I wonder

I was able to visit with Ally today.  I spent part of the morning at her house watching her and Cayden run around the back yard and play together while I talked with Lori.  It was joy I tell you, pure joy.  And as I was talking to Lori I wondered if the relationship that I have with them will ever fade.  I asked Lori her thoughts on the matter, because frankly she's like my best friend and I tell her everything, and was some what relieved and yet surprised by her answer.  "Yes I think with time the contact will lessen, but that's ok."  Part of me believes that too.  As my life continues, as my family grows, and as their lives continue I believe the contact will diminish.  Am I ok with that? I think I am.  I LOVE having an open adoption and I know that if the contact does diminish that at any point in time I could talk to them about it and make a change if I wanted to.  I'm grateful for the relationship I have with them.  There are days where I hold onto every ounce of that relationship to get me through the day.  But those days are become fewer and father between and I'm becoming more myself without them.  It's wonderful how our relationship is now.  I cherish the friendship that I have with every member of their family.  I love that I can ask Lori personal questions and know that she understand me.  I truly believe we met before this life and have been reunited through the joy of adoption.  More than anything I love that I'm not tied down to anything.  I can progress and change and it's a good thing.  I can move forward with my life.  Some people may say that I'm forgetting my child, that I'm being a horrible mother for being ok with that.  Some people may think that because I am ok with the contact diminishing that I don't care for Ally.  Those people are wrong.  I will always and forever care for that little girl.  She holds a piece of my heart that will never be touched by another living soul.  But because I care that doesn't mean I have to continue to live stagnant in my life.  I love the relationship that I have with the adoptive couple and I wouldn't change how it is.... right now.  Time will change it.  And I have to be ok with that.

Robby, Ally, and Jaxson.  Cayden refused to be in the picture the stink head!

The reason

A friend of mine sent me an email today, she will be called J bird in this post (I can't thank her enough for that email).  She told me that she was "thinking out loud" and it may not make sense but that she thought that maybe the reason this year was hard for me was because... I'm going to put it in her words because it makes me laugh because it's exactly how she would said it.... "you have your own son that you birthed?"  She was some what right.  I spent most of the day in tears and the rest of the time thinking about why I had been crying.  Around the time J bird (I just can't get over how perfect the timing was... she must have been inspired) emailed me I realized something.  The reason I've had such a hard time this year was because I have a greater understanding of what I've really missed out on in Ally's life.   Last year was hard because I felt like I hadn't been able to do the baby things with Cayden.  This year I think it's so hard because I know how great it is and I couldn't do it.

I hated admitting defeat when it came to Ally. I hated admitting that I couldn't do it alone when that was the one thing I wanted to do most. I further hate that I couldn't do it with Branden, not because I was in love with him (because I've realized that I wasn't at all) but because he is her birth father and the person that I should have done that with.

I am so blessed to have Cayden and Jaxson in my life and I wouldn't if I had parented Ally.  I know the path that I am on is the right one but that doesn't mean that the choices I've made to be on this path have been easy.

J bird also said "I don't expect or I don't think anyone should expect you to get over your adoption placement easily or fast. I seriously could not imagine doing it. I bet it is hard. If it takes 10 more years, let it. One day you'll be happy but if it takes long, then you'll be fine. I couldn't imagine getting over something that hard that fast."  I realize reading back my post sounds harsh in the fact that I feel like I should be over this.  I guess the reason I feel that way is because I've moved on with my life. I have a family of my own, my life is going great and I just can't seem to get past it. It's rather frustrating at times. I also think I should be over this because I've known since day one that it was right. I've known all along that Ally wasn't mine to keep. It's hard to know that and yet feel like I've missed out in some way.  I feel like I don't have a right to feel like I missed out.  It's a strange feeling really.

But at the end of the day what I've realized is that the longing feeling that I have inside my heart is for this....

My baby Ally.  The little angel that I held for 4 days.  That I was privileged enough to be able to bring into this world and give to her parents.  It is that brand new, straight from the womb baby that I miss.  And I'll never get that baby back.  So I'll deal with the feelings that I have and continue to pray for peace and comfort.  It will come, it always does.

Sad vs Angry

Remember this post HERE where I was really struggling with things last year on Ally's birthday.  I thought for sure this year would be better.  I thought I'd be happy with how things were going and I wouldn't have to deal with any issues from placement.  Man was I wrong.  The only difference is that this year I'm not sad, I'm angry.  Angry at what though.  I don't know.  I can't tell you that I'm angry I placed her for adoption because I'm not.  I've never been more proud of that decision.  I've never been more sure of that decision.  I've tried to talk to my husband about things but he just keeps saying "It's been 4 years shouldn't you be over this by now."  That statement just makes me even more angry because I think the exact same thing.  It's been 4 years shouldn't I be over this by now.  But that's the thing.  I am over this.  I have moved on with my life.  I have my own family, a new baby, a very active 4 year old so why can't I just have an easy year!  It's so frustrating, it's maddening...

