Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Just another Hard day

It's really not easy... Today I attempted to update Jaxson's baby book.  I didn't get very far though.  I did really good updating his book monthly until he got sick in November and then I just haven't had the time.  As I was reading through things my heart was breaking.  Odd I know.  I kept thinking about all the things I didn't know about Cayden as a baby and all the things I didn't know about Ally growing up.  Ally's mother is wonderful at keeping me updated but that isn't the same.  There are little things that you don't think about that I wonder.  I mean as open as our relationship is I don't know what Ally's first word was.  In fact I don't know what Cayden's first word was because neither his father, birth mother, nor paternal grandparents can come up with the same freaking answer (that actually makes me really mad).
Jaxson's first word was Papa.  He LOVES my dad!  You say papa and his face lights up he runs to the door and is ready to go see his papa.  If ever my dad is around he is the first person he runs to.  I'm not joking he LOVES my dad.
There are things that I think down the road Cayden may ask me and honestly I won't have the answer.  It hurts that I don't know the answers and it makes me angry too.  I wish I could ask his birth mother but every time I have I haven't exactly gotten a straight answer, not to mention there is a gap of 4 months where she never saw him.  Those 4 months were from 8  months to a year... so who knows if she even knows the answers to the questions that I have.  Ya it's really frustrating!
I know that I could ask Lori and and all of my questions about Ally but honestly I kind of feel like it shouldn't be that big of a deal.  Lori is amazing and sends me updates on the days where I just need the.  The days where I can't stop thinking and wondering about Ally.  I ALWAYS get an update on the days that I need one.  I know I can ask the questions that I wonder but I don't want to add to the stress of their already busy lives.  In all honestly I sometimes feel like I'm a burden on their family.  They have 5 adopted children 2 older than Ally and 2 younger than Ally.  The 2 older were open but have progressively become less and less open just because lives get busy and such.  The 2 younger 1 is completely closed and the other is semi open.  I'm also the ONLY local (and by local I mean that we live 15 maybe 20 minutes apart the others are across the country) birth mother.  There are times where I feel like they are burdened by my desire to have contact.  Not because of anything they say or do but because they have a crazy busy life.
Do any of you birth mothers out there feel that way?
Do you ever feel guilty for wanting more contact or asking for a visit?
Lately that's my problem.  I would love to see Lori and the kids but I feel so guilty asking for a visit and being a burden.  I don't want to burden their beautiful family at all.  I can't really explain these feelings well and it's frustrating.
As of late I've opened up Cayden's adoption a little bit more.  You'll remember just recently that I was done and was cutting contact to the minimum... I am now updating a blog for his birth family when I have time.  Every time I wonder about Ally and how she's doing I also wonder if Jordan is thinking about Cayden.  I can't say that I know or think she is but I still wonder.
April is the beginning of a really emotional couple months for me.  Cayden's birthday is ALWAYS bitter sweet for me and that leads into Ally's birthday, birth mother's day, and mothers day.  I try to focus on the present but the pains of the past always seem to come shooting back.  Even looking forward to the future of what my family has coming for us doesn't seem to overshadow the past and what I missed.

No comments: