Adoptive Couple Retreat

Last year I had the chance to be on the birth mother panel for this retreat. It was such an awesome experience and I was able to meet so many great people. I learned so much about being an adoptive mother and was able to teach others about what a birth mother goes through. I am very excited to be able to help out with the retreat again this year. Although I may go into labor and won't be able to be there I'm excited non the less... So ADOPTIVE COUPLES.... you are invited!!! Pass the info along to someone you know who you think could benefit... I'd love to meet you and see you there! http://retreatforadoptivecouples.blogspot.com/

MINE!

Well for starters I must admit that I have been slacking at posting things on here. I've started many things but don't find the motivation to finish them Life as a stay at home mom has left me less and less time on the computer (it's defiantly a good thing) which means less and less updates on the blogs. Although I'm usually up until 2 am every night (yes Mr. Jaxson doesn't know how to allow his mommy to sleep) I don't have the motivation required to blog. But tonight I HAVE to blog. I was scanning through friends blogs when I came across a video posted on one of my high school friends blogs. It's a video she put together of the birth of her son. Honestly I have to tell you that I cried. Why did I cry you ask. Well at first I couldn't figure it out. And then it hit me. I was watching her hold HER son, love HER son, be with HER husband, and share those moments with him. I realized in those moments that I've attempted to distance myself from all of those things. Up until this blog posting I have NEVER called myself Jaxson's mommy. I have attempted to not feel some things I think every mother has felt. Yes it's strange, no it's probably not normal, but it's what I've been doing. I'm thinking the reason is because that is what I did my last pregnancy. I am a creature of habit and maybe because I didn't allow myself to feel certain things during my pregnancy with Ally I feel that I shouldn't with this pregnancy. Well I'm going to put forth a great effort to make that stop.

The following statements may come out wrong but I can't think of any other way to say it. Jaxson Parley is MY child! I don't have to share him with anyone, EVER! I don't have to ask to see pictures or share pictures with others. I don't have to call for a visit or be called for a visit. He is completely, utterly, 100% MINE!!!

As I've thought about the fact that we're having a boy (yes I've come to terms with it and am enjoying it) I've come to realize the reason we're having a boy. We're having a boy for me! There are some things about Cayden's adoption that are really hurtful to me. Things that I don't often share with other people. Some of those things include the fact that I wasn't there for so many important things and Daniel doesn't really remember them (because he's Daniel) so he can't share them with me. I wasn't there when Cayden smiled for the first time, I don't even know how old he was for that. I wasn't there when he rolled over for the first time, crawled for the first time, laughed for the first time... ok you get the point. So many of his first time things I wasn't there for. I have to admit I have been VERY jealous of all my friends that get to experience those first time things with their babies. Not only am I jealous of them but I sometimes find myself jealous (and slightly angry toward) of Jordan. She was there for some of those moments and the ones that she wasn't there for it was her own choice to not be. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be ok that I wasn't there for Cayden's first birthday and she was. I hope I will be, I have faith that I will be, I pray that I will be.

I sometimes feel really stupid for being jealous for those times that I wasn't able to be there in Cayden's life because I get to spend the rest of Cayden's life with him. I can't explain why I feel the way I do, I just know that I do. I wonder if sometimes people who adopt children through foster care feel that way? And then I think about Jaxson and the fact that he is MINE and I will be there for all of those moments and I will be able to do all of the things I didn't get to with Cayden and I smile. I am so grateful that while I prayed desperately to have a girl Heavenly Father listened to my prayers and went on his jolly little way planning out my life how it needed to happen.

And then I have this heart stopping fear.... Will Cayden be jealous of Jaxson because mommy was there for his first birthday and not Cayden's? Will Cayden be jealous of Jaxson because I've always been in his life? I hope he won't. I pray he won't. But what if he does? What will I do? How will I let Cayden know that although I have always been in Jaxson's life I still love him just the same. I still think of him as MINE as well, but mine in a different way. Maybe there is another reason we're having a boy first, so that it wouldn't create even more problems for Cayden.

So I am vowing right here and now to who ever reads this that I will begin to feel like a mother to Jaxson. I will allow myself to want to feel him move. I will allow myself to not be miserable all the time. I will allow myself to smile over the fact that MY son is growing healthy and strong. I will allow myself to know that I will be a good mother to MY son and that he will be loved by ME!

24 weeks 4 days

His real reason

After getting a phone call from Branden, (yes you read that right, he some how found my number and decided it would be a good idea to call me) the other night I have a NEW perspective on what was going through his head. For starters he doesn't care about my daughter, he never has. He was such a jerk to me when I decided to place my daughter for adoption not because he was "loosing" his child but because he was loosing me. He STILL compares everyone he dates to me (talk about living in the past) and at one point told the mother of his two children (also his ex-fiance) that he couldn't marry her because she just didn't live up to what I had been to him. Seriously.... I don't even know that I ever loved him! I feel like he was a means to getting Ally to her family and that's it. Some of the hurtful things he said to me got to me, they would get to any person who was pregnant and single, but not because I loved him. I had ALWAYS thought that he reasons for being against the adoption weren't what he was "claiming" they were.... and NOW I know it! He actually told me he's still in love with me.... WTF!!! I responded with "Well I'm completely and utterly 100% in love with my husband and wouldn't change a thing about my life." I am SO glad I handled the situation the way I did!!!

HE DIDN'T KNOW!!!!

After brief email I found out that Branden didn't know alot of things! He didn't know that the papers he signed allowed me complete control over the situation! He didn't know that if he refused to sign the achknowledgment papers he would have forced me to parent! He didn't know his rights! How do you get yourself into a situation like that and NOT KNOW!?! Why would you sign papers and not know?!

Love....

So as I sat watching these two play I couldn't but think about how extremely different my love is for each of them. I love Ally in a very different way than I love Cayden. I love Ally more like a niece than my daughter, which as I've thought about it is completely healthy for me. I love to see her, hear how she's doing, hear her cute little voice, talk to her about everything that is going on in her life, and just watch her play. But as I sat with her the other day I realized how different my love is for her. Some people may say that it's wrong for me to not feel a "mother's love" for her but I just have to say.... I'm not her mother. Lori is, always has been and always will be, her mother. She knows Lori as her mother and knows me as her birth mother.

