Sunday, October 16, 2011

Things a birth mother shouldn't say to an adoptive mother....

While I know I'm no where near perfect I do have a pretty good understanding of two of the three sides to adoption.  I've tried to say only the right things to Lori and Barton to never allow them to feel like I've felt because of things that have been said to me.  And the same goes for Cayden's birth mother Jordan.  So because I have NEVER read another post like this from the adoptive mothers point of view I thought I'd share what I've learned.

I'm starting out with a list of blogger birth moms that have posted lists of things not to say to birth mothers.  There are some seriously stupid people out there and then there are people who just don't know any better.  I've had a few things said to me that hit a soft spot and I didn't exactly know how to respond.  So please educate yourself on what types of things a birth mother doesn't exactly need or want to hear.

http://www.thehappiestsad.com/2009/11/how-to-irritate-birth-mother.html
http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/2010/11/19-negative-and-positive-birthmom.html
http://birthmom-buds.blogspot.com/2011/10/theyre-only-words-right.html

Now on to my list of things I feel you should never say to an adoptive mother.  While I know I'm no where near perfect I do have a pretty good understanding of both sides of this.  I've tried to say only the right things to Lori and Barton to never allow them to feel like I've felt because of things that have been said to me.

He looks just like me.  Every day he keeps looking more and more like me.  Wow he looks just like his birth father. Yes as an adoptive mother we understand that our looks don't go into the child... we get it... stop rubbing it in!

She is just like I was when I was little.  While I believe that nature is part of a child I truly believe that nurture is a bigger part.  So while you (a birth mother) as a kid may have danced like a dork I'm pretty sure the adoptive mother also danced like a dork.  You get what I mean right?

I'd really feel best if you didn't sing that song to her any more.  Please keep in mind that you are the birth mother.  You have given up your right to tell the adoptive mother how to parent, what to say, what to do, and where to go when it comes to the child.  I know at times it's hard and frustrating that the adoptive couple isn't doing it the way you would.... it isn't your place to tell them to do things differently.

I miss him so much I wish I would have never placed him. While I completely understand those feelings that is the LAST thing an adoptive mother needs to hear.  Regret over a placement is real.  It hurts.  I NEVER wanted Lori and Barton to know I questioned my decision.  There is something to be said about a birth mother that will tell someone they never placed the child to begin with.  I'm not saying it's not normal to have those feelings but to share them with the adoptive mother/couple... that's crossing a line.  The joy that an adoptive couple feels after placement comes at a price, they already know that.  Wishing that joy away can be VERY painful!

I think you'd be afraid to know my real feelings.  There is a hurt that a birth mother goes through.  Feelings that are hard, and real, and hurt so deeply.  BUT there is a hurt that an adoptive mother feels as well.  Not only the hurt from infertility but the hurt from seeing someone they truly care about go through something so painful.  No an adoptive mother can't understand a birth mothers feelings when it comes to adoption.  But they have their feelings of their own.  Telling them they'd be afraid solves NOTHING!

Are you sure you want another one?  Once we place our children into the arms of their adoptive parents their family choices are no longer our choice.  Questioning their desire to continue to add to their family is honestly, truly, and NEVER has been our business.  The gift a birth mother gives an adoptive mother is wonderful but questioning if they should be wanting more children is uncalled for.

"No one is going to know him like I do. They're not going to know how to comfort him or react to him, he's part me. I know me and he's part me. He has my personality and I get him." I have linked this to a blog post that I was given by the birth mother herself.  She said it's ok for me to post the link.  Thanks SD!  When I read this my heart hurt!  It hurt a thousand times!  While that was never said to me I hurt just thinking if it were.  I have never nor will I ever claim to know Ally better than Lori.  While the situation with Cayden and Jordan is different a child grows and changes and I believe the me as his mother knows him better than his birth mother.  In fact I can tell you exactly what to say to set him into a tail spin of rage.  I know his most favorite stuffed animal to sleep with, where it came from, why it's his favorite, and what happens if he can't find it.  I know better than anyone what do say to him to make him calm down and how to explain certain things to him.  This seriously dug deep I tell you.  Now maybe if I hadn't been on the other side of adoption it wouldn't.  I can't answer that anymore.

I know these are only a few.  Some haven't been said to me but said to adoptive mother friends of mine.  Thank you C I couldn't do some of the things I know I must if it weren't for you!  I'm sure there are more that have been said... so feel free to comment and add to the list!

Also here is a list of posts that are coming very soon.
Shannon's story-From marriage to placement
Amy's story-Placement after parenting
Jessica's story- Teen Parenting


And to kick of November (National Adoption Month) I will be doing a guest post on My Yellow Sandbox followed by 1 post every day for the whole month!  Can't wait!  SO much to look forward to!

8 comments:

Monika said...

Unbelievable. My mouth dropped open at the gall of some birthmoms! While I understand the pain completely, I can't understand making comments like that.

On another note, can you email me at monika.zimmerman@gmail.com? I have something to ask you, and you don't have a contact email or anything on your blog. :)

chittisterchildren said...

Can I share one that bugged me? "No one in our family eats peas, so he's never going to eat peas." Seriously? Food preferences are not genetic. And for the record, peas are one of the foods that my son will always eat.

I don't mind the looking like/acting like comments, if they're not obviously done to insult. It's one thing to say, "Oh! We both love math!" but another to say, "Oh! We both love math! You know he gets that from me."

Katelyn Krum Shaw said...

That would really bug me too! I can't count the number of times someone has said "does his birth mother act like that (or do that)?" To which the response is usually "Well no she doesn't but I do." I get some of the strangest looks when I say that!

Anonymous said...

Hello, I think you all need to study more about what really goes into the personality of a human being. It is far more genetic than one realizes, including likes and dislikes, not to mention the physical characteristics.

There may be emotional for the adoptive mother, but society glories the adoptive mother already, and demonizes the birthmother, which is kind of what you are doing here.

Birthmothers lose everything. They lose their child. Don't you get it. They relinquish their child, one of the most painful ongoing lifetime grieving processes one can ever experience. They do it because they are young unselfish mothers who care far more for their child's happiness than their own.

The adoptive mother gets all the credit when they get the love of the child in return. A birth mother gets nothing, although she went through the most painful life experience one can ever imagine, and many relinquish their only child too. They suffer infertility too.

Katelyn Krum Shaw said...

dear Anonymous.... I'm guessing you haven't read my entire blog or even read that I'm a birth mother was well as an adoptive mother. I guess you also haven't read that I have had a VERY hard time staying pregnant since I placed my daughter for adoption. I'm guessing you didn't read that I'm not taking any credit but simply stating things that have been said to me that were hurtful. SO.... before you post anonymous comments... do a little research.

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Katelyn Krum Shaw said...

Stephanie,
Your comment was removed becuase I didn't feel it was anything that needed to be said. feel free to email me and contact me personally if you have problems with me.
Katelyn

Anonymous said...

Everything is how the birthmother feels what about the adoptive Mom? We have been the ones that love care & nuture them into adulthood. Then birthmother wants to walk into the child's life & get credit for all our hard work? Really feel there are two sides to adoption.