Sunday, October 24, 2010

Fears

I've realized this pregnancy that I have many fears... Fears that I don't think are normal but that for whatever I'm experiencing. So here is my list.

  • I fear that I will never have a baby girl and that I lost out on that chance

  • I fear that when this baby comes I will have the same feelings of placement all over again

  • I fear that if this baby doesn't come out completely healthy I'll have an emotional break down.

  • I fear that I will love this baby more than Cayden.

  • I fear that Cayden won't get the time and attention that he needs.

  • I fear that somehow I won't love this baby like I love Cayden.

  • I fear I'm going to have an emotional break down if we find out we're having a boy.

  • I fear that Daniel won't understand if I have an emotional break down if we find out we're going to have a boy.

  • I fear that with everything going on in life I won't be the mother to my children like I know I need to be.

  • I fear that I'll make it to 32 weeks and the baby will be born still born or something.

My list could go on and on about things I fear will happen or will not happen. I think that at times my fears run my life. I dote on Cayden making sure he gets as much love and attention from me as he possibly can before the baby comes. Then at the same time I worry that all the attention I'm giving him is only going to make the transition that much harder. And what if for some reason I feel a different love for a baby that I carried than I do for Cayden. To me right now it makes no sense. I would do anything and everything for Cayden. I love him more than life itself and I can't imagine loving him any less. But what if it's a different kind of love. Is that even possible? When am I going to get to the point that I quit fearing what could be and live for what is? Is that ever possible after the loss (and yes I just said loss) of placing a child for adoption? I still don't know if any of this makes sense and I don't know if it ever will to someone that hasn't lived through the heart ache and pain that I have. I often wish I could talk with Emma Smith. While her situation was different she too felt the loss of loosing a child but then gaining 2 through "adoption". Her strength and testimony is amazing to me. To think that she would bury so many of her children rattles my mind. Out of 7 pregnancies she would only have the joy of raising but a handful of her children. Out of my 5 pregnancies so far(including this one) I will only have the joy of hopefully raising 1 of those children. Yes I have been truly blessed by Cayden. I can't imagine what I would do without that little man. And I believe Emma felt the same way when Joseph and Julia Murdock were brought into her life. Do I have the kind of faith that it takes to be a woman such as Emma? I fear (yes that dreadful word) at times that I may not. I pray that I do. I pray that the Lord will give me strength to carry me through all that I know is ahead of me. And yes I have fears, what I believe are valid fears, that at times seem insurmountable. And today was one of those days. This last week has been one of those weeks. Will I ever really be able to not hurt from Ally's placement?

And for your reading enjoyment
18 weeks pregnant

1 comment:

Brooke & Casey said...

I think that you don't give yourself enough credit for the strength that you have. Katelyn, you have been through SO much! And not only do you live every day to it's fullest when you "fear" and hurt, but you share your story! Your story has touched so many people that I don't think you even realize! My cousin just went through placement and divorce not too long ago. I was talking to his mom, who was having a hard time with it all, and I gave her your blog address and told her to go read it. She LOVES your blog! And know that the trials you have been through in your life totally suck sometimes, but would you change anything? I don't think you would. Everything you have been through has made you the person that you are today! It's normal to have fears. Your always going to have them, but I think your next post shouldn't be about your fears. It should be about the things your excited for! And just think about what a great big brother Cayden will be! You will be ok. You're one of the strongest people I know! Calm yourself down, and enjoy the pregnancy. LET YOURSELF ENJOY THIS PREGNANCY!!!! I'm always here to talk! Love you girl!!!