adoptive couple and not worry about hurting their feelings by you wanting more contact than what they feel comfortable with.  And as an adoptive couple you also have to not worry about the birth mothers feelings.  Being real with your own feelings is a huge part of this.  If you aren't open and honest up front it won't work.  You'll start doing visits and you'll be uncomfortable and then that is when things will fall apart.

Use the agreement for 6 months and then go back and readdress it.  Make sure that you as a birth mother is open about how the contact has been affecting you.  When I say be open that DOES NOT mean you need to tell the adoptive couple how hard adoption is or how hard of a time you are having.  By simply saying "I've had a few hard days but I know my decision was right." that lets the couple know that you are grieving and you have pain but you aren't taking that pain out on them.  Also make sure as an adoptive couple you are open about how the contact is affecting you and your family.

It may be after 6 months you are ready for more contact and feel that it has been good for you and your family.  You need to be open about that.  If it hasn't been good for you.... SAY IT!!!!  Not being open about your feelings will only lead to problems down the road.

I believe (and this is from experience) that if you as a birth family and adoptive family talk every 6 months with a case worker or counselor about how the contact has been going and set new boundaries it will only make the relationship stronger.

After all this I know that EVERY situation is different and some things that have worked for me won't work for others but I truly believe that this funnel system allows for the best communication between birth family and adoptive family.

I'm willing to answer questions that you may have. ask away and share away.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I am NOT her mother.....

A dear friend of mine (J) recently made a profile.  I love that girl and love that she opened up about her adoption experience (she's a birth mother to JJ) and made a profile.  In her profile she stated that she was a first time mom.  Someone read that and well they thought it would be a good idea to flat out attack my friend.

M stated HERE in her wonderful attack on J:
You say you are a first-time mom to your SECOND born child because you gave the first one away. Now, I am not a swearing woman, but WHAT IN THE HELL are you smoking? Are you so intoxicated on the adoption Kool-aid that it runs icy cold through your veins instead of real blood? Is your heart so beyond feeling that you cannot for ONE MOMENT realize the damage your careless attitude and words will cause your TRUE first born child? What kind of mental-gymnastics did you have to go through to come up with this idea or was it something your counselor from LDSFS put into your pretty little head?

Well dear M.... SHE IS A FIRST TIME MOM!  It is my belief and many other people's belief that simply because you give birth to a child does not make you their mother.  Simply because JJ grew in J's womb does not make her JJ's mother.  A mother can be a woman other than the biological parent, especially if she fulfills the main social role in raising the child.  In fact if you go to wikipedia the first definition of mother is.... "a woman who has raised a child."  So M since you have your panties in such a bind that they are clearly spewing out of your mouth why don't you take on society because society is who has put that definition out there.  Society is the one you should be flat out attacking.  They also believe that a mother is the woman who raises the child.  Which in J's case would be the adoptive mother.

J is a first time mom just as I was a first time mom when I became Cayden's mother.  Get off your sad sorry horse and realize that it's not that J is thoughtless or heartless it is that she has respect for JJ's mother.  Having respect for her means that she wouldn't claim the label that RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO ANOTHER WOMAN.  A woman that she trusted to raise and love the baby girl she brought into this world.  The woman that she wanted to be JJ's mother.

Just as J isn't JJ's mother I am not Ally's mother.  I didn't fully realize this until after a visit with Cayden and Ally.  I realized then that I loved Ally differently than I loved Cayden.  And you know there is NOTHING wrong with that because Ally has a mother that loves her, and cares for her.  She has a mother that she runs to when her feelings are hurt, she has a mother that calms her fears and tucks in her at night.  I remember the visit when I realized that my feelings were different about Cayden and Ally.  For a little bit I thought I was wrong to feel differently about them.  That was until I realized that I was right.  Ally wasn't my daughter and Cayden was my son.  I should feel differently toward Cayden because I am the one that he runs to for love, I am the one that clams his fears and tucks him in at night.  My blog post about my feelings can be read HERE.

So again M.... You have no right to attack J in such a way nor do you have a right to say that she isn't a first time mom.  She in fact as the definition set by society is a first time mom!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Wanting to quit...

I'm going to vent here for a minute.  Get good and angry.  Cry even.  Say things that I need to say.  Get things off of my chest.  I need to so I can be ok with things.  Read if you want to.  I don't really care.

