Thursday, October 6, 2011

missing them...

This is something I've never blogged about and never really thought it was common to feel.  But when I read this blog post HERE I realized that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

When I first met Lori and Barton the connection was immediate.  We quickly became friends.  I was pregnant during the holidays and even spent time with their extended families at temple square (you can read that post HERE).  I would frequently text Lori during the week telling her how I was doing and asking what they were doing.  I spent time with their oldest boys and connected with their family.  I didn't really expect much to change after placement and was a bit shocked when it did.

After placement I felt an ache that was different than the one that I felt for Ally.  I felt an ache for 2 people who had become my rock through everything.  2 people who had been by my side through all of the trials through my unplanned pregnancy.  I met Lori and Barton almost 5 years ago this November (wow I can't believe it's been that long).  Lori wouldn't randomly text me throughout the day to ask how I was doing.  I missed that more than I thought I would.  I thought of them as my best friends through my pregnancy and it was like the dropped off the face of the planet after placement.  I don't blame them at all.  They had a new baby to bond with, and 2 boys that needed their attention too.  I just think that NOONE prepared me for that.  I had been told that things may be different but I don't think ANYONE expected me to miss them so deeply.  I cried many days because I felt alone in a way I hadn't ever through my pregnancy.

Lori and Barton didn't understand my feelings and they had their own feelings.  When I wanted to talk to them about things I couldn't because I felt like if I expressed my pain over the situation they would feel like I had regret over my decision.  And maybe if they thought I felt regret they would cut contact and close the adoption.  That was the last thing that I wanted.  I felt like I couldn't be open with them about my feelings and I wish more than anything someone had told me to talk about my feelings.  Let them know that I missed them.  Tell them that they mean the world to you and you still need their support.

As an adoptive mother I will do anything for Cayden's birth mother.  If she ever needed my support I would be there for her.  I believe that Lori and Barton feel the same for me.  I feel like they would be willing to help me if need be.  So my advice, my words of wisdom would be... talk with the couple.  If you know them well enough to miss them, express that to them.  Let them know it's not regret of the decision you made but that it's a longing for their friendship that you miss.
Lori and Barton seeing Ally for the first time.


Cherlyn said...

I love that you posted this. I have to say that I have been talking to Nick's birth mom about this very thing preparing her for what happens. As adoptive parents, you don't want it to, but the demand of a newborn definitely slows everything down. All my friends missed me. It is do hard on everyone.

Katelyn Shaw said...

It was something I didn't ever think would bug me but it sure did.