Thursday, January 6, 2011


Before you start reading this you must know I am using this blog as therapy for the day... I have to get some things off my chest even if they are harsh!

The last couple days I have been ALL SORTS OF BUGGED!!! Not with everything... Just with one thing.... Cayden. That sounds horrible so let me explain. I am bugged that I wasn't there from birth to 2 years. I am bugged that I missed SO many big things in his life. I am bugged that I wasn't able to do the things with him that I'll do with Jaxson. I am just bugged about it.

All my bugged-ness turned to sadness after reading Cayden a book he got for Christmas called I love you so...
It starts like this...
"I love you."
"How much?"
"SO much."
"How much is 'so'?"
"WAY, Way more than you know..."
I love you as BRILLIANT as each sparkling star, and as WAY OUT as space, I love you THAT far.
I love you as GIGANTIC as a great lion's roar, and as DEEP as the ocean, I love you MUCH more.
"That is a lot," you say, "but HOW did it start? WHERE did love come from to be in your heart?" YOU put it there, really, when you and I met. And I knew for certain WITHOUT you I'd fret.
From MY HEAD to my TOES, I was feeling inside a devotion for you SO DEEP and SO WIDE. And now it's ENORMOUS and wonderfully real and hard to describe HOW MUCH I feel!
And then the part that really gets me....
I CAN'T IMAGINE life before YOU came along... me there singing senseless, no MEANING to my song.
Call it MEANT TO BE or simply blessed fate, you fill my heart WITH LOVE.... and for THAT I celebrate.

I know without a doubt that I was and always have meant to be Cayden's mommy. I loved him from the moment I met him and have NEVER stopped. The thing that bugs me so much is that the person who could have had the moments with him that I miss so much walked out at 8 months and hardly looked back. Only when bugged beyond belief did she even care to think about him. AND THEN.... she hurt him, she yelled at him, she did unspeakable things to him! I have days where I HATE her! I have moments where I want to tell her how I really feel. I don't think I'll ever be ok with what she did. I don't think I'll ever get over some of these feelings.

I am grateful she allowed me to adopt Cayden but honestly... did she have a choice? It was god's plan and I know it was meant to be. But I have days where I wish beyond wish that I could have been there when she walked out.
I have days don't want to tell her anything about Cayden anymore. She doesn't deserve it! She did so much to hurt him that I don't know that she deserves to see him ever again. The last visit went SO horribly that honestly I don't know that I'll ever let her see him until he's fully grown. I don't know that I'll update her blog for a while because again... she doesn't deserve it!
Well I've got it out there.... Do I feel horrible about the feelings that I have, sometimes. Do I wish it were different, yes! Am I wrong in cutting her out, probably. Is it best for Cayden, WITHOUT A DOUBT!!!

No comments: