Trifecta

I have been told a couple times that I am the trifecta of motherhood.  The first time someone said it to me I laughed.  I'd never thought about it before.  Having been able to experience every aspect of motherhood has been wonderful, heart breaking, painful, joyful, and sometimes down right scary.  There have been times where I've been asked if the love is the same.  It's usually by future adoptive parents of birth mothers that worry they'll never love another child like they loved the one they placed.  I can attest to you that FOR ME I love Cayden just like I love Jaxson.  And over the years I've realized that I love them both the same way I loved Ally.  I've said before (HERE) that I realized the love I have for Ally was different from the love I have for Cayden.  I've never wondered if I would love Jaxson more than I love Cayden.  He's my son just as much as Jaxson is.  Being able to see adoption from both sides has been an amazing struggle.  I have times where the pain of placement seems unbearable.  Days where I question with everything in my soul if I made the right decision.  But those days are few and far between and those days are the days where Lori knows I need contact and Lori knows I need an update.  I NEVER have to ask how things are going on my "hard days."  The update just comes and my doubts are gone, my pain is eased and I am again back into my "new normal".  So does being the trifecta of motherhood make me different than most, yes.  But it also comes with it's own set of challenges.

Whose baby is it?

This post is something I have wanted to write for a really long time.  My lack of experience with situations made it impossible to do so.  HOWEVER a friend of mine has experience with this current topic.  Adoption is a beautifully bitter thing at times.  It can be heart breaking if it works and if it doesn't work.  I can only imagine the pain that hopeful adoptive couples must deal with after a failed placement.  

BUT THAT IN NO WAY MEANS THEIR PAIN SHOULD DISCOUNT AN EXPECTANT MOTHERS CHOICE TO PARENT!  

These are her words, said perfectly how I imagined they should be.

Before I knew that there was a possibility for our family to include, through adoption, a daughter, then a son, and another son, there were other women who knew these children and loved these children as much as I ever could. These women were these children’s FIRST mothers. These women knew and felt the life of their child growing inside of them before I ever knew that my potential children existed. Before I knew they existed, these women were thinking, praying, and loving their babies as they made the decision to give them life and did their best to make decisions about what their best life would look like. When I met each of these three women I felt a special connection to these women who were the first to mother and love these children. I was so honored when each of them selected us to parent their child and asked me to share motherhood with them. I had a very special relationship with each expectant mother and I along with each one of them felt “it was meant to be.” We talked about our similarities, our hopes and dreams for the baby, our love for each other, and how everything just seemed right.

Needless to say, we were crushed, as was our first expectant mother, when we discovered 3 months into the match that she could not live with us raising her daughter in our religion. I know she was as devastated as we were. We loved each other and she felt that the baby was ours, but no matter how she looked at it, she determined that we were no longer a match for her. It was shocking and it was difficult and no matter how much I had felt that the baby was mine, the fact of the matter was the baby was still hers and solely hers. No matter how devastated we were she deserved the respect that a mother deserves as she loves her child and tries to make the best decision for that baby. And because the baby was hers and solely hers, she deserved my continued love and respect. I was sad, but a never made or supported disparaging remarks about her. How could I? She had made a decision that she could live with. I learned that expectant mothers have to live with their choices and I wanted only to support choices that they could live with. I wanted our family to be a choice that they could live with. I also learned that while I wanted to be involved with expectant mothers throughout their pregnancies and I hoped for positive relationships, I knew that I could never forget that these babies were 100% theirs until they signed the papers. I also knew that I wanted the expectant mothers who would choose us to be 100% comfortable that we were the ones that they wanted to place their child with. That they wanted to be a part of our family as much as we wanted them to be a part of our family.

If they were not, I wanted them to be free to go find the match that was perfect for them.

