Sunday, November 6, 2011

Most hurtful

I think the most hurtful thing that has ever been said to me about adoption was actually said to me by my 7 year old nephew. "You're not Cayden's real mom."
I guess the first time I heard it I was a little taken off guard but didn't take offense to him saying it. Tonight when I heard it for the 5th time, completely out of the blue, I had to walk out of the room and broke down bawling... My sister-in-law said I needed to explain or to him.  I did, the first time he said it to me.  You see the situation in their family is a little different.  Their oldest is from my sister-in-laws first marriage.  However my brother and sister-in-law have been married since their oldest was 3.  So she told me to tell him that his oldest sister's dad isn't his real dad but she still calls him dad... Sorry but that's completely different. And to be completely honest I don't think I should have to anymore. The first time he said it to me noone else was around so yes, I did explain it to me (as well as the second, third, and forth time).  I think when the parent it their it should be their place to correct their child. Am I wrong?
I then asked my mom how to address it and was told "Oh get over it."  that sent me over the edge!  Why is it that my family doesn't seem to care?  They don't seem to correct the problem.  Yes he's 7 but what he is saying is wrong.  It should be corrected by someone other than me because clearly me correcting him isn't working.  I freaked out and said something I shouldn't have.  I was just asking for support, help, answers.  Instead I got nothing.  I'm frustrated and hurt.  I know I need to say something but honestly right now I can't talk/write about it without crying.  My biggest fear is that people will say that to Cayden.  He's so sensitive that I fear it'll really hurt his feelings.  This is one area of adoption that really isn't all that wonderful.

5 comments:

Camille Spence said...

My mommy warned me that one day my siblings would tell me I wasn't their real sister, and when it happened I remember thinking ”how did she know that would happen?” But I also shaped back at my little sister that if she thought we weren't real sisters, then she could just go on lying to herself, but that if anything mom and dad were more my parents than hers, since I am 4 years older than her, and have been around in the family for longer than her. Her face was so shocked, and nobody else in the family has ever said anything like that again. Not the same situation, but you are his mother, legally and in love. You can defend yourself to your family, but I think it's also good to teach your baby that no matter what anyone says, he is your real son, you are his real mommy, and some people just don't understand, but just because that's what they think, doesn't make them right.

Sara Shaw said...

You can't change what others feel about the situation but one thing I've learned is blood does not make family. Cayden knows who his family is and you know who your sons are.

Rick and Sarah said...

That was always the first question the other kids would ask me when they found out I was adopted: "Do you know your real parents?" So my parents are what? Fake? I knew they didn't mean to be hurtful, they just didn't think about what they were saying, so I would correct them and say that I didn't know my birth parents, but yes, of course I know my real parents. I live with them! You may not be Cayden's biological mom, but you are certainly his "real" mom. I wish I knew what to say about your nephew. He has to know that what he's saying is hurtful. Hopefully his mom will read this post and say something to him.

Kristine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Adam and Debbie said...

I'm sorry that those close to you haven't been as supportive and understanding as you'd like. I love your unique viewpoint on adoption from all the different sides! And as far as motherhood goes, it doesn't have anything to do with biology. One of the people I love the most is my husband who is in no way related to me biologically. But I love him and he's part of my family. A mother is someone who loves her children, and there's no reason a child can't have two mothers who both love him.