Saturday, September 24, 2011

Does being sorry matter?

There are 3 things in my past I wish more than anything I could change.  The first one happened the end of my sophomore year of high school. The second one happened in March of 2008 and the third one... well it happened over a period 6 months in 2009.  At the time I felt no regret over my decisions.  I never thought I was in the wrong.  I did what I thought would make the situation at hand better but it ended up creating more of a mess.  Not many of you will know what I'm talking about.  I'm fine with that.  It's something me and my husband have battled our entire marriage.  A trial we faced because of decisions we made.  I prayed for the peace that my husband felt regarding the situation and I NEVER got it.  It wasn't until recently I realized why... It wasn't my peace to feel.  I just have to have the faith that the decision he made in the situation was the right one.  There were people involved who said and did hurtful things, including myself.  With time our (mine and Daniel's) wounds have began to heal... they are still there and will still hurt for a while.  However it wasn't just me and Daniel involved in the situation.  Does she (the other person involved) still hurt? I have no idea.  Has she begun to heal?  I don't know.  Does she understand our hurt over the situation? No.  Do we understand her hurt over the situation? No.  Will there ever be peace between all 3 of us? No (I hope and pray there can be but I don't think there ever will be).  Does me being sorry for things that were said and done really matter?  I don't know that it matters to her... I don't know that she cares.  To me it means I've grown from the mistakes I've made.  I don't know if she will ever read this.  I don't know that she cares what I have to say.  In all honestly that doesn't matter to me.  What matters to me is that I say it out loud for others to know.  I'm truly, deeply, honestly and 100% sorry about how things turned out.  I'm sorry about things that were said.  I'm sorry about how I reacted to things she said.  I'm sorry the situation couldn't have been different.  Simply because I'm sorry doesn't mean I don't know that the situation was what was best for all involved.  I hope that my sorry can maybe begin to heal a wound I caused unintentionally.  I hope that my sorry can help her realize I'm not the person I was 3 years ago.  But even if she doesn't realize that, I'm still sorry.

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