Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Wanting to quit...

I'm going to vent here for a minute.  Get good and angry.  Cry even.  Say things that I need to say.  Get things off of my chest.  I need to so I can be ok with things.  Read if you want to.  I don't really care.

There are times where I want to quit thinking about things.  Where I want my mind to stop working so dang hard to remember every little detail of every little thing that I can't control.  A few weeks ago I finally reached my breaking point.  I know in past posts I have told about Cayden's adoption and that it is a semi-closed adoption.  I just want to write about what that semi-closed adoption looked like just recently and what it looks like now.

In the past I talked about Cayden's birth mother with him.  There would be times where he would mean to say his birth mothers name but would instead say his god mother's name (the person -besides family- that helped Daniel out the most when he was single parenting) and I would correct him.  There would be questions he would ask and be talking about his birth mother but be giving details and things about his god mother and I would correct him.  I would remind him on occasion who people were (like "Cayden Jordan is your birth mother and Tiffy is your god mother.  That means Tiffy helped take care of you and you grew in Jordan's belly").  I would allow him to text his birth mother and ask questions and even allow him to call her on the phone on occasion.  I would notice slight changes in behavior directly following phone conversations but I chalked it up to "adjustment".  In the past I updated a blog for Cayden's birth mother, made special gifts for his birth mother on significant holidays (usually the gifts were hand made and included Cayden's hand print or footprints).  I use to be very generous with the communication between me and Cayden's birth mother.

I'm sure you've noticed the past tense in all of this.... That is because those things will no longer happen.  That sounds so harsh and so blunt.  But after the worst nightmare in history of nightmares.... I'M DONE!!!!

You can say I'm a horrible adoptive parent for going back on my word and not allowing Cayden's birth mother to be part of his life.  You can tell me all you want that I'm keeping a big part of who he is from him.  You can tell me I'm just damaging him and his birth mother.  You can tell me the future is only going to be harder because of what I'm keeping from him in the present.  Tell me I'm making his birth mothers grief all that much... Go ahead.... tell me...say it 'til you're blue in the face I really don't care any more.  I'm done being the nice one!  I'm done beating around the bush and not saying things I want to because I'm trying to be nice and "protect" Cayden's birth family... You hear me I'M DONE!!!!!

From now on I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night to my child screaming "MOMMY!  MOMMY SAVE ME FROM JORDAN!"  I don't want to wake up 3 times a night to my child crying like he's being beaten.  I don't want to hold my screaming child and have to tell him "It's ok Cayden.  You can't ever be hurt like that again."  I shouldn't have to do that.  NO mother should have to do that.

I don't want to lie to my child and tell him some of his favorite Christmas presents are from Tiffy when really they are from Jordan.  If I told him they were from Jordan he'd never touch them (just like his favorite movie he got from her last Christmas that he attempted to throw away and has yet to watch because he knew it was from her).  I don't want to expect things from his birth grandmother and then have to back track and figure something else out.  I'm DONE beating around the bush with my child.  From now on I won't have to lie to him.  I won't have to change the subject.  I won't have to "rescue" him from his nightmares.

So now this is what the semi-closed adoption will look like....
I will update a blog every 6 months with 1 picture of Cayden that will be posted for 2 days.  If Cayden asks questions I'll answer them but I'm not bringing things up.  I'm done correcting him.  When he mistakes Tiffy for Jordan I'm going to let him believe that.  IF there is ever another gift from his birth mother I'm going to tell him exactly who it's from and when he ends up hiding it or throwing it away I'll take him and buy him a new one.  His adoption book has been removed from his book shelf and replaced with a picture book of when we were sealed as a family FOREVER!  I don't care if anyone knows he's adopted any more.  And I'm not sending or asking for another thing from his birth family.  I don't care what the occasion is.

Yep you read the folks... I am mean and harsh and rude and horrible for cutting her out but really.... I can't do it any more.  I LOVE open adoption.  I think it's healthy and wonderful and healing and so great for the birth family and adoptive family.  I HATE that I have to say Cayden's adoption is semi-closed.  I don't like it.  I wish it were different.  But I can't change the past.  I can't change that Cayden is terrified of his birth mother and the horrible things that she did to him.  I can't change it.... I wish with every fiber of my being that I could. I wish there was a way to erase his memory and replace every bad thing with a good thing.  But my wishes on this aren't going to come true.  I'm going to have to buck up, face reality and realize that open adoption is NOT healthy for my son.

When Cayden is 18 I will tell him the full extend of things that happened to him in the past.  He can choose to involve his birth family or not.  Either way... I'm done.

I'm bawling right now because this hurts my soul to do this.  I hate being the bad guy!  I hate hurting people!  I wish more than anything it could be different.... Oh how I wish.


Kati said...

You are totally justified and if anyone says different I will beat them with one of henrys poopy diapers.

Katelyn Krum Shaw said...

Thank you kati!

Anonymous said...

Open adoptions are healthy, ONLY if they are healthy!! That poor sweet little boy... and poor you for being in a tough spot to make a hard decision. You are admirable, and as long as you are doing what is best for that little boy, you are in the right.

Dave and Lizzie said...

I just discovered your blog and have had tears streaming down my face several times since. This post breaks my heart for you and your little Cayden. You are wonderful and so amazing to look out for him like you have been. Such hard choices you've had to make. I admire you and I hope with all my heart that your sweet boy can forget the things that brought on these fears. You have such a beautiful family.

Dena said...

My daughter was 8 when we adopted her. We had contact with her grandpa and brother for several years, then she wanted to close it. I had to follow her, so I did. I still sent pictures and gave updates.

She eventually opened back up to them and has even met with her bmom and little sister. As kids get older, the adoption has to revolve around their wishes. It sounds like your little one is making his known.

b.extraordinary said...

This is sad. I think for the most part you are doing right but I would be careful what you let him believe to be true if it is not true. It is your job to protect him even if it means from his own flesh and blood (which is a shame). I would suggest either he gets some professional help or you as a family go. The nightmares are trying to tell you something that is bothering him. I don't think you are intentionally being the bad guy but one day you will need to let him choose his own path of what he wants to do. Good luck girl!