I often think about that sweet little girl that I thought would be mine. I think of our connection and I miss her mother and I miss the fact that I didn’t get to know her. We met our next expectant mother soon after our first did not work out. There were so many similarities between us and I love her so much. We even have the same hands. Weird, right? I really wanted her to know everything about us, good and bad, so that she could make an informed decision that she could live with. I answered every hard question without sugar coating and in a very up front manner. She needed to know if we were what she wanted and hoped for herself and her child. We were so blessed when she decided that we were and shared motherhood with me. Then we were blessed to meet another woman 10 months after placement of our first son. She chose us as well. She is like a sister to me. Throughout her pregnancy, I reminded her whose baby it actually was so that she could make the best decision for her and her son.

We were so blessed that she shared motherhood with me as well. When the legal papers were signed terminating parental rights, most people assume that the baby became mine and my husband’s. When our adoptions finalize I suppose that legally they are ours and only ours. But adoption is much more than legality.

Remember these women loved their children as only a mother does before I knew they existed.  A mother’s love is what led them to the decision to give life, and to place their babies with us. A mother’s love NEVER ends just as my love for our beautiful sons will NEVER end. Without these wonderful women, I would never have even had a sliver of a chance to be a mother. Because of them I get to experience raising two amazing little boys. I love our sons with a love so intense that I didn’t even know it was possible and so do their first mothers. I want the best for my boys and so do their first mothers. I want my boys to have character and integrity and happiness and so do their first mothers. So while legally these beautiful babies are mine, I know that they will never be 100% mine and mine alone and I am more than okay with that. Not only do I have these beautiful boys in my life, I have their wonderful first families who I cannot imagine my life without. So, I guess the answer to whose baby is it is twofold. The baby belongs 100% to the expectant family until papers are signed. Forever after that, the baby belongs to both.

Thank you Cherlyn for sharing your insight with me and all my readers.  Please remember that if you are facing a failed placement your actions and words speak volumes of what you really believe adoption is.  No mother should ever be told by another woman that they are praying or hoping the child will be placed with them after having made the decision to parent.  It is harsh and cruel.

Jaxson is turning 1

I am kind of making a big deal out of Jaxson's first birthday.  For a few reasons.... first of which is that I wasn't at Cayden's first birthday nor was I at Ally's first birthday.  I am fine with both now.  HOWEVER I still have moments where I wish more than anything I could have been with Cayden on such a special day.  So me making a big deal about Jaxson's first birthday is a way for me to deal with things that I don't have control over in the past.

Second reason is because Jaxson being part of our family is a miracle!  After 3 miscarriages I felt like I was NEVER going to have another baby.  I was heart broken and sad a lot of the time.  I was starting to cope with the fact that maybe biological children weren't in my near future.  That was when I found out I was pregnant with Jaxson.  I had a VERY rough pregnancy and was lucky to get him here safe.  I can't thank my Heavenly Father enough for giving me this perfect little boy to raise.  We are SO blessed to have his spirit in our home.  So I'm going all out... and you know what... I'm happy to do it!

I decide

There has been some unwanted and honestly UN-NEEDED negativity towards someone who was a guest blogger on my blog.  I want to put this out there for EVERYONE to read.....

I decide who posts on MY blog.  I go to them and ASK them if they would be interested in guest posting or answering some questions for me.  I DO NOT allow guest posts that come to me and ask me to post something.  I NEVER have and I NEVER will.  If you don't like the topics that I discuss or the guest bloggers that I allow on MY blog then you should come to ME!

I have clearly left contact info for ME on my blog.

Sorry that this is harsh and rude but I stand up for what I believe and I believe that harassing a person because of a choice that he or she made is WRONG!!!!!!!  I think it's wrong when people come at me for the decision I made to place Ally for adoption.  I think it's wrong when people come at me for the decision that I made to adopt Cayden.  I also think it's wrong when people come at me or my friends for their decision regarding THEIR CHILDREN!

I will have a guest blogger posting again tonight.  Her post will be frank and honestly something that I've been wanting to post for a while.

