Saturday, August 28, 2010

It's a GIRL... don't tell me it's not!

We had the appointment set on January 5th to find out for sure that I was having a girl. I let Lori and Barton know that they HAD to be there. I also told my mom she needed to be there. I went into the appointment knowing my baby would be a girl named Allison Grace (Beautiful name right!) Lori and Barton made sure to let me know if it wasn't a girl they would love to have another little boy. I honestly thought my heart would break if it was a boy. We sat in the doctors office waiting our turn. When it came our time I turned to the Ultra sound Tech and had the following conversation....

Me: "Don't tell me if it's not a girl."
Her: "Won't you kind of know if I don't say anything."
Me: "I don't care. This baby needs to be a girl. They (pointing to Lori and Barton) need to have a baby girl."
Her: "Ok, I guess."

After a few minutes of Ultrasounding (ya I didn't know what else to call it) she turned to me and with the biggest smile on her face said....
"It's a girl!"
I started crying and screaming (ya I don't know why screaming) and crying some more. Lori and Barton hugged each other. And my mom was well, my mom.

Me and Lori talked for a little bit afterwords and she let me know how happy they are to be getting a girl. I let Lori know that I was SO happy that she would be the mommy to this little girl.

After we all parted ways I went for another drive.... Only this time I didn't make it very far. I pulled over just out side of the hospital (the exact hospital that I would actually deliver and place at). It hit me.... I would be having a daughter. Something I had dreamed of for years. And then the swift realization came.... I wouldn't be doing all the things with a daughter like I had hoped. I wouldn't get to teach her how to play the piano. I wouldn't get to do her hair and dress her up. I would get to go to her soccer games. I wouldn't get to dress her up in her dance outfits and watch her up on stage. I wouldn't get to sing her to sleep every night and then listen to her sing back to me. I wouldn't get to send her off to school for the first time. The list of things that I wanted to do with my daughter but couldn't kept going through my head. How could I have the strength to give away the one thing that I had been dreaming of nearly my entire life?

I cried, a cry that hurt my soul to the very depths. I knew I HAD to walk away from all those dreams I had, I had no other choice. I knew that my daughter would have so much more with Lori and Barton but man did it hurt admitting that. I allowed myself to fully cry for about 10 minutes and the realized that what I was giving my daughter through placement was far more than what I would ever give her if I parented. I knew then that I would be doing the BEST thing for my child and I wasn't going to let anyone stop me.

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