Monday, May 7, 2012

New determination

So... there are some days in may that are usually hard for me.... May 10 is Ally's birthday, this year the 12th is birth mother's day, mother's day is the 13th, placement day is the 14th, and the anniversary or Deb's passing is the 16th.  I haven't ever blogged about Deb before, there is a reason, maybe one day I will.  Just know that Deb was like a mother to me.  Those days are usually very emotional days.  BUT THIS YEAR... This year I have a new determination.  I am determined to not dwell on the pain of those days but to focus on the joy each of these days holds.

May 10th, 2007 was one of the most amazing days of my life.  Ally being born brought a new life into my soul that I wouldn't have had with out her.  She was at the time my saving grace.  She brought me back to the path I needed to be on and taught me that I had big goals that I wanted to fulfill.

May 12th, 2007 was the day I relinquished my parental right.  There wasn't joy in the moment but now, 5 years later, the joy is beyond imaginable.  Signing those papers allowed her earthly mother and father to give her everything and anything that I wasn't/isn't able to.
May 12, 2012 is birth mother's day.   Birth Mother's Day this year will be a year that I don't think of myself.  It will be a day where I think of those around me.  Those I know that have become birth mother's.  Those I know that have earned the right to be called a birth  mother.  This year I will once again thank Jordan (Cayden's birth mother) for the gift and blessing she gave me by allowing me to be Cayden's mother.  This year I will help Cayden to celebrate her as well.

May 13, 2012 is Mother's day.  I have an AMAZING mother who does SO much for me and my children.  She has been by my side through thick and thin even when I'm sure she would have much rather sent me to the loony pin.  This year I will make sure she knows how thankful I am for all the love and support she has shown me through the years

This year I will make sure and let Lori know how truly grateful I am to her.  How grateful I am for the example she has been to me through the years.  This year I will let her know that I couldn't ask for a better mother for Ally than her.  She is an inspiration to me and has been everything I could have ever hoped for Ally to have.  But more than Ally's mother she's ALWAYS been a friend to me.  She's always showed genuine care and concern for me and I am so grateful she has.

May 14, 2007 was one of the hardest most gut wrenching days of my life.  In the moment I thought my world was falling apart.  I felt like I was being torn in two and had no way of saving myself.  Placing Ally into her mother's arms was undeniably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  BUT it was by far the BEST thing I have ever done.  
May 14, 2012... I am going to write a personal and private letter to Ally.  I will mail it to her mother and she can give it to her when she feels it is right.  I want Ally to fully understand why I made the decision I did.  I want her to know that never for one second have I forgotten about her.  I want her to know that I will always be honored to be her birth mother and the person who was blessed to bring her into this world and give her to the eternal family that she was ALWAYS meant to be with.

May 16, 2009 is a day I will never forget.  That day I lost a dear friend of mine.  Someone who was an amazing example of love, sacrifice, passion, selflesness and the person who made the most impact on my life with regards to adoption.  After a heroic battle with cancer Deb returned to live with our Father in heaven and forever watch over me and my children.  The void she left will never be filled.  I cried harder that day than I ever had in 2 years.
May 16, 2012 I will remember the legacy Deb left with me.  I will be happy that I was blessed with as many years with deb as I was.  Anthony and Dave will always be special people in my life and this year I will celebrate them along with their mother and wife.  This year I will have flowers delivered to her grave site at Arlington national Cemetery (thank you Cherlyn) to celebrate the time that we spent together.  The months I cared for her while she was ill and the years she taught me SO much about EVERYTHING!

Is it going to be easy, probably not.  But I can't allow the hard feelings of all of this hold me down this month.  I have to rise above it and become a stronger person because of everything that those days mean to me.


Alli said...

I am so glad you are choosing to focus on the positive. It makes all the difference!

Katelyn Krum Shaw said...

I'm not sure why it's taken me this long to realize it but I'm glad I finally did!