Sad vs Angry

Remember this post HERE where I was really struggling with things last year on Ally's birthday.  I thought for sure this year would be better.  I thought I'd be happy with how things were going and I wouldn't have to deal with any issues from placement.  Man was I wrong.  The only difference is that this year I'm not sad, I'm angry.  Angry at what though.  I don't know.  I can't tell you that I'm angry I placed her for adoption because I'm not.  I've never been more proud of that decision.  I've never been more sure of that decision.  I've tried to talk to my husband about things but he just keeps saying "It's been 4 years shouldn't you be over this by now."  That statement just makes me even more angry because I think the exact same thing.  It's been 4 years shouldn't I be over this by now.  But that's the thing.  I am over this.  I have moved on with my life.  I have my own family, a new baby, a very active 4 year old so why can't I just have an easy year!  It's so frustrating, it's maddening...

And it just hit me... that's why I'm angry!!!  I'm angry that when I think about tomorrow I get sad.  I'm angry that when I thought about birth mother's day and mother's day I got sad.  I'm angry that I haven't gotten past this yet!  How long is it going to take me?  It's so annoying that I still get sad about it.  I know what I did was right.  I'm ok with what I did.  I know my daughter is with her family.  WHY?!

Birth Mothers Day

Most people outside the world of adoption do not know about birth mother's day.  Many people inside the adoption world do not know about birth mother's day.  It's not a day marked on calendars or a day a "typical" family would celebrate.  It is however a day I hold dear to my heart and a day that has brought me peace and comfort throughout my adoption journey.  It is a day that I always celebrate (even if my husbands thinks I shouldn't) because I am a birth mother and because a birth mother sacrificed for me and has given me Cayden.  Birth mother's day is the saturday before mothers day.  The first birth mother's day that I experienced was actually the day I signed my rights away (you can read more about it HERE), something I felt so strongly about that it was very easy for me to do.  The first mother's day I experienced was in the hospital, with Ally (you can read more about it HERE).  Both days were hard for me because I didn't know exactly what I should feel.  On birth mother's day I didn't feel I had done anything special to deserve the title (because at that point I hadn't) and on mother's day I didn't feel I deserved to be called Ally's mother (because I wasn't).  Over the years birth mother's day became crucial in my healing process.  Every year I would spend time by myself thinking about the choice I had made, thinking about the baby I had given an amazing life to.  However healing birth mother's day was for me mother's day seemed to be increasingly harder as the years went on.  2009 was the hardest year for me to date.  I had just met Daniel and my emotions were pretty high at the time.  Cayden had also just become part of my life but I wasn't positive how things were shaping up with his birth mother.  I was sort of in limbo.  Each year has improved and with Jaxson being added to our family this mother's day will be even more special.
I never dreamed in a thousand years I would have the privledge of being every roll a mother could ever be.  My heavenly father has truly blessed me with many little lives and I'm eternally grateful.

This year birth mothers day will be a day I am even more thankful for Jordan and the sacrifice she made for me.  Because the adoption has become semi-closed there are certain things I wish I could do for her that I can't.  Things that would be counter productive in Cayden's healing process (there will be a post about how that is going/not going to come in the next couple hours I hope) and yet very productive in Jordan's healing process I believe.  So this birth mother's day I will cry a tear in my behalf and hers.

This year mother's day will be a day where I celebrate my boys and the wonderful things they have brought to my life.  I can't imagine not having Cayden ask me a thousand questions while driving down the road and having Jaxson screaming at the top of his lungs the entire time (he HATES his car seat).

So please recognize the birth mother in your life this saturday.  Whether she is someone you don't know very well or someone who had given you the gift of motherhood she is someone special.  LET HER KNOW THAT!

Birth Parent Panel

I had the great privilege of sitting on a birth parent panel this past weekend.  For those of you who don't know what a birth parent panel is....


A birth parent panel is where birth parents (for the most part birth mothers because most birth fathers aren't involved or they don't like to talk about things) are asked questions about their adoption experience.  The questions range from what made you decide on adoption to share your advice for adoptive couples.  It's very insightful for many adoptive couples who have NEVER been on the other side of adoption.  While the adopting side is very positive and happy the placement side can be and usually is very negative and sad.  While there are moments that are happy and good when it comes to placement the simple decision to place your child for adoption is heart breaking, no matter what the situation is. So for adoptive couples to be able to hear first hand what it's like it better prepares them for the road ahead of them.


Any way back to what I was saying.  At the panel I realized a few things about me and my adoption(s).  

• The first thing is that I am INCREDIBLY blessed to have the support of EVERY single member of my family.  Not one of my aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents questioned my decision to place Ally for adoption.  They were completely supportive of my decision and were at times my rock in times of need.  
• The second thing I realized was that I am so blessed to be part of Lori and Barton's life.  They have continued to include me in their life, although I know at times it is a struggle because of their busy schedules, and I am truly beyond thankful.  Getting to know them for my entire pregnancy I bonded with them, both of them not just Lori, and it would have crushed me to not stay in contact with them.  I think of Lori as a sister and Barton a big brother.  I can turn to them with anything at any time.  They are completely understanding of everything and SO supportive of me.
• Third I realized that because I decided on the adoptive couple so soon I was able to feel comfortable enough with them to have them spend lots of time with me and Ally in the hospital.  I was able to watch as Ally's mother cut the cord and as her father loving looked on as she was all cleaned up.  I will NEVER forget being wheeled into the NICU and having Barton sitting watching over his daughter.  He is the man I always dreamed my daughter would have in her life and I am eternally grateful for him.
• Forth I realized that I need to do more to share the positive aspects of my adoption(s) with others.  While things with Cayden's adoption haven't always been positive there are aspects of it that are very positive.  People need to know what I've been through because I have a firm testimony that by sharing my experiences it can help others through the struggles they are going through.

So with that I'll end with an amazing quote by an amazing man....

"Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them, that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished His parental rights or interest in these His little ones.Now, love them, take care of them."
President Gordon B. Hinckley

Physical vs Emotional

I will NEVER forget the emotional pain that day (May 14, 2007) holds.  The feeling that life itself was ending, that my heart would stop beating.  I will NEVER forget that pain....

This pregnancy however I've had to endure a different kind of pain.  Physical pain.  A pain that, trust me, I would take a thousand times over instead of the emotional pain.  The physical pain of this pregnancy started on January 12 (DANG paper route :)) and unfortunately didn't end at delivery like I was hoping.  My physical pain has continued throughout nursing.  It's not done yet either.  After 10 days of antibiotic shots in my butt (talk about extreme burning pain) I'm still suffering from the worst case of mastitis (breast infection) that my doctor has ever seen.  You know you're the "worst case scenario" when they ask to take a picture for future reference.  The physical pain from mastitis, on top of continuing to nurse, on top of healing from delivery has been more than I can bare at times.  I've broken down crying many times telling my mom or Daniel that I'm done, I quit, I can't take it anymore.

And then I remember sitting on the edge of that hospital bed saying goodbye to my baby Ally.
I remember... I can do hard things.  
I can and will do anything for my children.  I will willing take this physical pain because my child will benefit.  I will take this physical pain because I've already done the worst emotional pain any human being can handle.  I will take this physical pain because I am a mother!

Jaxson Parley

Introducing the newest addition to my circle of motherhood.  Jaxson Parley Shaw.

Being able to be a birth mother, adoptive mother, and biological mother has brought many blessings into my life. I am eternally grateful for the blessings adoption has brought to my life and even more grateful for the peace the newest addition has brought to my soul.  I am loving every minute of my life right now and can't wait to share more moments of how adoption will continue to touch my life.