Thursday, November 3, 2011

Kim's Q & A about fighting for an open adoption

I was able to have a little Q & A with a birth mother friend who has been with me from the beginning.  Me and Kim have been through the ringer together.  We've both made stupid decisions and yet come out all the better.  I love her like the sister I never had.  I would fly around the world for this girl.  I tell you I'd do crazy things for her.  I have driven many miles to save this girl and I know she will do the same for me.  She is my SheRa!
See what I mean... The most beautiful SheRa I've ever met!

Q:  Your adoption started out open and had a define the adoption talk in the hospital, correct?
A:  Yes that was the initial agreement.  We also said we'd keep in communication and see how to modify as things go along.

Q:  How many visits did you have in the first year?
A:  About 3.  One at for his baby blessing, another extra one, and one at Christmas time.

Q:  When did things start to close off?
A:  When I started dating my ex husband. He wanted that chapter of my life to come to a close. So 6 months after placement

Q:  So was it you choosing to close it or the adoptive couple?
A:  Not at all.... We just lost communication and closeness I felt like my requests didn't pull as much weight after I had him.  They wanted, especially the adoptive Christian (The adoptive father), to feel like they had "ownership".  It was at that point in time I had to fight and be uncomfortably blunt

Q:  Do you feel like they've come to terms with that and moved past needing "ownership"?
A:  Yes I believe after 4 years and especialy since they've moved to Virginia.

Q:  What was the hardest thing for you at first when the contact wasn't what you had planned on?
A:  When I asked for at least pictures for 2 years and no efforts were even made.  I have no idea what he looked like at 2 and 3 years.  I didn't get any pictures for his 2nd and 3rd birthday.  It wasn't until I finally pushed and was very blunt when I talked to him and them on his 4th birthday that I got pictures.  I have however been able to talk with them on the phone every year for his birthday.

Q:  Did they explain why they didn't send pictures?
A:  Nope just was a little flaky and used moving as an excuse

Q:  Do you think there is anything you could have said or done to prevent the drop in "contact" for lack of better wording?
A:  I don't believe I could have done more, comfortably and not feeling like I was being angry...that's the last thing want that beautiful family to experience from me.

Q:  Is there something you'd tell another birth mother who is in a similar situation?
A:  To stand firm and assert them with what you want and how you want it.  Set clear expectations from the get go. Try to visualize how you'll feel. And decide for yourself how you'd like it to be, from the beginning. And trust that they'll be respectful.

Q:  Does the birth father have any contact with them?
A: None whatsoever... even tho I know he'd want to see him

Q:  Is that the couples choice?
A:  More of mine. I planned on him never being in the picture. So I kept it that way. I kind of painted a bad picture of the birth father to Christian and we all tend to do.  I however didn't tell them anything but the truth.

Q:  Do you have contact with the birth father?
A:  Yes we have kept in touch over the years he is married and has a daughter now.  I'm #3 of 4 baby mama's

Q:  Has he expressed to you a desire to see the baby?
A:  Yes he wanted to fly me out to PA and then go together to go see Hudson.  I said no and at the time my husband wouldn't have ever gone for it.

Q:  Would you like for the birth father to have a relationship now?
A:  I would if it meant a great deal to him. I know I hurt him terribly so I'd like to make things better for him and IF it was a good thing for Hudson right now or later on

Q:  What has been the biggest struggle with the adoption when it comes to your family. They were all really supportive at placement and after. Has there been anything that has been super hard for them?
A: No they've all been greatful for adoption and knew it was for the best

Q: Who have been your support people through your pregnancy and after placement?
A:  My mom and one sister who initially remained interested and asked.  The let me talk about it freely

Q:  What about your adoption do you wish you could change?
A:  Not a whole lot just wish to be respected more by everyone and realize I still do and will always have feelings about it.  And just more of an open communication from the get go

Q:  What advice would you give to other birth mothers?
A:  One thing I must say to birth mothers who are expecting is to not let any make you feel shameful. As if this time this miracle this gift of love and HUGE blessing is shameful and to be hidden NO it is one of the most beautiful experiences with my heavenly father


Adam and Debbie said...

Thank you for this post. We're still hoping to adopt and the more we can learn about birthmoms and their feelings the better. Hearing your stories help me to know what to do and what not to do and how to work with an open adoption. Thanks.

Katelyn Krum Shaw said...

I'm glad you are able to gain something from my posts. I try to post things that I feel people want to or need to know. Enjoy reading!