Choosing to Parent

Many of you will remember this post about C and The R House.  C had made an adoption plan and was planning on placing with The R House.  While C made an adoption plan early in her pregnancy she faced many trials and struggles along the way.  In the end C made the decision to parent.  There is NOTHING wrong with that decision.  NOTHING AT ALL!  While C made an adoption plan that in no way means that she had already placed the child.  S (the baby C had) was never any one's baby but hers.  So because SO many people have wondered and asked questions here are some that I asked C.  If you have questions for C you can email them to me or leave them as a comment.  If you have something negative to say about C and her decision.  KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!

While dealing with a failed adoption for the adoptive couple is heart breaking and extremely hard I have yet to touch on what a failed adoption is like for the birth mother who chooses to parent.

Note from C....Please... Let me add that I'm answering these to its full depth, hurt, and raw emotion. Whomever reads, please note these are my words, my feelings/thoughts, and my life. Don't judge me.

Q: You made an adoption plan and met with the adoptive couple. Did you try and distance yourself from them or did you "fully invest" in the relationship?
A:  I made an adoption plan with a wonderful family. Although the adoptive mom was my favorite from the beginning, the dad was a "grow on". I think that had a lot to do with my male figures in my life. I never tried to distance myself from the adoptive mom, never. She was the most caring, loving, woman I've ever met. I didn't really have anything I felt "invested" with the adoptive dad. I don't think the distance came into play with the adoptive mom and I until my decision was being questioned by myself. That's when the distance came and I know they noticed it as well as me.

Q: What was the biggest impact on your decision to parent?
A:  I'm being honest right? My other children. Point, period, and blank. People are probably going to say how selfish I am regarding this, but all in all, my biggest choice to parent was the fact that my kids knew it, wanted her, and my daughter took adoption to a level I wish nobody did. It hurt and their feelings cut like a knife. I knew no matter struggles or walking through fire with them on my back to protect them... I couldn't take "their" sister away.

Q: Do you feel like you made an adoption plan to early? (that is worded horribly but it doesn't come out right.... what I mean is... do you think you should have connected the adoptive couple later in your pregnancy?)
A:  Honesty will come here as well. YES I feel like I made a plan too early. But that was me, well, our choice, and I felt the earlier the better. Well, I figured that was the "norm", I didn't know, but it was right to me after Ru (father) brought it up. I think that an expectant parent should be at least 6 months before she's "sure" about placing. Although, that "sure" could still change, I think that the thought out process should be through that time. I never second guessed my decision NOT once until December time.

Q: Was your family supportive of your decision to make an adoption plan?  If not did they impact your decision to parent?
A:  Family? What's that? I don't have any "family". I've got my children and my mother. My mother supported me, but now she's so in love with S. My children weren't supportive, well, Summer, the twins did NOT know my "adoption" choice. I felt they were too young. And my mother asked me repeatedly if I was sure about parenting.

Q: Is the birth father supportive of your decision to parent?
A:  Yes he is supportive in MY choice to parent. He just isn't as involved as I thought he would be. I know this is a process, he's coming around, slowly.

Q: Was the birth father supportive of your decision to make an adoption plan?
A:  At first, yes! 100% absolutely. Until the idea of two all Caucasian people would be raising our child. Then it went to he couldn't live with himself if he placed. After about 4 months pregnant, I was positive he'd never sign the papers, but I knew the APs and I would still find a way.

Q: What was the hardest thing about informing the hopeful adoptive couple about your decision?
A:  Oh my heavens! Everything. Nothing was easy. Nothing at all. The hardest was how to word it. Then how to send it. Then how to accept it on my end. Then doubting myself. I love the adoptive mother like super so much. She's honestly a great woman. I wish with every inch of my being that she's blessed with everything she's ever wanted. I'm still completely mortified about telling her. I ache thinking about it.