There are times where I want to quit thinking about things.  Where I want my mind to stop working so dang hard to remember every little detail of every little thing that I can't control.  A few weeks ago I finally reached my breaking point.  I know in past posts I have told about Cayden's adoption and that it is a semi-closed adoption.  I just want to write about what that semi-closed adoption looked like just recently and what it looks like now.

In the past I talked about Cayden's birth mother with him.  There would be times where he would mean to say his birth mothers name but would instead say his god mother's name (the person -besides family- that helped Daniel out the most when he was single parenting) and I would correct him.  There would be questions he would ask and be talking about his birth mother but be giving details and things about his god mother and I would correct him.  I would remind him on occasion who people were (like "Cayden Jordan is your birth mother and Tiffy is your god mother.  That means Tiffy helped take care of you and you grew in Jordan's belly").  I would allow him to text his birth mother and ask questions and even allow him to call her on the phone on occasion.  I would notice slight changes in behavior directly following phone conversations but I chalked it up to "adjustment".  In the past I updated a blog for Cayden's birth mother, made special gifts for his birth mother on significant holidays (usually the gifts were hand made and included Cayden's hand print or footprints).  I use to be very generous with the communication between me and Cayden's birth mother.

I'm sure you've noticed the past tense in all of this.... That is because those things will no longer happen.  That sounds so harsh and so blunt.  But after the worst nightmare in history of nightmares.... I'M DONE!!!!

You can say I'm a horrible adoptive parent for going back on my word and not allowing Cayden's birth mother to be part of his life.  You can tell me all you want that I'm keeping a big part of who he is from him.  You can tell me I'm just damaging him and his birth mother.  You can tell me the future is only going to be harder because of what I'm keeping from him in the present.  Tell me I'm making his birth mothers grief all that much... Go ahead.... tell me...say it 'til you're blue in the face I really don't care any more.  I'm done being the nice one!  I'm done beating around the bush and not saying things I want to because I'm trying to be nice and "protect" Cayden's birth family... You hear me I'M DONE!!!!!

From now on I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night to my child screaming "MOMMY!  MOMMY SAVE ME FROM JORDAN!"  I don't want to wake up 3 times a night to my child crying like he's being beaten.  I don't want to hold my screaming child and have to tell him "It's ok Cayden.  You can't ever be hurt like that again."  I shouldn't have to do that.  NO mother should have to do that.

I don't want to lie to my child and tell him some of his favorite Christmas presents are from Tiffy when really they are from Jordan.  If I told him they were from Jordan he'd never touch them (just like his favorite movie he got from her last Christmas that he attempted to throw away and has yet to watch because he knew it was from her).  I don't want to expect things from his birth grandmother and then have to back track and figure something else out.  I'm DONE beating around the bush with my child.  From now on I won't have to lie to him.  I won't have to change the subject.  I won't have to "rescue" him from his nightmares.

So now this is what the semi-closed adoption will look like....
I will update a blog every 6 months with 1 picture of Cayden that will be posted for 2 days.  If Cayden asks questions I'll answer them but I'm not bringing things up.  I'm done correcting him.  When he mistakes Tiffy for Jordan I'm going to let him believe that.  IF there is ever another gift from his birth mother I'm going to tell him exactly who it's from and when he ends up hiding it or throwing it away I'll take him and buy him a new one.  His adoption book has been removed from his book shelf and replaced with a picture book of when we were sealed as a family FOREVER!  I don't care if anyone knows he's adopted any more.  And I'm not sending or asking for another thing from his birth family.  I don't care what the occasion is.

Yep you read the folks... I am mean and harsh and rude and horrible for cutting her out but really.... I can't do it any more.  I LOVE open adoption.  I think it's healthy and wonderful and healing and so great for the birth family and adoptive family.  I HATE that I have to say Cayden's adoption is semi-closed.  I don't like it.  I wish it were different.  But I can't change the past.  I can't change that Cayden is terrified of his birth mother and the horrible things that she did to him.  I can't change it.... I wish with every fiber of my being that I could. I wish there was a way to erase his memory and replace every bad thing with a good thing.  But my wishes on this aren't going to come true.  I'm going to have to buck up, face reality and realize that open adoption is NOT healthy for my son.

When Cayden is 18 I will tell him the full extend of things that happened to him in the past.  He can choose to involve his birth family or not.  Either way... I'm done.

I'm bawling right now because this hurts my soul to do this.  I hate being the bad guy!  I hate hurting people!  I wish more than anything it could be different.... Oh how I wish.