MINE!

Well for starters I must admit that I have been slacking at posting things on here. I've started many things but don't find the motivation to finish them Life as a stay at home mom has left me less and less time on the computer (it's defiantly a good thing) which means less and less updates on the blogs. Although I'm usually up until 2 am every night (yes Mr. Jaxson doesn't know how to allow his mommy to sleep) I don't have the motivation required to blog. But tonight I HAVE to blog. I was scanning through friends blogs when I came across a video posted on one of my high school friends blogs. It's a video she put together of the birth of her son. Honestly I have to tell you that I cried. Why did I cry you ask. Well at first I couldn't figure it out. And then it hit me. I was watching her hold HER son, love HER son, be with HER husband, and share those moments with him. I realized in those moments that I've attempted to distance myself from all of those things. Up until this blog posting I have NEVER called myself Jaxson's mommy. I have attempted to not feel some things I think every mother has felt. Yes it's strange, no it's probably not normal, but it's what I've been doing. I'm thinking the reason is because that is what I did my last pregnancy. I am a creature of habit and maybe because I didn't allow myself to feel certain things during my pregnancy with Ally I feel that I shouldn't with this pregnancy. Well I'm going to put forth a great effort to make that stop.

The following statements may come out wrong but I can't think of any other way to say it. Jaxson Parley is MY child! I don't have to share him with anyone, EVER! I don't have to ask to see pictures or share pictures with others. I don't have to call for a visit or be called for a visit. He is completely, utterly, 100% MINE!!!

As I've thought about the fact that we're having a boy (yes I've come to terms with it and am enjoying it) I've come to realize the reason we're having a boy. We're having a boy for me! There are some things about Cayden's adoption that are really hurtful to me. Things that I don't often share with other people. Some of those things include the fact that I wasn't there for so many important things and Daniel doesn't really remember them (because he's Daniel) so he can't share them with me. I wasn't there when Cayden smiled for the first time, I don't even know how old he was for that. I wasn't there when he rolled over for the first time, crawled for the first time, laughed for the first time... ok you get the point. So many of his first time things I wasn't there for. I have to admit I have been VERY jealous of all my friends that get to experience those first time things with their babies. Not only am I jealous of them but I sometimes find myself jealous (and slightly angry toward) of Jordan. She was there for some of those moments and the ones that she wasn't there for it was her own choice to not be. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be ok that I wasn't there for Cayden's first birthday and she was. I hope I will be, I have faith that I will be, I pray that I will be.

I sometimes feel really stupid for being jealous for those times that I wasn't able to be there in Cayden's life because I get to spend the rest of Cayden's life with him. I can't explain why I feel the way I do, I just know that I do. I wonder if sometimes people who adopt children through foster care feel that way? And then I think about Jaxson and the fact that he is MINE and I will be there for all of those moments and I will be able to do all of the things I didn't get to with Cayden and I smile. I am so grateful that while I prayed desperately to have a girl Heavenly Father listened to my prayers and went on his jolly little way planning out my life how it needed to happen.

And then I have this heart stopping fear.... Will Cayden be jealous of Jaxson because mommy was there for his first birthday and not Cayden's? Will Cayden be jealous of Jaxson because I've always been in his life? I hope he won't. I pray he won't. But what if he does? What will I do? How will I let Cayden know that although I have always been in Jaxson's life I still love him just the same. I still think of him as MINE as well, but mine in a different way. Maybe there is another reason we're having a boy first, so that it wouldn't create even more problems for Cayden.

So I am vowing right here and now to who ever reads this that I will begin to feel like a mother to Jaxson. I will allow myself to want to feel him move. I will allow myself to not be miserable all the time. I will allow myself to smile over the fact that MY son is growing healthy and strong. I will allow myself to know that I will be a good mother to MY son and that he will be loved by ME!

24 weeks 4 days