Q: Have you ever questioned if you made the right decision? (I know birth mothers question their decision at times. Have you ever had times where you wonder if your life and S's life would be different had you placed.)
A:  YES!! I think all the time. Especially those nights where I'm up in the middle of the night and say, she should have been theirs. Or times when I know its going to be extremely hard to do this, I think about it. I think about it when I'm down too. Its all because the adoptive mom. And S deserves the best. So, that's why I'm busting my rear to give all 4 the best I can of everything.

Q: Did your "change of heart" have to do with the potential adoptive family, or if it had to do with placing at all? (i.e. did you not feel comfortable with placing after all.)
A:  NO! The APs had nothing to do with placing. At all. However, I did start thinking about how we (children and I) were going to see S living half way across the country.

Q: What first prompted you to think about parenting after making an adoption plan (i.e. getting a job, getting offered support from someone, reading something, relationship with the baby's father changing, etc.)
A:  Around Thanksgiving I started feeling that, "oh crap, can you really do this?" I researched older siblings and adoption and commented on a blog written by a lady named Lisa. I explained what I was curious about. That got me in contact with a lady who had a daughter and recently placed a son. Reading her story, seeing others in similar situations as mine... Seeing how their "kept" children were handling adoption? They weren't. They were depressed and miserable. Maybe if my kids were closer it would have been different, nobody knows. But once I saw that - sealed the deal. Plus Ru and I got talking and bonding more. He said he was ready to be a father, a family.

Q: Why did you feel like parenting was the right decision for you?
A:  Can you feel? I didn't think I was strong enough to go through the adoption after my kids & Ru, so parenting was something that was the "right decision" for me! Of course, now I'm smitten and looking at her now makes me want to kiss her...

Q: Do you still think about the family that was going to adopt S?
A:  Do I? Ahhhh! I stalk her pages. I kept waiting for her response since she blogs after letting her know... I think of them OFTEN! I have memoirs too. Doesn't help.

Q: Did you have major doubts through the whole process or only question your decision right at the end?
A:  Never major doubts throughout, I questioned, but normal of course. My mind wasn't confused until about Thanksgiving.

Q: When was the moment that you decided to parent? Was there an actual moment? Or Action? Or maybe something that was said or something not said?
A:  Around New Years, I knew I was sure I couldn't go through with it. So, I text the APs first birth mom and she told me to tell them ASAP. I even sent her the email to check to make sure it was okay. I couldn't keep them thinking, I had to let them know as soon as I was sure.

Q: Do you still think adoption is a good thing? Or did the process change your perspective?
A:  I think its good in "some" circumstances. Infant adoption (although my APs did NOT coerce or try to "buy" my baby) is what its seemed to turn to. I think birth mothers (which they might, but never heard of) get counseling offering them ways to keep and parent before placing. And there's millions in foster care... Why an infant? That's my one big issue now that I've did this.

Q: Is parenting what you thought was best for YOU? Or is that what you thought was best for the BABY and if so, Why?
A:  Best for my FAMILY. Which makes us all happy. Us 4 anyways. I would base off pure familial connection. I'm not saying its best for me nor the baby, but I'm happy I do it everyday.

Q: Do you feel like parenting is the "plan" god had for you and S?
A:  Once I started doubting my placing and choosing to parent. I read more into, "be fruitful and multiply" and "God never gives you more than you can handle". On top of the natural mother information on babies thriving with their natural/first mothers, meaning its what's best, yeah! I honestly believe that Gods plan was to parent S. I've learned and changed so much that maybe she's just what he ordered.

Q: Do you still have a relationship with the adoptive couple?
A:  Not really. And I don't foresee there ever being one. I mean, we've tried the email, but its not the same. It just DON'T feel right. I mean, I feel horrible for ripping their adoption chance away, although I've got a complete clear conscience and very at peace with my decision. Its still hard. I know they're mad, but its like we went from awesome to blech. I don't hold it against them though.

Q: Do you plan on telling S down the road that you made an adoption plan?
A:  Yes!! Her items she received from the APs, if you're friends on my fb, you can see that anything from them, it says "from MY ---- " (Adoptive Moms name). I want S to know of all the good people in the world, and she's totally unforgettable.