And it just hit me... that's why I'm angry!!!  I'm angry that when I think about tomorrow I get sad.  I'm angry that when I thought about birth mother's day and mother's day I got sad.  I'm angry that I haven't gotten past this yet!  How long is it going to take me?  It's so annoying that I still get sad about it.  I know what I did was right.  I'm ok with what I did.  I know my daughter is with her family.  WHY?!

Birth Mothers Day

Most people outside the world of adoption do not know about birth mother's day.  Many people inside the adoption world do not know about birth mother's day.  It's not a day marked on calendars or a day a "typical" family would celebrate.  It is however a day I hold dear to my heart and a day that has brought me peace and comfort throughout my adoption journey.  It is a day that I always celebrate (even if my husbands thinks I shouldn't) because I am a birth mother and because a birth mother sacrificed for me and has given me Cayden.  Birth mother's day is the saturday before mothers day.  The first birth mother's day that I experienced was actually the day I signed my rights away (you can read more about it HERE), something I felt so strongly about that it was very easy for me to do.  The first mother's day I experienced was in the hospital, with Ally (you can read more about it HERE).  Both days were hard for me because I didn't know exactly what I should feel.  On birth mother's day I didn't feel I had done anything special to deserve the title (because at that point I hadn't) and on mother's day I didn't feel I deserved to be called Ally's mother (because I wasn't).  Over the years birth mother's day became crucial in my healing process.  Every year I would spend time by myself thinking about the choice I had made, thinking about the baby I had given an amazing life to.  However healing birth mother's day was for me mother's day seemed to be increasingly harder as the years went on.  2009 was the hardest year for me to date.  I had just met Daniel and my emotions were pretty high at the time.  Cayden had also just become part of my life but I wasn't positive how things were shaping up with his birth mother.  I was sort of in limbo.  Each year has improved and with Jaxson being added to our family this mother's day will be even more special.
I never dreamed in a thousand years I would have the privledge of being every roll a mother could ever be.  My heavenly father has truly blessed me with many little lives and I'm eternally grateful.

This year birth mothers day will be a day I am even more thankful for Jordan and the sacrifice she made for me.  Because the adoption has become semi-closed there are certain things I wish I could do for her that I can't.  Things that would be counter productive in Cayden's healing process (there will be a post about how that is going/not going to come in the next couple hours I hope) and yet very productive in Jordan's healing process I believe.  So this birth mother's day I will cry a tear in my behalf and hers.

This year mother's day will be a day where I celebrate my boys and the wonderful things they have brought to my life.  I can't imagine not having Cayden ask me a thousand questions while driving down the road and having Jaxson screaming at the top of his lungs the entire time (he HATES his car seat).

So please recognize the birth mother in your life this saturday.  Whether she is someone you don't know very well or someone who had given you the gift of motherhood she is someone special.  LET HER KNOW THAT!

Birth Parent Panel

I had the great privilege of sitting on a birth parent panel this past weekend.  For those of you who don't know what a birth parent panel is....


A birth parent panel is where birth parents (for the most part birth mothers because most birth fathers aren't involved or they don't like to talk about things) are asked questions about their adoption experience.  The questions range from what made you decide on adoption to share your advice for adoptive couples.  It's very insightful for many adoptive couples who have NEVER been on the other side of adoption.  While the adopting side is very positive and happy the placement side can be and usually is very negative and sad.  While there are moments that are happy and good when it comes to placement the simple decision to place your child for adoption is heart breaking, no matter what the situation is. So for adoptive couples to be able to hear first hand what it's like it better prepares them for the road ahead of them.


Any way back to what I was saying.  At the panel I realized a few things about me and my adoption(s).  

• The first thing is that I am INCREDIBLY blessed to have the support of EVERY single member of my family.  Not one of my aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents questioned my decision to place Ally for adoption.  They were completely supportive of my decision and were at times my rock in times of need.  
• The second thing I realized was that I am so blessed to be part of Lori and Barton's life.  They have continued to include me in their life, although I know at times it is a struggle because of their busy schedules, and I am truly beyond thankful.  Getting to know them for my entire pregnancy I bonded with them, both of them not just Lori, and it would have crushed me to not stay in contact with them.  I think of Lori as a sister and Barton a big brother.  I can turn to them with anything at any time.  They are completely understanding of everything and SO supportive of me.
• Third I realized that because I decided on the adoptive couple so soon I was able to feel comfortable enough with them to have them spend lots of time with me and Ally in the hospital.  I was able to watch as Ally's mother cut the cord and as her father loving looked on as she was all cleaned up.  I will NEVER forget being wheeled into the NICU and having Barton sitting watching over his daughter.  He is the man I always dreamed my daughter would have in her life and I am eternally grateful for him.
• Forth I realized that I need to do more to share the positive aspects of my adoption(s) with others.  While things with Cayden's adoption haven't always been positive there are aspects of it that are very positive.  People need to know what I've been through because I have a firm testimony that by sharing my experiences it can help others through the struggles they are going through.

So with that I'll end with an amazing quote by an amazing man....

"Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them, that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished His parental rights or interest in these His little ones.Now, love them, take care of them."
President Gordon B. Hinckley