I am so blessed to have the relationship I do with Lori and Barton. As I was in their home Lori asked Ally who's belly she grew in. Ally didn't even hesitate to point to mine and smile. Would I feel the way I do about adoption if it weren't for Lori and Barton, I don't know. But even bigger blessings have come through Lori, blessings she doesn't even know of.

When Cayden and I got home from visiting with Ally Cayden came up to me, took my face in his sweet little hands, looked into my eyes and said "I grew in Jordan's belly huh mommy?" I couldn't help but smile and say "Yes, you did." Then he said something that I thought wouldn't happen for a LONG time. He said "She's my birth mom huh?!" I was brought to tears and simply nodded my head when he continued and said "That means she loves me alot huh?" I said "Yes" and Cayden got the biggest smile on his face and said, "I like having a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom." I sat and hugged Cayden for as long as he would let me. I can't help but think of the blessing that Lori was in this situation.

Before a few days ago the mention of a birth mom would throw Cayden into an asthma attack but after playing and visiting with other children that have a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom he's become more "ok" with the situation. I don't know if I had more of a closed adoption with Ally if Cayden would have "come to terms" with his "situation" as soon as he did.

So while I love Ally differently than I love Cayden... I can't help but feel extremely blessed to have them both in my life!

I was wrong

So I may have done some things wrong in my adoption experience with Ally... things that I look back on now and wonder if I could change would I. I don't know. It's been just over 4 years since I found out I was pregnant with Ally. Almost 4 years since I told Lori and Barton I would be placing my baby with them. And almost 4 years since I last talked to Branden. But in those 4 years I have to admit I've thought about him often. I've wondered if he's happy and how he's doing. But most of all I've thought about how he relates in such a big part to my life. I've wondered if I regret some of the things I said to Branden when I was pregnant. And while I admit, up until a year ago you couldn't have paid me to say yes, I am truly sorry for the way I handled the situation.

There is a large part of me that wishes Branden would have reacted differently when I expressed my desire to place Ally for adoption. But at the same time, I wonder if his "support" in the situation would have made the decision I made even more difficult. But no matter how difficult it would have made things for me, I know I was wrong. He should have been there at my doctor appointments and check-ups. He should have been there when I went into early labor because of the car accident. He should have been there to worry just as I did when she wasn't breathing at birth. He should have been able to hold her before he had to say good-bye and not after.

There is never any way for me to undo the past and honestly I don't think I would. While I do have regrets about how I handled the situation in regard to Branden I truly believe that had things been differently Ally would not have gotten to where she needed to be on this earth. So while I'm sorry for the things I said and did I believe that I personally needed the situation to be how it was so that I could force myself to have the strength to do what I needed to do.

I have wondered many times if he ever thinks about her like I do. And so because I know my choices had an effect on him that he had very little control over I wanted to offer my memory to him. If he ever wondered what it was like when she was born, I'm willing to share. If he ever wondered what my pregnancy was like, I'm willing to share. If he ever wondered anything and I have the answer, I'm willing to share.

And while I know this doesn't change the past I guess I hope it will ease any pain I may have caused him.

Branden with his 2 daughters

Grateful

Today I can't help but be grateful. Who am I kidding. I can't help but be grateful every day for Lori and Barton. They are simply AMAZING! Through everything I have been through since placement, including a failed marriage in which Barton walked me through the divorce process, they have ALWAYS been so supportive of me. Through the big events in my life they have always been there. Lori continually amazes me at how wonderful a mother she is to all their 5 children! They have never once made me feel unwelcome in their home. They have never once made me not feel special. They have always understood my feelings and been very helpful in everything I've gone through in the last little while. I truly don't know who I'd be if it weren't for them. They are angels in my life. So because I know Lori reads this blog ;).... Thank you thank you thank you!

Why?

Why am I always the one that has to live my fears? Why am I always the one that has to live through things the hard way? Why am I always the one that has to be a test waffle? Why do I have to have so many dang fears that are ALL related to continuing my family?

To better understand why I'm asking all these WHY questions you must first know some pretty good news. I say pretty good but in reality I've been waiting for this day for MONTHS now. My husband and I found out today that our baby (due 3-26-11) will be a BOY!

Everything is healthy and growing perfectly. With that said I've been crying on and off since we found out (not until we left the clinic though) and I cried myself to sleep too. I thought at first I was crying because I didn't want a boy. But it wasn't until I talked with a friend that I realized why I have been crying so much.... It's not because I'm not happy we're having a boy. It's not because my heart was set on a girl. It's because I keep remembering sitting on the edge of that hospital bed holding Ally thinking that one day I'd take home my own daughter and then walking out of the room, falling to the floor and thinking that I'd never have another baby girl. A baby boy will be wonderful for Cayden and for our family. I'm excited to do all the boy things and what not but no matter how much I am excited and know it's right I just can't shake the feelings that I might never have what I gave Lori and Barton. I know without a doubt that what I did was right. I have never wanted it any other way. I know the decision and sacrifice I made was right and true but some times my emotions/fears get the best of me.

So as I continue to cry I realize that it's healthy and normal and I think alot of birth mothers feel this way, at least I hope they do and I'm not just crazy.

Closing an Adoption

I NEVER thought I would be the one saying that a closed adoption would be a good situation for a child. But as the weeks have gone on with Cayden acting out and having his asthma attacks I've realized that what is best for my child is not what I feel is best in a classic adoption situation.
For weeks I have questioned if Cayden ever accept the fact that he has a birth mother and a mother. After days like I've been through in the past few weeks I don't know that he ever will. I've done my best to only answer his question about his adoption when he ask them. But he never seems to like the answers that I come up with.

The other day Cayden was angry or sad ALL day. He woke up crying, went down for a nap crying, woke up again crying. Ate his food in tears. Everything he did he cried about. Every time I would ask him why he was crying his answer was short and simple.... "I don't want to have a mommy and a daddy and a birth mom. I only want to have a mommy and a daddy." I told him that "having a mommy and a daddy and a birth mom means that there are more people that love you." That didn't sit well with him.

