Saturday, September 10, 2011

Feeling CRAZY

I've thought about posting this for a very long time but didn't because I felt like I was the only one that had these feelings.... I wasn't and I'm not.  There are many reasons why I love open adoption but one of the biggest ones is because of the friends I have made.  Friends that I can turn to in times of need and friends that know they can turn to me in times of need.  Today I had a dear friend messaged me with this message...

I am on verge of mental breakdown at every second. I can't stop crying! I heard its like this with your second baby for a lot of that how it was for you!

Oh my gosh!  All I could say was YES!!!!!  I cried more days than I didn't.  The crazy set of emotions came the moment the pregnancy test was positive.  Even though we were trying to get pregnant, had actually been pregnant 3 times before (and miscarried) I was TERRIFIED to tell people.  Most of all my husband.  By this point we had decided that we wouldn't get our hopes up until we made it to 15 weeks... Can I just say 6 weeks to 15 weeks seems like FOREVER!  I was terrified that he's react how Brandon did and want nothing to do with me or tell me the timing was all wrong or something stupid like that.  I had no reason to worry about that because we'd been trying to get pregnant... the timing was perfect but I was still terrified.

Once we hit 15 weeks (and I could carry more than a gallon of milk) a whole new set of emotions came.  Emotions that I wasn't ready for, didn't know what they were, and honestly didn't feel like dealing with.  So I became an emotional basket case!  I would flip out at Daniel when he would try and help me and then I'd start crying because I got angry with him.  I was really sick the majority of my pregnancy and didn't want Daniel to help me at all.  I had done one pregnancy on my own I was determined to do another that way.

More crazy emotions came out when we found out we were having a boy.  I'm not going to go into too much detail because I already did HERE.  After we found out we'd be having a boy I cried for the better part of 2 weeks.  Ok when I say better part of 2 weeks I really mean I cried every day for 2 weeks pretty much solid. When I had FINALLY come to terms with the fact that I'd be having a boy a whole new set of emotions came at me... Something I wasn't at all prepared for....

I realized for the first time EXACTLY what I missed out on with Ally.  I knew when I decided on adoption there would be things I would miss... but it didn't hit me until I was preparing to do all those things with the baby I was currently carrying.  And then everything was made 100 times worse when I would think about the things that I wasn't able to do with Cayden.  I blogged about it HERE.

There were things that happened after Jaxson was born that would send me off the edge.  Things that normally wouldn't have bugged me made me cry for days, like when someone in our family told everyone about Jaxson's blessing and I wasn't able to do that.  I FREAKED out.  Normally I'm sure it wouldn't have been an issue but because I wasn't able to do that for either Cayden or Ally I felt like they had taken something away from me by telling everyone.

And then after dealing with severe health problems and spending the majority of the first 5 months of Jaxson's life either in the hospital or stuck in bed/recliner I realized something.... Something that also brought clarity to my friend.

All of the feelings and emotions that I felt during and after placement were pushed down and out of the way (not in a bad way) and now that I was in some what of a similar situation (the fact that I was pregnant) those feelings came back.  Emotions that I hadn't dealt with or felt in years were coming back full force.

I still have moments where I "hit crazy town" (haha that's what we call it around these parts) but for the most part knowing why I'm emotional about certain things has brought a ton of peace to the situation.  So I hope I'm not only in this.  I hope I'm not the only one that struggled with certain things after placing a baby for adoption.  I hope me sharing this will help other birth mothers deal with the emotions that come along with the wonderful gifts that we give.

I LOVE every minute of Jaxson's life.  I love the gift that I have been given and the peace that has come from him becoming part of our family.  I love the bond that him and Cayden share and the joy that I see in their faces when they interact.  I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have such sweet boys all to myself!  Aren't they adorable?!

1 comment:

Josh and Shaleese said...

You're strength amazes me. I could have never gone through the things you do! You are a very incredible person! I so happy I was there for the 1st pregnancy so we could meet!!! :) jaxon is adorable!!