His real reason

After getting a phone call from Branden, (yes you read that right, he some how found my number and decided it would be a good idea to call me) the other night I have a NEW perspective on what was going through his head. For starters he doesn't care about my daughter, he never has. He was such a jerk to me when I decided to place my daughter for adoption not because he was "loosing" his child but because he was loosing me. He STILL compares everyone he dates to me (talk about living in the past) and at one point told the mother of his two children (also his ex-fiance) that he couldn't marry her because she just didn't live up to what I had been to him. Seriously.... I don't even know that I ever loved him! I feel like he was a means to getting Ally to her family and that's it. Some of the hurtful things he said to me got to me, they would get to any person who was pregnant and single, but not because I loved him. I had ALWAYS thought that he reasons for being against the adoption weren't what he was "claiming" they were.... and NOW I know it! He actually told me he's still in love with me.... WTF!!! I responded with "Well I'm completely and utterly 100% in love with my husband and wouldn't change a thing about my life." I am SO glad I handled the situation the way I did!!!

HE DIDN'T KNOW!!!!

After brief email I found out that Branden didn't know alot of things! He didn't know that the papers he signed allowed me complete control over the situation! He didn't know that if he refused to sign the achknowledgment papers he would have forced me to parent! He didn't know his rights! How do you get yourself into a situation like that and NOT KNOW!?! Why would you sign papers and not know?!

Love....

So as I sat watching these two play I couldn't but think about how extremely different my love is for each of them. I love Ally in a very different way than I love Cayden. I love Ally more like a niece than my daughter, which as I've thought about it is completely healthy for me. I love to see her, hear how she's doing, hear her cute little voice, talk to her about everything that is going on in her life, and just watch her play. But as I sat with her the other day I realized how different my love is for her. Some people may say that it's wrong for me to not feel a "mother's love" for her but I just have to say.... I'm not her mother. Lori is, always has been and always will be, her mother. She knows Lori as her mother and knows me as her birth mother.

I am so blessed to have the relationship I do with Lori and Barton. As I was in their home Lori asked Ally who's belly she grew in. Ally didn't even hesitate to point to mine and smile. Would I feel the way I do about adoption if it weren't for Lori and Barton, I don't know. But even bigger blessings have come through Lori, blessings she doesn't even know of.

When Cayden and I got home from visiting with Ally Cayden came up to me, took my face in his sweet little hands, looked into my eyes and said "I grew in Jordan's belly huh mommy?" I couldn't help but smile and say "Yes, you did." Then he said something that I thought wouldn't happen for a LONG time. He said "She's my birth mom huh?!" I was brought to tears and simply nodded my head when he continued and said "That means she loves me alot huh?" I said "Yes" and Cayden got the biggest smile on his face and said, "I like having a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom." I sat and hugged Cayden for as long as he would let me. I can't help but think of the blessing that Lori was in this situation.

Before a few days ago the mention of a birth mom would throw Cayden into an asthma attack but after playing and visiting with other children that have a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom he's become more "ok" with the situation. I don't know if I had more of a closed adoption with Ally if Cayden would have "come to terms" with his "situation" as soon as he did.

So while I love Ally differently than I love Cayden... I can't help but feel extremely blessed to have them both in my life!

I was wrong

So I may have done some things wrong in my adoption experience with Ally... things that I look back on now and wonder if I could change would I. I don't know. It's been just over 4 years since I found out I was pregnant with Ally. Almost 4 years since I told Lori and Barton I would be placing my baby with them. And almost 4 years since I last talked to Branden. But in those 4 years I have to admit I've thought about him often. I've wondered if he's happy and how he's doing. But most of all I've thought about how he relates in such a big part to my life. I've wondered if I regret some of the things I said to Branden when I was pregnant. And while I admit, up until a year ago you couldn't have paid me to say yes, I am truly sorry for the way I handled the situation.

There is a large part of me that wishes Branden would have reacted differently when I expressed my desire to place Ally for adoption. But at the same time, I wonder if his "support" in the situation would have made the decision I made even more difficult. But no matter how difficult it would have made things for me, I know I was wrong. He should have been there at my doctor appointments and check-ups. He should have been there when I went into early labor because of the car accident. He should have been there to worry just as I did when she wasn't breathing at birth. He should have been able to hold her before he had to say good-bye and not after.

There is never any way for me to undo the past and honestly I don't think I would. While I do have regrets about how I handled the situation in regard to Branden I truly believe that had things been differently Ally would not have gotten to where she needed to be on this earth. So while I'm sorry for the things I said and did I believe that I personally needed the situation to be how it was so that I could force myself to have the strength to do what I needed to do.

I have wondered many times if he ever thinks about her like I do. And so because I know my choices had an effect on him that he had very little control over I wanted to offer my memory to him. If he ever wondered what it was like when she was born, I'm willing to share. If he ever wondered what my pregnancy was like, I'm willing to share. If he ever wondered anything and I have the answer, I'm willing to share.

And while I know this doesn't change the past I guess I hope it will ease any pain I may have caused him.

