Why?

Why am I always the one that has to live my fears? Why am I always the one that has to live through things the hard way? Why am I always the one that has to be a test waffle? Why do I have to have so many dang fears that are ALL related to continuing my family?

To better understand why I'm asking all these WHY questions you must first know some pretty good news. I say pretty good but in reality I've been waiting for this day for MONTHS now. My husband and I found out today that our baby (due 3-26-11) will be a BOY!

Everything is healthy and growing perfectly. With that said I've been crying on and off since we found out (not until we left the clinic though) and I cried myself to sleep too. I thought at first I was crying because I didn't want a boy. But it wasn't until I talked with a friend that I realized why I have been crying so much.... It's not because I'm not happy we're having a boy. It's not because my heart was set on a girl. It's because I keep remembering sitting on the edge of that hospital bed holding Ally thinking that one day I'd take home my own daughter and then walking out of the room, falling to the floor and thinking that I'd never have another baby girl. A baby boy will be wonderful for Cayden and for our family. I'm excited to do all the boy things and what not but no matter how much I am excited and know it's right I just can't shake the feelings that I might never have what I gave Lori and Barton. I know without a doubt that what I did was right. I have never wanted it any other way. I know the decision and sacrifice I made was right and true but some times my emotions/fears get the best of me.

So as I continue to cry I realize that it's healthy and normal and I think alot of birth mothers feel this way, at least I hope they do and I'm not just crazy.