He would at times ask "Mommy, who is Jordan?" To which my response was either "She's your birth mom" or "You grew in her belly"(the answers that we have ALWAYS given Cayden when he asks about Jordan). But any time he brought her up it would turn into a crying fit, which would become an asthma attack, which would turn into a panic attack and ultimately end in lots of tears and me holding him blowing in his face hoping he'd calm down and breathe.

I don't get it any more. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it. Daniel thinks we just don't answer his questions when they are about Jordan. UM... hello have you met Cayden? If you don't answer his question he only freaks out more and throws a bigger fit. I'm considering taking Cayden in to see a specialist of something because it isn't healthy for him. The things he remembers from his past scare me (they would scare any mother if they had happened to their child) and I wish he could forget them but for some reason, he doesn't. He remembers them with detail that I find astounding. He tells me at times he hurts where he hurt yesterday. When I ask what he's talking about the details always go back to real events that happened over a year ago, some even longer.

I'm worried, I'm not sleeping, and I feel like it's all going to come crashing down some day, some day soon.

A few days ago I asked Cayden why he'd been so "naughty" lately. He responded with something I'd NEVER thought about. Something that breaks my heart as a mother, birth, and adoptive mother. Before I explain any further you need to know what Cayden said. He said, "I don't want Christmas to come. If I'm naughty it won't come." When I asked him why he didn't want Christmas to come (even though he's been telling me every day what he wants for Christmas) you said "Because that's when Jordan comes." My heart broke as I realized how truly traumatized Cayden is right now in his life. At 3 1/2 he doesn't want Christmas to come because he was scared of seeing Jordan. I told Cayden that this year Christmas would just be Mommy and Daddy and Cayden and that he wouldn't have to see anyone that he didn't want to. It's SO sad that he can't think of anything else but negative. It's sad that he's having to deal with emotions that most people don't ever have to, and he's only 3 1/2!

So, we went to talk to his doctor. And as hard as this is for me to say it's something that I know is right and true. Something I've prayed about and finally found peace in. While I will still be open and willing to talk about Jordan with Cayden I've had to realize that an open adoption is not what is healthy and best for him. I tried for the longest time to hold out hope that things would change but I don't know that it will. Having such an open adoption with Ally and having to have a closed adoption with Cayden is VERY hard for me. But it's not me that matters. It's him. I love him more than life and only want what's best for him. So tonight, I hold him a little closer, I sing to him a little more. And share my heart with him like never before.

Jordan (Cayden's birth mother), Cayden, and Me

Fears

I've realized this pregnancy that I have many fears... Fears that I don't think are normal but that for whatever I'm experiencing. So here is my list.

• I fear that I will never have a baby girl and that I lost out on that chance


• I fear that when this baby comes I will have the same feelings of placement all over again


• I fear that if this baby doesn't come out completely healthy I'll have an emotional break down.


• I fear that I will love this baby more than Cayden.


• I fear that Cayden won't get the time and attention that he needs.


• I fear that somehow I won't love this baby like I love Cayden.


• I fear I'm going to have an emotional break down if we find out we're having a boy.


• I fear that Daniel won't understand if I have an emotional break down if we find out we're going to have a boy.


• I fear that with everything going on in life I won't be the mother to my children like I know I need to be.


• I fear that I'll make it to 32 weeks and the baby will be born still born or something.

My list could go on and on about things I fear will happen or will not happen. I think that at times my fears run my life. I dote on Cayden making sure he gets as much love and attention from me as he possibly can before the baby comes. Then at the same time I worry that all the attention I'm giving him is only going to make the transition that much harder. And what if for some reason I feel a different love for a baby that I carried than I do for Cayden. To me right now it makes no sense. I would do anything and everything for Cayden. I love him more than life itself and I can't imagine loving him any less. But what if it's a different kind of love. Is that even possible? When am I going to get to the point that I quit fearing what could be and live for what is? Is that ever possible after the loss (and yes I just said loss) of placing a child for adoption? I still don't know if any of this makes sense and I don't know if it ever will to someone that hasn't lived through the heart ache and pain that I have. I often wish I could talk with Emma Smith. While her situation was different she too felt the loss of loosing a child but then gaining 2 through "adoption". Her strength and testimony is amazing to me. To think that she would bury so many of her children rattles my mind. Out of 7 pregnancies she would only have the joy of raising but a handful of her children. Out of my 5 pregnancies so far(including this one) I will only have the joy of hopefully raising 1 of those children. Yes I have been truly blessed by Cayden. I can't imagine what I would do without that little man. And I believe Emma felt the same way when Joseph and Julia Murdock were brought into her life. Do I have the kind of faith that it takes to be a woman such as Emma? I fear (yes that dreadful word) at times that I may not. I pray that I do. I pray that the Lord will give me strength to carry me through all that I know is ahead of me. And yes I have fears, what I believe are valid fears, that at times seem insurmountable. And today was one of those days. This last week has been one of those weeks. Will I ever really be able to not hurt from Ally's placement?

And for your reading enjoyment
18 weeks pregnant

Coming full circle

So after finding out that I may never be able to have kids of my own I realized something (it took me a while to realize this). Something that gave me a WHOLE new perspective on things. Something that made me quit stressing about getting/staying pregnant. I realized that maybe I was put on this earth to let other people know the true benefits of adoption. Maybe I am not able to have more children so that I can more fully experience how wonderful adoption is. Maybe I need to teach other people what it feels like when you love so much you do something for someone else instead of for yourself. I realized that it didn't matter if I would ever carry another child in my womb but that I would forever be a mother. With time I quit counting the days 'til mother nature would come knocking. With time I quit counting the days 'til I was prime to cook. And in that time I was prepared for the trials that would be ahead of me.

In late July I realized that "mother nature" hadn't come knocking for a while. I knew I was pregnant but wasn't about to get excited about it. I immediately took a test(well actually 2)....

Positive. I didn't allow my self to get to excited. I had experienced 2 other positive pregnancy tests that resulted in miscarriages. I immediately made an appointment with my dr. I didn't know how far along I was because "mother nature" with me hadn't been normal lately.

