Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Walking into the agency

I parked as close to the agency doors as I could, that way the walk would be short. Little did I know that parking where I could see the doors would make it so that I emotionally wasn't able to let my physical body get out of the car. I sat in my car, gripping the steering wheel telling myself that no matter what they said I was going to parent. They couldn't convince me to give my baby away. Ten minutes later I finally decided that sitting in my car was doing me no good. So I opened the door, walked to the doors and slowly opened the left one (still to this day, I always go in that left door). I sat down and waited for a case worker. In walked miss tall blonde and beautiful, also known as Talaisha. She walked me down a long hall and into a private room. I wish I could remember everything that she said. I remember her asking me what the birth father had said. I broke down crying. She let me know that I still had option even though Branden didn't want to be involved. She walked me through the finances of everything and let me know how hard single parenting would be. I told her I didn't care how hard it would be, it's my child and I'm going to keep it. Then the words that struck me to the core. "If that's the choice you make Katelyn then I will support you 100%. But why don't you pray about it first."

I felt like saying... pray about it? Seriously! I'm pregnant! You think Heavenly Father is going to listen to a word I have to say? Ya I don't think so. But instead the word "ok" came out of my mouth.

I drove home in a daze. Wondering if praying about this really would help me. I had committed the most horrible of sins and yet I was being told to pray. Would Heavenly Father hear me or would he just shut me out like I felt he would? I didn't know if it was even worth trying but I had told someone I would do something. So I needed to follow through.

When I got home I walked into my parents house, down the stairs and into my bedroom. I was never one for praying on my knees but this time I felt if I was going to pray about it, I better do it the right way. I knelt beside my bed and for the first time in months prayed vocally to my Heavenly Father. My prayer was most unconventional. I asked why I had gotten pregnant when I had done everything right to not get pregnant, birth control and condoms. The thought then struck me, you had sex Katelyn(DUH!). I then asked, "Father, what do I do?" The response was not what I wanted, expected or thought would happen. I had an overwhelming feeling that I was being prayed for by a dear family that needed and wanted my child. I quickly ended my prayer and went for a drive.

As I got in the car I had decided that God was no longer a part of my life. If He, in all his wisdom, thought it best to give my child away I couldn't and wouldn't believe in him. If only I could have seen then what would come in the next few weeks. The grace of God would be with me, and through much prayer and fasting I would again pray vocally.

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