Monday, May 23, 2011

I wonder

I was able to visit with Ally today.  I spent part of the morning at her house watching her and Cayden run around the back yard and play together while I talked with Lori.  It was joy I tell you, pure joy.  And as I was talking to Lori I wondered if the relationship that I have with them will ever fade.  I asked Lori her thoughts on the matter, because frankly she's like my best friend and I tell her everything, and was some what relieved and yet surprised by her answer.  "Yes I think with time the contact will lessen, but that's ok."  Part of me believes that too.  As my life continues, as my family grows, and as their lives continue I believe the contact will diminish.  Am I ok with that? I think I am.  I LOVE having an open adoption and I know that if the contact does diminish that at any point in time I could talk to them about it and make a change if I wanted to.  I'm grateful for the relationship I have with them.  There are days where I hold onto every ounce of that relationship to get me through the day.  But those days are become fewer and father between and I'm becoming more myself without them.  It's wonderful how our relationship is now.  I cherish the friendship that I have with every member of their family.  I love that I can ask Lori personal questions and know that she understand me.  I truly believe we met before this life and have been reunited through the joy of adoption.  More than anything I love that I'm not tied down to anything.  I can progress and change and it's a good thing.  I can move forward with my life.  Some people may say that I'm forgetting my child, that I'm being a horrible mother for being ok with that.  Some people may think that because I am ok with the contact diminishing that I don't care for Ally.  Those people are wrong.  I will always and forever care for that little girl.  She holds a piece of my heart that will never be touched by another living soul.  But because I care that doesn't mean I have to continue to live stagnant in my life.  I love the relationship that I have with the adoptive couple and I wouldn't change how it is.... right now.  Time will change it.  And I have to be ok with that.
Robby, Ally, and Jaxson.  Cayden refused to be in the picture the stink head!


Stacey said...

I remember seeing your video when we went through our training with it's about love. Your video changed our lives! Before your video we were thinking about a closed adoption, after seeing how much you love your daughter and how hard it was for you to place we couldn't think of anything but to be open with our birth family. We just adore them and are so thankful to have them in our lives. Thanks you so much for sharing! Would you mind being a guest on my blog?

Shaw Family said...

Stacey, I would love to. I'm currently having some health problems so send me your email and I'll let you know when I'm feeling better. hopefully soon!