Q: Did you feel pressured to place at the time you made an adoption plan?
A:  As I said before, never pressured or coerced into placing. Especially at the time we made the adoption plan. Everything was more in "my court" and I had the ball at all times.

Q: Are you happy now that you are parenting? If you're not happy now, did you feel pressured to parent instead of place?
A:  Parenting is an experience. Its hard, I won't lie. Not even from a financial aspect, from an emotional one. I've had moments where I breakdown crying because she won't sleep, but what mother don't!? I love S and it feels definitely different this go round. I honestly wish I would have waited for all of my babies. The age I'm at is perfect to have your first!

Q: If there was pressure, did those who pressured you step up to help and are they still helping?
A:  Doesn't really apply. But its just me, I don't get help.

Q: Do you feel you have all the support you need to be parenting now?
A:  No, I could definitely use more. But hey, I'm making the best of what I do have.

Q: Do you feel now that you have all the accurate information back when you made an placement/parenting decision and were able to make the right choice for you and S?
A:  Definitely. I was a research fanatic. I found out so much stuff, I even know adoption laws in NC. Pretty wild, but I feel I could counsel others

Q: If you don't feel it was right, what info do you feel you didn't have or wasn't accurate?
A:  Never got wrong information, however, there's something I think that needs incorporated. Not that my situation warranted it, but ALL expectant mothers should be shown, told, and guided through everything that is available out there for them to parent first. If placing is still "IT" for them, so be it. But I do believe that's a lot of the "changed my mind" that takes place.

Q: If in the future S finds herself pregnant would you be supportive of her making an adoption plan?
A:  Ahhh! Such a harsh one. Ha. I have two S's and have thought about this in great depth. It would really have to be dependent on the situation. I wouldn't tell her she couldn't if she felt like adoption was best. BUT I would tell her everything I know to make an informed decision. NO I DON'T want my baby girls being teen moms like I was. That's why I pray I've educated enough on sex and marriage.

Q: How have you been treated by various people (the adoptive parents, birth mother friends, etc.) when you told them you decided to parent?
A:  The APs and their 1 birth mother I talked to before, we don't talk anymore. I don't feel we ever will. Now the adoptive mom's "followers" and friends have had nice and harsh words to say. I've been called everything but a white woman. I've been told I'm selfish, they feel sorry for S, I'm a bad mom, among others. This doesn't even bother me anymore. I got bashed for saying I was placing, but I got brutally attacked when I chose to parent. But its okay, the ones that attacked me will reap what they sow. It was sad, pathetic, and utterly childish. I've even saved every email to go back and read what they've said. Then say to myself, "welp proved them wrong, hahahaha."

Q:  Not many people know that I sent you a profile for a hopeful adoptive couple that is a mixed race couple (if that's not politically correct you can change it) who also lives in North Carolina. You stated in the answers above that 1 Ru didn't like that the adoptive couple was Caucasian and 2 that you would see S living half way across the country..... Did seeing the hopeful adoptive couple in NC and mixed race have any impact on you and Ru? I mean did it make you think maybe you could place with them because of the race difference and the distance?
A: Totally see what your saying and I honestly was so dead set on if anyone is to have her, the parents I had picked out were it. I liked the other profile, the closeness, the sense of knowing that they could share heritage. My problem is they never emailed me back. It might have been different.

C and S

Life always throws lemons and people make lemonade. Mines a little off and threw me some grapes. So I'm making wine... "I always get better with age."

Once again if you have any other questions you would like to ask C you can email them to me at myangelsfromgod@gmail.com or leave them as a comment on this post.

I want to thank C for answering the questions with honesty.  I know some of them weren't easy but you have shed light on a subject that most people don't consider.  Making an adoption plan and then choosing to parent isn't an easy decision.  HOWEVER it can be the right decision if you feel that is what is best for the child involved.