Branden with his 2 daughters

Grateful

Today I can't help but be grateful. Who am I kidding. I can't help but be grateful every day for Lori and Barton. They are simply AMAZING! Through everything I have been through since placement, including a failed marriage in which Barton walked me through the divorce process, they have ALWAYS been so supportive of me. Through the big events in my life they have always been there. Lori continually amazes me at how wonderful a mother she is to all their 5 children! They have never once made me feel unwelcome in their home. They have never once made me not feel special. They have always understood my feelings and been very helpful in everything I've gone through in the last little while. I truly don't know who I'd be if it weren't for them. They are angels in my life. So because I know Lori reads this blog ;).... Thank you thank you thank you!

Why?

Why am I always the one that has to live my fears? Why am I always the one that has to live through things the hard way? Why am I always the one that has to be a test waffle? Why do I have to have so many dang fears that are ALL related to continuing my family?

To better understand why I'm asking all these WHY questions you must first know some pretty good news. I say pretty good but in reality I've been waiting for this day for MONTHS now. My husband and I found out today that our baby (due 3-26-11) will be a BOY!

Everything is healthy and growing perfectly. With that said I've been crying on and off since we found out (not until we left the clinic though) and I cried myself to sleep too. I thought at first I was crying because I didn't want a boy. But it wasn't until I talked with a friend that I realized why I have been crying so much.... It's not because I'm not happy we're having a boy. It's not because my heart was set on a girl. It's because I keep remembering sitting on the edge of that hospital bed holding Ally thinking that one day I'd take home my own daughter and then walking out of the room, falling to the floor and thinking that I'd never have another baby girl. A baby boy will be wonderful for Cayden and for our family. I'm excited to do all the boy things and what not but no matter how much I am excited and know it's right I just can't shake the feelings that I might never have what I gave Lori and Barton. I know without a doubt that what I did was right. I have never wanted it any other way. I know the decision and sacrifice I made was right and true but some times my emotions/fears get the best of me.

So as I continue to cry I realize that it's healthy and normal and I think alot of birth mothers feel this way, at least I hope they do and I'm not just crazy.

Closing an Adoption

I NEVER thought I would be the one saying that a closed adoption would be a good situation for a child. But as the weeks have gone on with Cayden acting out and having his asthma attacks I've realized that what is best for my child is not what I feel is best in a classic adoption situation.
For weeks I have questioned if Cayden ever accept the fact that he has a birth mother and a mother. After days like I've been through in the past few weeks I don't know that he ever will. I've done my best to only answer his question about his adoption when he ask them. But he never seems to like the answers that I come up with.

The other day Cayden was angry or sad ALL day. He woke up crying, went down for a nap crying, woke up again crying. Ate his food in tears. Everything he did he cried about. Every time I would ask him why he was crying his answer was short and simple.... "I don't want to have a mommy and a daddy and a birth mom. I only want to have a mommy and a daddy." I told him that "having a mommy and a daddy and a birth mom means that there are more people that love you." That didn't sit well with him.

He would at times ask "Mommy, who is Jordan?" To which my response was either "She's your birth mom" or "You grew in her belly"(the answers that we have ALWAYS given Cayden when he asks about Jordan). But any time he brought her up it would turn into a crying fit, which would become an asthma attack, which would turn into a panic attack and ultimately end in lots of tears and me holding him blowing in his face hoping he'd calm down and breathe.

I don't get it any more. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it. Daniel thinks we just don't answer his questions when they are about Jordan. UM... hello have you met Cayden? If you don't answer his question he only freaks out more and throws a bigger fit. I'm considering taking Cayden in to see a specialist of something because it isn't healthy for him. The things he remembers from his past scare me (they would scare any mother if they had happened to their child) and I wish he could forget them but for some reason, he doesn't. He remembers them with detail that I find astounding. He tells me at times he hurts where he hurt yesterday. When I ask what he's talking about the details always go back to real events that happened over a year ago, some even longer.

I'm worried, I'm not sleeping, and I feel like it's all going to come crashing down some day, some day soon.

A few days ago I asked Cayden why he'd been so "naughty" lately. He responded with something I'd NEVER thought about. Something that breaks my heart as a mother, birth, and adoptive mother. Before I explain any further you need to know what Cayden said. He said, "I don't want Christmas to come. If I'm naughty it won't come." When I asked him why he didn't want Christmas to come (even though he's been telling me every day what he wants for Christmas) you said "Because that's when Jordan comes." My heart broke as I realized how truly traumatized Cayden is right now in his life. At 3 1/2 he doesn't want Christmas to come because he was scared of seeing Jordan. I told Cayden that this year Christmas would just be Mommy and Daddy and Cayden and that he wouldn't have to see anyone that he didn't want to. It's SO sad that he can't think of anything else but negative. It's sad that he's having to deal with emotions that most people don't ever have to, and he's only 3 1/2!

So, we went to talk to his doctor. And as hard as this is for me to say it's something that I know is right and true. Something I've prayed about and finally found peace in. While I will still be open and willing to talk about Jordan with Cayden I've had to realize that an open adoption is not what is healthy and best for him. I tried for the longest time to hold out hope that things would change but I don't know that it will. Having such an open adoption with Ally and having to have a closed adoption with Cayden is VERY hard for me. But it's not me that matters. It's him. I love him more than life and only want what's best for him. So tonight, I hold him a little closer, I sing to him a little more. And share my heart with him like never before.

Jordan (Cayden's birth mother), Cayden, and Me