I held my breath the entire ultra sound. Yes I was pregnant but had it implanted correctly. Would it be a viable pregnancy. With my husband in Texas at the time all these feelings were VERY overwhelming! The doctor told me he'd check with another doctor in the office and let me know if everything would be ok. Less than ten minutes later my doctor came back in the room and let me know that while it was still very early everything looked good. The embryo had implanted in a good place and seemed to be viable. But the key in the situation was time and caution. The doctor told me no lifting more than a milk gallon, limit my exercise, and rest as much as possible.

Going back 2 weeks later they did another ultra sound. The baby was growing and looking great. I was sick as sick could be, which was a good sign. The doctor kept me on lifting restrictions and told me that if I could make it to 15 weeks I would be able to carry full term. I am 14 weeks now! I can't believe that in a matter of months I could possibly be sitting in a hospital room, this time holding a baby that without a doubt I will be walking out of the hospital with. I can't believe it and yet at the same time I can't wait for it. I do fear however that if I have a girl I will start re-living the moment of placement (since I will be delivering at the same hospital and everything) and have an emotional break down. But I keep my faith, I know that the Lord will make me strong and I carry on.

Doubt... 3rd birthday

May 10, 2010 was a very hard day for me. A day that I wasn't expecting to be hard. I cried most of the day. This day 3 years ago my baby was born. She was my joy for so long. She was what I lived for, what I improved my life for. I woke up the morning and was sad. Throughout the day I got more and more sad. It didn't make sense to my husband why I was so sad. But there were things going on in my life that I didn't expect, things that I didn't want to happen.

After a miscarriage in December of 2009 I went to see my doctor to make sure everything was ok. They did an ultra sound and found out a couple things. Things that honestly didn't make sense. After a huge description that I didn't exactly understand he told me some DREADFUL news. He said, "Katelyn I have to tell you that your percentage of carrying another pregnancy full term is about 5%. You'll be able to get pregnant but I don't know how long you'll be able to carry the baby."

After leaving the doctor it hit me.... I may not ever have another chance to have a baby. I could possibly have given away my one chance at having a baby! Why would this happen to me? Why would god have me go through with the adoption only to later find out that I wouldn't be able to have my own children. Only later to find out that I would be in the same situation as many adoptive couples. Wanting desperately to have a baby but knowing that it wasn't possible! It wasn't fair!

Ally's third birthday was the first day in YEARS that I truly and honestly felt regret over the decision that I made. I didn't want to feel that way, I didn't know why I was feeling that way. I prayed and prayed and finally realized that I needed to talk to Lori and Barton about things. I had emailed Lori previously and told her that I was struggling with things. She sent me pictures and let me know that they were always there to talk if I wanted to.

That night I called their home in hopes that I could talk with Ally. After talking with Barton about what they had done that day he asked... "Would you like to talk to Ally?" I'm so glad they know what to say when I need it most. The talk with Ally was perfect, just what I needed.

And then... when I later got this picture sent to me. I knew... My daughter was where she was suppose to be. I knew that if I wasn't able to ever carry another child that I had done what was best for the one that I had. I knew that I would be a mother and that everything would work out.

Sealings

There were days along the process that made everything worth it. Those days include Dec 1, 2007... The day Ally was sealed to her parents FOREVER!
The other day was Sept 4, 2010... The day Cayden was sealed to me and Daniel FOREVER!
One of the biggest blessing that have come into my life through adoption is Lori and Barton. The joys they have brought to my life are simply indescribable. Lori is truly like a sister to me, and a daughter to my mother. Having them in the sealing room was such a touching and moving experience. I can't begin to explain how wonderful it was seeing Ally become part of her family forever and then being able to have my son with me forever. It warms my heart, fills my soul, and brings a smile to my face!

Step-Parent Adoption

So in the state of Utah a step parent adoption is a different process than a regular "from birth" adoption. The step parent must live with the child for one year with the biological parent as well. There can't be a period of separation for more than 4 weeks. The birth mother (in our situation) or birth father must relinquish their rights and also CONSENT to the adoption (That's the trickiest part of all). After talking to Cayden's birth mother for a while about things she was reassured that we would still continue to have contact with her and that she would be able to see Cayden grow up. When the time came for the finalization hearing I can't begin to tell you how completely and utterly nervous I was. There had been a few occasions where Cayden's birth mother said she wasn't ok with the adoption happening and she was going to find a way to stop it. I prayed so hard for months that she would be filled with peace, and that she would know that what she had done for her son was the right thing.


Of course when it came time for the hearing I was running a few minutes late that morning.... ya classic Katelyn. Our attorney actually called to make sure we would be there.... HA! Wouldn't miss it for the world. Everything went smoothly. Cayden sat and colored with my father while we talked with the Judge. As honestly as soon as the Judge signed those papers my heart was immediatly lighter. I felt like I had been carrying around a 50 pound weight everywhere that I went. My heart was jumping for joy. this little boy that I had dreamed about for years was truly, actually, and utterly MINE! I couldn't believe it!

And then I thought of the finalization hearing that I attended when my daughter's adoption was being finalized. Did her family have similar feelings? Did they worry that I would do something to jepardize what they had worked so hard to build? And then I thought back to when I sat in that court room and watched as Ally's parents were asked if they loved her, asked if they would do anything for her, asked if they were willing to take her on as their own. I can't begin to explain the feelings of peace and calm that filled me that day when I knew that without a doubt my daughter was where she needed to be. She was with her family. I had done the right thing and allowed God's plan to work through me.

At Cayden's finalization

At Ally's finalization

I'll love you forever....

About 6 weeks after I had Ally I had a dream, a dream that made me wonder so many things. In my dream I was sitting in a chair holding the most beautiful baby boy. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling. I kept singing songs and kissing the baby's face. Right before my dream ended I said "As long as your living my baby you'll be." I woke up stunned.

It didn't make sense that I would be holding a baby boy. I had just placed a baby girl for adoption, that would have made so much more sense had my dream been about a baby girl. I went back to sleep but didn't sleep well at all. The next day I couldn't stop thinking about the baby in my dream. Where was he, who was he, why did I need to be his mommy? So many questions and NO answers! For the next three weeks I had the same dream every single night. I realized that for whatever reason there was a little boy that needed me to be his mommy.

I didn't know why but I knew I would, with time, become his mommy. My life went down a different path than I thought it would and I soon forgot about the baby boy in my dreams. Through hard times in life however Heavenly Father kept reminding me with dreams of the same beautiful baby boy.

Right after I moving back home in October of 2008 I had my baby dream for five weeks, every single night. I knew in my heart something had happened and that baby boy needed me to be his Mommy. I cried so many nights because I had no control over the situation. I didn't know where the baby boy was or how to find him.

In January of 2009 I had the same dream again for 2 weeks straight. I knew without a doubt that soon I would find my baby boy and I would be his mommy. In April of 2009 I found my baby boy!!! I met his daddy, on a dating website, and we hit it off. Within days I met Cayden and when I saw him for the first time I just about screamed with joy. I had found my baby boy. Every single time I looked at him I knew.... "As long as your living my baby you'll be."

Cayden soon became attached to me and started calling me mommy. Although Daniel and I tried desperately to get him to call me KK or something other than Mommy he wouldn't. In my heart I knew why. He is my dream baby.

I remember seeing baby pictures of Cayden and my heart skipping a beat here and there. The baby in my dreams was, without a doubt him. I had held him and rocked him in my dreams so many times. I knew he was there, somewhere, but didn't know how to find him.

I can't begin to explain the immediate love the filled my heart. I know that Heavenly Father prepared me to be Cayden's mommy. I can't imagine my life without him! I am SO very blessed to be able to be his mommy!

Through months of arguments and a hostile environment at the place where Cayden's birth mother was living I finally realized why I needed to be a mother to Cayden. It broke my heart to know that there were times when Cayden wasn't safe. I hated being in out house without him on the weekends and hated even more the adjustment days after he would come home. I wanted my baby to be safe and loved all the time. Through many conversations with Cayden's birth mother we realized that things weren't going to change. It then became a matter of prayer and fasting. I offered my heart up to the Lord many times begging him to allow my child to always be safe.

We decided that it would be the right thing for us if his birth mother would allow me to adopt Cayden. At first she wasn't willing to even talk about it. But after a few months of seeing how happy he was in our home and seeing how much he loved me as his mother she signed the papers. I am and always will be grateful for the sacrifice Cayden's birth mother made for me. I wish her the best in everything that she does and I know the love that she does have for Cayden.

When I first found out I was pregnant with Ally there was no way I would have thought that I would become an adoptive mother. The day I placed Ally I never would have dreamed that my son, who is just 3 weeks older than Ally, would be already in the world waiting for me. I truly am blessed to be Ally's birth mother and Cayden's Mommy.

And so to both of my babies... Please Always remember....

"I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as your living my baby you'll be."

This is the Little face I would see in my dreams. Holding this little boy, rocking him back and forth, singing him songs.

A mother's dream

If there is any reason as to why a birth mother and adoptive mother form such a powerful bond the following "dream" will clearly explain it!

From an Adoptive Mother

Days after marrying the love of my life I had a "dream" that forever changed my life. I was dressed all in white standing in front of hundreeds of thousands of people. As I turned I faced my heavenly father and savior Jesus Christ standing in front of me. At that moment I was told that my greatest challenge in life would be that I would never be able to bear children of my own.

I fell to my knees and wept. I pleaded for any other challenge. I begged my Savior to be a mother to just one child. It had been my life long goal and dream to be a mother.

As I knelt in front of my Savior I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to look into the face of a young woman. She lifted me to my feet and then with tears falling down her cheeks she turned to my Savior and Heavenly Father and said, "Tell her to be at peace. I will have one for her." I turned to her in dismay, why would she do this for me? Who was she? How could this be true?

I then felt another hand on my shoulder and turned to see another young woman. She smiled at me and then again, turned to my Savior and Heavenly father and told them, "Tell her to be at peace. I will have one for her." My heart started to fill with joy. Would these young women truly be willing to make such a sacrifice as one as me? Could it be true?

Then in turn two other young woman put their arm on my shoulder and tearfully turned to my Savior and Heavenly Father and said "Tell her to be at peace. I will have one for her." My heart was so full. I didn't understand the love that I was feeling for these young woman.

I turned to my Savior and he instructed me to always be mindful of these young woman. To pray for them daily, and to always be grateful for the gift that they were giving me.

From that moment on I never doubted that I would adopt all 4 of my children. From that moment on I never doubted the love that I would feel for all 4 of our birth mothers. And to them I say, Thank you! Thank you for being willing to lift me in a time of need. Thank you for being willing to give me something I have no way of repaying you for. Thank you for my children!

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After hearing this I never doubted that my child was meant to be with her family. After hearing this I truly understood the love that is between me and Lori. After hearing this I am grateful for the chance to bless anothers life. But in the following weeks after Ally's placement I would have a similiar dream. A dream that I wouldn't understand but a dream that I would cherish forever!

Brandon seeing Ally

After I learned that Lori and Barton were ok with Brandon seeing Ally I kinda freaked out. Ok that's an understatement. My real feelings were that I was being undermined. I had done what was best for my child, and that was keeping Brandon out of her life, and yet in the end everything I did was for not. I felt like my feelings on the situation didn't matter. I was furious with Kevin for even considering it and furious with Lori and Barton for wanting to meet him. In reality they didn't know much about him, because I didn't know much about him, and wanted to know more. I didn't see Brandon opening up to them because of his feelings toward them. I was angry that he would go behind my back to get to the couple.

I emailed Lori and let her know that I was VERY concerned about the whole situation. She emailed me back and let me know that she too was very concerned about it. But that she thought they needed to give him a chance. I tried to tell her how many chances I gave him but I felt like it fell on deaf ears. She emailed me back and said that she had prayed about everything and felt like Brandon wouldn't leave them alone unless they did this.

I wanted to be there, not in the room, but in the agency when he was there. Kevin however didn't think that was a good idea so I once again took matters into my own hands. I decided that I would wait outside the agency and make sure that he didn't get away with my baby (that was my big concern... he'd threatened me a couple different times that if he ever saw Ally he'd take her). I knew the day that Brandon would be there but had to be tricky to find out what time. I showed up ten minutes early and watched Brandon pull up on his brand new Harley (yes since he was such a responsible adult he decided to buy a Harley).

I was furious the entire time. I didn't want him to hold my child. I didn't want him to feel like he was at all apart of the decision that I had made. When he was in there I was SO tempted to walk over to his Harley and just "happen" to knock it over... HAHAHAHA!!!! But of course I didn't. I knew that would just look bad and I wanted to be rid of him. I wanted him out of my life and out of the adoptive couples life.

I don't know what was said during the time he was in there. Lori took a few pictures (oh which I scrapbooked for her but felt like burning the whole time) of him holding Ally. I thought of how amazing Lori and Barton are. They are truly AMAZING!!!

Visits

I had my first visit with Ally on May 23, just over a week after I placed. We had originally planned that the first visit would be some time in June but I was going through withdraws. Not baby withdraws but family withdraws. Lori, Barton, Spencer, and Brady had become my life for so many months that not seeing them was killer. They were everything to me, they were basically family. I use to get phone calls once a day but after placement I didn't (out of respect for me of course) and I found it much harder to deal with placement. I can't imagine having a completely closed adoption! I called Lori and asked her if I could come spend time with their family, that was the key, I wasn't wanting to just spend time with Ally but spend time with their family as a whole. They are such great and amazing people it's hard not to love them!
The time that I spent with their family that night was SO healing! It was great to not only be able to see that Ally was happy and healthy but to see how much her brothers, mother, and father loved her. I talked with Lori and we decided that from now on we'd let me do the reaching out. Lori felt like she didn't want to over step on anything and if I was doing too much Lori knew the relationship we had and she would feel comfortable saying something. A few weeks later I called Lori and asked if we could get together again. It worked out that we met at Layton Park so the boys could play.
The visits continued at the park until it got to cold for Ally. A couple of times my mom would come with me. All in all it was good to be able to hold Ally. Love her, and as get to see those adorable boys! Although the park visits stopped I still continued to visit with Lori and see Ally. I can't begin to explain the joys that have come into my life because of this wonderful family and because of my wonderful baby.

About a month after I placed Brandon decided to call Kevin at LDSFS and request to see Ally. Kevin called me and I very clearly explained to him that I had notified Brandon when he could have seen Ally (while I was in the hospital after I had signed my papers) and he had chosen not to. Kevin told me that he would talk with Lori and Barton and see what they said. To my utter dismay they said that it would be ok for Brandon to see Ally.....

More of my time with Ally

This won't be the only post for today but because of all the pictures I posted yesterday I thought I'd add just a few today of the time I had with Ally.

This was by far my favorite thing to do with Ally. Take naps! I loved it!

This is the hat that came with the outfit. I seriously think it would have fit a one year old not a new born!

This is the blanket that I made for Ally. She was still hooked up to a heart monitor for a while the first part of the day but was able to be taken off of that around noon.

This was by far my the funniest thing Ally would do. She LOVED when I rubbed her feet... it put her right to sleep... however, the moment I stopped her leg would extend out. SO funny!

May 14, 2007: Placement

It's hard to start this. There are so many emotions tied to this day. So much happened that I don't know where to begin. Well I guess from the night before....

On Sunday night I stayed in the NICU as long as I could until I just about passed out from being so tired. I told the nurse that I needed the neonatologist to come to my room as soon as he got in. She told me that if I waited another 20 minutes he'd be here. So I waited to talk with him. I wanted to make sure that he and the nursing staff knew that tomorrow would be the last day that I had to spend with my child before I placed her into her mothers arms. I wanted to make sure they release her from the NICU before noon so that I could at least spend some alone time with her. The neonatologist told me he'd do everything he could but couldn't make any promises. In most cases the babies aren't allowed to leave the NICU unless they are leaving the hospital, but because of my "special" circumstance they would see what they could work out. I left the NICU that night feeling some what defeated. I didn't think I'd really get to spend the time with Ally like I wanted to. Now don't get me wrong the time that I had already spent with her was great but let me explain a few things...

• The NICU is not at all private (and in our case Ally was next to a baby who at birth weighed 9 pounds and a set of lungs like a 2 year old! I can't remember his name but there were many times where he cried the ENTIRE time I was holding Ally)
• The NICU is not at all comfortable! Sure they have soft chairs for you to sit on but lets be honest when your backside hurt as badly as mine did I could hardly sit for 30 minutes let alone sit and hold a baby.
• The NICU staff, although I'm sure they tried not to be, was rather annoying. I think there was maybe one time where I held Ally that they didn't come up and check on her. I know they were doing their job but it got old!

So you see... although I'd spent probably a total of a day with her (combining all the time spread out through the days since she was born) none of that time was personal or intimate. I wanted, no more that I need that personal and intimate time with Ally in order feel like I had my "time" with her.

I woke up at 3 am to the phone ringing. At first I didn't understand what was going on, thanks in part to the heavenly pain meds that I was on. When I realized it was my phone I hurried and answered. It was the NICU letting me know that the Neonatologist had released Ally and I could come and get her at any point in time. I was thrilled! I couldn't believe that I was going to really spend time with my baby like I had planned. I hurried down to the NICU to get her. Wheeling her into my room was so comforting and peaceful. I had never spent a moment of time alone with my child. There had always been someone in the same room. I was finally getting the time that I needed with my baby.

One of the very first things I did with her was get her naked! I wanted to check out every inch of her. I wanted to remember everything about her. I wanted to remember her legs, her a hands, her hair (well what little hair she had), I wanted to look over every inch of her and ingrain it into my mind. Throughout the day me and Debbie had fun changing her clothes, feeding her, playing with her and just spending time with her.

As I think through how to describe the feelings I felt I've concluded that the only way to do so it to post LOTS of pictures (they will have subtitles). Hope you can feel what I felt for just a moment through these wonderful pictures (Lindsay Jane studios!)

My sweet baby girl. I can't begin to explain the joys that filled my soul holding her alone in my room knowing that even for must a moment she was mine.

My favorite thing was to hold Ally's little hands. So small and tiny and perfect!

You can see her angel kisses on here eyes. I asked the doctor about them. He said that until she was about 3 or 4 they would turn bright red when she got angry or cried. He told me "there must be someone up in heaven who wants this little girl to feel loved. Those are two very good Angel kisses."

Oh those hands... I just couldn't get enough of them! Lori and Barton actually made a 3D mold of Ally's hand for me. It is truly a treasure!

My middle brother Daniel and his wife Mary had three kids who I love dearly and I wanted them to be able to know Ally in some way. We limited the time that they spent with her (mostly the oldest, Madison, the two boys weren't old enough to understand.) so that they didn't get attached.

This is Mary holding Ally. Without Mary I don't know if I would have chosen the option of Adoption

From left to right: my brother Zach, just older than me. Daniel, the one with the kids. Daddy, he was a wreck that day....

Cater was more interested in her that we thought... he pointed out all her body parts and laughed when she started to squirm. P.S. you can see the ruffles on the butt of the outfit.. my favorite part! It came with a hat but it was HUGE on her!

Wyatt.... he was the life of the day. Kept everyone laughing. This is my joyous donut that I sat on, slept on, basically lived on for a few months... he thought it was AWESOME!

Madison... bless her heart loved my baby Ally with all her heart.

What did I say about Wyatt... Kept us all entertained! Still does too!

A mothers final prayer... As I sat on the edge of that bed I said a prayer with my baby. I prayed that she would grow up to be a strong willed, independent, determined woman. I prayed that she would always look up to her mother as an example. I prayed that she would always feel the love that I have for her. I prayed, well more threatened, that if she ever did anything I did she'd be in a whole load of trouble. And finally I prayed for the strength to do what I knew I must.

That was the longest four steps of my life. Holding my baby in my arms preparing to place her into the arms of her rightful mother. My heart was breaking more than I thought it ever could. I was hoping that something would change and I'd be the strong person I knew I could. But it was simply too hard. I could hardly stand the fact that I was walking away from what I knew I wanted most in life. But I knew, without a doubt, that she was going home.

As I hugged Lori I asked her if she would give Ally a kiss for me every night. She told me that she would and that I would have many chances to kiss her sweet face.

And then... I gave my daughter a final kiss. I loved her more than life itself. I was truly doing God's will in placing her for adoption. I knew at that moment that my life would never be the same.

I hugged Barton and let him know that he was the father of my daughters dreams. He was everything that I knew she needed. He hugged me and let me know that my daughter was the little girl of his dreams and he would do anything and everything to make her happy.

I didn't realize at first how hard placement would be for my parents. They too were making a huge sacrifice. They were walking away from a grandchild that they loved and cared for dearly. Their hearts were breaking not only to see the baby go but to see their baby hurting so much. I will always and forever be saddened by the fact that I hurt my parents so deeply.

As I walked out of that room my heart broke into a billion pieces. I had just walked away from my daughter. I fell to the ground and started shaking. I couldn't do it. I wanted more than anything to walk back into the room and just hold my baby. I said over and over... "I can't do this. This isn't fair! I can't give my baby away!" And then my mother in all her wisdom lifted my to my feet and told me. "It's done." It sounds harsh but I think at that moment she didn't know what else to say. She didn't know how to help her child who was hurting more than anyone in the entire world. As we walked to the elevator my heart broke again as I heard my sweet 6 year old niece ask, "Daddy, why doesn't KK want to keep her baby?" She didn't get it. She could see the hurt that I was feeling and she didn't get it. How could she get it. To see me in pain and see that I had walked away from a baby... It didn't make sense to her.

In the elevator I begged and pleaded with my savior to give me peace, to help me through this. I knew that without him there was no way I would be able to go on living. There is no way I would want to go on living. As I walked out of the hospital I was filled with the most overwhelming peace. The daughter that I had carried was no longer mine. Yes, I was her mother in a way that Lori never could be and Lori is her mother in a way I never would be. But together through our faith and through adoption we are mothers.

Mothers day... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

I was perfectly content being pregnant through mothers days. With my due date not 'til the 27th of May I would be ok and not go through my first mothers day shortly after placing. Once again my plan was ruined! Not only would I go through my first mothers day shortly after having Ally but I would go through my first mothers day still being Ally's mother!

I woke up around 2am and went down to the NICU to see Ally. The nurse was the first person that day to say "happy mothers day" to me. I did my best not to cry. Was a mother? I felt like it but at the same time I didn't know if I really was a mother. I loved Ally enough to be a mother but I wouldn't be the one that she would call mommy. I wouldn't be the one that she would run to when her brothers picked on her too much. In reality I wouldn't be her mother but on this one day everyone would be calling me her mother. As I held my little girl in my arms I felt like her mother. I loved her like her mother. I wanted her like her mother. I truly was her mother. I then realized that instead of telling everyone I wasn't her mother I had to come to terms with the fact that, yes I was her mother, maybe for a short period of time but I was her mother.

I spent most of the early morning with Ally in the NICU, holding her, telling her stories, feeding her, and doing my favorite thing... cuddling her! Around 6am I went back to my room to sleep, to think, and to get control of my emotions. I cried myself to sleep knowing that I'd only have this one mothers day with my baby.

The day was full of family coming to see me and Ally. Lori and Barton must have known that the day would be hard for me and they didn't come up until later on that evening. It was good to see them but hard all at the same time.

I didn't expect to ever feel like Ally's mother. In fact I didn't exactly want to feel like Ally's mother. I knew that if I had those feelings it would make placing her that much harder. I tried as hard as I could to keep those feelings suppressed but at the same time I knew that if I suppressed them one day I would regret that. Allowing myself to truly feel like her mother on that mothers day was not just a chance. It wasn't simply coincidence that I had Ally before mothers day. It was god's gift to me for me choosing to place her for adoption. I couldn't feel angry, I couldn't feel hurt. I needed to feel grateful for this day.

Through the passing years Mothers day's would continue and my heart would continue to long for the time that I spent with my daughter on that mothers day. That day was a joy that I would hold onto in the long few days to follow.

Signing

Saturday morning I woke up sore but determined to spend as much time with Ally as physically possible. I called down to the NICU and found out that over the night she had been taken off oxygen and was doing well. I was excited about the fact that I would be able to hold my baby with out all the tubes and wires and be worried that she wasn't breathing right or that the way I was holding her wasn't helping her. I think I just about RAN down to the NICU after I got off the phone. I was brought to tears when I saw my precious baby. I couldn't believe for even just a few days I had the joy of being this little angel's mommy.

Throughout my pregnancy I had worked on a blanket for Ally. Something that I could send with her that would always be from her birth mother. I didn't really ever take a cute picture of it but it was a rag blanket and I thought it was adorable. Debbie, Hannah, and Abbie helped me make it while I was living with them. I liked to call it her "security blanket" while she was in the hopsital.

The inside of Ally's "security blanket"

Ya sorry about the cleavage.... My milk came in Saturday morning and as you can tell..... BAD NEWS!

I really enjoyed being able to feed Ally. By Saturday she had gotten up to eating a whole ounce. It's sounds funny that I was excited about an ounce but it was progress and that was all that mattered!

Part of my plan was to sign relinqishment papers as soon as I could. Normally that would be 24 hours. But because Ally was sick I had to wait 48 hours. I wanted to sign so that Branden couldn't do anything. I wanted everything to be in my control and I knew by signing the papers and soon as I could it would allow me to have more control over the situation. I signed Saturday May 12, 2007 (birth mothers day). I have to say I had a very easy time signing the papers. I think mostly because I had a struggle with my decision the day before and I had made up my mind that it was right then. I also tried to look at the papers as me just signing my name and not really think about it. I didn't want to break down and cry about it. The other problem/solution to not crying was that I had to be off pain medication in order to sign the papers. With a 3rd degree I was on STRONG pain meds about every 4 hours and motrin every 2 or so. The pain was really intense. My case worker couldn't read fast enough. I was in so much pain I could hardly think. My nurse was actually standing in the room holding my pain meds so that as soon as I had signed everything I could hurry and take them. It made for a very long couple of minutes

me signing. It was actually a relief to know that i couldn't change my mind. I had made the final decision and I was following through with my plan.

I don't know anymore!

I have to start this out with saying that this may be one of the hardest and most personal posts that I'm ever going to write. I have for over 3 years kept the feelings I will write about between me and my ex Chris. I have never shared them with fellow birth mothers, my own mother, Ally's mother or even my husband now. I considered never sharing them as part of my story but I feel that in order for every one who reads this to understand how truly hard placement was for me they need to know EVERYTHING. And everything includes the morning that I spent with Chris...

Date: Friday May 11, 2007

After the brief time that I was able to spend with Ally that first day all I could think was that I was giving away my one chance at being a mother. I didn't sleep at all that night. I tossed and turned and kept thinking that what I was doing was wrong. I knew I needed a support person. At about 5 am I called my boyfriend at the time, Chris. I needed him to be with me. As he layed in my bed with me I told him how I was feeling. I told him that at that moment I HATED Lori and Barton for having everything that I needed in order to keep my baby. I HATED the fact that they were so perfect. I HATED the fact that they wanted my baby. He let me vent. I kept talking about how much I just wanted to keep her. I told him time and time again that we could work it out. Me and him would get married and have a little family and that would be the end of adoption for me. He asked me how Lori and Barton would feel if I decided to parent after the entire time telling then that I was going to place with them?

Honestly at that moment I didn't care about their feelings. All I cared about was the hurt that I was feeling deep inside my soul. The pain that I thought would only get worse if I "gave my child away". I wasn't going to do it. I told Chris that from that point on it was me and him and my baby. Lori and Barton weren't in the picture any more. I sobbed, I cried so hard my head hurt. Chris let me cry, he held me and just let me cry. He didn't say anything. He knew that I was saying what I was because my heart was hurting. After about an hour he sat me up and looked me directly in the eye and said "Lets go see Ally."

As we walked into the NICU (That's right people I walked down this time!) I felt a sudden rush of anger. I was angry that I was in this position, I was angry that I felt so out of control, I was angry that my baby was sick and that my plans had changed. I was VERY angry.

As I sat down and held my baby in my arms I couldn't help but cry. I wanted her to myself. I wanted to give her all the things that she should have, not someone else. I wanted to watch her grow and develop and laugh and cry and do all the things a mother always dreams of doing with the babies!

After about an hour of being there the NICU nurse let us know we could feed Ally. I was thrilled that she was getting strong enough to eat. She only ate about 1/2 an ounce but she was making steps in the right direction. After we fed her we went back to my room to talk a little more.

Chris let me know that the feelings that I was having were normal but that he felt he wasn't suppose to be Ally's father. He let me know that he'd love me and support me in whatever decision I made but that he felt strongly that I should reconsider placing.

After an hour I decided I needed to see Ally. As I walked into the NICU Lori was there feeding Ally. I got angry. Very angry. I felt like she was stealing what little time I had with my daughter away from me. I turned and "ran" (ya I say "ran" because lets be honest I couldn't run at all) back to my room. I was done. They weren't getting my baby. I wasn't going to give them what they were going to steal from me. I was furious and hurt. I didn't even know Lori was there. She didn't even come say hi to me before she went into the NICU, she just went right to Ally. She didn't care about me at all. She just wanted my baby. A baby that she wasn't going to get.

I cried for a good hour. Could I really tell Lori and Barton I was going to keep the baby? Did I have the strength to be a single mother? I didn't know. And so I did what I knew was best, I prayed. I prayed and asked for strength to do what was best for my child whether it be to parent or to place. I asked for strength to get past the feelings that I was having. I asked for comfort and peace to know what to do. And the last thing was that I asked for the Lord to show my why adoption was right.

Not ten minutes later Lori came into my room. She could see that I'd been crying and asked what was going on? I told her that I was just worried about Ally and that I knew everything would work out. She sat down on the edge of my bed and held my hand. She looked me directly in the eye and told me that through everything I had been a direct answer to her prayers and the prayers of her children. She told me that she could never thank me enough for the gift that I had already given to their family. The joys that they had by witnessing Ally's birth was something they could never thank me enough for. My heart inside was breaking. I knew at that moment that my feelings of angry and hatred were wrong. I shouldn't feel angry at these sweet people. I should feel grateful that they would still involve me in the life of this babe that I carried for them. I should feel grateful that the Lord would bless me with such an amazing experience.

How could I have ever thought for a moment that I could be a single mother. I knew that my feelings were normal but I never wanted Lori and Barton to know. I love them too much to hurt them.

This is Chris holding Ally. I will always have a special place in my heart for Chris. There are NEVER enough thank yous for what he gave me that day.